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Old 12-19-2005, 04:31 PM   #1
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2muchthinking HB User
Question Relationship advice needed please

I've recently gotten back into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years. He was the one who left me and during this time was very confused/selfish? and didn't treat the situation or me very well.

We got back together once a little while ago as I think he realised he was about to lose me for good. We saw each other again for 3 weeks but things weren't feeling right and my heart wasn't in it so I broke up with him. He was very understanding about this and even agreed with me.

On a chance meeting a few weeks later, he started the contact up again and to cut to the chase - he is now living with me again in my house.

Lately though I have been feeling so confused about if I want to stay with him or not. I keep going to one decision to the next and recently I have told him how I've been feeling. Since then it feels like we have reversed the situation from the first time as he is the one getting very emotional/teary and I am the one who feels like the bad guy.

I do love him but I think I am holding some resentment still about how cold heartedly he behaved when he originally left me. He knows he acted badly and really does seem genuinely sorry about it and I can see he is making a huge effort to try to fix things again. I know I shouldn't hold onto past times - I know I've made mistakes myself and then regreted them, but I just can't shake the feeling off.....it happens every so often and takes me by suprise.

I also realise that my attitude needs re-adjusting. He says that I am not as close and affectionate as I was once and he's not sure if I'm ever going to be the same again. I'm not sure either. I guess I feel that if i let my guard down he could get up and leave again.

My question is - do you think it's possible for a relationship to heal properly after a huge rift has been opened? Or are we wasting our times? If it is possible, what can I do to try to help it and let go of this resentment/fully forgive him? Or is it possible that I have growen away from him during the time apart? I honestly feel like my head is going to explode from all this thinking and indecision! I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to live a lie...and by that I mean I don't know if I'm lying to myself about different things . I switch my thinking several times in an hour lately and when I feel i have make a decision I don't trust it because I know it will change again in a matter of minutes/hours/days.

As I said before i do love him and I honestly cannnot see my life without him in it but then I'm not sure if I'm just scared of having no one once he's gone. Also I feel that I am affected by what other peoples views are as well - I seem to have an inability to just concentrate on what I want. Not too happy about this either but I have a feeling that i've been like this for most of my life.

For the record he has never cheated on me or hurt me physically, he was into the more emotional stuff. And just so you know - he is 27 and I am 23.

If anyone could offer unbiased advice, thoughts, comments I would really appreciate it!

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 04:58 PM   #2
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turtlebug HB User
Re: Relationship advice needed please

Here's what I think: You should either forgive him or move on.

I think it's totally possible for a relationship to heal, but not if you continue to resent him for the hurt he caused you. (And that's definitely not an attack against you. I can understand why you would feel that way.) If you're willing to let go of the hurt, then set boundaries for yourself and try again. If you are too hurt to forgive right now, then let him go and heal yourself.

Last edited by turtlebug; 12-19-2005 at 05:01 PM.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 06:45 PM   #3
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muzicman66 HB User
Re: Relationship advice needed please

Well said.

 
Old 12-19-2005, 07:35 PM   #4
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Relationship advice needed please

Men tend to pull away when they feel more intimacy than they can handle at one time. I think this is exactly what happened in your situation. You need to understand this is what happened and trust him once again. If you really love him, give him another chance and open your heart once again.

If he keeps repeating the pattern, then that's a different story.

I had one boyfriend who left and came back about 3 times...in the end, he was ready to make a commitment. The only reason I was able to stay sane is because I never really loved him.

 
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