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Old 12-05-2005, 08:34 AM   #1
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
I need your help & advice - broken heart how do I move on???

Hello,

Well this is going to be my first post on here and I need your input.

I have been with a guy for almost 7 years off and on, for at least the last 2 years it has been off, however neither of us have moved on or stopped acting like we were BF/GF. To the point where we go on trips and have sleepovers on weekends!

Which has become increasingly harder to do as I want to be married and have children, this is something we both talked about when we met each other and we wanted a lot of the same things so it isn't like he didn't know this. That is not the problem however.

He comes from a family where he is the youngest, his brothers are 15 years older and he was spoiled and given everything he wanted. He expects our relationship to be perfect, like his parents and we can't disagree, he is very hard on himself and quite often is very, very negative when it comes to things he does. He can't do anything right etc , etc and for the first 4 years I bought into this and I was constantly reassuring and telling him how smart he was and a good person. When one day I realized everytime this happens I say and do the same thing but his thought process doesn't change, it's kind of like a pity me thing, and this way he gets all the attention, yet my needs are never being taken care of.

The straw that broke the camels back came last Thursday when his parents had to put their/his cat to sleep, he asked if I wanted to come and I declined (as we are not together) and expressed that I think this is something he needs to do with his family, cause I knew it was going to be very emotional for his parents and I would feel like I was intruding on their private time. (plus I couldn't get away from work)

Anyways, I guess this would be a good time to explain that the cat belonged to his ex girlfriend, the parents came to get the cat when the cat was sick at least 12 years ago and needed an opertion, she was going to put the cat down because she could not afford it and my bf's parents stepped in and adopted the cat.

So back to Thursday, I called (Frank, not real name) to see how he was doing before he left and to let him know that I was thinking about him and to call me at work when he needed me. 4:30 I get a call and he is very distraught and upset. We talk and I ask if Jane (his ex) was able to come over to see the cat? he said yes she showed up when you called, yet he did not mention this!!he then told me she came to the vet with the family, even though she has had nothing to do with them for 7 years???????

He is very insecure and jealous of anyone in my life and there are certain things that I am not allowed to do yet I felt he hid this from me. I said that I was not happy and that it was not right for me to be sharing how I felt considering what he was going through and that I had to go.

30 seconds later I phoned him to ask, if everyone was in shock and upset who was comforting Jane? when I got the answer I expected....he said that she came over and gave him a hug, but it was all on her end, right??????people who know our history feel that this was wrong, you reading this may think what's the big deal but this is just one thing over the past 7 years.

I'm now at a point where I need to be very storng and not fall back into the same patterns that we have for the past few years... It really hurts.. I've never had to do this before with someone that I care and love so much, I know there are a lot of blanks missing in regards to our history over the 7 ears that this is just the most recent. When I first met him I thought we would be together forever, like he was my soul mate , even after all these years the passion is still there which a lot of people can not say..

I'm hardly sleeeping my heart is racing, I feel like I'm having anxiety attacks and I just want to stop feeling this way, I know it will take time to get over him, I guess I still don't believe that it is over, how stupid am I?hehe yet I know that it has to be. I deserve someone that is going to want to be with me and love me unconditionally not try to change me at every turn, I should let you know there is nothing that I wouldn't have done for him. (within reason of course)he had nothing to worry about with me, I was honest, caring, loving, considerate of his needs and wants yet somehow I end up here? heart broken and getting clobbered.. BTW we are both 34 so it isn't like we haven't done this before.

Any kind of input to help me get over this faster would be greatly appreciated, be gentle with your words as I am sensitive right now... I've lost my best friend.

Last edited by WahiniGirl 747; 12-05-2005 at 10:29 AM.

 
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Old 12-05-2005, 09:25 AM   #2
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: Don't judge

I don't really get why his ex-gf is involved in all of this at all unless they are good friends and even then it's kind of weird. I've owned and lost cats, and it's very sad, but this sounds a little dramatic. I guess it's beside the point though. The main point seems to be that you're spending your childbearing years with this man without any kind of real commitment. He's not going to change your status as a couple on his own. This is most likely working very well for him. He has you for companionship and support, but can feel free to pursue other people since technically you're off.

I'd suggest you stop seeing him. You don't want to wake up one day years down the road to find out he's met someone else, do you?

 
Old 12-05-2005, 09:37 AM   #3
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Dizzy Daisey HB User
Re: Don't judge

Be strong, i cant advise you on what you should do you have to folow your heart. if he feels the same way for you as you do for him you will know.

