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Old 11-27-2005, 01:24 PM   #1
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threethings HB User
Question for the ladies....

I am 31 and I am really starting to feel the pressure of wanting to get married and have children. I recently made a post about breaking it off with a 25 year old guy because his time lines and goals didn't match mine. Am I obsessing too much about being married? Is this normal to want to be married and want to find a man who is looking for a fast(er) track as well? I'm not looking to force a relationship...just looking for someone with the same time frame for marriage as me. Of course the main thing is that we are right for each other. I just feel like I really broke it off with the 25 year old because he didn't want to get married / move in as soon as I did. Does / did anyone else feel this way??

 
Old 11-27-2005, 01:39 PM   #2
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Life is short. Enjoy it for what it is today. Stop worrying about the future.
Walking around looking for a husband isn't going to bring him any faster, in my opinion.
Just go with the flow. If you like someone, love someone, if they make you happy, if you enjoy being with someone that's all that should really matter in my book.

What if you break up with this guy and next year he becomes ready. What if you break up with this guy and next year you still haven't found someone. It's too late with him because he's moved on.
What if you stay with this guy and he never becomes ready and you miss an opportunity with someone else along the way?

You need to decide which is the bigger risk for YOU, here and today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

 
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Old 11-27-2005, 01:43 PM   #3
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Re: Question for the ladies....

good advice. i'm just really confused. i do feel i made the right decision with the young guy. i feel he's not ready and his actions are frustrating. i think it would be too difficult of a relationship.

at the same time...i do feel like i'm ready for more. i have done a lot of living in this one lifetime and i'd really like to get married. it's easy to say "i won't worry about it"...but the reality is...i don't want to get old and not have children. is that normal? haha. i'm going to look for counseling as well to help with this worrying.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 01:49 PM   #4
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Of course it's all normal!!
But, remember, worrying isn't going to make anything happen sooner. If anything, it will delay it, or certainly make it feel like it's taking all the longer.
Just relax, everything will play out just right all in due time. You just have to let it.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 02:10 PM   #5
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Re: Question for the ladies....

thanks. sometimes when i worry...my decision making skills are a mess. so i always question myself. the thing is...i also feel that if i was really questioning the age gap in my last relationship, then something was wrong...or i wouldn't have questioned it. i should move on...and look for mr right...but not worry to the point of where it is forced.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 02:19 PM   #6
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Re: Question for the ladies....

While I normally agree with LMH, in this case we'll have to agree to disagree. Many women go thru life not knowing what they want. They end up, in their late 30s or early 40s, wanting all the things you seem, to want, now. But the sad fact, statistically speaking, is that the older you get the more difficult it becomes to find a mate for marriage. I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm just saying it gets more and more difficult. There have been many studies, on this subject, and it would seem that men have the same difficulties, as they get older, so women aren't alone on this. The difference is that mens prime marriage age is a few years older then womens.
For men without degrees their prime marriage age is, I believe between 22 and 25, after that their chances of getting married start to drop.
For men with degrees their prime marriage age is, I believe between 27 and 33, after that their chances of getting married start to drop.
For women after 31, I think (that # could be off slighty, not much), their chances start dropping
Many people would argue with these numbers. I say let them, it really doesn't matter to me because I decided a while ago I wasn't getting married, but numbers DO NOT lie. We would like to believe we are all unique, in every way, but the fact is many of us will follow this pattern. After all, the numbers come from somewhere.
I'm not suggesting that you run out and get married. I'm saying it's never too early to know what you want and start looking towards that goal. If you know marriage and children are goals, in your life, why is it wrong or old fashioned or short sighted to start working toward those ends? One thing LMH and I do agree on is, life is short. Personally, I think it's very far sighted to start considering them.
Now for older women, especially those forty or older, marriage is still a possibility, but it gets much harder. Based on interviews, with these ladies, once they decided on marriage, treated it like a second job. It was a consistant and thorough approach that involved putting themselves out there, full time, in places they were sure they would meet eligible men. This sounds like too much work for me, personally.
The qualities that encouraged women to marry younger were, a strong desire to be a wife and mother. And, an absolute belief that men who didn't want to marry them were not worth their time or trouble. In other words, they did not put off their goals to stay in a relationship, for years sometimes, they saw as going nowhere.

Last edited by evy38; 11-27-2005 at 02:50 PM.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 02:19 PM   #7
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Oh yes, I think you made the right decision there, also. Didn't mean to imply otherwise.
I agree, if it was so right, you probably wouldn't have been questioning so much.

I do hope you find all you are looking for real soon!

