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Old 10-07-2005, 09:25 PM   #1
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ready to make a step against abusive father

My dad returned tonight from a trip and the tension in the house waiting for him was unbelieveable. This was not good tension. He's emotionally abusive and verbal abuse is sometimes tied into it. I can't leave the house to go somewhere else because my health isnt great and I am not really in a position to leave, because I have a lot of phobias concerning leaving the house. Is there anyway I can get him to leave?

Here is my post from before regarding my father:

I don't know where to start. My father is always getting drunk out of his mind and he's moody as hell. He verbally abuses my mother and me and will do anything to make us feel like we're worthless. I have GERD and living with that is enough and I cannot deal with this man. He's racist, sarcastic, judgmental, negative, he has no compassion. He is the worst example of a father I have ever seen. I have to get away from this man. He also emotionally abuses both of us. He does not physically abuse us but he is 6'4 and about 200 pounds, he has the ability to choke the life out of both of us if he got really angry. Right now he is so drunk he can't even stand up. Let me answer your question before you ask it. Counselling will not do anything. This man will not change, take my word for it. I cannot live like this. Please, please help me. Mom is gutless and will not get a divorce because we need the money he brings in.

I just turned 16. Mom likes to pretend that there's nothing wrong because I think she's afraid of him and she stays because she wants the money that he brings in. Anytime I mention these facts to her she says "It's not that bad". He makes faces at her behind her back and his mood swings are so many that they cannot be counted. I really want to get away from this man, but we have no family and I don't know where to go. As soon as he walks in the door, there's a level of stress that comes over the family, and I'm never relaxed when he's here because there's always trouble. If you don't believe what he believes, you're stupid and wrong. If I don't agree with him about something he constantly tells me "You'll get yours" and has no respect for me.

When someone says something about an event that happened or something that he says, he denies it. Once he was really really drunk and he fell and his head smashed the wall at the back of the closet and left a hole. Mom and I both saw him do it and he still denies it to this day! He constantly gives us the "silent treatment" when anything goes wrong, even if he's not mad at you, he won't speak to anyone. He grunts all the time in that negative way like "Hmmph, that's stupid." He follows my mother around the house in a harrassing kind of way. He also trivializes everything that you do, which makes you question yourself.

Everyone avoids conflict so there won't be trouble. Dad is oblivious to what I am feeling. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Despite all this I'm still nervous about making a move, I don't want to cause trouble. I know that I should get away but I don't know how.

Someone please help.

 
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Old 10-08-2005, 05:30 AM   #2
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

Your Dad may not benefit from counseling, but YOU sure would - - I strongly recommend talking to someone at school or at a church or at a local mental health clinic...
Also, is there anyone in your city that you can live with until you are 18? A relative? A family like the Camden's on 7th Heaven?

If your mom cannot or will not protect you it unfortunately is on your shoulders to find another way out of the house.
And you are correct that he will not change just because someone wants him to.

 
Old 10-08-2005, 07:45 AM   #3
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

I'm so sorry you're living under these conditions. Your mother has a choice in the matter, and it seems that you are helpless. I realize your mom is scared, but her downplaying of the situation is not helping things. Do you have any relatives close by that you could stay with? Is there a counsellor or teacher at school that you can talk to and possibly get some help? All I can say is just try to avoid him and interact with him as little as possible in the meantime, but you DO have to get away from that for your own sanity. Are you planning on going to college in a year or so? That would be good to get away from him.....I'm not sure you want to wait that long. Maybe you can look into an Al-A-Teen meeting, for teenagers with alcoholic parents.....you might learn some tips for coping and meet others in your situation. I'm sorry you have to live like that. The one good thing, is it's not forever! You are getting older and can leave the house soon......try to stay sane in the meantime!

 
Old 10-08-2005, 02:59 PM   #4
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

Cathryn ~ I am so sorry for the abuse that you have been subjected to...and you are soo right how verbal/emotional abuse stays with you soo much longer than physical abuse. I have been there too....at least bruises and broken bones heal.....words and the pain that they inflict and remain within our memory take sooo much longer,

I must correct you in regard to counseling...true with the wrong counselor you will experience just what you have....but with the right one you will be empowered with the tools in which you can assert yourself and repair the damage that was done on your self worth and inner core and also to make sure that you realize that you are a victim not the cause of the problem & how to go on to build a healthy emotional and physical life for yourself. So please take it from someone who has been there....a good therapist will help you to overcome the helplessness you feel and empower you with good tools to make sure that the damage that has been done is healed and that you walk away from this a stronger and emotionally healthy person. Counselling will also make the difference as to whether you carry on these traits into your future. It is imperative that you realize that people who have been abused often become abusers themselves....not always but there is a strong tendency. So you owe it to your future to get the help that you need now to make sure that you are okay.

