Hi. I posted a few days ago (posting - this CAN'T be okay, can it?). I feel the need to post the past few days' happenings. i HAVE to get out, but putting up with this constant emotional ride is making me feel weak and insecure and a bit crazy myself. here goes:
monday i was sick and stayed home from work. my bf said that he would come back over around 4 or 5 and for dinner. i told him i would start the sauce and when he got there he could make the spaghetti and put the bread in, etc. around 3 i called him and there was no answer, so i tried again, thinking he might have a bad signal and no answer again. i wanted to ask him before i got in the shower when he was coming so i could start the sauce, put it on simmer and lay down. i waited about 45 minutes for him to call back and gave him one more try before i got in the shower. he answered the phone and yelled "YOU CALLED ME TWICE ALREADY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT VOICE MAIL IS FOR? WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME, JESUS CHRIST, I JUST WALKED ONTO MY BOAT!" i was dumbfounded. i said "when it rang twice and you didn't answer, i figured your signal was messed up, so i tried again." he said "I HEARD YOU CALL THE FIRST TWO TIMES, BUT I WAS IN THE GARAGE AND HAD A WEAK SIGNAL AND DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING IT." i said "why are you YELLING at me?" he just kept getting pissier. he told me his 20 year old daughter was there, which really ****** me off that he was yelling at me in front of her. he said he'd call me after she left, they were having lunch. he didn't call until 5:20 and said he had work to do and he'd be up around 7:00, if that's okay. i'm thinking no, it's not okay, i'm sick, want to eat early so i can lay down, but i said fine, the wuss that i am. then he calls at 6:40 and he is at the bar again. i said "i thought you were keeping me waiting because you had to work." and he screams "ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF NOT WORKING??? " i told him i wasn't accusing him of anything, just pointing out the fact that i was waiting dinner for HIM and he was hanging out at the bar. and i could tell he didn't just get there, he was already slurring. He said "i'll be there SOON." around 7:00'ish he called me from his car,yelling and cursing "I FORGOT MY GOD**** TOBACCO ON THE F**** BOAT, I COULDN'T FIND MY CAT TO GET HER ON THE BOAT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HOME AFTER DINNER, I CAN'T STAY" (and i'm thinking to myself, good one! you need an excuse to leave because you really didn't want to come in the first place, you wanted to stay at the bar and get drunk with your loser friends! just hate being b.s.'ed; just tell me the truth and i'll be ****** for a bit and get over it, but don't cause me all this drama and get me all upset when i'm sick as a dog for nothing, especially when he invited himself over. he called again yelling how he can't find a g****** f***** parking spot....i swear, he called me l6 times "this is the SIXTH time i've ridden past your house, blah blah blah". he was SCREAMING at me, "NOW i'm in a bad mood" and i'm thinking geez, NOW you're in a bad mood? he was screaming his head off at me, so i said "you know what, just ride past the house, put the car in park and i'll bring you your backpack and you can go" and he says 'GREAT IDEA". he knocked a minute later, came STORMING in and yelled at me some more and raced back and forth through the living room yelling and making me cry. then he walked out the door and stood on my steps and was STILL yelling, so i gave him a little push with the door and slammed it shut and locked it. he called me and said "that was F**** up that you shut the door on my back" and i yelled back (with tears of course) "IT WAS F****** UP THAT EVEN THOUGH I WAS SICK I WAS MAKING YOU DINNER....AND WAITING ON DINNER...IF YOU WEREN'T COMING I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH A BOWL OF SOUP AND BED, BUT I MADE YOU DINNER AND NOW YOU ARE YELLING AT ME FOR NOTHING!" he hung up on me. he called me 20 minutes later, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i love you, please forgive me, i wish i was still at your house, that's where i'd rather be, etc." i begrudgingly forgave him and he said "i'm going to take a shower and if it's not too late, i'll come back up." this was at 8:00. i called him at 10:30 and no answer. he called me at 11:10 WASTED DRUNK, had been at the bar the whole time, and said "i think it's too late to come up." i was like REALLY? we hung up and that was that. he hung out there until close. if that's more appealing, so be it. yesterday, he offered to take me to the doctor. he took me, dropped me off and then picked me up. he picked his daugher up again and they were at boat when