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Old 11-12-2005, 07:55 AM   #1
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Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Another question /comment since there are loads items thru'out this board!!

You are not happy because your partner doesn't make the same effort as you do in keeping attractive and active. Is it wrong to think that??

This bit is about the comments re a spouse being stricken permanently ill or injured in an accident etc. Of course only criminal minds would look otherwise at these circumstances!!! Something as dreadful as this with someone you love is highly unlikely to cause a split. At worst the two would 'work out' a different lifestyle. I think the point the 'restless middle agers' are making is that while circumstances for the spouse are a 'near perfect' life - they are still not making the effort to TRY and keep slim and healthy and alive. This is therefore an attitude revelation problem - something which is not applicable in the case of unforeseen injury etc.

Whaddya think??
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Old 11-12-2005, 08:18 AM   #2
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileman
This bit is about the comments re a spouse being stricken permanently ill or injured in an accident etc. Of course only criminal minds would look otherwise at these circumstances!!! Something as dreadful as this with someone you love is highly unlikely to cause a split. At worst the two would 'work out' a different lifestyle.
Whaddya think??
Sorry to burst your bubble on this one. But I had a friend, years ago. She and her ex husband seemed very close. Seeing his love for her, I asked her what went wrong. She told me that after she had a car accident, leaving her permantly disabled, he came to her in intensive care and asked for a divorce. He said he loved her, but couldn't live with half a woman. Illness destroys marriages on both sides, again and again. But is that suprising, when even 30 extra pounds causes some to want to bail?

Last edited by evy38; 11-12-2005 at 08:19 AM.

 
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Old 01-21-2006, 03:22 AM   #3
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Thanks Evy. What you have said shows just how disgusting and selfish some people can be. What i was trying to say is that -is there a difference between injury and accident / life deforming situations, and those where lack of interest allows things to deteriorate?
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Old 01-21-2006, 08:16 PM   #4
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

I think if you really love somebody, like love them for who they are, then no matter how they change physically, whether it be because of accident or putting on a lot of weight, then your feelings shouldn't ever change.

Quote:
She told me that after she had a car accident, leaving her permantly disabled, he came to her in intensive care and asked for a divorce. He said he loved her, but couldn't live with half a woman.
I wonder how he could live with HIMSELF for doing that? That is one of the most hideous things I have ever heard.

I fear my boyfriend becoming disabled, because then how could I leave him? Not that I would want to leave him because he was disabled; I want to leave him NOW and if I was unable to figure out a way to do so before he became paralyzed or what have you, then I would end up being stuck or else looking like a real douche.

There is one man from my past that I still think about every day, the one person that I think I honestly loved...I mean, I have not seen him in years but I think that if anything unfortunate like that were to happen to him and I met up with him again I would more than HAPPILY take care of him because of how I feel about him.

A partner who gives up on their physical appearance...well, what are you gonna do? My boyfriend met me during my party girl/skimpy outfit phase, and now, much to his chagrin, I have switched over to an angry feminist/sweatsuit wearing phase. Well, thems are them breaks. If you expect a person to look the same forever, then you are kidding yourself. If you find yourself unattracted to your partner, why, that is why fantasies and porn were invented.

Last edited by GypsyArcher; 01-21-2006 at 08:19 PM.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:56 PM   #5
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
I fear my boyfriend becoming disabled, because then how could I leave him? Not that I would want to leave him because he was disabled; I want to leave him NOW and if I was unable to figure out a way to do so before he became paralyzed or what have you, then I would end up being stuck or else looking like a real douche.

There is one man from my past that I still think about every day, the one person that I think I honestly loved...I mean, I have not seen him in years but I think that if anything unfortunate like that were to happen to him and I met up with him again I would more than HAPPILY take care of him because of how I feel about him.
.
Yes, I think you've captured it quite well. If you REALLY love someone, it never goes away. It just doesn't.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 02:59 PM   #6
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

I am going to agree with most, if you love someone a couple of extra pounds is no reason to leave, neither is an injury or illness. They are still the same person inside..the same person you fell in love with and married. If your spouse leaves you for those kinds of superficial reasons then I say good riddance! They did not truly love you in the first place, and although it may hurt you are better off without them.

