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Old 12-19-2005, 11:11 AM   #1
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reddoorblack HB User
Help needed...

I need your advice before I do something I might regret. A little background. I've been dating this guy for about 6 weeks now and I do like him although I'm starting to realize he is not emotionally available. I'm not too high up there on his priority list I think. The last three times we had plans he either canceled or completely blew me off. No call, no nothing.

Last Thursday we had made plans to get together. I was even planning on spending the night at his house (he lives about an hour from my house) and this would have been the first time we spent the night together. I'm all ready to leave and I get a call saying he can't do it; can't get a sitter for his son. Haven't heard from him in 3 days until this afternoon, I get an email from him. He wants to know what I'm doing Wednesday; wants me to come over and be sure to "pack an over night bag." I understand the sitter problem and that's not what is bothering me. This is the third time in a row he's canceled. One time, he totally left me hanging. No phone call. No nothing. I'm offended by his email. What kind of person does he think I am? I don't have casual sex. I think it's a huge step in a relationship and as far as I'm concerned, we don't have a relationship. Am I overeacting? I have this long email all written out and ready to send telling him how I feel. Should I confront him? Should I even respond to his email? Should I just let it go? He really didn't even ask me out for a date. It's was basically "come over and have sex with me!"

Last edited by reddoorblack; 12-19-2005 at 11:15 AM.

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 11:30 AM   #2
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Re: Help needed...

No, I do not think you are overeacting at all. Anyone who makes plans with you and then completely blows you off, not calling or apologizing or anything, is a real cad. They are only thinking about themselves. It sounds like this guy just wants you to be available for his convenience.

I would definetly write back to him, or call him, whatever, and let him know that you do not feel comfortable spending the night with him yet. Six weeks isn't that long to be dating someone, let alone sleeping with them. I'd tell him if he wants to see me, then he can take me out to dinner and a movie (or play, concert, what have you).

Please don't fall all over yourself trying to accomodate this guy. Make it clear that you have your own life and can't plan it around him. He's going to have to work a heck of a lot harder if he wants to be with you, cause he sure doesn't seem to be doing too great of a job so far. I'd let him know that.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 11:33 AM   #3
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Re: Help needed...

Well, I would be offended too. Who does he think he is?! However, I strongly discourage you from sending him a long email, explaining how you feel. It will not get good results. I would send him a short email telling him I don't have time on Wednesday, but if he wants to go out on Friday (or whenver it's good for you), he can come pick you up. That should convey the message.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 11:44 AM   #4
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reddoorblack HB User
Re: Help needed...

Another thing... he always wants me to drive to meet him. He never wants to meet me where I live. The last three times he's made plans with me (and canceled) was to drive to his house. It's never an official "date." At first, he used to take me to dinner or for drinks. He even cooked dinner for me once. Now it's always "come over" "bring an overnight bag." He never asks me to go to a movie, to a club, to dinner, etc. This guy is amazing. Most guys aren't so transparent about wanting to sleep with a girl, are they? I just hope I'm not overreacting. Generally, I really do like him. He's fun to be around and a really nice guy. Maybe he's just one of those guys who is oblivious when it comes to dating etiquette. Who knows?

 
Old 12-19-2005, 11:50 AM   #5
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Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoorblack
Another thing... he always wants me to drive to meet him. He never wants to meet me where I live. The last three times he's made plans with me (and canceled) was to drive to his house. It's never an official "date." At first, he used to take me to dinner or for drinks. He even cooked dinner for me once. Now it's always "come over" "bring an overnight bag." He never asks me to go to a movie, to a club, to dinner, etc. This guy is amazing. Most guys aren't so transparent about wanting to sleep with a girl, are they? I just hope I'm not overreacting. Generally, I really do like him. He's fun to be around and a really nice guy. Maybe he's just one of those guys who is oblivious when it comes to dating etiquette. Who knows?
You should TEACH him some etiquette, then! LOL. I mean, if he's just clueless, he'll be willing to comply. Tell him you want to go out. Ask him to drive to your place. See what he does. In my view, a man in his mid 30s should not be THAT clueless, especially a well educated man like he is.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 11:54 AM   #6
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Re: Help needed...

I do think that after the initial courting stage of taking a woman out formally, it's turns a little more casual and the woman usually just comes over sometimes, but not all the time! They should still take you out on dates occasionally.

Reddoor, I don't think you should answer his email at all. I think you should do a disappearing act on this guy for about a week. What have you got to lose?

Don't answer his emails or his phone calls; leave your answering machine on, so it looks like you are out of town or something. Let him "sweat"! I know...I know...it's a game. But...it's a game that works more often than not.

