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Old 10-27-2005, 03:15 AM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Canada
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Fheaven HB User
How can I get over this?

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years had a porn addiction. It hurt me so much. I guess I'm kind of a jealous person, and I have alot of issues. He used to point out women he found 'Hot', show me porn, and he'd tell me when he was masturbating to it (over the phone or IM or whatever). It took me about 3 months to tell him to stop doing this, because it made me feel self-conscious. I was worried about him getting mad at me.

I still felt very bad and self-conscious about his porn viewing. But, I looked up things about it on the internet that told me it was normal for a man. So I tried my best to not think about it.

He started telling me about his preferences in women. And it'd hurt me because I didn't fit into any of what he said. He likes big nipples, long legs, asian women, and a bunch of other things. I'm only 5'3", and I'm cauncasian. I felt terrible for not being born the way he wanted me to be.

Eventually, I started getting depressed over it, and it just hurt me so much. I felt ugly, fat, and undesirable. He'd call me beautiful from time to time, but I guess I wanted him to think of me as sexy or hot. I know hot is a lustful word, but I wanted him to lust over me, sometimes... 6 months into our relationship I told him how much his porn hurt me, but he didn't stop. Instead he blamed me for looking at it.

He'd give me stupid excuses like he needed to look at it because I wouldn't do all the things he wanted me to. I was not ready, but he didn't want to wait. There were also other stupid excuses. I did take pictures for him in suggestive/nude poses, but he would only masturbate to them once or twice and then go back to the porn. He eventually told me that he had to look at porn because I was always feeling bad about my appearance, making me undesirable. I felt bad about myself because of what HE was doing to me.

I once told him that I wanted to get plastic surgery so I could look a little closer to his porn women. He told me he couldn't love me if I did that to myself. But he continued to look, anyways. I told him that I rather him physically abuse me, than emotionally abuse me. He told me that he could never do that to me. But what he was doing was so much worse than that. And I should know, because I had to deal with that in a past relationship.

I started having breakdowns, and I'd cry for hours, and tell him how it hurt me. I'd tell him how unattractive he'd make me feel, and I'd tell him I was sorry for being ugly, fat, and disgusting. He'd just tell me more stupid excuses, tell me I shouldn't worry about it, and that I was being silly. Or he'd completely ignore me.

My depression got worse, and led me to trying to escape the feeling of hurt by mutilation. I'd cut and burn myself. He'd get upset over me doing this, but I was able to hide it for the most part. I'd do this whenever I'd have a breakdown. Which just kept getting more and more frequent. I know, I probably should have broken up with him, but I couldn't. I love him so.

Eventually, his addiction led me to suicidal thoughts. I was thinking about how I could do it. I wanted to wait until he'd come home, and I'd wait in the bedroom, and tell him I hated him for doing this to me, and I wanted to shoot myself in the head, right in front of him. Bleed out all the pain and be free. I was selfish, I wanted to put him through all the pain that he's put me through. I wanted him to realize how much it really did hurt me. I told this to my best friend, and she told him about it.

It finally hit him. He finally figured out how much it hurt me, and he said he'd try his best to quit. This was around the end of august, this year. He hasn't masturbated to any of it, for the whole two months that have passed.

He now admits that he had an addiction. He told me that he's not sure why he looked at it so much, because I'm more beautiful than any pornstar could ever be. He also told me that I'm able to arrouse him more, as well. He's apologized for looking at it, and not quitting sooner. He said he's sorry for blaming it on me, because he now realize he was in the wrong. He regrets not giving it up when he found me.

I still have breakdowns every now and then, because I have a vivid memory. I'll get angry at him all over again, and I'll hurt, and cry. These are getting less frequent, but I still have them. It upsets him that I can't get over what he did. He wants me to forgive him. I can't get over it so easily, he's put me through alot, but I don't think he understands that it's going to take time for me to heal.

So, what I guess I wanted to ask is:

How can I get over this, quicker? I don't want my past to haunt me forever. How can I get him to realize that it's going to take longer than two months? How can I get him to help me?

Thank you everyone, who read this. I appreciate any advice, comments, or support you give me.

Also, for any women currently suffering with their boyfriend/husband having this addiction. I'm very sorry, and my heart goes out to you. Please be strong.

 
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Old 10-27-2005, 03:47 AM   #2
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stacykgb20 HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

Please understand that there is nothing wrong with you other than your eagerness to please him and your lack of self esteem, which he is taking advantage of—it makes me really angry and sad on your behalf that your BF is treating you with such blatant disrespect and doing everything he can do make you feel bad about yourself and inadequate. His behavior is NOT normal male stuff that women just have to put up with…while it’s true that most men enjoy porn on occasion, they do not rub it in their girlfriends’ faces, make the women they love feel inadequate by comparing them to porn stars, and use it as an excuse to treat the women in their lives with such rude, cruel, judgmental, and dismissive disrespect. It’s absolutely appalling and completely mean of him to tell you about what physical features he likes most and make you feel bad about not looking like his physical ideal, especially because I doubt he’s exactly perfect looking or that any of his dream girls would ever be interested in him in real life. Guys like him have out of control egos and watching so much porn (which usually features ugly men and women who have had surgery and everything else to look as fake and Barbie-doll like as possible) convinces them that average looking middle aged guys are irresistible to all women and can afford to be as selective as they want because they’ve deluded themselves into thinking that young attractive women would actually be interested in them. In reality, your BF is undoubtedly extremely lucky to have a woman as good-looking as you—he’s living in complete denial to think that all the women he lusts after would have even the slightest desire to be with him.