What kind of thing is that to imply, "I only love you as long as you are beautiful, slim, and healthy. If anything should happen to your looks or health during the marriage I am going to drop you like a hot potato"? Where did it say that in your wedding vows? All I can say is then maybe you shouldnt get married because you are bound to be disappointed with the realtionship. Anyone with that attitude will definately end up unhappy. It is unrealistic to think or expect that your spouse is always going to be "perfect", and you are disillusioned if you think that.

I was kind of getting the impression that some one has some real issues with good looks and a slim body. Not every one is good looking or thin. That excludes about 70% of the population. Not a very big gene pool to choose from. And you are eliminating a lot of truly wonderful and lovable people for something superficial reasons. Sounds like maybe some one is going through midlife crisis and is looking for excuses to get a divorce or have an affair because their partner is not that "hot" anymore, or as active as they would like them to be?

Last edited by pizzalady; 01-22-2006 at 03:00 PM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 03:46 PM   #7
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

I see a willful act as nothing like an unfortunate circumstance thrusted on you with no choice.

I think the original poster was not asking about a "few" pounds. If you marry a person and part of the thing that inspires your love for them is their self discipline and respect for their health and body. If this is the "person" you fell for and married, and 10 years later this person lets themself go by 40 lbs, it is reasonable to say that a part of who they are, their core personality that you fell in love with, has been abandoned by the that person.

Everyone shows themselves and their core personality in different ways. It just might be that part of a person that enables them to stay on a disciplined track of health and exercise that lit your fire. Not that the end result of that was a sculpted body or great looks, but that the attitude as it shown in their healthful lifestyle was a significant part of who you married.

If this significant aspect of a personís personality and behavior is abandoned and as a result 40 lbs have been added, I think it reasonable to imagine the partner becoming disillusioned over the changes in personality that resulted in significant weight gain.

It is just not reasonable to think husbands or wives will not become less attracted to a 40 lb wait gain that is solely the result of a choice of overeating and reduced exercise. It is not just the weight, it is the potential change in personality and common interests that go along with it that may cause a riff between the two.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 03:53 PM   #8
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Yes, I think you've captured it quite well. If you REALLY love someone, it never goes away. It just doesn't.
Some might say that if you truly loved someone you wouldn't leave them if they gain significant weight.

Some might say if you truly loved someone, you would not make yourself less physically attractive to your partner by willfully gaining weight through overeating and reduced exercise.

People do leave partners all the time while genuinely loving them but not able to live with who or what their beloved has chosen to become (drug user, mental abuser, compusive liar, radically politally motivated, prejudiced, etc.) When people make radical changes to themselves that were not a part of who they were when you fell inlove with them, it causes a mistrust.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-22-2006 at 03:56 PM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 05:50 PM   #9
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Who would willingly makes themselves less attractive? That seems like a really odd thing to say. But if true, fine! Just leave her instead of talking to her and trying to find out the underlying cause of their lack of motivation and weight gain. Why should you even bother or give her a chance? She is obviously not who you thought she was because she gained 40 pounds for no reason and is therefore disposable. She's just lazy and dragging you down! It's better to be rid of her than to work it out, or to find out what's really going on with her, right?

Why not look into the possible natural REASONS for the weight gain? Not all weight gain is due to overeating or lack of desire to take care of ones health. For example:

1) Your spouse who was pretty active when you married 25 years ago started feeling the effects of age and lets say arthritis set in and they were no longer able to be as active and therefore had gained some weight as a result. Their core values did not change, their bodies did do to natural changes associated with aging. Maybe age just hasnt caught up to you just yet or as much so should you leave your spouse because they can no longer climb Mt. Everrest but you feel you still can, or they are no longer a size 8, but you are only 1-2 sizes bigger than when you got married? Again, these are superficial reasons for leaving your spouse of 25 years. Didnt all those years mean anything? Apparently not.

2) As women age and go through menopause they may become very moody, easily irritated, gain weight, and become less interested in sex. Again, this has absolutely nothing to do with their core values or overeating. This is simply the natural aging process for women, ALL women. Her body is going through a stage of life. These hormonal changes are not just metaphysical, they are emotional and psychological as well. Should you leave your spouse because she is going through one of the most difficult transitions in life? Instead of being understanding and supportive, you feel the need to bail!

