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Old 10-16-2005, 01:27 AM   #1
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Hiya HB User
I WAS having a good time, until...

Just to update you guys on what happened...

I walked into the party, anxious and nervous as to what I might find. But ex wasn't there, but other people showed up, and we sang and danced and had a nice time, and I figured ex decided for whatever reason to skip it. I was going to just go home, but then FFWB and some of the other party members had a limo take them to a nearby club, so I decided to go with them, what the heck, I thought. I'd never been in a limo before, thought it would be fun. I then made the mistake of bringing it up. I said to the FFWB "so ex wimped out, huh?" and he told me that he spoke to him on the phone and had a nice,positive conversation with ex and he said he wanted to go, thought it would be fun, but it would "cause conflict" with the TTE, so he passed. Why she would care that some girl would be there who her husband dated for a while 8 years ago, I don't know, but ex was fine with knowing his place as her husband, and not upsetting her at any cost. I don't know why I didn't deserve the same courtesy when I was his girlfriend, when he blatantly gawked at other women, even verbally commented on them out loud, and why he still wore the gold bracelet his ex girlfriend gave him, and if I said anything about it, he would get mad at me.

I think maybe I was hoping to find some sort of evidence that he in fact did care at least a little about me and cared that I was hurting so badly, but the truth is, he never though I deserved the kind of respect and reverence he gives his wife, and feels nothing whatsoever regarding how his lies and manipulations have hurt me.

I think it's true, happiness can't be found looking back. That period of my life was the only time I felt I came even close to having a happy, normal life, but it just wasn't meant to be. As sad as it makes me, I think I should leave everything about that part of my life behind me. I know I've kept threatening to break off all contact with the FFWB, and I have curtailed it, but now I think I should just stick to heating up a Lean Cuisine, tv, and crying myself to sleep, and a movie by myself on the weekend. I can't fix the past, and there's nothing to indicate the future could be any better. I obviously don't deserve anything more.

There was another girl at the party who had just broken up with her boyfriend, the pretty blond I mentioned in a past post, and she was very sad, so I focused a lot of energy on her and trying to make her feel better, and she seemed very appreciative, so I guess the evening wasn't a total loss.

Thanks for all of you who hung in there with me all week. I wish I had some sort of positive epiphany to report, but in a way, I guess I did come to some kind of realization. I have to close this door, once and for all, even if it means being miserable for the rest of my life. I feel like I will never be happy unless and until I can fix this somehow, but I've been miserable and heartbroken in my efforts to fix it, so I may as well just let it be and have a long, lingering sadness instead of a sadness that keeps renewing itself.

