I need to get something off my chest that is totally confusing and irritating to me. First off I will provide you with a little background information. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and our relationship is great, we are completely compatible and we hardly ever fight.
He has been out of work, he had back surgery to correct an injury a few months back. It has become normal for him to stay up until 7 AM (when i am getting up for work) "browsing" on his computer and playing video games and then he will sleep until 3 and even 4 PM daily. This didn't bother me until recently my friend posted a personal ad on a website and according to her it was very SUGGESTIVE and surprise surprise my boyfriend sent her a few emails late night requesting to chat and talking about how 'bored' he was. I interpreted this as a red alert. I don't mind if he has female friends he talks to regularly, i don't mind that he talks to his ex girlfriend he was planning on getting back together with when we first started dating, but i do mind that my boyfriend finds the need to answer PERSONAL ADS late at night. I read some of these ads.. they are very dirty, and if not dirty the girl is looking for a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Did I mention that two days before my friend said something to me i requested to use his computer to check my checking account balance and he said okay, when i go to the computer in the other room he must have forgotten that he left EXTREMELY DIRTY pictures and videos of one particular girl which were clearly taken with a webcam opened up to full size behind his screen saver. I exed this out and tried to forget about them.
I confronted him and his response was that yea he answered a few internet personal ad's so what, he was bored and looking for someone interesting to talk to who was a night owl like him. I said and the being bored part means what bored with me? He said no way you are everything to me and i could NEVER be bored with you. I do not know what to do. I love this man. I want to believe him but i find this hard to forgive, he cannot fathom what would tick me off about this situation which worries me even more. I can't stop crying about this or thinking about those pictures.. or just dwelling on this situation. I feel like i am not good enough for this man, is that what he wants? That girl in the pictures sticking bananas in places i won't mention? I want to trust my boyfriend.. but is he being loyal, is this what commitment is? This from the guy who gets a little irritated when i wear a low-cut shirt to work, this from guy who gets mad when a MALE friend calls or text messages me and i am supposed to be okay with this? Sorry this is so long.. i certainly know how to type a novel. Thank you for reading this far, and for any advice you have to offer it is very appreciated.
You feel you're not good enough for him??????
Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?
You're WAY too good for this guy......he's the one that's not good enough for you!
You don't need this BS, there is no excuse for what he's doing.
I'd dump his sorry azzz pronto!
Your boyfriend is not only reading personal ads, but REPLYING to them. I don't think you need someone else telling you that this is NOT a good sign. OF COURSE he is going to tell you that he could never be bored with you, what else do you expect him to say? I'd say he's given you your answer...run while you can!
Why is he staying up till 7am anyways? Has he always done this? Or can he not sleep because of the pain?
This is a serious red flag... as the others have said. Guys don't go looking into dirty personal ads on the internet to find a "buddy to chat with". If he was really just bored and wanted a friend to talk to, he could find a chatroom with guys and talk about sports or whatever else he's interested in. Being bored isn't an excuse to answer women's personal ads.
Smartpants pretty much summed it up, of COURSE he's going to say he's not bored with you because he's afraid to lose you. He obviously didn't think he would get caught; the only reason you found out is because he answered a personal ad that your friend put up. What are the chances of that? It seems to me like fate telling you to get out while the damage is minimal, and before he does something that will seriously hurt you!
I greatly appreciate all of the responses. Running away does certainly seem like the best answer even though it would be the most difficult. This is a man who has on many occasions discussed marrying me, growing old with me!? I see a giant red flag which is why i posted to see if anyone could justify his actions and it appears that nobody can do that for me. I discussed this with him last night because i was so angry and sick of him telling me i had nothing to worry about when clearly my mind and heart were telling me something different. Long story short he showed me the ads, showed me the ones he was replying to (even my friends) and it didn't appear to be so bad (of course i know he could have deleted the BAD ones out of his email account). My friend certainly blew the situation out of proportion because her post said exactly this "Bored 22 yr old female looking for male to chat, discuss photography, sports, or even the existence of aliens, just looking for an intelligent conversation". The three he replied to a week ago at 3 AM followed the same guidelines, they were even posted in a personal ad section referred to as "strictly platonic". I did ask him, well if it is strictly platonic why aren't you replying to males posts? His pathetic response was that there are no males looking to chat with males on the website. However despite his attempts to prove to me what he was doing was harmless i couldn't allow myself to forgive him then and there. I couldn't allow myself to give in to his tears I left and told him i needed time to myself to think things over. One main thing I cannot get off my mind is what if i did marry him and we made a life together and then 10 years into things i catch him answering personal ads and saving pictures to a computer my children use? I know one thing I am a good girlfriend, a good person in general. I am loyal to him, commited, loving, caring, and i would bend over backwards to help anyone who needed it! I see this as him being unloyal and as of right now i do not see myself forgiving him, i see this kind of as a betrayal. Perhaps someday i can forgive him but not today! Thanks again!