3) Is she stressed out about something? Is she having a hard time at work, maybe a deadline she is stressing about, or a missed promotion, or any other work-related stress? Maybe she faces the loss of her job. Maybe she is stressed out about the children. Are they entering college, learning to drive, getting married, or having a baby? These are stressful times for women and many men. Maybe she is stressed out about the marraige? Has she mentioned feeling stressed out or have you asked her? Stress does not change your core values but it can cause signifigant weight gain over time and other health conditions, such as heart disease. She may need medical help. Why not suggest she go see her doctor before leaving her?

4) Trauma & Depression! When we experience trauma we tend to feel like we are under a lot of stress, and may become depressed. Many depressed people gain weight because they feel overwhelmed and lethargic. And yes, many depressed people over eat and lack the desire to exercise. But depression is a medical condition and can be treated. Has she experienced a loss of a loved one, or her parents suddenly divorced, or she found out a loved one is terminally ill, or some one she knows in going through a rough time in their lives, or she has suffered through infidelity, sexual or physical abuse at one time? Has she been the victim of a crime or witnessed a crime? Your leaving may only add to the trauma and depression, but so what!

5) And if you are a man ages 35-55, you are going through a life altering transition as well. Suddenly your wife is less atrractive, and your car is less attractive and you find yourself wanting to trade them in for a yonger model. The children are grown but you need some one to play with...you need to go out an act 20 years younger! You just cant help yourself! Suddenly you wonder "what have I done with my life, is this all there is?". Yep, you guessed it, you're going through midlife crisis!

There could be a million reasons why some one has gained weight other than abandoning who they are. Even prescription meds can make you gain weight, like steriod treatments. Why not just talk to her and try to figure out why? Maybe she doesnt even know you have a problem with her weight gain. Have you told her you have a problem? If so, have you offered to help her?

However I do agree that if your spouse has become a drug addict, alcoholic, abuser, cheater, or liar that is a whole other story and you have every right to want to leave. But to leave just because some one gained weight, maybe even through no fault of their own, you really need to talk to them and see if things can be resolved. Seems like a pretty pathetic excuse to end a marriage to me. The moral decline we are experiencing as a society, the way we view women as objects, and the sheer selfishness of many people now days, why should we expect anyone to try to make their marriage work? It's just so sad.

Last edited by pizzalady; 01-22-2006 at 06:08 PM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 07:25 PM   #10
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
If you marry a person and part of the thing that inspires your love for them is their self discipline and respect for their health and body. If this is the "person" you fell for and married, and 10 years later this person lets themself go by 40 lbs, it is reasonable to say that a part of who they are, their core personality that you fell in love with, has been abandoned by the that person.
I know what you mean, but what is 40lbs? During the two year course of my relationship with my boyfriend, I gained almost 50lbs. I think I still look exactly the same, even if my old clothes don't fit. It has had zero effect on my boyfriend. I fought a rough battle with bulimia for years, so those 50lbs were a kick-butt victory for me, and not obsessing about my weight at all anymore rules. If my boyfriend did have a problem with my 50 new lbs, that would have been HIS problem and I would have gladly moved on. I don't find thin woman attractive anyway, they look boring or like boys. Curvy is what I like, for women anyway, so I fashion myself after my idea of a beautiful women. I do like lean men, though, lean with muscles. Not a double standard, just my personal view of how men and women should look.

But it's often true that is a partner puts on a signifigant amount of weight then something deeper must be going on, which the couple should try to look at together.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 10:28 PM   #11
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
Originally Posted by pizzalady
Who would willingly makes themselves less attractive? That seems like a really odd thing to say. But if true, fine! Just leave her instead of talking to her and trying to find out the underlying cause of their lack of motivation and weight gain. Why should you even bother or give her a chance? She is obviously not who you thought she was because she gained 40 pounds for no reason and is therefore disposable. She's just lazy and dragging you down! It's better to be rid of her than to work it out, or to find out what's really going on with her, right?...However I do agree that if your spouse has become a drug addict, alcoholic, abuser, cheater, or liar that is a whole other story and you have every right to want to leave. But to leave just because some one gained weight, maybe even through no fault of their own, you really need to talk to them and see if things can be resolved. Seems like a pretty pathetic excuse to end a marriage to me. The moral decline we are experiencing as a society, the way we view women as objects, and the sheer selfishness of many people now days, why should we expect anyone to try to make their marriage work? It's just so sad.
I agree with Music4All on this, especially her first post, which I think makes a lot of good points many posters seem to be overlooking. There is definitely a difference between something that is completely outside our partner's control, such as if they gain weight due to a medication they need to take or because they are immobilized by an injury, and when people gain weight because they don't exercise and eat excessively and/or unhealthily. The latter reflects a lifestyle choice while the former scenario doesn't reveal anything about the decisions of the person who has gained weight.