Dont be affraid to take chances in this relationship and dont keep things inside. Tell him exactly how you feel, he might shock you and talk to you on the same wave length. You both know each other too well not to just carry on as if nothings happening.

Everything happens for a reson and what comes around goes around, dont make your self ill over him, if you are then he's not good for you and if he is the one then he would have picked up on this and made a effort with you no matter what

 
Old 12-05-2005, 09:53 AM   #4
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Thanks... As for Jane (not real name) she is not a friend of his and over the years he has told his mom he does not want to know what is going on in her life, a friend of mine thiks he did it to make me jealous, and that once I get over it, I will go back to him like always... If that was his intent he is in for a surprise cause I am not going back this time. As Dizzy said he should have picked up on it by this time!! and ya know what this is about the 50th time and he has still not picked up on it.

I have communicated with him honestly and openly and even that doesn't work. How many people do you know that when you say to them I would like it if I got more hugs from you, that they come back with "that they can't do anything right" or they are giving the hugs when their not???? he doesn't listen to what I am telling him, he listens to what he thinks I'm trying to say. I'm not going back...it is so hard though cause he is in my life everywhere.. We work across the street from each other and if I go for lunch there is a 50% chance I will bump into him as we go to a lot of the same stores on lunch. I can not see him yet as it is all to new and fresh for me....I wish things had turned out differently. I know that he loves me and cares for me, however if someone is talking to you why would you not listen to what they are saying or listen to their needs... they are obviously saying it for a reason..with him it is always about him and how people perceive him, he has to be perfect. And if his words to me are I love you and care for you and are miserable when your not their why is he not trying to make it better, so that he is not miserable? his words have no meaning as they are not backed with action.

 
Old 12-05-2005, 10:51 AM   #5
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Seven years is far too long to be in an on again, off again relationship. This relationship was not meant to be and even though you thought, at one time, this man was your soulmate, he is not! Don't put yourself through this agony ANY LONGER. Just walk away. I know it's easier said than done, but the more you prolong the inevitable, the worse it will be for you and the longer it will take the healing process.

I was in this type of relationsihp for about 3 years and finally one day, I just woke up, and realized it would never work. Actually, the last time I saw him, I knew he wasn't the one anymore. All my feelings were gone. I was so relieved.

Whatever you have to do, do it now. Change your phone number or at least ignore his calls and stay completely away from this man.

Don't torture yourself any longer.

 
Old 12-05-2005, 03:15 PM   #6
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Thanks, I knew this years ago as well which is why you could say I strated to not take the bs anymore. I told him sh** or get off the pot. The thing that has always kept me here is that when we are together mentally and physically we have a great time, but then it would seem like it was too perfect and almost like he sabotaged it himself so that he didn't have to commit. (start a fight on Sunday, or whatever)

I've only ever been in two relationships, and my last one was easy to get over as I had no feelings for him by the time it was done, this is truly a first and I just want to be able to stand by what I say to him and move on...This is hard and I know with time my thoughts will not be on him, less and less...

 
Old 12-05-2005, 07:17 PM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Don't judge

Quote:
Originally Posted by greeneyes100
Seven years is far too long to be in an on again, off again relationship. This relationship was not meant to be and even though you thought, at one time, this man was your soulmate, he is not! Don't put yourself through this agony ANY LONGER. Just walk away. I know it's easier said than done, but the more you prolong the inevitable, the worse it will be for you and the longer it will take the healing process.

I was in this type of relationsihp for about 3 years and finally one day, I just woke up, and realized it would never work. Actually, the last time I saw him, I knew he wasn't the one anymore. All my feelings were gone. I was so relieved.

Whatever you have to do, do it now. Change your phone number or at least ignore his calls and stay completely away from this man.

Don't torture yourself any longer.
I agree with Greeneyes. If a man of 34 cannot make a commitment after SEVEN years together, chances are very slim he will ever be able to. As hard as it sounds, I really think you should break up with him. AT least tell him you're not willing to wait any longer and specify a time frame. If he doesn't commit by then, you will have to leave. You really have no time for this BS. I know because I"m almost the same age as you: 33. We can't waste time on men who are so commitmentphobic.

 
Old 12-05-2005, 07:59 PM   #8
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Hi,

See the thing that confuses me and again this means I am buying into his words is that he tells me he wants me, needs me, is miserable without me and that he wants a family, and to be married and that is what he has been saying all these years to keep me dangling.

