Advice needed on a marriage - Relationship Health Message Board

alldwsn · 11-23-2005, 06:02 PM

My husband of 10 years have been fighting for almost two weeks now. It started when I found out he joined several singles daring web sites I confronted him about it and he deleted them. He then found those same women again and started instant messaging them and the messages were full of sexual contact. I confronted him about that and told him I had a problem with him pretending to be single and the sexual contact. He became upset and now he is acting like I told him he could not send any instant messages. It was all innocent fun and I was taking it way out of proportion. He claims that he knows he is a happily married man but other people dont need to know all his business. He has part of me convinced that I am overracting but the other part is hurting. I suggested some counseling and he refused saying maybe I need counseling but he does not since he is perfectly happy in the relationship. I am at a loss as to what to do now! I feel like I cant work anymore, cant take care of the kids and spend way to much time crying.

LittleRose1982 · 11-23-2005, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alldwsn

I suggested some counseling and he refused saying maybe I need counseling but he does not since he is perfectly happy in the relationship.

This is one of the top indicators of a cheater. They turn it around and convince you that you are the one with problems.

I find it amazing that he was able to partly convince you that you're over-reacting! Believe me, you have every right to be extremely upset and hurt by this. You actually have every right to want out of the marriage! It blows my mind how men can think this sort of behavior is okay or normal!! The internet and cellular world have unfortunately made it easier for men to get away with things, but when they get caught they always have the excuse "I didn't ACTUALLY do anything wrong!"... because technically it's all on the internet and over the phone. This is a lame, cowardly cop out. The fact is, your husband (sorry to be blunt) is being a swine. He's acting like a child, and he's completely disregarding your feelings. He could care less what you think of his behavior, because to him YOU are the one who is abnormal or wrong. YOU are the one who is over-reacting. And as you admitted, he has already managed to insert some of this garbage into your head.
He's clearly trying to get away with something. He's clearly lying too. You need to show him that this is not something you will tolerate or subject yourself to! A husband should not treat his wife as though she doesn't matter. If one person in the marriage is hurting, and the other person does nothing to help (or makes it worse), then there is a serious problem. To me, the best solution is the threat of leaving him. I'd walk out on him! I'd pack up and go to stay with my parents indefinitely. If you have kids, bring them. Your husband needs to know that you mean business, you won't put up with him acting like a single 22 year old pervert, and he's going to lose you if he doesn't shape up and start acting like a loving husband!
The problem is so many people are too lenient on their partners who exhibit this nonsense behavior. And then it continues, they hurt more and more, lose more and more of their strength, and end up severely damaged and paranoid and STILL allowing the behavior to continue. Your best move is to nip this in the bud before it gets worse- because it will. I guarantee you it will. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and by not doing anything you are agreeing with that.

Ruth6:11 · 11-23-2005, 07:20 PM

I agree with Little Rose - except that I would tell him that HE can move out and live the single life if he chooses.... but don't come back and send support money for the kids and bills until he files and pays for the divorce.
Tell him that marriage to you does NOT include being able to have such contact with other women. Forsaking all others INCLUDES women on the internet.

realguy · 11-23-2005, 09:59 PM

Move quickly on this.

alldwsn · 11-23-2005, 10:30 PM

I did tell him that he can go if he wanted to live the single life so bad. He seems to think that because he went and deleted all the pictures, instant messages and everything the women sent him that its all OK. He says he does not understand why I keep bringing up the issues and its not like he is a repeat offender or is planning to do it again thats why he does not need therapy. I told him that if he was not willing to go then I will consider this to be the beginning of the end. So we will see where that takes us.
I just feel so depressed now, like I just want to disappear.