he called me...he said he was going to take her to lunch because the boat was still torn up...blah blah blah. he also said he was going to come over around 7:00 (again, his idea). i said "well if you can make it earlier, that would be nice, i'm trying to eat and get to bed earlier tonight, and he said okay, he had work to do but would try. so i tried to call him around 5:15; no answer. he calls me back and guess what? he's at the bar!!! shooting pool. so anyway, he does wind up coming over at 7:00'ish...in a foul mood. he started in on the rum and orange juice right away. so anyway, it's pleasant enough after he mellows out. he called his mom and they chatted a bit, then he and i started talking about our trip to colorado to visit his folks next month. he said he'd rather catch a connecting flight from boulder to denver instead of driving. i asked "is it one of those small commuter planes" and he says "yes" and i said "oh honey, no way, i can't fly on those things" he's like "YES YOU CAN" and i said no, trust me, the one time i was on one i cried the whole time and really freaked out. i have a fear of flying, but it's horrible on small planes, i'm okay on jets...it's a phobia...we all know what those are...irrational fears and it's not something you can just blink and get rid of. and with all his craziness, one little phobia is NOTHING compared to HIS issues, you know? so i was like, please, i can't go on one of those, especially in snowy colorado over the mountains in the winter...i will really freak out...and besides, we had already PLANNED on renting a car and taking the scenic route so we could go to Vail and the hot springs and all that...that's part of what i was really looking forward to...and he says "i can't EVER make plans with you!!!" and i said "what are you talking about??? this is the first timet this has ever come up!" and he yells THERE ARE PLACES I WANT TO GO AND YOU CAN ONLY GET THERE BY COMMUTER PLANES! and i'm thinking okay, we've never gone anywhere together...so what the hell?????? he started really going off like OH, GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE DISCOMFORT ON YOUR TRIP...GOD FORBID WE SHOULD INCONVENIENCE YOU". i admit i started crying, AGAIN, and i was like "what the hell is going on here?" why are you yelling at me again??? and he says "you know what? you have one month to get over your phobia. see a therapist, whatever you need to do, but get over it, it's stupid!" he was really going off. then he grabs his clothes and throws them on and starts to leave again...and i was like "what the HELL is going on?" he finally calms down and sits back down and we more and less didn't talk at all; he does tell me he ran into a friend of his earlier who is often an instigator for trouble between the two of us...i'm sure that had something to do with it..he always gets that way around him, not that it's an excuse by any means). i put in a movie and we watched it, then watched the daily show and went up to bed. he turns his back on me and mumbles "good night" (and we always kiss and hug good night). i was like "hey, no kiss?" (i really shouldn't have wanted one at this point), and he gives me a peck and says good night. then he says "if you had the avian flu, would you expect me to kiss you?" and i was like WHAT? i had a fever of 101 on sunday and you kissed me then, you offered me a drink of your soda, you kissed me yesterday, and now three days later you have a problem kissing me with a cold that's not even contagious anymore? he was silent. so i said "WHAT is wrong? why don't you like me today?" and he says "i like you." and i said "so why are you being so mean to me?" and he says "because my brain is functioning again." i said WHAT??? are you saying that you were nice before because your brain wasn't functioning properly?? and now that it IS, you're mean to me?" he wouldn't answer, so i asked him again. he sat up, and i kid you NOT, he started repeatedly PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE HEAD and yelling argghhhhh!!! then he jumps up and says I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, I CAN'T STAY HERE, I'M PUNCHING MYSELF IN THE HEAD, IT'S DANGEROUS FOR ME TO BE IN THIS BED!" then he yells "MAYBE I'M CRAZY, MAYBE YOU'RE CRAZY, MAYBE WE'RE BOTH CRAZY!" and i'm thinking, i'm not the one punching myself in the head, but i wasn't going to provoke him more. okay, so i am in shock at this point...i followed him down the stairs as he is yet again angrily throwing on his clothes and WUSSY me starts crying and saying please don't leave (what a weakling i am). he comes over and hugs me, says "i'm not leaving." he smoked a cigarette, came back to bed and we didn't speak at all. woke up this morning and i went to work and he left...we've talked once or twice since then.
