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Old 12-19-2005, 09:36 AM   #1
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Unhappy Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Not sure whether posting here will help me with how I'm feeling, but I am sure I cannot be the only person who has experienced this. Any suggestions from your own experiences would be much appreciated as I am really finding it hard at the moment and don't know what to do for the best.

At the beginning of September my boyfriend of 3 years decided he did not want to be with me anymore. We had been living together for just over 2 years and at the time were living in a flat that we rented from his family. He was 16 when we met and I was 23. Age was never really an issue though as he has always been very mature for his age. We were so close and I can honestly say that I have never felt so strongly for someone as I have for him. We 'grew' each other in so many ways and he has had a massive influence on the person I now am. We spent no more than a couple of days apart at the most in the 3 years and always spoke every day.

It wasn't always plain sailing however - we had our ups and downs just as any couple does. This year we both started to have more independence - I got a 2nd job through which I met more people and was away at weekends, and he started to chat to a few people on the net who he subsequently met and became friends with. In June this year (a few days before my birthday) I found out he had kissed one of these new friends and he told me he wasn't sure whether we had just become friends. I was devastated. I found out literally an hour before a birthday meal with all his family. However, he found it really difficult, as did I. I have never seen him so distraught and upset. He had booked me a holiday for my birthday and we both decided to still go. We had a lovely time and a couple of weeks later he told me that he was now sure he really did love me and wanted to be with me.

Over the next couple of months I think we both got comfortable and didn't make that much of an effort with each other. We were both snappy and I ended up spending more and more time away. He had Uni exams to revise for and it seemed like we never had quality time together. To be fair he did make more effort than me and a few times suggested doing things - I however, didn't make as much effort - something I now totally regret.

The arguments started to become more frequent and one Thursday evening we had one via the phone. It ended up with him staying round him mums for the night. I went to work the next day as normal and when on my journey home he called me to ask if I could come round his mums 'cos he needed to talk to me. I knew something wasn't right but was not prepared to find out that he had moved out and had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. He assured me there was no-one else involved. He said there was no one reason for it but he just knew 'we' weren't right for him anymore. I was in complete shock and it ended with a petty argument because he had taken things from the flat like the Sky box etc..

The next few weeks I was like a zombie - I have never felt so devastated and empty. Anyway, his family were very supportive and all said they still wanted to see me and that I was always welcome. One evening I went round his mums and he turned up too. It was completely unexpected but we started talking and actually both seemed to enjoy spending time with each other. It was his sister's birthday that weekend and asked if I would like to come. I subsequently did and if Im honest I was hoping he may be changing his mind. However, how wrong I was! I turned up in a new outfit looking my best and it started off great. His mum asked me to get something from upstairs and so I went up to his room. I noticed his mobile on the bed and the urge was too strong to not look at his messages. There were literally loads of messages from one of the people he had met earlier that year from the net (one that lives very close to where he works - not the one he had kissed though). They were obviously from someone who was more than a friend and the most recent one from my ex said that he was looking forward to kisses and cuddles tonight. I was in a complete blind panic and just took his phone and went downstairs, went straight up to him and asked to talk to him outside. We went out and I confronted him accusing him of being unfaithful. Of course it turned in to a blazing row where he accused me of being unfaithful too - someone he had spoken to had told him I had slept with them when we were together. He said that even though he did not have to justify anything he did not start seeing him before we had split and he assured me it was nothing serious. We parted company and I went to talk things through with his nan who has been a god send giving endless amounts of support to me. After lots of tears she convinced me to stay as going home on my own would do me no good. I went back in the house and he came up to me apologised and hugged me. He was actually very kind and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and hated seeing me upset.

The night went on and he eventually went out - obviously to meet you know who as arranged in the texts. I ended up staying round him mums that night as I had drunk a bit too much. I kept drifting in and out of nightmares about him with this other bloke and was waking up every few minutes. It got to 4am and he still wasn't home. I couldn't take it anymore and presumed he must be staying with him. I got up and had to leave - my head was all over the place. I went back to the flat and just sat there in tears for hours.

Several things have happened since then. We have remained in contact and even went on holiday together with his family (something that was arranged months before our split). On the holiday we ended up sleeping together - I took it to mean something completely different to him and the holiday ended with me seeing emails he had sent to this other guy saying how much he missed him.