Frickfrak ~ You do need to find someone you can trust to share this with. Another adult or family member would be ideal. Your physical probelms with GERD will be aggravated by stress and I believe that is the reason why you are not getting better with that. My daughter has had GERD since she was born and is 14 now.....I will post more about that on the digestive boards with you but I just wanted to tell you that you need to get the help of an adult to intervene on your behalf. There are teen homes/shelters where you will feel safe until you are able to be assurred a safe home where you can feel physically and emotionally safe. Go talk to someone.....keeping this all to yourself is not going to help your overall health and well being. You are a 16 year old who deserves to feel safe & loved. Go to an adult who can make sure you get that until your dad gets the help that he needs. I encourage Cathryn to do the same. Please keep us posted....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-08-2005 at 03:14 PM.

 
Old 10-09-2005, 08:40 AM   #5
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

Hi,

First off, I would like to say to Cathryn that I am sorry that you feel the way that you do about counselors. You may have not found the right one who is understanding of your situation. A suggestion, seeing as I have no idea where you are from, therefore I am not sure if this is available in your area, but see if you can find a shelter that helps abused women and children in your area, and then try to get an appointment with one of their counselors. Also, I know this might be a bad thought, but what about Children's Services? Can't they be of help in some way?
Secondly, to frickfrak, I hope that you will be able to find some way to get out of your situation quickly. You are 16 and it will be easier for you to get away sooner that someone who is younger. I would like to mention the same thing to you as I said at first, about finding counseling with one that is trained in that type of environment.
I work in a shelter for abused women and children, but unfortunately I cannot help you Cathryn or FrickFrac, because there is no off board contact...although i wish that I could.

FrickFrac, many women are in denial of how bad a situation is, when they are in it. And also, even if someone who is on the outside, or is able to see the situation more rationally says that this is not right, or that there is a problem, it still won't make a difference. Women in these situations have basically been "brainwashed" to believe that this is the best that they can have, that they cannot make it without their husbands. Their self worth and self esteem have been crushed so many times that it is not even there anymore. Its also very sad that the mom can see what this situation is doing to their children, but they are scared to do anything about it. And also, even if they get the strength to leave, alot of times they end up going back. Statictically, a woman leaves her abusive partner at least 10 times before finally never going back. And that number doesn't include the ones who never mention about their situation....and that numbers in the hundreds I do believe.

Good luck to you both Cathryn and FrickFrac and I hope that you can be safe soon, and not become one of the statistics later on in life.

Take care,
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Old 10-09-2005, 08:41 AM   #6
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

I was debating whether to post here or not, but decided I should. Cathryn (xrazor eaterx) is my beautiful daughter. I read these posts yesterday and asked her to read the one from frickfrac. It seems the only time my husband is this way is when he's drinking. I have told him endlessly to seek help and all he tells me is (Are you calling me an Alcoholic?) Well, I told him yes. I know he has been through quite a lot in the last 5 years. I had been in 2 near fatal car accidents caused by someone elses negligence. We were adding on to our home at the time, which came to a hault. We were being pressured by the building inspections dept because of a deadline. We were also going through 2 lawsuits as a result of the accidents (Which my husband had to collect all the medical records and do basically everything). My eldest son was also in the first accident with me and got his 4 bottom teeth knocked clean out (thankfully he had braces in which held his teeth so he didn't swallow them and they were able to wire them back in.) And also he had to take many days off from work to take me to doctor's physical therapy, etc ...
This is when the heavy drinking began and all the verbal abuse. He was under so much stress at the time that he took it out on all of us. I am currently seeing a psycotherapist for my post traumatic stress and speak with her about my husband. He needs to see a councelor, but he will not admit it. He also needs to go on meds to help with his emotional health. I know that I'm making excuses on his behalf here, but you all need to know what type of stress he's been under over the last 5 years. It is inexcusable for the abuse my children and I have to endure (Thankfully it is not physical) but the verbal abuse is just tearing us up inside. Cathryn has a great support system (Paternal Grandparent's, who are on our side instead of their son's, her friend's and of course myself.) I love her with all my heart, all three of my children know that they are #1 in my life. I'm the one that does everything for them (Taking them places, going to all their games that they play in, Band Festivals etc etc .....
I wish their father could only see what he is doing to his children. My son and Cathryn have told him to his face that they hate him ... we even have a 29 month old son, who I'm scared is going to follow in his siblings footsteps if we don't get a handle on this. How do you get a 40 y/o man to go to therapy?? That's what I'm trying to figure out! I've threatened divorce, but can't follow through with it, because I'm unable to work with my disabilities ... so I'm unable to support my children and myself. I've tried endlessly to go out of my way to encouraging things to him, but it goes into one ear and out the other.

