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Old 11-06-2005, 04:21 AM   #1
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stay2gether HB User
he doesnt have time for me anymore

hi all,

iv been seeing my boyf for a year and while he wanted to see me all the time at the start now it seems he doesnt have time for me.......its either work or going out with his mates, and when he does go out he doesnt want me there as he doesnt want his girlfriend tagging alng....i should go out with my mates while he goes out with his. the only time he wants to see me is when he wants sex.....things didnt used to be like this....i really love him but i dont know what to do now becuase i hate feeling like i come third in his life after his job and his mates, i have tryed talking to him about this but he just says im not third im first so what do you think i shud do?

 
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Old 11-06-2005, 04:32 AM   #2
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stacykgb20 HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

He's making it extremely clear that your relationship is no longer a priority...unfortunately you can't make him feel differently no matter how much you care about him or want this to work out. I think the best thing to do, and really the only choice if you want to spare yourself further frustration and disappointment, is to break things off now. I'm sorry to say, but he's pulling away, which means that his breaking up with you is only a matter of time...I'd strongly caution you against hanging around waiting for the end and allowing him to treat you with increasing disrespect and disregard. You deserve more, and the only way to get it is to stand up for yourself and demand more by moving on and finding someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Good luck and take care...

 
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Old 11-06-2005, 04:56 AM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

As hard as it is to say and as hard as I'm sure it is to hear, I have to agree. He's pulling away, and he's probably actually hoping you'll break up with him so he won't have to do the dirty work. I agree that if you are no longer getting what you need and want from this relationship, you should walk away now before it starts taking a toll on your self image.

I was in love with a guy who I thought loved me and he pulled the same thing, slowly pulling away, not wanting to spend as much time with me, hanging out with the boys, etc. I tried to talk it out, I cried in frustration, wondering what was wrong and trying to fix it. But I learned the hard way that when it gets to this point, and he's made up his mind that this relationship is no longer what he really wants, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. You will only embarrass yourself if you try. The best way to look out for yourself, to protect yourself, is to walk away now, with your head held high, knowing you deserve better. Good luck to you.

 
Old 11-06-2005, 05:52 AM   #4
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

There's another way to look at this you know...
Even a generation or two ago, you two would have been married by now. In the States everyone seems to wait for years now (school, money, house, "being ready").
By the time the year and a half would go by you would have been married, baby on the way, things becoming "normal" in a marriage - not all you/me all the time.

I'm not saying that you two should have gotten married exactly, just that relationships don't stay on that you/me level forever. I married a man who called me every night and talked to me for hours. Now we work different shifts due to a business thing and I rarely see him at all.
He may still be my best friend but we are no longer "tied at the hip".

Here's the difference:
You say that you think he only wants to see you when he wants to have sex.
Ever think about backing off on the having sex part of things?? At least turning down the "I'm coming over to your place" stuff if there's no plan to go somewhere or do something?
It's no fun being used, or thinking you're being used.
I'm not so sure that a lifetime of this particular guy will be the perfect fit for you - but remember, you're NOT married and you are NOT stuck where you're at.

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 11-06-2005 at 05:53 AM.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 02:34 PM   #5
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stay2gether HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

well im confused b/coz we argued about it....and he had every chance to end it i even asked him if he thought it would be for the best and he said no and that he loves me.......but i really do feel like hes just totally lost interest!!
he doesnt ring me much anymore and i just feel like the relationships went down hill....

my friend says it could just be a phase or that he might just be too comfortable where he feels he doesnt have to make an effort anymore

what you think i shud do? i dont wana loose him but feel like if i keep making all the effort i will end up just pushing him away....

 
Old 11-10-2005, 02:37 PM   #6
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babe1973 HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Here is the answer. A man who says he doesn't have time, is a man who is not interested in you. A he is not worth your love. YOU DESERVE BETTER GIRL.
Good luck.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 03:05 PM   #7
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Hiya HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by stay2gether
well im confused b/coz we argued about it....and he had every chance to end it i even asked him if he thought it would be for the best and he said no and that he loves me.......but i really do feel like hes just totally lost interest!!
he doesnt ring me much anymore and i just feel like the relationships went down hill....

my friend says it could just be a phase or that he might just be too comfortable where he feels he doesnt have to make an effort anymore

what you think i shud do? i dont wana loose him but feel like if i keep making all the effort i will end up just pushing him away....
I think most people here are going to hesitate to tell you whether to dump him or not, that's a fairly big decision that should be up to you alone. But there are some things to consider. you're not happy the way things are. You're not getting what you need out of this relationship anymore. He seems unwilling to change or compromise, or even talk about what the problems might be. It could be a phase, it could be he's just pulling out of the relationship slowly and hasn't faced it or doesn't have the courage to tell you yet. Time will tell how it will end, but your choices will determine how hurt you get and how much time you waste.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 06:17 PM   #8
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Well keep him out of your bed until things are figured out, because sex only clouds the issue.

Also if it were me, I would tell him that you both need to come to some sort of agreement here. Either he needs to spend time with you and give you respect or he needs to let you go. Because this BS of just leaving you hanging for whenever he feels the "need" is disrespectful.

Where it is ok for him to spend some time with his friends and you to spend time with yours, he ALWAYS needs to make an effort for the one he loves. If he won't do this for you, then you need to rethink your relationship.

I tend to agree with Ruth also about the progression of the relationship.

 
Old 11-12-2005, 05:43 AM   #9
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Ibee, you must be old like me!

Stay, you say that you're confused because he has a chance to "end it" and doesn't.
Did you ever think that in every other way other than sex he already is pretty much gone? And what guy is going to purposely walk away from a setup where he can call and get sex pretty much when he want?

It is your wonderful sense of respect that you are sensing! It's telling you that something isn't right. That this isn't the relationship you want or need.
Ending things is hard - I did it many many times since I got married later in life.
BUT - looking back, if I had clung to the relationships I had that were like your's my life would NOT have been the PrettyDarnGoodThing it is today!

The choice is your. But oddly enough you have to take the love you feel for him out of the decision on whether you stay or go...

 
Old 11-12-2005, 09:53 AM   #10
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Yep Ruth I am "old", I am 38.LOL

 
Old 11-12-2005, 11:23 AM   #11
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Re: he doesnt have time for me anymore

Hi stay2gether

I think I can somewhat relate to your situation. My bf and I have been seeing each other much less than we did when we first started dating because of our busy schedule. We now see each other once a week. What keeps us going is that we both make an effort to call each other and message each other over the internet everyday. Even though when we don't see each other, we tell each other what we did and what we talked about with other people. Sometimes, people are genuinely busy with whatever reasons in their lives. As long as there is enough trust and communication in the relationship, it shouldn't be that bad right?

 
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