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Old 10-21-2005, 01:23 PM   #1
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littleone314 HB User
so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

Hopefully some of you remember me posting about my boyfriends financial problems and his occasional temper outbursts. Lately, it seems to have gotten worse. He is very insecure about himself and I have noticed how jealous he gets. I really don't mind it because I am the same way. When I wear something sexy when we go out or if I look nice he makes sarcastic remarks, he tells me that I am beautiful and that everywhere we go he always catches guys looking at me and gauking and he takes offense to it. He is scared he will loose me to those guys. Like I said that doesn't really bother me because I understand him. But thats not the only thing...

I just recently started talking to my best friend of 5 years again. She and I were going through our "bad girl" stage when I met up with my boyfriend again. He met my friend and didn't like her when he really got to see how she was. I have to admit I didn't like the road she was taking and honestly....I was starting to follow her. He could see this and I completely understand his concern with the situation. He and I were just starting to try and make a relationship work again and I was doing suspicious things. Well anyways...she went off to school and I stayed home going to school here. SHe and I lost touch and my boyfriend and I became extremely close. He has told me over and over how much he wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc. Things were wonderful and we were both happy. I never questioned his love for me, I knew he loved me.

Anyways...he and I spent the day together last Saturday and he spent the night with me. I had made plans with her to have lunch sunday afternoon. We woke up late and I had to go as soon as I realized what time it was. I asked him to stay and wait for me because I told him that I would only be gone an hour and that I would be back. He said ok and made some comment about what I was wearing and told me to have a good time. I honestly didn't plan on being gone for more than an hour. Well, as I said before he doesn't really like my family and he had offered to watch my son for me and stay at the house so that I could go out. When my friend and I had lunch we were having a fantastic time. She asked me to stay a little longer and I got carried away and ended up spending about 3/4 hours gone. I know it was wrong I just missed her so much. He called about an hour into our afternoon and I didn't say I would be staying longer because I knew he would get upset with me. So, I just said I will be home shortly. He calls again about an hour and a half later very upset yelling at me and telling me that I "needed to come home". He was right but I still didn't listen. So, on my way home I called him and he was so angry. He cussed at me and told me "to get my a** home now". I hung up on him because of the way he was talking to me and I met him up at my house. He was so mad at me!! He started telling me how I use people and that I treat my family terribly. He said that I took advantage of him because I knew that he would stay. He said that he was hurt because I didn't even invite him to go with me when we do almost everything together. He said he didn't know what exactly I was doing, if I was really with my friend or not. Well, despite everything we made up and everything was ok for about a day.

I have been stressed out because of school lately and been snappy with my family. He nor I come from a very healty, functional family. We both have experienced and seen things many people shouldn't among their families. So, we can connect on that note. Well, he was over at the house for dinner the other night and he was sitting on the couch. (he has done this before and I have asked him many times to stop) I smarted off to my mom about something that I shouldn't have but he yells across the room "don't talk to your mother like that she doesn't deserve it, find the salad yourself in the refrigerator instead of being lazy". I said back to him "I didn't ask your opinion". Well, I made him brownies earlier in the day because I knew he had a long day at work and I was trying to make him feel better. So, after that incident I called him in the kitchen to tell him supper was ready and show him the brownies. He wouldn't come in because he said I was in a horrible mood and he didn't do things he was ordered to do. So, I go and sit down next to him and asked him to please come in the kitchen and he says (right in front of my mother) " I am not doing anything untill you knock off your bad attitude". So, I just get up and go into my room because I was so embarresed. He comes in there and I am balling my eyes out and he tries to make up with me and apologize. I didn't want anything to do with it because I was so angry and hurt that I cooked and baked for him he still treated me like that. I told him to stop touching me that I didn't want him around right now. He tryed telling me that he was correcting me because he had been in my same shoes. He said that he treated his grandmother like that and the next thing he knew she died and he didn't get to apologize. He said he didn't want that happening to me. He said to always treat my family like I love them no matter what because you never know what will happen and that he was trying to help me. I admit I am rude to my parents sometimes for no reason and that is something I need to work on. He then preceeds to tell me how my son is not being raised the right way. He told me that I need to step up and be the mother instead of letting my family spoil him. He is spoiled by his grandparents I will admit and it's hard for me to punish him when they interveen as they do. We are at a stand still with that and I don't know what to do because I feel like I am saving my son from seeing the family fighting. I asked him why he feels like he has the right to say anything and said "because that boy will be my stepson one day and I want him raised right, I worry that he won't know rules etc." I didn't know what to say about this either because he is right too. All I could do was stand there sobbing while he was telling everything that was wrong with me. I felt very attacked!!! He told me that my mom comes to him and talks about me and asks him to get me to "straighten up". and he says that puts him in the middle. He says that he is just trying to help me and tell me better ways to handle it. He says he just wants me to be a happier person. In a matter of a week he told me I was selfish, immature, needed to take a more active role in my son's life, be nicer to my family etc. I felt like he was trying to be my parents and I was extremely hurt. All I could was look at him with disgust and when he grabs my hands and tries to kiss me I feel like it's fake. He used to look at me and I could see his face light up and I knew he loved me. Now he talks to me like he hates me. I don't know what I have done. I have told him that I am tired of everything lately and that I didn't know what I wanted. When he tells me that he loves me sometimes I refuse to say it back just out of spite because I am hurting .Yes, thats wrong.