This pattern has continued now for the last month or so. Most recently he started to get in touch more often and I have seen his family quite a bit. I have of course always taken it mean more than it really does. I eventually started to get more used to not being with him but always have had bad days. I moved back to my parents which means an hour and a half journey to and from work. I have had to keep myself busy and so have been out every night not getting home before 12am just so that I don't have time to think about things. To say I have been feeling worn out is an understatement but I would rather that than feeling miserable thinking about how much I miss him.

Xmas had been on my mind for a while and to cut a long story short I was invited to his family's for Xmas. His mum also told me he had asked her to invite me out for a meal on Boxing Day so I was really pleased he wanted to see me. I bought him a fairly expensive present and for the last couple of weeks have been all smiles. However, last week he called me to tell me he did not want me to come to his family's as it just didn't feel right as we aren't together anymore. Needless to say since then I have been so upset and it all built up yesterday when I spent most of the day crying. I also to make it worse found a profile on a website for him stating his marital status as "seeing someone special". I have tried texting him since and he now doesn't even reply.

I have come to work today feeling sick and can't really eat anything. I am dreading the next couple of weeks and am totally not in the Christmas mood. My family do not know I am not going to see him now and I am currently planning to spend Xmas Day on my own round a friends house whilst they are away over Xmas.

I thought I had moved on a bit but feeling now like he doesn't want to know me at all is killing me. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and I don't have any purpose anymore. I have probably sounded dramatic in what I have written but it is honestly how I feel. I don't know how to move on or if I ever will. I care for him so much and regret so much not making more effort when it would have counted. Xmas is going to be the worst day yet I think, especially when I think he might be spending it with someone else.

I decided to post this message (sorry for the length) mainly because I needed to get things out. Any ideas or thoughts for how I can make myself feel better will be much appreciated.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 12:22 PM   #2
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Here is the problem with having a relationship with someone who is so much younger. They are inexperienced, haven't found themselves yet, aren't sure exactly what they want out of life. The teen years (and also on into the early 20's) are the time when you find yourself. It is pretty uncommon for someone who is only sixteen to have found the One. Because they haven't even found themselves yet, no matter how mature they seem! They are curious, they want to see what else is out there. Another thing is that when you are young your opinions and ideas and views are constantly changing. Who you may think you are at 16 is usually a lot different then who you later discover yourself to be.

You helped each other grow and learn about yourselves, and that is what a good relationship should be. However when you met you were much older and already had an idea about what you wanted. At 16 your boyfriend was just beginning to feel around. He's too young to be tied down yet. Heck, I dated a 17 year old when I was 19, and even then he was way too young for me.

Frankly, you are an adult and he was (and still is) a boy. I know it's painful, but he can't be expected to want to settle down and you apparently do. I know we can't help who we fall for, but to protect your heart it might be a good idea to stick with those who are in the same life stage as you are. Good luck

 
Old 12-19-2005, 06:26 PM   #3
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Regardless of age, sometimes people feel that they want out of a relationship for any number of reasons. A clean break is never fun, but feeling like he was seeing someone else and lying to you about it before actually ending the relationship can make you feel especially confused.

I do sense that you're being too available and remaining too close to the situation. Take some time for yourself. Treat yourself. Think about yourself. Care for YOU right now. You're now free to be truly loved by someone who deserves you.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 08:57 AM   #4
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gaylad HB User
Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Thank you both for your comments. They have both provided me with some comfort and hope.

He called me this lunchtime to apologise for the mess up over Xmas. I asked him whether he wanted to stay friends, and actually BE friends. He said he didn't know how long it would take but because of the history between us it may take a while for us both to find out whether we are comfortable to be friends properly, but he could see no reason why we shouldn't be able to.

He said I was still welcome at Xmas but not for such a long period as this was just to much. All in all was a pleasant enough conversation (as they always are).

Not sure whether to go at all over Xmas or just keep my distance. Not sure whether to even call or text on Xmas Day just saying "Merry Christmas"?

Do you think I should keep my distance or send a message if I feel the need to but keep it generic - no emotion etc?

Thanks again.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:37 AM   #5
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Should you keep your distance?

Just going on logic, I would say yes. But, emotions don't follow logic. =o)

You have 5 days to decide. In that time, try to do something that maybe you shied away from because you were with him. Relationships can totally consume us. You have some breathing space now. Go catch a movie you've been dying to see that he wasn't crazy about. Revive an old hobby that you used to lose yourself in. Take a spa day or some other indulgence and feel how good it is to pamper yourself. Consider how good it feels to be single and independent and strong. During this time, consider how he does NOT define you. You are worthy to be loved regardless of who is in your life.

