Originally Posted by Silver Lining
I really don't get why this is all your fault. Why did you guys break up in the first place??? Did she cheat on you? How is that your fault? Did you abuse her physically?
I never laid a hand on her. It's not in me to hurt a woman. I'd sooner cut off my hand than use it to hurt a female. Yeah, she cheated on me. How is that it's my fault? Well, she did love me. I know she did. She trusted me to take care of her and to make sure she had her needs met. And she did have food and shelter. I made certain of that. But was paranoid she was going to leave me or cheat on me. I just couldn't believe that she really wanted me. I thought I had to keep up on her every minute to make sure that she wouldn't find someone better. In short, I made her a prisoner of my own fears. I didn't let her have any life outside of me whatsoever. I wouldn't let her work because I was afraid that she would meet another guy. Then I quit working because I was afraid she would find someone while I was at work. I was spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her.
But I wasn't really there. She was telling me in the best way she could what she needed and I didn't hear any of it. I could have eased up, listened to what she needed, done it, and things would have gotten better. We had a family together. We loved each other. But I didn't listen to a word she said. I kept right on getting more and more paranoid. So she started rebelling. Then I got even more paranoid. I let her do less and less and she started acting out more and more. The bigger controlling monster I became, the more lewd and outrageous she became.
Then the guy next door came slithering along and noticed what was going on. He befriended her. He gained her trust. He listened to her problems. He acted like he cared about what she was feeling. He seemed to understand.
What would you have done if you were her? I mean, really. She was 20 years old. He wasn't good looking or rich or anything. He just listened to her. He did what I was supposed to be doing and so she did was she was supposed to be doing with me with him. I don't blame her. Now that I look back on it I wonder how on Earth I could have ever been like that.
But it gets better. Oh yeah, it gets much better. People are going to hate me for this. I do, so it's ok. I brainwashed her to think she was being evil. It sounds far fetched, but it's true. I actually made her believe that she was crazy. That she betrayed me, her family, her kids, everyone. I made her think that she was the most worthless person on the planet. I put her on the great mother of all ungodly guilt trips. It was so effective she gave me her kids and never once came back for them. She thought that she wasn't worthy of them. That she was a horrible person who would ruin them.
And I didn't even know I did a single bit of any of it. That's what makes me so incredibly sad and remorseful. I had no idea I was doing any of it at all. I believed I was right until last week. I believed she was evil. I thought she purposely set out to hurt my feelings, break up our family, and leave me to tend the kids while she had fun. I thought her rebellion was hatred for me. I thought my paranoia and deaf ear were concern for her and our relationship. I believed I did everything I could to keep us together when in fact I did everything I could to drive us apart. I blamed her for everything that happened.
All the while though I still loved her. Even though I told myself I hated her for what she did to me. Whenever I tried to date it never felt right. I am not a bad looking guy. I know it's hard to convey on the internet where everyone can be a supermodel if they pretend, but really, women find me incredibly attractive. I have the ability to make them walk into things if I dress up the right way. If I wanted to have a woman, I could. But I haven't been in a relationship but for two out of the last 180 or so months I have been divorced/seperated. I have went through the motions, and pretended to try, but there has been no motivation. I have several dozen women on these single sites wanting to meet me, but I can't even force myself to send them an email. I mean, I know I'm single now and that her and I are over and all that, and until last week that's they way I knew it was going to be forever.
It still didn't and doesn't matter. I have no desire for anyone else and never have. If she rejects me, which she will probably do, I still don't ever see myself dating again. I'd rather not have anyone if I can't have her. I've been 100% celebate for over 9 years. There only became a slim chance in hades of her every being mine again a week ago. If I am wrong about all this, nothing will change for me. Except now I will know why instead of sitting around for another 15 years asleep wondering what I did wrong. I can't say I was or will be perfectly happy without human companionship, but I can and do live that way and have for a long, long time. I didn't understand why before, it was just the way it was. I thought I was alone because I was a loser and a weakling and scared of women. I thought I hated my ex wife. I was starting to hate women in general.
All this was weighing down on me really hard. It was looking for a way out and finding it. Ever go a week without eating? Ever sit around depressed like your whole life is over and not know why? I was in a depression that I can honestly say was getting close to fatal. I didn't know why I felt so bad. I had no hope, there was no light on the end of the tunnel for me. No matter how much my boys care for me, no matter how much my sisters and mother depend on me, nothing seemed to matter to me at all. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
And then my 37th birthday came. I was falling deeper and deeper into despair. The kids and family tried and tried to cheer me up, but all they did was annoy me. I was sitting in my room, listening to music, crying to myself and my youngest son came into the room with the phone. It was her. They didn't call her. I checked the cell phone records thing. She called me. Right then. Out of the blue and told me "She will always love me for the job I did raising our kids" and asked for the song "I keep forgetting". I could hear in her voice what she really meant. I told her I was coming to see her on her birthday. At my darkest moment she reached out and saved me. She gave me hope where there was absolutely none at all before. There is no way on Earth she could have known how I was feeling right then. If she had called me any other time before then there would have been a different outcome.
The next morning I woke up and knew the truth. For the first time in my life I understood it all. It has been like a million neutron stars have been taken off my back. Had she called and begged me to take her back this spring I would have been mean and laughed at her. (And dying inside silently) Any other day or time would have been different, but she called right at the second where I was literally giving up my last bit of hope in life.
Now I know what I have to do. I have to have her back. I have been happy once in the last 15 years. That was for 20 seconds this summer talking to her in her motel room with the kids and guy #1. It was magic. I will NEVER treat her poorly or smother her or not listen to her for one second again. If she takes that one last chance on me, if there is anything at all in her heart for me I will make her the most happy person that could ever be. If she will let me.
Quite a long answer to such a short question
but the kids are sick or hearing it and the dog doesn't react. If I don't let this stuff out I will explode.