Well, last night was my braking point. I just honestly feel like he doesn't love and care about me anymore. HE used to talk about the future and he used to introduce me to people as "his future wife" and he just stopped all that stuff. I loved it but it stopped. He has told me many times that the only way he will ever leave is if I cheat on him or tell him I don't want him around. He says he will be around as long as I want him too. So, while we were walking into my house I just spit out "I don't even know if I want us to be together anymore". He turns around to me and looks down at the ground and says "ouch" and preceeds to walk away from me. I ask him to stop because I didn't mean it. I really didn't but I was trying to just get his attention somehow that I am not happy with the way he treats me. I don't know how else to get it across to him. I love him so much and do want to be with him but not the way he acts. I talked him into coming in and we just went to bed. We were laying there and he asks me if I really meant it and I didn't answer. He tells me then that" he is just going to leave because the woman that he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with just broke up with him". I told him that I didn't really mean it and his tone of voice just completely changed. He told me that I need to stop trying so hard to protect myself from being hurt. He said maybe all this fighting was a test to see if we were strong enough to make it. He said that whenever we have problems all I seem to want to do is brake up when he wants to work on it and try and see if we can fix it. I told him that I just miss the beginning of the relationship so much when everything was perfect and we treated each other like gold. He said he missed it too but that he wants to try and get it back.

I don't know what to do...I honestly just don't feel like he feels the same way about me as he did. He won't admit it so what do I do? I do love him and care about him. Is this worth saving? Oh and he didn't even take the brownies I made for him home he didn't even eat one of them.

Last edited by littleone314; 10-21-2005 at 01:31 PM.

 
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Old 10-21-2005, 02:01 PM   #2
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littleone314 HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

I wasn't able to add this as I went over the quota but he has told me that he knows he has a problem with his temper and that he realizes how horrible it is for him to talk to me the way he does but that I am the only one that can help him with this because he has never met anyone he wanted to change it for. He says all I have to do is, pull him aside and tell him to calm down and that everything will be ok. I don't know if that's just a cop out or what.

 
Old 10-21-2005, 02:12 PM   #3
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

Wow! I think it sounds like both of you have some insecurities that need to be dealt with. Many times, when couples start to get closer, they will do things to make some space between them, such as starting fights and things like that. Intimacy is like a dance, you give a little and then pull back a little. Most people can only handle so much intimancy or closeness at one time depending on their comfort level.

Your boyfriend does seem rather controlling though, and this is something you should be wary of. Men that are that jealous can sometimes become abusive.

He needs to learn to trust you and you need to trust him. It sounds as if he is doubting your feelings about him. Of course, I can see why you would be since he is so very jealous and seems to be overly controlling.