 
Old 11-27-2005, 02:32 PM   #8
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Re: Question for the ladies....

evy38....i couldn't agree more. the older you get, the harder it is to find someone. for me (and probably for a lot of people), you finish changing drastically, around the ages of 27 - 32...and you really start pinpointing what you want. when you're younger, you can date whoever you want because you don't really know what you're looking for so it's easy. you deal with the other person's possible inconsistensies or differences and you grow / move forward. when you're older, you're a lot less tolerant of these things which makes it very difficult to find someone. this is most of the reason why my relationship with the younger guy went sour. he is in that mindset that anything is fine...i'm in the mindset that i know what i want. it's very difficult and i'm upset that i didn't find someone earlier in my life but this is where i am and i can't go back in time. the one thing i do think about is that half of my friends that got married in their mid to late 20's are just about ready for divorce. scary. life is strange.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 05:45 PM   #9
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Hiya HB User
Re: Question for the ladies....

I think you have to keep it in perspective. On the one hand, I feel that dating a guy who isn't into marriage when you really want to be married and start having babies, especially when you are over 30, is like really wanting to be a doctor and going to law school. What an incredible waste of time and money that would be!! If you want to be a doctor, you go to medical school. If you want to be married, you date men who are marriage-minded. I don't think that makes you fanatical, just someone who knows what she wants. The only way it is going overboard is if you let it become such an obsession that it affects the quality of your life. I think by and large, love comes when the gods decide you are ready and deserve it. But there are things you can do to broaden the chances of finding it sooner. Wasting time with a man who doesn't want to marry you isn't one of them. Trust me. I was so in love with a guy once that I was blind to the fact that he didn't love me. I let him fool me and I passed up several men because my heart just wanted him. He dumped me, moved on, and now is happily married with a family, and I'm 40 and still single, can hear my ovaries drying up at night, have a middle-aged paunch no amount of diet and exercise can get rid of, haven't been hit on by an interesting guy in almmost a decade, and seemingly have nothing but lonely spinsterhood and dying alone to look forward to. Knowing WHO your heart wants can be a good thing, but it's most beneficial with it's coupled with knowing WHAT you want, and knowing if you're going to get it from the one you're with, and having the strength to walk away and go after what you want. Good luck to you.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 06:21 PM   #10
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Did you already end the relationship with the younger guy, even though you said you felt he was the right guy for you? I'm not sure that I completely agree with the other posts--to me it seems more important to find a compatible partner who you truly adore and desire than to find a guy who is really into getting married soon. This is partially because I am only 23 and not a woman who is cut out for or who wants to get married, but it seems to me like women who get narrowly focused on finding a man to marry often miss out on the joy and excitement that comes with dating different guys, giving relationships a chance to blossom, and being patient about seeing what develops with a partner who you really love without having an urgent and non-negotiable goal always in the front of your mind. I do think it's possible to find a husband fairly quickly if that's really what you want, but the vast majority of women who do so don't seem to end up in happy, lasting relationships with men they feel passionate about. The same is true with women who really want to get married young and marry one of the first guys they have relationships with before they have the experience, wisdom, and maturity to understand what makes a relationship work and thrive in the long run. In fact, the earlier in life a woman marries, the more likely her relationship is to end in divorce. It seems to me like the best approach is to be patient, enjoy the present, and just take life as it comes, making the most of all the happy times you have without being so goal-oriented that you see the present as just a means to an end and are in a rush to get to the future when you'll be married. Not only does this seem to compromise a woman's overall contentment and enjoyment of life, but it also seems to hinder her chances of finding a great man to spend her life loving. The best things always tend to happen when we sit back and let life take its course without trying to force things that really can't be forced and are best left to develop in their own good time. I just don't see why marriage is such a big deal to women and something they can get obsessed with to the point where it becomes their main priority and leads them to end perfectly happy relationships just because marriage isn't happening fast enough for their liking...but that's partially just because of my own admittedly unusual outlook on marriage and my aversion to settling down with one man. Nonetheless, I think you will be happiest and have the most luck in love if you keep an open mind, give guys some time before you decide whether they are or aren't marriage material, and enjoy letting your relationships develop in their own time without wishing the time away or trying to force a commitment before it would happen naturally. I wish you all the best in finding what you are looking for though and hope the advice you receive here helps you toward those goals...good luck!

 
Old 11-27-2005, 06:31 PM   #11
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Hiya - I fully agree. I don't want to get hung up on a guy who isn't ready. Since he's young...I have no idea if and when he'll be ready!! In fact..I just had a long talk with him and my suspicions were correct. Although he told me he was ready....his actions proved otherwise and he agreed...he is not ready. It's very painful but I'm glad I brought it all up with him because if not, I might've just gone along and gotten older and he'd just be having fun. Don't worry..you are not too old. Think of all the people getting divorced! I know plenty of people around your age that have found good men and are now very happy. There is a guy at my work that just met a woman your age. He's divorced with a son and she has never been married. They are very very happy. It's harder to meet people...but it's not impossible!!