I just don't think it's fair to say that if you really love someone, nothing should change the way you feel about them, when in reality, the vast majority of people out there find someone less attractive when they are overweight than when that person is in good shape and fit. It doesn't reflect the degree of love you feel for someone just because you find them less physically appealing when they put on a significant amount of weight, and I don't think we should consider feeling this way, which is almost inevitable, to reflect a lack of love, commitment, or devotion to one's partner. I also donít think itís fair, nor do I agree with the idea, that if you REALLY love someone, you will love them forever, no matter what. Just because a love doesnít last forever or changes over time doesnít mean it wasnít just as true, strong, and real than a love that persists for a longer time periodÖI donít believe that a love that ends or lessens over time wasnít real while it existed, nor do I think that real love involves loving someone unconditionally forever, no matter what they do, nor do I think that love can always be directly equated with physical attraction.

With all due respect, Pizzalady, while I agree with many of the views you express, I don't believe that our society is experiencing a moral decline at all, nor do I believe that finding our partners less attractive when they are overweight than when they are physically fit has anything to do with people viewing women as sexual objects. Maybe I'm missing the connection there, but I see it as a sign of progress that women are able to support themselves independently these days and are therefore less likely to stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage than they were in past eras. People seem to view the lower divorce rate of the past as a sign that people were more moral and more committed to making marriages work out, and often believe that this devotion to marriage is a sign of morality, and this completely baffles me. There is nothing whatsoever moral--in fact, it is profoundly immoral--about a system in which women are compelled to stay in marriages when they'd rather leave out of financial necessity or out of fear of social condemnation. And I don't believe there is anything admirable about staying married when it just isn't working--yes, marriage is a commitment that should be taken seriously and it's worth making an effort to resolve problems that threaten a marriage's survival, but staying married because it's a lofty institution just strikes me as silly. Life is too short to remain in an unhappy situation...it seems like the vast majority of the time when people mention the morality of something, it involves condemning those who think and act differently or trying to compel others to live as one person believes is best. There is rarely any logic, open-mindedness, nor compassion involved when the concept of "morals" is invoked.

But I think that the way someone chooses to live their life, as far as whether or not they are active and healthy, does reflect their personal morality, at least it does in my opinion, and thus it doesn't seem unfair or invalid to feel differently about someone when their approach to their lifestyle changes. This, I think, is the issue that the original poster was trying to get people to address, and a lot of the posts that said it was totally wrong and callous to give up on a marriage because a spouse's weight changed missed the point in my view because they failed to distinguish between a weight gain that is involuntary and one that is a result of lifestyle choices. Itís not exactly as if someone who doesnít keep in shape by exercising and eating moderate amounts of healthy food CHOOSES to be less attractive when they gain weight, but this change is voluntary in the sense that it is preventable and in that they have the ability to avoid or reverse it by making different choices.

Pizzalady seems to be assuming that the original poster is a man whose wife has gained weight and that he is considering leaving her as a result of this change, but I donít see anywhere in which the poster states any of this, so are we sure that itís accurate to make such assumptions? I apologize if this is a sore spot for her or anyone else, which seems to be the case based on some responses, but I donít think itís really fair to criticize someone for something unless we are sure they are actually doing thatÖthen again, if Iím missing something here or on another thread and what has been described is indeed accurate, I apologize for my mistake. Also, weight gain strikes me as more or at least equally likely to involve voluntary choices than some of the things (alcoholism, drug addiction) that Pizzalady states are completely acceptable reasons to leave a marriage, and since addiction also is less likely to change the degree of attraction one feels for his or her partner, Iím not sure why weight gain is considered such a terrible reason to leave?