I have told him many times and technically I don't owe him an explanation at this point as we are not dating. I have told him if someone is to come along that interests me I WILL go out with them. It isn't to be harsh but I need to start taking care of my own needs... As I put his first all the time... Thursday evening he couldn't even call me when he knew I was upset, he sent me a polite e-mail to which I responded very calmly and directly stating that I could not keep doing this and that every time something like this happened I was the one to get hurt and that I needed to remove him from my life. We'll see where this goes as it is Christmas time and I know that he has presents for my son (he is not the dad, my son is from a previous marriage).I will not stop them as they have their own bond, however it will have to be away from my house as we have been in this scenario before when he comes over and sees me and it all starts with an innocent hug....I'm thinking McDonalds is a good place for him to take him...That way I don't have to see him or have these feelings come up when I am trying to get over him, hope that all made sense.

Thanks....

 
Old 12-06-2005, 07:47 PM   #9
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
Post Re: Don't judge

Ok, it is now day 5 and I am going pretty strong... Am I crazy that I actually miss this guy??? One of the most painful things I think is dealing with breaking up with someone that you love so much and care for and know that they feel the same, knowing that they are out there.. when you are not over them. I could handle this better if he cheated on me or was a big time reject cause I would not put up with that!!no way no how. For all of his faults or mood swings, I still loved him and tried to understand where he was coming from.

Ok I now your thinking I am even sadder... I wish people would respond and give me their two cents I don't expect it to be insightful or witty, just an honest opinion!!!

How about you guys what do you think? do you think I'm over reacting it's just a hug?? Consensus with my friends is I'm not and I totally had the right to be upset. Like I said previously if the roles were reversed he would be freaking... I find myself wondering more about the situation and how it happened?? guess I may never know. I'm returning his stuff on Friday and then that will be it as far as my contact, and I'm not even seeing him on Friday, I'm just dropping it off at his parents house, they don't know what's going on with us, they never do, just as his friends don't and co-workers don't, I constantly feel that he hides me away from his life.he denies this by saying he is just a private person....

That's my thought for the day and where I am at with this whole mess. Please post a comment and let me know what you think...

 
Old 12-07-2005, 03:30 AM   #10
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Quote:
Originally Posted by WahiniGirl 747
Ok, it is now day 5 and I am going pretty strong... Am I crazy that I actually miss this guy??? One of the most painful things I think is dealing with breaking up with someone that you love so much and care for and know that they feel the same, knowing that they are out there.. when you are not over them. I could handle this better if he cheated on me or was a big time reject cause I would not put up with that!!no way no how. For all of his faults or mood swings, I still loved him and tried to understand where he was coming from.

Ok I now your thinking I am even sadder... I wish people would respond and give me their two cents I don't expect it to be insightful or witty, just an honest opinion!!!

How about you guys what do you think? do you think I'm over reacting it's just a hug?? Consensus with my friends is I'm not and I totally had the right to be upset. Like I said previously if the roles were reversed he would be freaking... I find myself wondering more about the situation and how it happened?? guess I may never know. I'm returning his stuff on Friday and then that will be it as far as my contact, and I'm not even seeing him on Friday, I'm just dropping it off at his parents house, they don't know what's going on with us, they never do, just as his friends don't and co-workers don't, I constantly feel that he hides me away from his life.he denies this by saying he is just a private person....

That's my thought for the day and where I am at with this whole mess. Please post a comment and let me know what you think...
I know it's hard to get over someone you really care about and he is giving you mixed messages. But, as the other poster said, if he hasn't committed in seven years, he either is unable or unwilling to do so. Just stay as busy as possible and go out with other men. If you go out with other men, it will help you get over him and move on. Don't get into another relationship just yet, but continue to date and meet new men.

It just takes TIME and lots of it. Do things that make you feel good about yourself and pamper yourself.

Don't even email him or return his calls. Completely ignore him from now on.

Like you said, you need to take care of YOUR NEEDS now, so forget him.

Hang in there and good luck!

 
Old 12-07-2005, 06:56 AM   #11
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WahiniGirl 747 HB User
Re: Don't judge

Thanks.. he is trying to make me feel bad for not being there when he says he needed me, I know what my friends tell me and what people on here have said and I am sticking by the majority, it's just not right!! I will be strong thanks for the support!!

Last edited by WahiniGirl 747; 12-07-2005 at 06:57 AM.

 
Old 12-07-2005, 07:13 AM   #12
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Music4All HB User
Re: Don't judge

You are making the right decision. Never trust that what a person says is what they mean. Always trust that a person means what they show in actions. Women, and men, drive themselves crazy over making sense out of words that simply don't make sense. Actions and behaviors are much better indicators of how a person really feels and what their level of character is than any words or arguments they offer. If his actions are suspect, then don't let his words confuse you. Don't buy into whining and pity. You have to trust both your heart AND your brain.

 
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