Stacy - I also see your point. I definitely concentrate on having fun and letting a relationship blossom. The problem is, at this age...I've done that a lot already! So I have my goals in sight....and I want to reach them. If I meet someone that I feel is right for me..but he's not ready for marriage for a long time...well...then he might not be right for me. As I said above....he just finally told me that he is not ready...and was only making decisions for himself..not us. I do follow your philosophy in life...maybe a little too much. I've traveled all over the world, lived 5 lives in 31 years...I truly believe life is for living. That being said, part of my goals at this point is to have a family and I feel strongly about that. THAT being said...I will NOT just marry any old joe blow because I also believe in being happy. I do admit that I need to let loose a little in my current relationships...I hope I'm not turning into a hag.

Thanks everybody..hopefully these talks are not only helping me.

 
Old 11-27-2005, 06:42 PM   #12
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Hi there--it does sound like you made the right decision, and I really admire you for living life to the fullest and not hesitating to go after what you want in life. And if a man doesn't share your goals, then it is better to move on sooner than later, because there are always other great guys out there and as several people have said, life is too short to be dissatisfied and settle for less than everything you want . I have no doubt that a woman like you with a zest for life, lots of fun and exciting experiences in her past, and plenty of confidence and determination will find what she wants and not have to worry about ending up alone, so please don't worry about that! It sounds to me like you are on the right track toward seeking out and finding exactly what you want from this stage of your life, and I hope you achieve that with the right person at the right time and live happily ever after . Good luck with everything and take care!

 
Old 11-27-2005, 07:20 PM   #13
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Re: Question for the ladies....

thanks stacy!! i appreciate that. i wish you happiness in your life...with or without marriage. i also don't feel that everyone HAS to get married. live life...be happy!!

 
Old 11-30-2005, 04:46 PM   #14
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Re: Question for the ladies....

I do know what you mean. I got married at 29, and at that time I was feeling exactly what you were. First of all, I completely agree that you did the right thing by breaking up with the other guy. Love him or not, you absolutely knew that he was not ready. Had you continued, that would have been nothing but an exercise in total frustration and wasted time! I also know that it's hard when people say "relax, just have fun with it." Easier said than done. I am also very well-educated, well-traveled, have a very good career and salary, lots of hobbies, interests and friends and no shortage of dates. So I was hardly desperate for a man to keep me company or anything. In fact through most of my twenties I said I had no interest in marriage! I think that part of what stacy may not understand (I mean this with all due respect) is the biological clock problem. It is real, and it is LOUD. For me it started at 26 or 27, I suddenly felt this frantic need to "settle down" - though I think I wanted kids at that time, I remember that wasn't my conscious worry, it was more vaugue than that, but very difficult. It was about getting married, that was my next goal, my eye was on the prize. And there's nothing wrong with that really, unless of course you marry a jerk. We set goals in life, and we take steps to meet those goals. Once we've reached one, we set another. It's the same way with marriage. I'm not the only one who has felt this urge either, I have seen it happen in just about every friend I have. And you know what? Every single one got what she wanted just in the nick of time, seemingly out of nowhere. And you will too, I really, really believe that. After marrying my husband, I've discovered that actually quite a lot of men go through the same thing! Those are probably the men that you will meet through your coworkers, your friends, your memberships, hobbies, etc. Not the ones who are hanging out in bars. Good luck to you!

 
Old 11-30-2005, 05:11 PM   #15
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Re: Question for the ladies....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylvia224
In fact through most of my twenties I said I had no interest in marriage! I think that part of what stacy may not understand (I mean this with all due respect) is the biological clock problem. It is real, and it is LOUD. For me it started at 26 or 27, I suddenly felt this frantic need to "settle down" - though I think I wanted kids at that time, I remember that wasn't my conscious worry, it was more vaugue than that, but very difficult. It was about getting married, that was my next goal, my eye was on the prize. And there's nothing wrong with that really, unless of course you marry a jerk. We set goals in life, and we take steps to meet those goals. Once we've reached one, we set another. It's the same way with marriage. I'm not the only one who has felt this urge either, I have seen it happen in just about every friend I have. And you know what? Every single one got what she wanted just in the nick of time, seemingly out of nowhere. And you will too, I really, really believe that. After marrying my husband, I've discovered that actually quite a lot of men go through the same thing! Those are probably the men that you will meet through your coworkers, your friends, your memberships, hobbies, etc. Not the ones who are hanging out in bars. Good luck to you!
Wow, that's SO interesting! I can attest that about the age of 29, I suddenly started to feel a frantic desire to get married, preferably before 30! I think that's what ruined my relationship with the man I loved the most. He wasn't really in a rush and I think just my mentioning it ruined things. But a few of my friends were getting married or in serious relationships, and I felt SO much pressure!!! I can completely understand what you're saying. 30 felt OLD to me when I was 29 Well, I'm 33 now and still single. And I regret it tremendously that I was so obsessed about marriage a few years ago. I truly believe if I was more relaxed and just shut up about it, I could have married that guy. He was crazy about me at the time, but I pushed him away. He is still single too, btw, but became quite commitmentphobic now. I think the more past 30 men get, the harder it is for them to make a commitment. I'm glad you found your guy, though!

 
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