 
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Old 10-16-2005, 02:43 AM   #2
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stacykgb20 HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Thanks for all of you who hung in there with me all week. I wish I had some sort of positive epiphany to report, but in a way, I guess I did come to some kind of realization. I have to close this door, once and for all, even if it means being miserable for the rest of my life. I feel like I will never be happy unless and until I can fix this somehow, but I've been miserable and heartbroken in my efforts to fix it, so I may as well just let it be and have a long, lingering sadness instead of a sadness that keeps renewing itself.
I'm really sorry you didn't get the closure you were looking for tonight, Nini. I can only imagine what a disappointment it must be in some ways after all the anticipation, yet all in all I suspect this happened for a reason and is in your long term best interest. I'm very glad to hear that you're more convinced now that you need to move on from the ex chapter of your life once and for all. Are you sure that you're making the right assumption that your ex skipped the party because of you and the fact that he doesn't care enough to try and talk things out? Did your FFWB say that specifically or just that the elephant didn't want him at the party in general? And can I ask what exactly you mean in the above quote by "fix this somehow"? Does that mean come to terms with your ex leaving, getting a chance to confront him, winning him back somehow, or what? Because I'm not sure that is what will prevent you from continuing to be miserable--from everything I've seen you say, I believe that nothing regarding your ex will make you happier. Instead that needs to come from within you...I really think that if you could truly accept that your ex didn't and wouldn't have ever made you as happy as you should be (in a relationship where the guy doesn't repeatedly break up with you, insult you, yell at you, and generally act abusive and disrespectful) and stop seeing yourself through the eyes of other people and caring what other people think of you, you would be much happier than your ex ever made you. Please, please don't think that your ex was your one shot at lasting happiness and that you blew it, because neither part of that idea is remotely true, and it seems like you still need to forgive yourself for the blame you unfairly assign to yourself for him leaving. That was about his flaws and his problems, not yours...all you could do was the best you could at the time, and that is what you did. Looking back with remorse and regret doesn't seem to be helping you heal or move on, but I think changing your perspective on that relationship just might. Remember, you only have control over yourself, but we tend to have a lot more control over ourselves than many people realize or acknowledge, particularly when their self esteem and sense of self worth has been damaged by others. You have the power to be glad that your ex freed you from his manipulative machinations, game playing, ambivalence, and abuse when he did instead of sad that it ended, and you have the power to see yourself through your own eyes as an independent, wonderful woman who has made the best of what she has rather than through the eyes of the world, which you often seem to imagine as regarding you with pity and contempt for being alone and not having gotten over your ex. I truly believe that happiness lies in being comfortable with yourself, in enjoying your own company, and in not caring what other people think...there's a kind of comfort, contentment, and confidence inherent in that which to me is the epitome of freedom and security. I really wish there was someway we could help you let go of your ex and all the pain he and everyone else who wasn't worthy of your love and friendship have caused you, because I honestly think that's your best shot at happiness. Irrespective of your ex, you have so many amazing qualities that I'd absolutely hate to see you resign yourself to a lifetime of loneliness and misery because of anything that guy did or didn't do...he just so, so isn't worth it. People find their passion and happiness in life at all different ages, just as people find true love at odd times, often when they least expect it, so please please promise your friends here that you'll at least keep your heart a tiny bit open to the possibility that you won't always feel so sad and alone, OK? Because no matter what, there are quite a few people who love you, respect you, care about you, and wish you the best--and you always know where to find us!

 
Old 10-16-2005, 05:10 AM   #3
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realguy HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Why does an ex show more respect to a current relationship over former one? Either the person learned from their past mistakes or over time matured enough to be in a relationship at an advanced level (marriage).
Either way, who cares. You should of went to the party for yourself, not another guy.
It"s time to move on (like your ex did). Having an ffwb isn"t helping either. If you meant a potential future partner at this event, him hearing the guy throwing the event is a ffwb with you will/could have lessened your chances. Yes, every guy your friend knows will eventually hear about you and him and the agreement (even your ex).
If you want to be taken seriously as a potential partner, you need to change your way of thinking. Try being free of attachments to other people for awhile. Spending half the night concentrating on an ex, hanging with a ffwb or helping others in distress takes time away from helping yourself.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 05:36 AM   #4
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
I have to close this door, once and for all, even if it means being miserable for the rest of my life.
Hiya, you've already been pretty miserable for a long time already, so closing the door on this seems to be a huge step forward from where I sit. There's nothing wrong with one's apartment/home, a bowl of popcorn, a movie, de-cluttering, & HealthBoards.
Nothing I did on my weekends would have prevented the process that led me to (finally) meeting Mr. Ruth when it was meant to happen. Staying home OR going out. And I had truly deeply loved two men over the 17 yrs I dated before that moment finally happened.
Did I ever think I could ever love another man the way I loved John at age 19 or Mr. Chemistry at age 23? No. And to be honest nini I never did.
I love Mr. Ruth in a whole different way that is no less a forever & always love.
Would I have believed you if you told ME he was out there after I got dumped tha last time?
No.
But he was.

A big Hug (and a humongous dose of Hope) to you my Friend,
Ruth

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 10-16-2005 at 05:38 AM.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 02:30 PM   #5
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Hiya HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Thanks for the reply, guys, I appreciate it.

