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Old 10-12-2005, 04:11 PM   #1
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Creamsicle HB User
Question Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Hello !

You have all helped me before, so here we go again ...

I have been with my new boyfriend for 10 months ... he is wonderful and we get along extremely well.

We are in love and want to spend our lives together ( all that good mushy stuff ).

There is one thing that bothers me ... wanted some advise to see if I am over reacting or not.

He broke up with his ex two years ago ... they were togther for 8 years.

While they were togther, her Father hand-made him a silver ring ... the Father passed ago 4 years ago, they were very close.

He still wears the ring constanly. The only time it comes off is when we have our intimate time together.

I can not help it, but it kind of bothers me !!!


He wears it to work, sleep, always ... he actually interupts "in the heat of the momment" to take it off and lay it down on the dresser.

Should I relax about it and be thankful that is the only thing that bothers me OR do I have the right to feel he is not letting go of his past ?!?!?!

THANKS a head of time !!!!

 
Old 10-12-2005, 04:35 PM   #2
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Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Well why were your BF and the father close? Was it because he has no father of his own or something like that? If so then you really shouldn't have a problem. Also you need to look at it and see that SHE didn't give him the ring, her dad did.

BUT also, your BF needs to realize that he is hurting you by making such a silly display by interrupting your time to take it off. Why can't he just leave it on during sex, which wouldn't call attention to it. Or why can't he NOT wear it at all when he is with you? I think by stopping and obviously taking it off, he is saying something. Maybe he is not quite over her.

If you are truly in love and "all that mushy stuff" then he needs to rethink his attachment to this ring. If he won't, then maybe you need to rethink your attachment to him.

 
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Old 10-12-2005, 05:08 PM   #3
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Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell
Well why were your BF and the father close? Was it because he has no father of his own or something like that? If so then you really shouldn't have a problem. Also you need to look at it and see that SHE didn't give him the ring, her dad did.

BUT also, your BF needs to realize that he is hurting you by making such a silly display by interrupting your time to take it off. Why can't he just leave it on during sex, which wouldn't call attention to it. Or why can't he NOT wear it at all when he is with you? I think by stopping and obviously taking it off, he is saying something. Maybe he is not quite over her.

If you are truly in love and "all that mushy stuff" then he needs to rethink his attachment to this ring. If he won't, then maybe you need to rethink your attachment to him.
I agree, that ring still holds some significance for him, if he remembers to take it off during passionate moments with you. He is not completely over his past, whatever that means. I am not sure what to advise you, though. I don't think it will help much if you demand that he doesn't wear that ring, for example. It has to come from him. I hope in time he will stop wearing it.

All I can say is that at the time I met my ex-fiance, he was still wearing a ring that his ex gave him and it bothered me. He wore it for a long time, probably seven or eight months into our relationship until he finally stopped. But yeah, it's not a minor detail that he still wears it and pays so much attention to it. It's like he things by wearing it during sex with you, he is somehow disrespecting the ex's father.

 
Old 10-12-2005, 09:31 PM   #4
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mada_3083 HB User
Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
It's like he things by wearing it during sex with you, he is somehow disrespecting the ex's father.
or maybe he takes it off because he thinks that having a reminder of his ex while being with you is disrespectful to YOU. maybe he's doing it to signify that he is only being with you, giving you himself entirely

ask him about the ring, it's significance, and all that. communication is the key.

i wouldn't mind betting that it's something to do with the death of the father that makes him wear it, considering the father died before the relationship broke up.

maybe he just likes the ring asthetically, maybe he wears it to punish himself (through constant reminder) of losing an 8 year relationship. maybe as others have said he is extremely close to his ex's dad, for whatever reason.

i still have jewellery of my ex's but i don't wear it. my ex still wears the rings and necklaces i gave her (including the ones with inscriptions from me prominently displayed)... wonder how that effects her new boyfriend. guess what i'm trying to say is ask him and find out what it signifies then work from there... we all hang onto the past in some way, and we can never fully empty our hearts of our ex's. all we can do is use that scar tissue to build bigger and better things.

Last edited by mada_3083; 10-12-2005 at 09:32 PM.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 05:03 AM   #5
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millpark26 HB User
Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

By your own admission, you said the ring was given to him by "the Father" and "they were very close". In my opinion, this ring has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend's "ex" OR his and her relationship together. Just because things didn't work out between him and her, there's no reason that he has to cut all ties with everyone associated with her.

Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful, sensitive guy who is capable of forming caring, lasting relationships. You should admire that quality in him.

I feel you are definitely overreacting.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 08:05 AM   #6
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Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

All valid points, but she does say that he interrurpts THEIR intimate moments to remove the ring. Why doesn't he simply take the thing off quietly before he even starts in with her? In my eyes, it is almost as if something is being said here, when he has to stop and make an obvious gesture.

 
Old 10-13-2005, 08:17 AM   #7
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Destea HB User
Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

I'd probably have some issues with that, but as others said, the best way to better understand what's going on or even let him know how you're feeling about this is to just communicate this to him.

Find out what the ring means to him, be clear in how it makes you feel, and that maybe if you understood what the connection is more clearly it wouldn't feel so awkward?

 
Old 10-13-2005, 10:48 AM   #8
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Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Creamsicle ~ Does your boyfriend wear any other jewelry like a watch, etc.?

 
Old 10-13-2005, 03:16 PM   #9
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lyncy HB User
Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

Hi Creamsicle, I think i understand you. if the ring bothers you, I think it is betta to talk to your bf about it and that how it bothers you. Ofcourse looking at the ring he will also remember the x gf not only the father. But you guys can talk and maybe ask him a favor if maybe he can put it in a special place and not wearing it around, mostly he has now you. I understand your bf in the other hand that they are closed with her x gf father, and your bf treasure the ring? But he muss also respect you feelings too... Share your thought and your feelings with your bf and see,listen to what he'll gonna say about it or comments....

 
Old 10-14-2005, 01:18 AM   #10
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Re: Is my new boyfriend holding onto his past ?

wierd post to come up. i was close to my ex's grandmother, and yesterday i was cleaning up some stuff and found a ring that she gave my ex, who gave to me as a lucky charm when we were still together... i rang my ex to ask where i should send it back to and found out her grandmother died the day before...

 
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