how can he behave this way and then say that i'm crazy, and try to make me feel like i'm a nutcase because i have a phobia about flying??? even though i have a phobia, i still fly, but small planes freak me out...does that make me insane? does that compare to his nutty behavior??
he's got me twisted up in his nuttiness that when he says i'm the one with issues i start to believe it and feel insecure and it makes me weak and i feel like i don't have any control anymore. i'm NOT normally a weakling like this! I need some serious help!
The only serious help you need is the knowledge & belief that the RIGHT relationship for you will NOT be like this one.
A healthy relationship is alot more than "Love" - and the thought of facing a lifetime with someone like this makes my stomach tie up in knots.
Actually I lived with a guy for 3 yrs who yelled. It does NOT have to be like that.
They are not going to change -
Is this what you want out of life???
You are definitely not the one who is crazy here. This guy is acting like a crazed tyrant and being very emotionally abusive. You really need to end things with him if you want to have any peace and quiet in your life at all--it doesn't sound like things are going to get better with a man who clearly has major issues with both anger and drinking. I think you should get as far away as possible before he destroys more of your self-esteem and escalates his abusive behavior...
He sounds bipolar!! This guy is seriously disturbed, and I'm so sorry you're going through this! You have to put a stop to it! You can't help him... he needs to see a doctor for several different possible illnesses. All you can do is keep yourself safe by staying away from him. What is keeping you with him? Is it just the fear of what will happen if you try to leave? Or do you really think you are happy in this relationship?
Think about this: If you acted this way towards a guy you were dating, do you think he'd keep you around? People break off relationships for far less than this... Why are you giving this guy so many second chances?
This guy has 2 sides to him: The calm side and the crazy side. Everything is fine when he's calm... like when you were watching the movie together. And I think you're trying to hang onto the hope that he will be calm more often than crazy. You have to take the crazy side of him into consideration more than you are, because he's dangerous. And why would you want to settle for a relationship with a man who only treats you decently half the time? Not even half the time! Don't you want to be with someone who not only treats you decently, but shows you love every day?! Someone who wouldn't be late for dinner, he would be on time... and he'd go a step further and cook it FOR YOU! You deserve that, Nannie!!! Please understand that! Right now there is someone out there who will love you the way you deserve, and he's just waiting for this jerk to get out of his spot next to you!!
Even if you do remain single for awhile, is it really all that bad compared to the abuse you're suffering right now? You have to take the first step and end this awful relationship. It's going to take courage, but you will be so glad you did it. It will only leave you with more strength, confidence, and dignity.
Tell me honestly... why are you with him?
I have to tell you - I have bipolar disorder and THIS guy sounds more like an abusive alcoholic to me than someone with a mental illness.
Run. Do not walk.
Run from this relationship while you have the strength.
Love him for the rest of your life, but do NOT stay with a man who treats you like this no matter HOW you feel about him.
Please - I've been there and you know deep inside that you need to get away, right?
There are alot of people here who will help support you all the way thru...
Take a look at how long some of us have been posting - you know we're not going anywhere!!!
I agree....I couldn't even finish reading your post, it was screaming out abuse from the very start. Been there, done that, and I ran and found my happiness. You will too so long as you get out of this relationship and never look back.
Think about it...you were sick....any loving person would have insisted on cooking dinner for you or at least brought you some hot soup and bread. All this guy brought you was a whole lot of abuse and bad language!!!
