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Old 12-19-2005, 02:21 PM   #1
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Question What do I do with this one?

Hi all. I posted here before and got good feedback on the now official relationship I'm in. ***thank you****

So currently my boyfriend (the one I asked advice on before regarding dating). and I were talking about the earlier stages of our relationship.. and I brought up this one weekend right after we slept together 3 months ago.

This is what happened (to recap). We slept together for the first time on a Friday, and that weekend we both went to a college campus 5 hours away (as we were both alumni and happened to be going to an event there). I asked him if he wanted to meet up out there and he said yes. When I got out there I text messaged him like at 9pm.. and he called me at 2am. the conversation wasn't too logical as he was drunk. The next two days he didn't call.. and by Sunday I figured he wasn't interested in me.

Well.. that Monday I found an e-mail from him saying he wanted to see me. I told him I felt bad about not hearing from him out there. He said that his phone ran out of batteries and he forgot to bring his charger, hence why he didn't get back to me.

Well, last Friday he told me that on that Saturday three months ago his phone did actually work all day (although he did forget his charger) -- and that on that weekend he went on a date with an old flame and her two girlfriends. he mentioned that it was then he *decided* that he wanted only to be exclusive with me.

I'm hurt by this information. not so much that he went on a date (although naturally this makes me feel bad), but that he lied...AND he only told me this story because he mistakenly thought his friend told me. (as he found out his friend had been telling me a lot of information)... but not this piece of info.

Well.. it's in the past I know. but he demonstrated that he lies when he thinks they'll be negative consequences.

What do you guys think? I'm really hurt and sort of want my space for the next week. And of course I don't want to be the one that re-hashes information, but I still feel bad and demeaned.

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 02:30 PM   #2
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Here is something I read written by a psychologist who specializes in love relationships. Sometimes, when a man feels he is getting emotionally attached to one woman, he will temporarily find other women more appealing. He is going through a stage called "uncertainty" and men often pull away and date other women for awhile. This helps the man realize whether they really want to be exclusive with the current romantic interest. Yes, he did lie. But, he doesn't sound like the type of man who lies consistently. He didn't want to hurt you.

It is you he came back to. This is a good sign. Try not to overanalyze this one incident. If he is treating you well now and he has agreed to be exclusive, then just go from here.

Many women do not realize how a man will temporarily pull away from a woman when they start to get emotionally attached. If you understand this, you can forgive him and let your relationship move forward. Good luck!

 
Old 12-19-2005, 02:33 PM   #3
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Thanks green eyes. I feel like you're right.. like I was sort of thinking that but I didn't want to get 'steped on' by justifying it.

I'm still slightly hurt. would it be completely bad if I just took my space for a couple days, but didn't cite that as the reason? Or how do you tell someone you want space without hurting their feelings?

 
Old 12-19-2005, 02:35 PM   #4
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Re: What do I do with this one?

(message repeated itself three times)

Last edited by whiteslopes; 12-19-2005 at 02:39 PM.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 02:37 PM   #5
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Re: What do I do with this one?

(message repeated itself three times)

Last edited by whiteslopes; 12-19-2005 at 02:39 PM.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 07:16 PM   #6
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Yes, it would be a good idea for you to back away at this time. If he calls or emails, don't answer for a little while. Let him sweat. Right now, he has the upper hand in your relationship. Take your power back and lay low for awhile.

Get busy with friends and family. After he calls a few more times (after you have not answered his calls for at least a few days), then pick up the phone and act completely normal and happy. Don't let on that you were worried in any way. Don't let him know anything at this point...let him wonder and let him SWEAT. I'm sure, once he realizes how much he misses you (and if you give him a chance to miss you), he will be back like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

Good luck.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 07:27 PM   #7
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Don't know what happened to my last post. But, I think, yes, you should lay low for awhile. Do not answer his calls or emails for a while, maybe a week.

Give him a chance to miss you. Right now, he has the upper hand in the relationship. Take your power back by pulling back from him. After he calls (and you don't answer for awhile), act completely normal and absolutely happy. Don't let him know, in any way, that you were concerned. Keep him mystified.

Surround yourself with famlly and friends now and stay happy...very, very happy (without him).

Pretty soon (after you give him the chance to miss you), he will be back like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

Good luck!

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:23 AM   #8
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Thanks greeneyes,

BTW- I've been keeping up on your story..lol.. it's like a novel. hope all works out with you....glad craig's out of the picture..

Alright, well he called me yesterday and I was at a get together so I didn't answer the phone. I called back and he had his phone turned off.. so I left a message to tell him that I got his missed call.

This morning he called to ask if I was busy tonight or if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night.

I really want to hang out with him. I'm worried though, that if I do he'll think I don't respect myself enough to take his lying seriously...(you know maybe subconsciously) so in turn he won't take me seriously.

should I hold off hanging out until this Thursday..(which would be saying no for Tuesday and Wednesday) and if so.. what reasons should I give as to not hurt his feelings?