Then, take that momentum and, in a time that you feel strong, make your decision about Christmas. Do YOU want to be there? Will being there be a positive event for YOU. If you decide to go, you'll go with your eyes wide open. If you decide not to go, then don't go. Make the decision once. If you find that you keep second guessing your decision, I would urge you to not go. The state of mind you'd be in causing yourself to go back and forth on your decision would not be the state of mind you'd want to carry with you to his house on Christmas.

This is about you now. I'm glad he called you and I'm glad he apologized. I'm glad he asked you over for Christmas. But what do YOU want?

Anyways, sorry this is so long. I just know how hard it is to sometimes take the smallest steps in making the right decision when you're staring down the dark tunnel of emotional confusion. But, I promise, hope will find you whether you cooperate or not. =o)

 
Old 12-20-2005, 10:07 AM   #6
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

The other posters are definitely correct in that his age is a huge factor in your break-up. He is still a boy and still discovering himself. Also, you are quite young yourself and you are still finding yourself. Right now, you are devastated and heartbroken. But, this too, shall pass. It just takes time. Surround yourself with the support of your friends and family and do things to make you feel good about yourself. This man is not the right person for you and in time, you will realize this.

However, you definitely need to make a clean break from him, no matter how hard it is. Otherwise, you will continue to harbor false hopes of him getting back together with you. Don't go over to his parent's house anymore, no matter how much they want you to. Don't call him or email and don't answer his calls or emails.

In time, you will see that this break-up was one of many learning experiences and you will become a stronger and better woman because of it.

There is someone better out there for you and eventually you will cross paths. Actually, there are many possible partners who are out there for you. People are just the instruments through which love flows, and in time, you will see that.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 10:09 AM   #7
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

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Old 12-20-2005, 12:51 PM   #8
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gaylad HB User
Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

I guess you are right. Im a firm believer in fate and if we are meant to be together I guess it will happen. If we're not it won't.

I think it is the being on my own part that frightens me the most. He seems to have this great new life with a new circle of friends and I'm stuck on my own.

However, I am feeling more positive. Just knowing that he doesn't hate me has done that I think. I told him today I would hate for us to end up never speaking to each other again as we always got on so well. But I appreciate your comments that a clean break is probably best. I tend to be ruled by my heart but have got my own mind - I won't do anything stupid but guess you can't force yourself to stop loving ro caring for someone.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 06:59 AM   #9
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Hi everyone,

Well here it is then - Christmas Day

I have spent the day on my own as I had planned - am round my parents but they are round my aunts with the rest of the family. I told them that I was feeling unwell and so will be here for the rest of the day. It isn't as bad as I had thought but I am thinking of my ex a bit. I got him and everyone in his family presents and was hoping for at least a thank you text from him but so far nothing His aunt and nan have text me to say they are thinking of me but it isn't the same.

Will be glad when today is over and done with. I hate saying it as I always loved Christmas in the last but I'm just not in the mood this year

Hope that everyone else is having a peaceful day.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 07:35 AM   #10
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

That is a huge age difference when you are that young. I know you don't feel young but when you get as old as I am......you'll look back and see how young you were! Someone who is 16 is just immature no matter how mature they may appear. I was soooo mature for my age but looking back at 16, I was very immature! He is right now probably thinking he's missing out on something. He may figure out that he's not missed a darn thing and come back and you two can live happily ever after or not. I believe in fate too and if it's meant to be, it will be. I wouldn't take it personally because it's an issue with your BF, not with you.

Don't feel too dejected if you don't get a TY from his family. Family just doesn't have a clue what to do in a break up...I swear to goodness...I know this from experience!

Good luck to you and Merry Christmas!
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Old 12-25-2005, 09:21 AM   #11
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

Thanks keepsgoin.

I must say I am very surprised by how non-unhappy I am today. I thought it would be awful.

He text me about 20 mins ago just saying "merry christmas". Brief but still nice to receive.

Hope that you have a nice remainder of Christmas and thanks for your advice.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 11:02 AM   #12
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Re: Relationship break-up: Any advice?

You're welcome...and just remember...you have your whole life ahead of you! Things always seem to have a way of working out in the end. When you feel like your whole life sucks, something wonderful will happen and make it all worth while!
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