You need to take care of your emotional health as well as your physical health. Staying away from somebody who treats you in such an inhumane way is the best way to take care of your emotional well being. Please do not waste another day of your life with this guy....he is definitely bad news and a danger to your emotional well being. You deserve so much better.
thank you everyone for your support. i really need it. to all of you, i guess i do realize i have to end this. i do want someone who treats me well, someone who respects me and loves and doesn't make me feel awful most of the time. i've known this for some time. the reason i've put up with so much? i'm not really sure. it's probably a combination of things. he's got me all messed up right now and it's hard to leave when your self-esteem is at an all time low. it's also hard to leave when you know you're going to run into him all the time...we live so close and our neighborhood, while in the city, is very close knit and everyone knows each other. i hate drama. i hate break-ups, and i especially hate public ones...and this one will be public. i guess i have to face the music, be strong and not fall for his crap anymore. i can't waste any more precious time. he did it to me again tonight by the way...was supposed to be over at 8:45 and when i called he had "stopped at the bar, but was on his way out." guess what i did differently? i told him to stay where he was. at least i'll have some peace tonight. i'm going to try with all my heart to be strong and let this go. i have to, for my own sanity. thanks again, your replies and support mean more than you know. good night -- nannie8
Keep it up... this guy sounds like a very bad, dangerous apple and ANY woman would deserve better! You do not have to settle into being treated like you are right, he's being absolutely horrible to you. You must know there is better, the sooner you close the door on this relationship the better... seriously Please take care of yourself. It's okay be sad and torn about it, but ultimately if you stay with this guy I WOULD say you're crazy!!
Good job Nannie!! By you telling him to stay where he is, you just took a huge leap towards gaining the strength you need to get away from him! Every little thing you do like that gives you more and more power, and it will be easier and easier. How did he respond when you told him not to come over? Was he angry? Did you two fight?
You can do this, nannie. You may think you have no self-confidence, but someone with no self- confidence would not have done what you did last night. You know in your heart that you're worthy of so much more. You have to really believe it, and then make it a reality.
I know it's hard to break up with someone when your lives are so intertwined. Try to figure out all the little areas of your life that would be affected by the break-up, and find a solution to each small thing. One at a time. For instance, let's say you shop at the same grocery store at the same time. The solution would be to just adjust a bit. Either pick a different store or pick a different time. If you have mutual friends, try breaking off contact for awhile. Your real, true friends are the ones who are loyal to you and would remain your friend and not his. That way you don't have to worry about gossip and drama. Come up with solutions to little things... and soon enough you will have everything figured out. It's important to remain proactive and in control of the situation. Predict where problems may arise and find a way to prevent them from happening beforehand. Trust me, you can and WILL be just fine without him!!
Reply to all: well, i did it. i broke up with him. he's picking up some stuff at my house and returing the house key on saturday. i don't have the strength go into how it happened and what i said. i'll report in later. i feel so drained.
Congratulations, Nannie I know that you feel drained but you just closed the door to a bad part of your life and this will allow you to open a door to the life you deserve. There would have only been pain and disappointment....now you can find the happiness that you deserve.
Celebrate by doing something really special for yourself. Go pamper yourself and give yourself a giant pat on the back for having the courage to walk away. I know how it is...for I once had to do the same. and believe me, you will look back on this day as being the first day to the rest of your life. I am celebrating with you.
I am so proud of you!!! It takes some serious backbone to do what you've done and you should be so, so pleased with yourself even if the initial breakup part is hard. The fact that you took this step says a lot about your personality - you are a strong woman!
Stay strong and hang in there, there is only brightness ahead!
nannie, I do know how hard this is even if it is the right thing to do.
Please don't expect things to get instantly better. It will take a while to deal with all of the feelings connected to him and a break up.
Each day you'll stand a bit stronger and take a bit larger steps away from this relationship - and you will feel better.
Hang in there -