He’s also being very selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful to have brushed you off and made you feel bad when you told him that his obsession with porn hurts you (which is a completely normal and justified response on your part). That’s extremely insensitive and dismissive of your feelings, and you deserve a whole lot more respect and consideration than your boyfriend seems capable of demonstrating. Since he seems to have waged a consistent, concerted effort to erode your self-esteem, probably because he is deep down very insecure and worried that no one would want to be with him unless he convinces her she can’t do any better and is lucky to have him, I can imagine that it’s hard for you to realize at this point how much more you deserve out of a boyfriend. But please trust us that a man who you are in a relationship with has no right to make you feel bad about yourself, put you down, criticize you, or try to make you feel inferior to other women. It’s really heartbreaking to read about how much this relationship has dragged you down and destroyed your self-esteem—that is not healthy or acceptable, and for the sake of your emotional well-being, you need to get out of this relationship ASAP and seek help from a professional psychiatrist. Are you getting any therapy at all right now? Please realize that the depression, breakdowns, self-mutilation, and especially the suicidal thoughts that you’ve been experiencing are extremely serious problems which require immediate intervention—but also understand that there is help available, there are successful treatments which can help curb the pain you’re feeling inside, and that you don’t have to keep feeling this way.

However, this isn’t something you can handle or fix on your own—you really need to get professional help immediately in order to start healing and feeling better. And I know that you don’t want to hear this, but you need to be on your own and completely focused on yourself in order to get these issues under control. Your BF was obviously not the sole source of your emotional problems, but he definitely contributed to things getting as bad as they got. While he seems to have changed and you seem to be doing better, this is not something you can just sweep under the rug and get over without making serious changes in your life and getting professional assistance. Please don’t think that you can get over all of this and that everything will be great again by just continuing on the way you have been in this relationship—it may seem better temporarily, but you still need to face and work on the underlying causes of the painful ordeals you’ve faced. Otherwise you won’t be any stronger or better equipped mentally and emotionally to cope with future problems which are inevitable and unavoidable—unless you get the help you need to tackle your depression, boost your severely depleted self-esteem, and build a strong foundation to be happy no matter what the future brings. Please don’t underestimate just how serious the issue you’ve faced are or delude yourself into thinking that everything is fine now and it’s just a matter of time before you are okay, because that really isn’t going to happen until you get the professional help you need to get back on track. I am so sorry about all that you’ve gone through and really hope that you are able to start healing and face these issues head on so you never have to go through such a horrible experience again. Good luck and best wishes!

 
Old 10-27-2005, 10:08 AM   #3
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Location: California, CA, USA
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Destea HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

Honestly I agree with Stacy to a degree.

Although, I think you do need to take some personal accountability as well for how far this obsession with wanting to be everything he wants and needs. It's okay to want to be the most beautiful/fulfilling person physically and mentally for your partner but you definitely went to some pretty deep extremes and considerations.

I absolutely hate porn, personally, so I understand how it can make one feel very insecure and 'not good enough' when it's a constant in someone you loves life. That is NOT easy, so you shouldn't beat yourself up for that - but honestly to consider suicide and dropping to the point of cutting yourself is not normal nor healthy. You need to seek professional help to see where the stem of this insecurity comes from. He didn't create this in you, he helped bring it out and pushed the limits disrespectively - but you had it in you and handled it very dangerously.

You won't feel better about this until you feel better about yourself, and truthfully I think only professional help can get you there right now. You put a very strong dependency on feeling good about yourself on him and that is no good to begin with, but with his addiction it was more dangerous than even a normal situation as he couldn't nurture that extra need in you.

Please get some help, it could change your life for the better in so many ways.

 
Old 10-27-2005, 11:07 AM   #4
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Murray67980 HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

I understand how much your boyfriend's addiction to porn must have hurt you, but seriously, you need to help yourself. Its not the end of the world if your boyfriend watches porn, and it most certainly is no reason to consider killing yourself....
The thoughts you were having about suicide are not normal! If a man can honestly drive you to the point of hurting yourself, he is not the right man for you. He is either a monster who doesn't deserve you or you are the one who has the obsession. It would be rediculous to think that he is never going to find another woman attractive. However, from what you decribed, he completly ruined your self-esteem by constantly comparing you to these porn stars, but you need to be strong enough to walk away. You are better than this!
On your way out the door, wish him luck in his search for the perfect long legged, asian woman with big nipples who will devote her life to pleasing his every need....