Realguy, no, I'm pretty confident the FORMER fwb won't ever discuss the few times we dabbled in the past, and even if he does, there was no one there last night, and there really isn't anyone in his circle that I would consider potential long term relationship material. I don't think he would ever tell the ex either, and if he did, so what? I don't really care one way or the other.

My ex moved on because after our break up he still had friends to hang out with every weekend. He was still playing in clubs every weekend, he was cute, a guitar player, of course it wouldn't be long before some chick picked up on him. Plus, he never loved me. It's easy to move on under those conditions. Last night at the club, one of the girls that came along from the party met some guy at the bar and within half an hour was kissing him, sitting in his lap, and he rode back to the house with us in the limo. The other girl with us was totally wasted and as we got back to the house, she straddled the Ffwb and told everyone else to get out of the limo. Moving on would be easier I suppose if I were that kind of person. But I'm not. My mind and my heart just don't work that way. I simply am incapable of jumping from one guy to the next, making connections with just anyone that happens by, and having sex here and there and sometimes it lasts for a while, sometimes it doesn't, etc etc. My heart just doesn't feel everyone like that. I fell for my ex partly because he told me he felt the same way. That was why he claimed he didn't believe in premarital sex, because it was like leaving a piece of yourself with someone that you can't ever get back. I believed he meant it. I believed he meant it when he said he loved me, that I was his soul mate and he was so glad he found me, and he would never leave me. I just should have been more careful, knowing that I'm the type of person who will most likely only fall in love once in a lifetime, not out of choice, but simply because that's just how my heart works. I just wish he had been honest with me. I would have behaved differently if I'd known the truth. I think I at least deserved the truth. To know that the only man I'm ever going to love, the only man who ever had my heart, didn't think I deserved the truth, didn't think I deserved respect or honesty, is not something someone like me just moves on from. It's just too huge, and the cut is just too deep.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 05:30 PM   #6
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Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Hi, Nini I wouldn't say the night was a total loss...hey so he "wimped out" and stayed at home with the TTE.....while you went out and did your thing and had a pretty good night afterall. You sang and jammed while he sat at home. I'd say that wasn't bad at all .

I think that still.....in the week you prepared for this all, you did walk yourself closer to realizing that he is the past and there is nothing but pain and regret in looking there. It's time to close that door of your life for good, realizing that he has moved on and it's time you did the same. So, walk out the door of your past, Nini, and open up a new door to your future. I was thinking of you all day yesteday and that's exactly what I hoped you would realize....that it's time to move on from that pain of your past and try to embrace a new future.

You must admit...that even though your ex was not there, you did accomplish something and that is realizing that he is no longer a part of your life anymore and that it is definitely time for you to shut the door to your past & open up the one to your future.

So all was not lost, my friend, for if you were able to realize this then you accomplished alot last night.

Thanks for sharing with us....and we look forward to you sharing with us all that your new future brings your way. We love you, Nini!!

Big (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 10-16-2005, 05:38 PM   #7
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Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

You will love again. As soon as you let it happen.
Whats with the ffwb, You say your not the type to do that? Know what type of person you want to be and the type of SO you want to be with.
From a male point of view, You would fall into the "confused" category. Based on your actions.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 06:21 PM   #8
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Hiya HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
You will love again. As soon as you let it happen.
Whats with the ffwb, You say your not the type to do that? Know what type of person you want to be and the type of SO you want to be with.
From a male point of view, You would fall into the "confused" category. Based on your actions.
Well, not that I really owe you an explanation, but I've only been physically intimate with two men my entire life, and I never had actual intercourse with either of them. The first was my ex, who I loved, who I thought would be my only lover and who I thought I would marry. Six years later, after not being touched by a man for all that time, and finding out my ex had married the TTE, I reconnected with the mutual friend, who I never had any serious romantic or relationshp inclinations toward, but there was a physical chemistry, and I knew he had always been attracted to me. In an attempt to escape the pain and to try to forget the memory of the intimacy I had with my ex, I fooled around a couple of times with the mutual friend, who I had known for 10 YEARS, NOT just some guy I picked up in a bar half an hour ago. and each time, I cried during from the emptiness and loneliness. Once I realized physical contact with him did nothing to lessen the pain or the loneliness I had been feeling, I ended the physical aspect of our relationship, despite having the misfortune of being born a passionate, visceral person with an extremely high sex drive. I would rather spend my days so frustrated and miserable it's physically painful than compromise my values again. I am quite clear, in fact way TOO clear, on what kind of person I am and what kind of SO I want to be with. I want to be with a man who loves God, who has only had one or two lovers in his history, who would love me enough to be faithful and devoted to me, who wants to make a home and a family with me, i.e. the kind of man my ex's wife gets to be with. I want to be the woman I am, momentary indescretion due to blinding physical and emotional pain aside, virtuous, faithful, devoted, having only one lover in my life, my whole life, family oriented soccer mom with the cookies and milk when the kids get home and dinner with the hubby every night, with a man who would appreciate it, i.e., the kind of woman my ex's wife gets to be. The problem is not my being confused about what I want or who I want to be. The problem is, I don't get to have what I want, and I don't get to be who I want to be.