The simple way you guide your decision, however difficult it may be, is to ask yourself if these are the qualities you look for in a lifetime partner. Most actions are as they appear to be without need for explanation or follow up rationalizations/excuses.
I donít' think your bf has crossed the lines of "cheating". And to me it sounds like he was probably bored and maybe a little horny and wanted to talk to someone interesting and perhaps it could turn into cyber sex. That's what it sounds like to me. It doesn't sound like someone looking to cheat or meet someone in person. Now, I donít' think it's right to be talking to other woman on the internet when you are in a relationship. And if this isn't a rule set by you two previously, I'd make it one and see if he follows it. If he doesn't stop, then there's a serious issue and problem. I donít' think it's something you can't forgive him for. I'm not ruling out that this is the type of guy that would cheat on you, but you have to at least give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
It sounds like you made your decision for now, and good for you. My ex did the same thing and, just like your bf, said it was because he was "bored". He showed me a few messages after the first one I found and they were kind of bad, but nothing entirely incriminating. He cried, said he wanted to spend his life with me, and that he'd stop and that he was actually relieved I'd found out so that he'd stop. A couple months later, I found out he was doing it agai and having phone sex with some of these people while he was "working" late.
Telling a little bit of the truth was his way of trying to cover up everything that was going on. Remember, you found plenty of other signs that this is not as innocent as he says it was, like the webcam photos, and *please* trust your instincts.
[QUOTE=Silver Lining]I donít' think your bf has crossed the lines of "cheating".
I agree, but i do feel betrayed.
"I'd make it one and see if he follows it. If he doesn't stop, then there's a serious issue and problem."
The thing is i feel that he will not follow a rule that he cannot talk to women on the internet. Knowing how he thinks after two years (seeing him every single day besides a few exceptions), he would see that as me controlling his life. He cannot understand why this would upset me so much and i have explained and explained some more but it still does not get through to him. I myself do not spend any time on the internet chatting on IM with random people, specifically random men. I would feel wrong and yes, like i was betraying his loyalty and the commitment i have made to be with him. I will not lie to you, I am completely in love with this man. I do believe it is inevitable we will be together again I just cannot figure out how to fix this. How can I feel so upset by this, while he views it as innocent?
Ruby your response was wonderful, i appreciate it greatly. It makes me feel so much better to feel not so alone in my problems. I see that you forgave him and later regretted it, I hope I am luckier. I hope he can prove me and everyone else wrong
Ummm if he thinks that talking to anonymous woman on the internet is okay and should be healthy for a man in a committed relationship than he's got some issues. Now if it was in a gaming chat room or while playing a game, that's one thing but seeking out personal ads and talking late at night one on one, that's just not right. If he thinks youíre trying to control him by asking him to stop then I agree he's not the type of man cut out for a relationship and he's DEFINITELY NOT the kind of man you want to marry. Good luck with this...let us know what happens.
I'm glad my bad experience can be useful to someone else! By the time I found out with my boyfriend, we were having other problems too, and I gave him a second chance thinking that I'd figured out the problem and we could work on it together. By the second time, it was a hard decision, but I had plenty of reasons to go. It sounds like your situation's a little different, but still, you have every right to be uncomfortable with this and if he doesn't see anything wrong with it, that's a serious problem. Some guys will say they aren't cheating as long as they don't sleep with someone, and maybe they find women who agree with that, but you need to find someone who shares your definition of fidelity if your boyfriend really doesn't see it the same way.