In any event, clearly this is a complex issue that arouses a variety of opinions, and I think that overall, the reasons behind a significant weight gain color the reaction of a partner to that change. But in general, if the gain is because of a lifestyle change like the original poster seemed to be asking about, I donít see why itís a terrible thing to find someone less attractive and if the change persists over time, despite efforts to address the issue and work together on reversing it, I donít think one should be condemned for leaving a relationship over this. People fall out of love and experience diminished attraction for tons of different reasons over the course of a relationship and especially over a lifetime, and usually it involves more than one issue and has been developing over time. I doubt that many people who were perfectly happy all of a sudden abandon their spouses just because they have gained some weight, but then again, people often seem to do this for no reason at all, so maybe Iím way off here? I guess none of us really know for sure about what happens among relationships among the entire populationÖ

 
Old 01-23-2006, 04:09 AM   #12
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Quote:
Originally Posted by pizzalady
Who would willingly makes themselves less attractive? That seems like a really odd thing to say. But if true, fine!
The single largest contributor the the rapidly increasing problem of obesity, at least in the US, is overeating and reduced activity. Who would willingly do this? Millions of people willingly do this each year. It is becoming the national pastime. It is not odd, it has become the norm.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 01:50 PM   #13
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Yes, some people do slow down and eat more and as a result gain weight. But there is usually an underlying reason/cause as to why. I was trying to point out that it is not always a lifestyle choice. When some "chooses" to live this way there (more often than not) has to be more to it and I thought the poster should try to find out what is making their spouse gain weight other than just leaving them. It just seemed the poster was only looking at the gained weight as being unattractive, and thefore just cause to end the marriage. What if the spouse was able to lose the weight? Would the poster then stay, or was that an excuse to leave the marriage? I am curious because I dont understand the original post then. My mistake...sorry. I think you have to look at why the weight was gained and help them to slim down, not leave the marriage if that is the real problem. Maybe I am missing something, if so, again, I apologize.

My H's weight has fluctuated and so has mine to do pregnancy and injuries, but I have not for one second loved him less or found him less attractive. I guess that is because I did not marry him based on how much he weighed or how good looking he was. I married him because I loved him unconditionally. If you set conditions on your love then I guess that is fine for you and you have to do what you feel is right. But I really feel that there must be a reason for his/her weight gain, not just that they are lazy...something more is going on. I would hate to see some one leave a marriage and not really try to make it better first, by addressing the issues with their spouse and seeing if things can be worked out...whether it'losing the weight or going to marriage counseling. It just seems like too many people simply give up without working on things because working on things takes effort and time. It's seems more people think it's easier to just dump their spouse and move on, which I find sad, that's all.

I assumed the author was male because it say "guys who become disillusioned with their partners". And men are more likely to be disillusioned if a woman gains weight. And the post was not very specific as to what the cause of the weight gain was or that they had tried to resolve the matter with their spouse or not. Maybe I missed something, like I said. If so, I humbly apologize.

Last edited by pizzalady; 01-23-2006 at 02:03 PM.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 05:37 PM   #14
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Isn't it almost kind of normal for people in long term relationships to gain weight? I mean, you no longer have to worry about hooking a BF/GF, and you have found someone you can be comfortable around, so a lot of people just let themselves go a little bit, enjoying food. It seems the whole idea of being physically attractive in the first place is to attract a partner, so once that is accomplished, what other point is there? But I think with some people this causes a very big depression. Maybe on the surface you might feel as though things are fine with the relationship, but subconsciously you may be thinking about how you're now tied to one person, you can't go out and flirt anymore, your life is pretty much over, etc. So you just eat and eat. Usually people overeat to cover up their feelings, and because they are depressed about their life, as pizzalady was saying.

Oh, and I just thought of something. Being in love and eating fatty, high-sugar foods have a similiar feel-good effect on our brain. When someone is out searching for a love interest, and in the early stages of the relationship, you're usually on so much of a love-high that you need nothing else to satisfy you. But once the relationship wears on a bit, and the initial euphoria wears off, then sometimes people will turn to eating to bring back the feel-good sensations. We're always after some kind of high.

Last edited by GypsyArcher; 01-23-2006 at 05:42 PM.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 05:53 PM   #15
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Re: Guys who become disillusioned with partner??

Gypsy archer,

I feel this happened to me. The 3.25 years I was with my bf I gained about 30 lbs! I think I just got too comfortable around him and he took me out to eat all the time. I figured that he should love me no matter if I was 30lbs heavier or not, it's not like the personality was gone, but then again i think it made memore self conscious and maybe even sorry for myself. If this was one of the reasons we broke up, then I think that's pretty $hitty and shallow, esp. since he told me that he didn't think I was "fat," although one time he said i should lose a few pounds because he felt like he could be more affectionate if I did (what is that supposed to mean?),b/c I know he gained weight too, but I liked it on him (I like guys to have a little tummy)!

 
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