Last edited by Hiya; 10-16-2005 at 06:36 PM.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 06:35 PM   #9
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Hiya HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
So, walk out the door of your past, Nini, and open up a new door to your future. I was thinking of you all day yesteday and that's exactly what I hoped you would realize....that it's time to move on from that pain of your past and try to embrace a new future.
Thanks for the good thoughts Goody, but I know I already opened the new door to my future. There just wasn't anything behind it.

I'm not a total basketcase that sits in the corner chewing on my hair and mumbling to myself. I laughted, I danced, I even flirted last night with the limo driver, which might sound a bit pathetic if he hadn't been so cute. He really was cute! And I invited him to come sit with us, and he leaned over and made a couple of little jokes to me, but never sat to talk. I hoped he'd ask for my number but he didn't. And I wasn't going to just hand it to him. I've learned my lesson about running after men. When they want you, they come get you. If they don't pursue, then they don't want you.

Anyway, I was more closed off to love when I met my ex than I am now, honestly, so I can't really get behind the whole "you'll love again when you want to" stuff. I'll love again if and when God wills, but I'm blue from holding my breath as it is. I just can't worry about it anymore. I've shut the door on my past as much as I can. Like I said, I'm just a passionate, quixotic, emotionally driven person, always have been, that's just how I was made. I know now that another love is the only thing that will stop me from aching for my ex. If it happens, great, if not, I've done all I can do. I was ok when I had never been touched by a man and didn't know what I was missing, but once I had that taste of honey, there's just no going back and being ok with it for me. But thanks all for your support, I truly appreciate it.

 
Old 10-16-2005, 10:22 PM   #10
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Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Hey Nini, I hope you find a new love... and I think you are doing just fine right now... just dont keep yourself all closed up- physically and emotionaly from meeting a new guy. Are you sure that guy at work is completely out of the question? He might be worth going on a couple of dates with... I dont know... if not , just keep your eyes open for any cute hotties

 
Old 10-17-2005, 12:06 AM   #11
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stacykgb20 HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Well, not that I really owe you an explanation, but I've only been physically intimate with two men my entire life, and I never had actual intercourse with either of them. The first was my ex, who I loved, who I thought would be my only lover and who I thought I would marry. Six years later, after not being touched by a man for all that time, and finding out my ex had married the TTE, I reconnected with the mutual friend, who I never had any serious romantic or relationshp inclinations toward, but there was a physical chemistry, and I knew he had always been attracted to me. In an attempt to escape the pain and to try to forget the memory of the intimacy I had with my ex, I fooled around a couple of times with the mutual friend, who I had known for 10 YEARS, NOT just some guy I picked up in a bar half an hour ago. and each time, I cried during from the emptiness and loneliness. Once I realized physical contact with him did nothing to lessen the pain or the loneliness I had been feeling, I ended the physical aspect of our relationship, despite having the misfortune of being born a passionate, visceral person with an extremely high sex drive. I would rather spend my days so frustrated and miserable it's physically painful than compromise my values again. I am quite clear, in fact way TOO clear, on what kind of person I am and what kind of SO I want to be with. I want to be with a man who loves God, who has only had one or two lovers in his history, who would love me enough to be faithful and devoted to me, who wants to make a home and a family with me, i.e. the kind of man my ex's wife gets to be with. I want to be the woman I am, momentary indescretion due to blinding physical and emotional pain aside, virtuous, faithful, devoted, having only one lover in my life, my whole life, family oriented soccer mom with the cookies and milk when the kids get home and dinner with the hubby every night, with a man who would appreciate it, i.e., the kind of woman my ex's wife gets to be. The problem is not my being confused about what I want or who I want to be. The problem is, I don't get to have what I want, and I don't get to be who I want to be.