There are certainly things you two need to work on if you want to improve your relationship. I would suggest having a heart to heart talk with him about your feelings and also let him discuss his feelings with you. Do this when you are both calm and not angry. Don't interrupt while he is talking and ask him not to interrupt while you are talking. Good luck!

 
Old 10-22-2005, 09:51 AM   #4
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littleone314 HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

We have talked a lot the past couple of days, and I just seem to take everything he says to heart and I get hurt way to easily. I need to learn how to toughen up a little!

I have a lot of self esteem issues myself so I can understand his. I just wonder if I am making escuses for his behavior. He went through hell basically growing up and I know thats where his problems are coming from today. I would just hate throwing away something that could be improved on but I don't want to be walked all over either.

Last edited by littleone314; 10-22-2005 at 09:52 AM.

 
Old 10-23-2005, 08:03 AM   #5
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Cannalee HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

He sounds verbally abusive to me--and verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse...and no, I don't think he will "change"--he sounds like he is a "joy robber"--and one of those who likes to mess over one's mind--no matter how bad it hurts, I would dump his derierre and not take him back...no matter what he says. He evidently does not bring out the best in you, which is what a good man does: a good man inspires his woman to be the best she can be....there's good men out there honey. This guy you're saddled with right now is not one of them. Dump him and don't look back!

 
Old 10-23-2005, 10:05 AM   #6
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littleone314 HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

I was scared I would get that reply but knew that it would be something i should seriouslly think about. Things have been better (knock on wood) the past couple of days. He has been sweeter and I myself have watched my attitude. I actually broke up with him the other day and honestly...he has straightned up since saying he didn't want to loose me etc. He has apologized numerous times and last night I actually saw improvement in the way he speaks to me in front of my parents. I don't i know he loves me I just don't know what to do. Do you think I'm being nieve by trying again? I do love him and don't want to loose him. He does make me happy.

 
Old 10-23-2005, 11:25 AM   #7
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CyberNick HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

It may sound pretty blunt, but he has "changed" because he's afraid to lose you. I've heard about this numerous times, and it has happened to me numerous times. I'll attempt to end a relationship, but because the girl is so adamant about "changing her ways" and proving to me that she can be a "better" person, I'll give things another go. Things proceed smoothly for a few weeks at best, until that person's true side comes out again and you realize that they haven't changed at all, they've just put up a front because they're so desperate not to lose you.

This man will continue to have anger management and jealousy/control issues for the rest of his life unless he seeks some kind of help. People can only change with their own self-motivation; I give things a few weeks before you'll see his angry, controlling side pop out again.

Even though you may have a few issues yourself, such as self-esteem as you noted, there's never an excuse to accept verbal abuse like that from anyone, especially someone you want to spend your life with. If a girlfriend told me to "get my a** home now", I would probably laugh and say are you serious? I would never speak to a woman that way either, and you don't deserve him knocking you down and speaking to you in that manner, especially cutting you down in front of your family.

Personally, I think both of you need a break from this relationship to work on a little self-improvement. You say you don't want to lose him and that he makes you happy... but you wouldn't be on this board asking for advice if you were completely happy with the way things are going. Can you really put up with this guy for the rest of your life as things are now?

 
Old 10-23-2005, 06:47 PM   #8
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littleone314 HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

You're right Nick and I knew it before I even posted here. I am just scared of being alone. Today wasn't such a good day. He pulled the "maybe we need to start doing these seprately from each other". That can't be good. Could I get some pointers on what to say to him and how to get my point across to him that he hurt me while I am braking up with him. I've never been good at it

 
Old 10-24-2005, 12:57 AM   #9
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CyberNick HB User
Re: so frustrated...want to let go but then again I don't...

Just remember, everyone is afraid to be alone. The number one thing people fear when getting out of a long term relationship is change; the main change being that you no longer have your signifigant other to lean on in every rough situation that pops up in life. This will ultimately help you in building self-esteem though and being more self reliant, which is good.

 
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