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Old 12-19-2005, 07:44 PM   #1
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She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

I need some advice. I've talked to my ex a couple times in the last week. She's wanting to come stay with me and the kids. I think she may have asked her husband if she could. She told me that they may not be going to WS on her birthday after all and when I said "you're not going to change you mind on me, are you?" she said "No, it's not like that at all" and that she would "Try her best" to come. She also said she slept all weekend. She only sleeps like that when she is depressed and can't deal with things. I am getting the vibe that she asked him and told her no how, no way, not ever. Or maybe she thinks either me or the kids may reject her and she needs an "out" if something happens. She thought that our youngest son didn't love her until I told her pretty much that today. She's a real football fan and I told her how he's getting his videos of last season together because he wants to sit and watch them with her and that he's been telling all his friends she's coming. He also got a new cell phone Sunday and tried to call her. (Her husband wouldn't let her answer the phone and then called back and left a grunt on the voicemail. Youngest son has never called her before Sunday.

So now she knows not only that I love her, but that both her sons love her and want her home. She says she wants to come, and will try her best.

I think the problem is the jealous, controlling, violent child molester she's stuck with. She fears that if she cuts ties with him she will have no one left because he's all she has and he needs her. I think she's afraid of him. Very afraid. This summer what I initially thought was adoration was unmistakably the look of fear in her eyes when the store didn't have his brand of cigarrettes.

I have learned how to call her and have the caller id show a local store or barber shop or something so she won't get hurt for me calling her. She can't afford the long distance to call me and that would show up on her bill too and that would cause problems. I am going to see her on the 30th come Hell or high water.

What I need advice on is, how do I convince her that I will not reject her and am trustworthy? How do I get her to see that my offer is permanent and I will never leave her again? How do I break this spell of fear that this evil man has on her and show her that I can protect her from him and anyone like him?

I want her back more than I want my next breath. I will not let a little pipsqueak of a man stand between us. But if I attack him and subdue him she may feel sorry for him and fear that I may hurt her someday. (Which I never would) I need to know a better way to rid him from our lives without endangering her or enraging him. Or making her feel like she abandoned him. I have never done anything like this before and need help. Any advice yall can give would help alot.

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 07:56 PM   #2
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

That's kind of a hard one because, why did you leave her to begin with? She apparently loved this man enough to marry him. Sounds like she needs some serious counseling to figure things out. I do feel really bad for the kids and I really hope for their sake she comes. Maybe you should back off and just let her be comfortable with the kids without her having to think she's going to be pressured. If she does come I would wait for HER to say something if she wants to come home. She seems really confused. Things will happen when they are supposed to. Pray for it and turn it over to God. Seriously...get down on your knees tonight and say "God, I am handing this over to you and you do what you will with it"............Don't freak out because something will happen. Good luck.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 04:15 AM   #3
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

"That's kind of a hard one because, why did you leave her to begin with? She apparently loved this man enough to marry him."

I left her 15 years ago because she cheated on me and was ignoring me. She ended up giving me ful custody of the kids and never called or visited again. This summer the kids wanted to see her for the first time and I took them. I thought I was over her until I saw her again. I have come to feel that she never wanted me to leave and has always wanted me back. She thought I hated her. I thought she hated me.

But when we were married I never helped with the kids, had promised I would join the army and didn't, was jealous, controlling, never helped around the house, didn't work, and wouldn't let her have any friends. I was a kid. A bad one.

I want her to understand that I'm not like that anymore. She needs to know I have grown up and can take care of her now and NEVER break a promise or my word now. I have learned what happens when you do that and I have vowed to never do that again. I want to take care of her. She has seen the job I have done with the kids. They have told her that I have always been there for them. I want her to believe I can and will do that for her too. We've talked privately 3 times in the last 15 years. She just learned I still care for her last Thursday. She just learned that her little boy wants her home yesterday. Until we talked she thought I hated her and never wanted to see her again. She's been stuck there in that town so long she doesn't know anything else anymore.