Nini, is what you want at all negotiable? As you know, we have some things strongly in common (such as what you said about being passionate with a high sex drive) and have other significant differences...I'm a little worried that part of the problem for you might be that who you are and what you're ideally looking for in a relationship might not be compatible. For instance, if you're only going to have one lover, I'd assume that you'd want him to be quite talented in bed, right? It would be pretty frustrating and unsatisfying to hold out and sleep with only one partner and then have him turn out to be clueless or just plain bad in bed. Unfortunately, some men just are, and the vast majority of bad lovers are those with little to no sexual experience. We differ in that while like you, I'd be okay with eventually settling down with one partner, assuming he was a good match for me, unlike you, I've always been excited to sleep with a lot of different people. From those experiences, it's pretty clear to me that the more experience someone has with sex (both in terms of the total sexual encounters and the number of different partners they've had), the more likely they are to be able to thoroughly satisfy their partners. Guys who have only had one or a few partners are almost invariably lacking in sexual talent, with the exception of a few who I dated early on, but then I slept with them each hundreds of times, so while they ended up being pretty amazing lovers, but then they also had a lot of experience compared to other guys despite only having been with one girl. Also, the vast majority of people with sexual hangups and inhibitions are likely to be religious, so you might want to consider relaxing that requirement. Besides tending to be great in bed, people without strong religious beliefs are rarely judgmental or hypocritical when it comes to sex (as your ex turned out to be when it came to his views on religion, birth control and premarital sex). And also, by steering clear of guys who like smoking pot, you are leaving only the most uptight men in your dating pool, not to mention the fact that men who smoke pot (even if they only used to or only do occasionally) are inevitably skillful and sensual lovers compared to those who don't--there's not even a contest.

I'd really hate to see you rule out otherwise great potential prospects because they have at least a decent amount of sexual experience, aren't religious, and/or smoke pot, as I highly doubt there'd be very many good partners left to choose from. And if you did find someone who fit this criteria who was still single, I'm very worried that it'd be nearly inevitable that in this day and age, he'd nearly inevitably be unable to satisfy you sexually. I know that it's important to have principles, but I would strongly suggest that you be flexible about considering men who don't exactly conform to your standards. I think most people who find great partners end up surprised that in at least a few ways, these partners don't live up to their original expectations and requirements. I've always vigorously avoided guys who smoke cigarettes, for instance, yet several of the men I've loved most were smokers when I met them and though I insisted they quit, not all were able to do so completely successfully, which had little effect on their ability to be wonderful, loving boyfriends. Looking back, I wish I'd been a lot less rigid about what I wouldn't tolerate in a potential partner--physical standards are one thing, as you just can't talk yourself into being attracted to someone by being flexible if you're not naturally drawn to them. Compromise and an open mind are two very good things when it comes to searching for someone to love, and I hope you retain a little bit of hope, at least, that the right guy could still come along and be amenable to giving him a chance even if he doesn't fit the ideal partner you described above.

