Confused and hurt - Relationship Health Message Board

artful · 11-22-2005, 02:29 PM

I am 40, male and have been married 17 yrs. My life is good but my relationship with my wife is suffering. I know she loves me because I am a good man and father. My problem is that we are not intimate any more. We have sex maybe 2-3 times per month and that is only after I beg and beg and beg. I feel she only does that to shut me up so I will leave her alone. I know she is not cheating on me because I get the phone records, I know her work schedule and I know all her friends. I have also asked her if she was just to make sure. She says that she just doesn't have the drive since our daughter was born. We are both attractive people and in good shape so it is not like we let ourselves go. I have talked with her about this and how I feel but it just makes her angry. I have tried treating her like a princess, buy her flowers, write her cards and do nice things for her all the time.

I am just so miserable at this point but I don't want to leave her or have an affair. I don't know what to do. I used to be fun to be around and always in a good mood but I feel hurt and lacking all the time. When I see other women I start having lustful urges and I hate myself for feeling that way. I don't want to have an affair but I feel if the opportunity came up I may consider it. I don't like feeling this way...what can I do?

LittleRose1982 · 11-22-2005, 02:43 PM

Hey there!
Don't be too hard on yourself for having those urges. I think most guys in your situation would. The fact is, your wife is somewhat breaking a part of the marriage vows. She may not be in the mood as often as you'd like, but she can make more of an effort. If you've spoken to her about this and she still hasn't made an effort, then I think you're correct in saying the problem is only going to get worse.
It's going to sound a bit old fashioned, but I believe that man and woman, in a marriage, have to keep oneanother happy and satisfied. If you are putting forth all the effort to make her happy and she's not returning that effort, then you are going to harbor resentment towards her. This is how affairs are born.
Maybe she just doesn't realize how this is affecting you. It's not just about the man always wanting sex... it's a part of the marriage that she's taking away from you. Maybe she needs to look at it that way. I know it's bold, but could you tell her that you care very much for the marriage but you feel that without more effort on her part you may feel tempted to be unfaithful? That just may be what she needs to hear in order to really understand the problem. She has a duty to you as your wife, and she needs to keep that in mind.

Kentucky_Miss · 11-22-2005, 02:51 PM

Artful,

I do not think you are thinking clearly. Cheating is the coward's way out in my opinion. What you need to ask her is if she is a willing participant in the marriage. It could be a number of reasons from she is angry at you for something to she is just depressed and wants to be alone. A woman's place in a marriage isn't to bow to every sexual urge and desire the husband has, but to come to a resonable compromise on this issue. The communication is probably not the best, so have a good sit down talk and see where that goes, then take it from there.

greeneyes100 · 11-22-2005, 02:53 PM

HOw old is your wife? She might be low in some essential hormones, like progesterone or even testosterone. Or, she could have low thyroid. All of these things can cause lack of desire. Suggest to her that she a doctor about getting her testosterone levels checked and thyroid too. If a woman is low in either one of these, her drives will continue to take a downward spiral.

Also, is she taking any other medication like antidepressants? All of the SSRI's cause lack of sexual desire.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Hope this helps and good luck!

artful · 11-22-2005, 03:07 PM

My wife is 40 yo and is not taking any medications and I have asked her to get those hormone levels checked. I don't want to push her like I am a horn dog or anything but I miss that part of our relationship.