30 Something Men - Relationship Health Message Board

reddoorblack · 10-24-2005, 09:52 AM

I was thinking about this last night and I have to admit I am confused by 35 + year old men. I've dated several now; two different kinds. 1) Who have never been married and who don't have any children 2) The sort who have been married, divorced and who have children.

The ones who have been married seem to only want to talk about their ex's and basically complain about their problems. In fact in one instance, I gently told this one guy that I didn't think it was healthy for us to spend so much time focusing on his/our ex's and the problems associated whith that past relationship (he would be constantly asking me for details about one ex in particular) and I think it really shocked him and he got sort of defensive about it. I totally don't mind and actually like to hear about their children. That doesn't bother me at all.

The never-been-married guy is a totally different animal. I can't figure this guy out. I often wonder about this guy; a 35+ year old man who has never been married. Why not? What is he looking for? Is he looking for perfection; the perfect woman he wants but will never find becuse they don't exsist. I've found these guys to be much more self-centered and more quickly looking for a physical relationship.

I realize I just need to be myself no matter which of these two types of men I am dating but I wonder if I need to have a different approach when dealing with the two? Have any of you had experiences similar to what I'm talking about and if so, do you have any opinions and/or advice?

Scarlet Harlot · 10-24-2005, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by reddoorblack

The never-been-married guy is a totally different animal. I can't figure this guy out. I often wonder about this guy; a 35+-year-old man who has never been married. Why not? What is he looking for? Is he looking for perfection; the perfect woman he wants but will never find because they don't exist. I've found these guys to be much more self-centered and more quickly looking for a physical relationship.

Join the club honey we should get shirts made. Now, I have never dated the 35+ with an x-wife involved, but I have ran into the 35+ who hasn't been married and doesn't seem like he wants to get married or even commit to anything. But he sure likes getting physical and on occasion really enjoys the emotional support when he needs it.

(Not trying to generalize, so men don't take these statements personal.) I'm not sure if these guys think that they are going to find something better, for that matter if that was the case I could clear things up pretty quick for him and let him know he isn't going to find better than us. I would also think that after 35, shouldn't they be a little more emotionally astute or realistic about the limitations of their choices? That probably sounds pretty shallow, but everybody needs to be realistic about who they match up with.

I realize that nothing I just said actually helps you any, but thought I would let you know, I know exactly where you are coming from and you are not alone.

greeneyes100 · 10-24-2005, 10:26 AM

I think men don't want to commit nowadays because they get sex and love so easily. Most women give themselves up too easily, and I am clearly one of these. It's something I finally realized about myself and I think that's why I haven't been lucky in love. If you really want a man, let him continually pursue you. Now, I am not saying that you should act like you dislike them, but just be a little out of reach, sexually for awhile, and emotionally for even longer.

I've noticed that the men who really fell for me were the ones I didn't care about one way or the other. The trick is to hold back when you really are into a man, no matter how hard it gets. The key to winning at love is to live with the uncertainty it entails. I truly believe this.

I think a good thing to do when dating is to date more than one man at a time. That way you don't obsess about just one. That's what I intend to do from now on. Although I used to think it didn't make any difference if you slept with a man right away or not, I've recently changed my view on this.

You should wait at least a month or so before doing the deed, unless you are just in it for the sex. If the man leaves, then you know for sure that's all he was after. If he stays, then you know he is really interested in YOU.

All we can do is learn from our mistakes and recognize destructive patterns we keep repeating.

Hope this helps.

reddoorblack · 10-24-2005, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scarlet Harlot

I would also think that after 35, shouldn't they be a little more emotionally astute or realistic about the limitations of their choices? That probably sounds pretty shallow, but everybody needs to be realistic about who they match up with.

I love this statement because I know a guy who fits this description perfectly. He's a friend and is 36, never been married, has no children. He's a decent looking guy, has a good job, very well educated. The problem is, what he want's is the "hot" girl. He's always talking about a girl who is "hot." Well guess what, that hot girl in her early 20s most likely isn't going to go for him. Another thing about him, he is very self-centered. He always jokes that "it's all about joe," meaning the world revolved around him. Please don't get me wrong, I really like this guy, he's a great person and a good friend. His expectations are way out of whack though, which makes me think, he must really not want to find someone?

reddoorblack · 10-24-2005, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greeneyes100

If you really want a man, let him continually pursue you. Now, I am not saying that you should act like you dislike them, but just be a little out of reach, sexually for awhile, and emotionally for even longer.

I think this is where I might have gone wrong with the guy who dumped me last week. I was casual about the whole thing for about 5 weeks, let him do the pursuing, didn't really let him very close. Then last weekend I let him in physically and emotionally and for whatever reason, he left. Did he get scared? I don't know. This one fell into the never-been-married category.