I agree completely with you that guys will pursue us if they are truly interested, and itís not in my nature either to be the aggressor, but Iíd caution you against adhering to that principle too rigidly. Itís one thing to be strict about such rules if youíre getting all the dates you want and 100% happy with your love life, but if not, itís a good idea to shake things up a bit, try something different, and relax your approach somewhat. Keep in mind that while guys generally like to do the chasing once dating starts, they are often just as nervous and reticent about making the first move as even the shyest women are. So slipping your phone number to the limo driver, in my view, wouldnít have been a mistake at allóif you think about it from his perspective, heís probably thinking that youíd never consider dating the hired help or worried that youíd be offended that he was trying to take advantage of his position if he asked you out or acted at all unprofessionally toward you. Slipping him your number would have been a risk-free proposition, since at worst he wouldnít call, and his attitude suggests professionalism and restraint, not a lack of interest in you. But even if he wasnít into you, what do you have to lose? Assuming that or anything else negative only deprives yourself of chances before you even get a shot, and since I get the sense that you feel you canít get much lonelier and sadder as long as youíre single, what do you have to lose by taking the pressure off a guy by making a subtle first move that shows your interest and leaves the ball in his court? I also agree with Soulster about the guy at work, assuming you find him at least somewhat physically appealing. It sounds like your main objections otherwise are his use of tobacco and pot, but trust me that if you avoid all men who use or have used those substances, you will be ruling out a large number of brilliant, talented, caring, wonderful men without ever really giving them a fair chance. If you just donít like him, thatís one thing, but if thatís not the case, I think Soulster might be quite right about the benefits of giving him another chance. At worst, itíd be some additional dating experience, which is always valuable, as well as a confidence boost for you to go out with a man whoís obviously very into you. Anyway, I donít mean to lecture you or criticize your approach to dating; I only want to see you happy and having fun with good company, and I think staying positive and open to guys who donít fit your usual dating criteria is the best way to accomplish that. Please try to hang in there and donít give up completely, OK? Thereís always the chance that the perfect man for you is just around the corner (I definitely hope he is and that heís not too many corners away from you)!

 
Old 10-17-2005, 07:33 AM   #12
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Hiya HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by stacykgb20
Guys who have only had one or a few partners are almost invariably lacking in sexual talent, with the exception of a few who I dated early on, but then I slept with them each hundreds of times, so while they ended up being pretty amazing lovers, but then they also had a lot of experience compared to other guys despite only having been with one girl.
Exactly. There are certain things a woman can teach, and you taught these guys. A man being a great lover is not nearly as important as a man who loves me, wants to please me, and is open to my needs and compromise. Although these inexperienced men you slept with were bad in bed at first, you became sexually acclamated over time, as most couples do, and they were able to please you. When there's respect and love and compromise, to me that's worth far more than a guy who's banged a lot of women he didn't love, not to mention most likely has herpes or HPV. Pot is also a non-negotiable, I'm afraid. It's a criminal activity, and studies have shown that pot smokers are just as susceptible if not moreso to lung cancer, they think because pot smokers hold the smoke in their lungs longer than cigarette smokers. Plus, I get drug tested for work, and I don't need to getting a contact high and getting busted at work. I wouldn't object to a guy who maybe used it occasionally in his past, but a present pot smoker, no, out of the question. The guy at work, no, these aren't the only reasons why I don't think he's dating material. He's just not stable or settled enough, and although he's nice to me, there's just no chemistry.

Religion is another thing I just can't give on. He doesn't have to be a bible thumping, Bush-loving, Dr. James Dobson quoting fundamentalist, in fact that would turn me off. But a firm belief in something greater than him, a belief in a moral structure to the universe, and some sort of sense of Jesus and why we celebrate His birth, yes, that's necessary for any man who will be the father of my children. I could never raise children with a man who didn't have some kind of faith.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stacykgb20
...as I highly doubt there'd be very many good partners left to choose from.
Exactly. Which is why it hurts so badly to feel this door slam in my face for good. I really doubt there's anyone else out there for me.