Just my two cents! Now, it's time for you to pull back.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 11:58 AM   #7
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Re: Help needed...

Hello Red!! I am so sorry I have not been on much this month .. anyway..
Some guys are clueless .. honestly when he said to pack an overnight bag maybe he was implying that he wanted to have you all night to himself because you have not been able to spend alot of time together.

My boyfriend is kind of clueless too but honestly he means well. Also, with you always coming to visit him .. he may not know that it is bugging you that you do all the driving unless you tell him .. hey I just got this great movie come over and watch it with me .. I'll make you dinner and you can see my christmas tree or whatever ..

Sometimes we expect guys to KNOW things and they just dont. You have to ask, and I wouldnt asume that he wants you to spend the night to get some .. uh .. action ... but in your reply just mention that his couch is comfy and you are happy to stay the night there .. on the couch ... or something like that.

I wish you all the best ...
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Old 12-19-2005, 12:09 PM   #8
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Re: Help needed...

I don't think you're over-reacting, but I also wouldn't send him a long e-mail detailing your feelings. I doubt he'll respond the way you're hoping he will. I'd just explain to him that you're looking for more of a relationship than what seems to be developing between the two of you, and move on. If he's acting this way after 6 weeks, I seriously doubt it's going to get better. This should be the wooing phase (by that I mean when you both are on your most attentive and best behavior), and he's not wooing you, he's just calling on you when it's convenient and he wants company. Why waste your time on that?

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:10 PM   #9
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reddoorblack HB User
Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by greeneyes100
Don't answer his emails or his phone calls; leave your answering machine on, so it looks like you are out of town or something. Let him "sweat"!
Too late. I already responded. I said:

"I知 sorry but I知 not able to do a mid-week all nighter. I already have plans plus I have work in the morning. I知 free Friday night if you would like to make plans to go out."

The ball is in his court now. If he wants to see me (real date) he'll have to call me.

Last edited by reddoorblack; 12-19-2005 at 12:10 PM.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:13 PM   #10
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reddoorblack HB User
Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdrop333
Sometimes we expect guys to KNOW things and they just dont. You have to ask, and I wouldnt asume that he wants you to spend the night to get some .. uh .. action ... but in your reply just mention that his couch is comfy and you are happy to stay the night there .. on the couch ... or something like that.
Normally I wouldn't make that assumption but get this---The last time he asked me to come over and to "pack an over night bag" he asked me if I was on any sort of "protection." It's safe to say what he's got in mind. At least offer to take me to dinner and a movie first!!!

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:13 PM   #11
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoorblack
Too late. I already responded. I said:

"I知 sorry but I知 not able to do a mid-week all nighter. I already have plans plus I have work in the morning. I知 free Friday night if you would like to make plans to go out."

The ball is in his court now. If he wants to see me (real date) he'll have to call me.
That sounds good, Red! He's not stupid, he'll know exactly what you mean.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:14 PM   #12
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Re: Help needed...

Very good responce Red. I was wondering .. I know that he has a son .. are you guys doing 'family' activities like .. seeing a movie together? I am a single parent and I know how hard it can be (and how guilty I feel) when I am away from my daughter even if it is just for a few hours on a Saturday night.

I dont know how either of you would feel about it .. but you may want to think along thoes lines to see eachother more often .. also .. when the child is around there won't be any .. uh .. expectations that you are not ready to deal with like being more intimate than you want.

Anyway .. Good luck!
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Old 12-19-2005, 12:14 PM   #13
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holst HB User
Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoorblack
Too late. I already responded. I said:

"I知 sorry but I知 not able to do a mid-week all nighter. I already have plans plus I have work in the morning. I知 free Friday night if you would like to make plans to go out."

The ball is in his court now. If he wants to see me (real date) he'll have to call me.
That was a perfect reply. You have to set some ground rules that get the message across that you are not just available at his whim. You did good! Good luck.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:18 PM   #14
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Help needed...

Quote:
Originally Posted by reddoorblack
Too late. I already responded. I said:

"I知 sorry but I知 not able to do a mid-week all nighter. I already have plans plus I have work in the morning. I知 free Friday night if you would like to make plans to go out."

The ball is in his court now. If he wants to see me (real date) he'll have to call me.
Great job! You didn't go into detail about your feelings and you were not available exactly at the time he wanted you. See, you can take your power back in a relationship anytime you want to. The key is not to let him know exactly what you are thinking or feeling. Once you do that, he has all the power to manipulate you.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 12:19 PM   #15
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Re: Help needed...

Oh my gosh, I didn't see the post about the 'protection' until after I submitted my reply .. oh boy .. he is a persumptious one ..
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