This is all very confusing and strange for her. It's completely out of her realm of experience. No one really knows how she will react to all this. I need help.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

I just tried to call her. Yesterday at the end of our conversation she said she had another call and that "major stuff" was happening and to call her back later. Today her husband answered. Thank God that the caller ID said it was the phone company. I gave him some speil about donating to kids for Christmas on his phone bill and he seemed to buy it. No, he didn't want to donate anything. But he did say he still hasn't gotten a phone bill. They've had a phone at least since August. That means she has kept it from him, paid it herself, and he doesn't know she's called her kids even once or anyone she's called when he's not there. Least I think that's what it means.

I am getting a picture of a really controlling, scary monster that she's stuck with. Right now I thank God for her devious, sneaky and conniving streak. I pray she's still good enough to pull this off. She needs away from this man more than you can imagine.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:10 AM   #5
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

I don't think that she's a kid either, can't she decide whether she wants to divorce him or stay with him? I am sure that the law would be by her side if he's such a scary monster!
Did she complain to you about his mistreatment to her? if not how do you know?

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:46 AM   #6
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

Maybe you should talk to her and see what you can do to help, show her that you are truley conserned and that you are truley in love with her. offer to go get her so she doesnt have to wait for him. she sounds really scared and confused. Show her how you feel. Hopefully that will ease some of her doubts.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 10:15 AM   #7
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

True she's not a kid either. But I think she is very, very afraid of him. She was assaulted a few years ago by a guy with a baseball bat. Her sister says it traumatized her. This guy was in prison for a long time. He knows how to talk tough.

She hasn't told me anything about her situation with him. Why? Because she is proud and doesn't want me or anyone else to feel sorry for her. She doesn't want me to come back because she is in a bad way. She wouldn't come back if she thought that. I know her. She's like that. She would never ask for help. I have seen the bruises. Her sister has seen them. I can see the situation with the phone. My son tells me about what goes on up there between her and her family him. I saw the fear in her eyes towards him this summer. He didn't even let her invite her own family to their wedding. I know her, she would have wanted them there. She would have at least told them if she could have.

She wants desperately to come here. I can hear it in her voice. She told me she wants to come.

But I know she is afraid. Afraid of him, what he has told her he will do to her if she leaves him, afraid of a new life, afraid of being all alone, afraid I will not keep my promises.

I want to ease her fears and give her a wonderful life. I WILL keep my promises to her. I need to make her want to be here so much that her fear won't matter anymore. That's what I need help with.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 10:24 AM   #8
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

There is no other way then than talking to her. But be careful, you are risking her safety by calling, and this doesn't help her in the least. Can't you email instead? Then once she accepts your offers of a better life, she needs to hire a lawyer, and be upfront with her husband and ask for divorce.

In the meanwhile, you should express your concerns to her, and reassure her, but again please do this as safe as possible...I have been physically abused by my ex once because one of my male friends rang me...to say nothing of some one who wants me to break up with him. But despite all my fears I broke up with him. No woman owes men who treat her like that anything. She needs to admit that to herself.
Good luck

Last edited by Nina000; 12-20-2005 at 10:25 AM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 02:30 PM   #9
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Re: She's Coming Home!!! Just one little problem though... HELP

There is no other way then than talking to her. But be careful, you are risking her safety by calling, and this doesn't help her in the least. Can't you email instead?


I'm not going to call anymore for a while. She knows enough to put it all together I think. I will see her soon. I can't email her because she doesn't have a computer and doesn't know how to use one at all. I know I am risking her safety. But she can't get to a safe place if she doesn't know about it. She didn't know I still love her, she didn't know our 16 year old loves her, she didn't know I wanted to talk to her this summer, she didn't know that we all want her home with us. I didn't know if she really cared about me or not. Now we both know all these things. She has around 10 days to come up with something. I will see her then. We will talk, and I will try my best to get her to come with me right then. I have a business lined up for her to take over and everything. She doesn't have to wait for her own money. I wanted to tell her that today. Didn't get to. I reckon it will have to wait until her birthday.

Now if I could just find a way to make these next few days pass faster. Where's that cyrogenic chamber thingy when you need it?

 
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