Anyway, I have to accept the way my life unfolds. If I do end all contact with my friend, I will lose contact with the women I have been forming a friendship with, one in particular, who I do feel a connection to as a friend, but still don't know well enough to associate with her outside the context of our mutual friendship with my friend. If that relationship ends, I'll probably never see her again. I'll have no one to go out with or go to clubs with or whatever, except my brother, who is a big, Geraldo Rivera -looking guy whom everyone assumes is my boyfriend or husband. How am I going to flirt it up with guys in that situation? I'm screwed, or at least sure feel like it now. But the ex probably went to his wife and made me out to be some sort of stalker type hell bend on making trouble for them, so it's turned into this stupid high school stuff, "well, you can't go if she's going to be there, well, let's see, nini's going to be there so I can't invite the ex, well I want the ex to be at this event so I can't tell nini about it" and it's just so stupid. I tried to rise above it, but she would have none of it, so it's best if I just take myself out of the picture. I just wanted answers, why I deserved to be yelled at, called names, to have the church kneeler slammed down on my leg, without so much as an apology. When he left me I told him it wasn't losing a lover that was so bad, but losing my best friend that was killing me, and he said I wasn't, that I would always have that. I guess that was just another lie.

No, it's pretty clear to me that what I should do now, at least for a while, is just keep to my business, keep my head down, work my job, come home, hang out with my dog, and leave it at that. I obviously brought this on myself, and I can't fix it. I don't fully understand why I deserve to be so alone and so unhappy, but I guess I do.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 07:48 AM   #13
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realguy HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

The older you become, the less chance of finding a guy who fits your rigid description of your ideal male.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 08:00 AM   #14
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Hiya HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
The older you become, the less chance of finding a guy who fits your rigid description of your ideal male.
Well, the older you become, the less your chance of finding any available male. I'm not looking for my ideal male. My ex was hardly ideal but i love dhim anyway. But what's the point in lowering your standards to just a degree where you are unhappy in your relationship, you don't really love your partner, and you're constantly wishing you had something else, but hey, you're with SOMEONE? I don't think anywone should have to settle to such a degree. That defeats the whole purpose of being in a relationship. I'd rather be alone and miserable than be stuck to someone else and miserable, which in turn would make him miserable.

Last edited by Hiya; 10-17-2005 at 08:01 AM.

 
Old 10-17-2005, 08:09 AM   #15
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cinting HB User
Re: I WAS having a good time, until...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
No, it's pretty clear to me that what I should do now, at least for a while, is just keep to my business, keep my head down, work my job, come home, hang out with my dog, and leave it at that. I obviously brought this on myself, and I can't fix it. I don't fully understand why I deserve to be so alone and so unhappy, but I guess I do.
Hey Hiya, I'm so glad you went to the party, and it sounds as though you didn't have too bad of a time. There's nothing wrong with you, you absolutely do not deserve to be alone and unhappy, and you didn't deserve the way your ex treated you. I still say, he is a fool. If you want to keep to your business, and go about your life, come home, hang out with your dog, I don't see anything wrong with that, I feel the exact same way, but instead of keeping your head down, hold your head high and be proud of the remarkable woman that you are.

I couldn't help but wonder why your ex's wife wouldn't want him to go to the party, or why she wouldn't want them as a couple to go? It sounds like she is insecure about something, did she know that you were going to be there?

Hiya, we all have a right to set standards for ourselves and what we expect in a partner, and we all do this on one level or another. But please, don't not give someone a chance because of things they did in their past. Think about the things I have told you about me and my ex and the way he was with me, I didn't deserve that, right? I had made mistakes in my past, experimented with things, more than occasionally with some, got a dui, dated someone who was twice my age, and my ex used all these things against me because I didn't meet up to his standards. But those were a part of my past, a part of me that I had walked away from, willingly, with no doubt nor any thought about ever wanting to go down that road again. I'm not saying that I abused anything, I didn't, but I did party when I was younger, a lot younger, it was like 5 years before I even met my ex. I really believe that everything a person goes through in life makes you who you are, so if you meet someone who you feel you have a connection with and are attracted to, would you not give them a chance if they had more experience (sexual or otherwise) than what you are looking for?

 
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