 
Old 10-27-2005, 11:07 AM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

I would ask you to ask yourself the same questions that someone dating an alcoholic would ask.
What are the chances that the addiction will take over again?
What are the odds that a man can forever control on his own a porn addiction?
What would you do if you got married and this started all over again?

Two years is not so long compared to the rest of your life. I also think that his behavior went beyond porn addiction to emotional abuse.
Ask yourself the Ann Landers question:
Would I be better off with him, or without him?

 
Old 10-27-2005, 01:04 PM   #6
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 51
Fheaven HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

stacykgb20: There's something I believe you misunderstood, he gave it up, and he's trying his best to make everything better. And things are getting better, other than the violent flashbacks. The thing you said about him being this way because he's scared I'll realize how much better I can do and such reminds me of something he said, and it really makes me wonder. He's terrified of losing me, and he did say he's scared that if I realize how good I am, I'll leave him. The self mutilation and suicidal thoughts have stopped. And I'm being put on anti-depressants, and I will be seeing a counselluer. One thing, I can't walk out on him. I love him too much and I have put too much into this relationship to end it so easily. If he does this to me again, I will leave, no matter how much it hurts me. I can't handle that pain again. Lots of tragic things have happened in my life. I was molested as a child, and I was picked on about my appearance through school. That's where my depression first started. When I found my boyfriend, he brought me out of it, then put me into it again. But he's helping to boost my self-esteem. He calls me the worlds greatest, and beautiful. I know he needs me, and I know he loves me with all his heart. He just had a problem, and we're fighting to keep it from happening again. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Destea: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, this is something I was born with and cannot help. He understands this and he is helping me through it. He wants me to see a psycharatrist, as well. He wants me to feel better about myself, too. He hates himself for putting me through what he did. And I genuinely believe he means that. I cut myself before I met him, also. So it was already a past habit. I am going to get some help. Thank you for your concern.

Murray67980: I realize it's not the end of the world, but it still hurt and made me feel worthless. And if something you did that wasn't a NEED, hurt the person you love, you'd try your best to stop, wouldn't you? I didn't say he'd never find another woman attractive, I just don't want him to point it out to me, constantly, and make me feel like he wants to have sex with her, or rather be with her than me. I know what celebrities he thinks are attractive, and I don't really have a problem with that, since there are certain celebrities that I like, as well. But when you need to masturbate to porn, ignore your girlfriend, and not want to even try to make things better, I think there's a problem.

Ruth6:11: I'm not sure what the chances are, but I pray it doesn't happen again. I'm not sure about that either, but he says now that he thinks it was stupid, and that he was stupid to do it. And the only reason he really started in the first place was because he felt lonely.
We're going to wait awhile before we get married, and if he does do it again while marriage, I will file for a divorce, as much as I don't believe in it. I can't live with that again. Yes, I think it was emotional abuse too, there was a time that I didn't mind it as much, but then this way of thinking made me feel self-conscious, and then things just gradually got worse.

I thank everyone for all their help and advice. I will be seeing a professional to help me get back on the right track, and my boyfriend is willing to help me, too. Everything will get better one day, I'm already on the way to recovery, but it's just going to take some time. Thank you, everyone.

 
Old 10-27-2005, 03:41 PM   #7
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 306
stacykgb20 HB User
Re: How can I get over this?

Hi there, I am very happy and relieved to hear that you are getting treatment to help you find healthy ways to cope with the painful issues we all struggle through and which I am really sorry to hear that you've faced more than your share of so far in life. To be honest, I am not all that surprised to hear that you experienced sexual abuse in the past and were struggling with cutting and self esteem problems before you met your boyfriend...my heart goes out to you, as I can't imagine how difficult and hard it must be to cope with such traumatic memories. For what it's worth, I think you're very brave and admirable for coping as well as you have and especially for having the courage to seek professional help for issues that are too tough for anyone to tackle on their own. It does sound like your boyfriend is making a sincere and successful effort to change the behaviors that hurt you so much, and it also sounds like you have reasonable expectations and goals for the future if he's not able to sustain his new behavior and refrain from causing you pain and anxiety. I hope that is not the case and that he is able to remain a positive influence and source of support for you--how are things going other than the porn/other women issues in your relationship? Have you two considered that your relationship might benefit from couples counseling? I don't know if either of you feel that there are still issues that you'd like to address and work on together, but if so, it could definitely be helpful. it sounds like you both struggled at one point with feelings of insecurity and fears of abandonment--are those still affecting you as individuals and as a couple? Anyway, I am glad that you opened up to us here and shared your experiences and hope you found it helpful to vent and that you'll continue to do so in the future if it helps you to talk about what you're going through and feeling. I'm very sorry that you have had to deal with so many difficult and painful obstacles, but it seems like you have a pretty good perspective on your life, and I really hope that things continue to go well for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing and good luck with everything!

 
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