Last edited by whiteslopes; 12-20-2005 at 09:25 AM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:51 AM   #9
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Quote:
Originally Posted by whiteslopes
Thanks greeneyes,

BTW- I've been keeping up on your story..lol.. it's like a novel. hope all works out with you....glad craig's out of the picture..

Alright, well he called me yesterday and I was at a get together so I didn't answer the phone. I called back and he had his phone turned off.. so I left a message to tell him that I got his missed call.

This morning he called to ask if I was busy tonight or if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night.

I really want to hang out with him. I'm worried though, that if I do he'll think I don't respect myself enough to take his lying seriously...(you know maybe subconsciously) so in turn he won't take me seriously.

should I hold off hanging out until this Thursday..(which would be saying no for Tuesday and Wednesday) and if so.. what reasons should I give as to not hurt his feelings?
I think I got your post mixed up with another one I was responding to. Yes, if you want to see him and he calls in advance, then see him. But don't always be available when he wants to see you. If you really want to get him to commit to you, he's got to be afraid of losing you. So, if you get really busy and are not always available, he will get nervous and wonder what is up.

Don't answer all of his calls either. Wait until he calls a couple of times and then call back. If he asks you why you didn't call, just say you got busy and forgot to call. Keep being a bit of a challenge and you can get your man!

I'm glad you've been reading my posts. I still have not heard from Craig, but he is out of town for the Holidays. I'm wondering if he is going to get back in touch when he gets back, but now I don't think so.

I am very excited about this new man I recently started dating named Keith. He is so romantic and treats me like a queen and he wants a long term relationship. He already turned off his profile at the site where I met him! I was so flattered. It feels really good to be treated well and not just alike another "lay".

I do think that Craig was starting to develop some feelings for me, but the reason it didn't work was because I got too emotional too soon and it scared him away. Guys are funny like that. If you get too emotional, it scares them off.

I really didn't get that emotional, I just told him I wanted to know where I stood with him and that I didn't want to be a "booty call" anymore. He got really upset and said I was expecting too much because we have only had about 5 dates. Then he said he wanted to see me before he left for the Holidays, and I told him my schedule was too full. Haven't heard from him since! I"m wondering what he will do when he comes back and sees that my profile has been de-activated.

I really consider it pretty much over though and I don't think he will get in touch again. It's just that he turned me on sexually so much!

But Keith turns me on too. We have not had sex yet, just fooled around.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 11:12 AM   #10
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Stacey, you give really good advice, and I am not telling her to be rude or distrustiing with him. What I am saying is that if she is not quite as available like she was in the past, he will appreciate her more and will be less inclined to pull away like he did before.

I have seen this happen in relationships too many times and in my own relationships, so I know for a FACT that it is not manipulation, but teaching a man to appreciate you and not take you for granted.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 01:29 PM   #11
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Re: What do I do with this one?

not sure what you should do, but I just wanted to say this reminds me of an episode of everybody loves raymond, where Robert told Amy, that he was thinking about getting back together with Joanne (his ex), and they went out and he decided that he would stay with Amy. Boy was she pizzed.....she was screaming at him, so I'm suppossed to be HAPPY that you picked ME !

 
Old 12-22-2005, 08:54 AM   #12
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Re: What do I do with this one?

haha. Rose that's funny. that show is very real sometimes..

In response to the other posts...
Ok, I didn't rehash it with him, which is why I posted the question here. My intention was to consider my thoughts on the board. Though I'm against re-hashing and want to show consideration for him, I'm also weighing in that my feelings need to either be acknowledged as valid...through taking my own time.. or significant in some sense. (I can't help what I feel, right?)

My main worry wasn't that he went to another woman, it was that he lied about being unavailable on Saturday after understanding how significant sex was to me that last Friday. He re-assured me that his values were the same on the subject.. and he would re affirm this by being supportive and calling.. (this before anything happened..) and my general approach was, " you know, if you're not 'there' with me, then we shouldn't sleep together as it's very emotional and sensitive for me."

Well, he went on a date and didn't call and then lied about it. O.k... I can understand that in a bizarre man-like way that men are weird about committing.. I will understand that. But then on top of it, he comes clean after having a misunderstanding that I already knew the information... you know??? For me this establishes a shade of character.. that he will only be honest when he thinks he'll get caught. And yes, he's been sweet and all.. but it has only been 4 months, not a long time to fall 100% into trusting someone 100%. I believe time and behavior demonstrates character, not sentiment and romance.

So.. I haven't brought it up since. I'm in love with him, and will let this one go. However, I'm going to pay attention to his general approach regarding the truth in the future.

BTW, on a purely sentimental level, he's a major hottie. I feel lucky to be with him, and won't bring this up again. And In this board inspired influence, I won't be a nag and re-hash. Thanks guys!! I'll keep you posted

Last edited by whiteslopes; 12-22-2005 at 08:55 AM.

 
Old 12-22-2005, 02:15 PM   #13
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Re: What do I do with this one?

Forget about this incident. He now knows what he want (you). Obviously, he"s not using you.

 
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