Love you much Cathryn (Mom )

Marjie

 
Old 10-09-2005, 08:59 AM   #7
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

Lighthousebay39,

You and your family have been through alot, but that does not excuse anything. The behaviour of your husband is not acceptable, no matter what he has been through. It is understandable that there is alot of stress, but there are better ways to manage stress. Much better ways than taking it out on your family. This situation that you are living in is not healthy....at all! What your children see when they are growing up will affect them throughout their lives. Even if you try to protect them as much as you can...this is always what is going to happen. It is a viscious (sp?) cycle, this abuse crap. Unfortunaltely, children of an abusive parent are more than likely going to be abusive to their children, because that is the way that they believe it was supposed to be. For example, in your situation, they see that your husband/their father deals with his stress by drinking, getting drunk and then verbally abusing the family. Although the abuse is not physical, it can escalate to that in the near future...don't be in denial of this. Also, emotional abuse is worse than physical, because physical wounds can heal, but the emotional scars stay with you forever.
I understand that it is very difficult to get out of that situation, especially if you have no money....but there are services to help with that....in all areas of the world, there are places that you can go to get help to get out of your situation.
You need to get yourself and your children out of this situation as soon as possible. You may be thinking "well, i can't do that, because then i would be abandoning my husband when he needs my help because of the stress"....your husband needs to deal with it better, HE has to make the first steps to getting help, HE has to continue to want to get help for himself...HE has to do all this to get better. You cannot do this for him....you can't really do much for him right now unfortunately....you cannot make a 40 yr old man get help.....he has to want to get help....and if he is in denial of anything being wrong....and blames everything else for his situation...you are in for a very looooong healing process.

Please, if you can get help for you and your children, do so...don't stay in this situation...there could be dire consequences in your children's adult lives.

Sorry if I sound mean telling you that you have to get out of this, or if I offended you in any way, making you feel like you are unable to control the situation....that is not my attention. I want you to know that you can do something to help this....I am very adamant about trying to help women in your situation get out of it. An abusive relationship...for whatever reason...is unhealthy, and should not be tolerated!

Take care,
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Old 10-09-2005, 09:09 AM   #8
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Re: ready to make a step against abusive father

Oh Marjie. my heart goes out to you & your family. I know that you have the world on your shoulders right now but I would like to offer you some advice.

Having been in an abusive relationship while engaged I can tell you that the wounds that words inflict are far more painful and difficult to heal. they are carried with you every single day to only resonate in your mind over & over again.

I can see how much you love your children...I have two teenage girls of my own and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. And I know that is the kind of mom that you are.

You need to get your kids out of the house ASAP....you say that you have wonderful support of family. Ask for their help NOW. I know that they are only waiting for you to ask. PLEASE do what's best for your kids....they do not have the solid emotional foundation that you do to get through this. They need to be in an emotionally safe environment and so long as your husband drinks and is unable to keep his emotions at bay taking them out on the ones he loves, your children will be hurt in the most painful way. Their inner core and self worth are being hurt every single time our husband lashes out with his words of abuse. The only way to prevent that is to remove them from the household until your husband gets the help that he so needs.

I am sure that deep down inside he loves the children as much as you do....but he has to be told that his behavior is unacceptable and detrimental to others in the family. And until he does get help that they will be living elsewhere.

You need emergency intervention in which your husband is confronted by you & his family and told that the kids will be living with others until he gets the help he needs. You can do this, Marjie.....you love your children & need to do this. As for yourself you may eventually need to leave as well, for now show your kids the greatest act of love and make arrangements for them to be safe. You will still be their mom......there are so many ways to do so with all the latest technology....AIM, text messaging, cell phones, computer emails etc.

I just went through something similar of having to let go of my 17 year old daughter for her future happiness....she is residing in a different state with my brother and it was the most difficult sacrifice a mother could make. But I am okay now after seeing that she is happy and thriving. There is nothing more rewarding for a mom to see the personal growth & happiness of thier child after such sacrifice.

It must pain you each and everyday to see the pain in your children's lives and feeling as if you are helpless. However, you are not helpless, Marjie...you have the ability to help your children....an ultimate sacrifice for a mom, but one that will insure that they can heal from the pain that ongoing emotional abuse can inflict. It is a pain that is well hidden but will come back in the future unless you do something about it now. I know you will and we will be here to help & support you in anyway we can.

((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-09-2005 at 01:20 PM.

 
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