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Old 12-20-2005, 01:57 AM   #1
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sad79 HB User
cheated on after 10 years together

Hi i am new to this board. i feel so alone and helpless and i have no one to talk to. I have just moved to this country from europe and have no family here. it is just my boyfriend and i.

Anyway, we have been going out together for nearly 10 years. No we are not engaged, not from lack of wanting though! He just doesnt seem ready and always puts it off.

About 4 months ago (after only a month of living here) i find out that he cheated with a work colleague. I am devestated and dont know how to move on. I told one of my sisters but she is all i can speak to about this. I just dont know what to do. On one hand i really want to leave him and get on with my life but on the other hand i love him and dont know how to live a life without him in it.

We have talked about the "affair" (can i call it that even though we arent married??) I have tried to move on but i just cant get it out of my head. How could he do thid to me after 10 years together? Now im wondering if this is the first time it has happened even though he swears it it.

He is always going out with his friends from work, who i have never met, staying out all night drinking, while i am left here by myself with not one friend in this country. I feel like i am going mad!!

I just need some advice. As much as i want to get married i dont think i can now. Not after what he has done. Will i ever be able to trust him?

Please, any advice would be great.


 
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Old 12-20-2005, 05:33 AM   #2
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Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Can someone help me? Any advice would be a help

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:02 AM   #3
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Nina000 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

So sorry Sad about what you are going through....I know what it feels being alone and totally dependent on someone who unpredictablly and cruelly puts you down like that....
Yes you can and you should call it an affair even if you are not married. IT IS BETRAYAL...

Do you have no job yourself? Did you discuss with him how lonely you feel?
At the moment, despite all the hurt you are going through..it might be not practical to break up...I would try to get over him inside, look for a job and definitely socialise more. Go out, can't you? try to meet new people...

I am afraid that you won't be able to teach him a lesson unless you break free emotionally and mentally, then physically from him.
This can only be achievable if you meet other men/people.

Good luck and keep us updated

Last edited by Nina000; 12-20-2005 at 06:04 AM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:03 AM   #4
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Music4All HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Quote:
Originally Posted by sad79
He is always going out with his friends from work, who i have never met, staying out all night drinking, while i am left here by myself with not one friend in this country. I feel like i am going mad!!

I just need some advice. As much as i want to get married i dont think i can now. Not after what he has done. Will i ever be able to trust him?
Those behaviors are not the behaviors of a man that is dedicated to marital committment and to you. Cheating is a very serious betrayal. Even in the most sincere and heartfelt remorses, it takes all the focus and energy a betrayer can muster to regain trust. If he is not totaly dedicated to do what you need in a sacrificial way to show how sorry he is, it is not likely to work out long term.

Please don't think of marriage now. That would be the worst for you at this moment. Think of what you need and look with clear eye to his behaviors and decide if they are of the sort you expect from someone that betrayed your trust.

I wish you well. Be strong.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:16 AM   #5
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sad79 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Thanks Nina & Music4all for replying. Answering your questions... i have been in Australia for about 5 months now and have been unable to find a job... we are moving to Sydney in the new year. So when i say i have no friends, i really dont have a single friend here! Im so lonely. Even as i am writing this he has gone out to meet up with some friends. I cant beleive i am being so weak and allowing this to happen.

I feel stronger some days but then it all comes flooding back again. The worst thing is i cant just leave and go home. To do that i have to be 110% sure that it will be over for good and im not just yet. I dont know how to NOT be in a relationship with him.

I feel like im fighting a lost battle!!

Music4All - I totally agree with what you said about commitment... funny thing is this is how it has been throughout the 10 yrs we have been together..so he is hardly going to change now is he?

Thanks again for replying

 
Old 12-20-2005, 06:24 AM   #6
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Nina000 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Sad, I am not saying leave him now and go back home! On the contrary, if I were you, I would try to get really really strong...branch out...set a target and work hard on achieving it, something that would allow you to see this nice place and enjoy it!
On what basis did you come with this selfish man, if he's treating you like that from the start????????? He's awful!!!
Didn't you have certain plans when you came to Australia?
He seems so self-centered and disrespectful to you sorry to say, but this doesn't matter now, what matters is that you put down a plan on how to get yourself out of it...
Could you try and look for a job or something like that?

Last edited by Nina000; 12-20-2005 at 06:25 AM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 07:27 AM   #7
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sad79 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

i have a few jobs lined up for when we move to Sydney. I just havent been able to find one in the town we live in ( not through lack of trying!) Im talking to my friend about it now and she said he is like a drug to me. I have put up with it for so long its second nature to him now. We have been going out since we were 16 and we lived in the same town. I always thought he was my soul mate & i thought we had plans for marriage & kids etc. We said that once we came home from Australia we would settle down. Its just so confusing when the one person you thought you could trust goes and betrays you so badly. I really appreciate you replying to me.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 08:20 AM   #8
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dewdrop333 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

It is hard to leave someone after that long. I left my boyfriend after 8 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I had no idea how to be without him. I cried endlessly. However, I do not regret leaving him. We were not moving forward in our relationship. I cant help but feel like you are in the same place. After 10 years not marrying you (if that is something you want) .. cheating .. moving to a new country and leaving you home while he goes out and makes new friends.. this is not good. I understand you want to be SURE about leaving him .. but I dont know if that SURE feeling comes until its all over.

Be Strong yes ... but if I was you (and I was) I would go home. I did, I am SOO glad I did.
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Old 12-20-2005, 09:08 AM   #9
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mkwiedow HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

I totally agree with dewdrop. One Question, Why dont you go with him when he is going to see friends?

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:14 AM   #10
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Nina000 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Going home is really a good idea, given that you will be surronded by people who love you, your family and friends. However, it makes break-up very difficult, not only because you are physically away from him or because you go back to where you both used to live and shared memories, but also because you might think that he's moved on and you haven't.

I am also living in (Europe) and I am a foreigner. I am not the happiest person on earth with my BF. But I just can't think of going back home now. That said, I have a job and studies and the situation is a bit different.

Whatever you do, please keep on venting here. We are all here to listen to you and support you....so please keep coming here anytime you need to take it out of your system at the very least

Last edited by Nina000; 12-20-2005 at 09:16 AM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 09:42 AM   #11
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blueeyes05 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

if he was truley sorry that he cheated and he wanted to make things work with you then what is he doing out at all hours of the night with his friends still?, and not at home trying to work things out with you. I understand he still needs time alone but going out all night wouldnt be an option if he was really interested in making it work!

 
Old 12-20-2005, 03:30 PM   #12
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luvgirl HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

It appears to me Sad79 he doesn't or isn't taking you seriously as his partner in life. He wants the benefits of a relationship but isn't willing to work on the others factors that all relationships need. If I were in your shoes I'll swallow this 'affair' up and move on. You have to realize after 10 years and he cheated... it's not good. I would do what lots of women have done before. Treat him as a roommate that's helping you make a new life by lowering costs for you . Sorry I know I'm thinking on the financial side of things but heck girl be strong and show that guy what you're made of. Show him that you can be happy, be successful and have friends too. You can do all of that without him! Another suggestion I have is to go home like the others have said but not back to your hometown. Go somewhere close to your hometown that you can be independant but still have support from your family. Sorry if I sound very pushy but I'm a very independant type of person and you need to show him he can't push you around like he seems to be doing for the past 10 years!

 
Old 12-20-2005, 04:02 PM   #13
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Nina000 HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

I couldn't agree more luvgirl, especially regarding the roommate suggestion and lowering the costs

Last edited by Nina000; 12-20-2005 at 04:02 PM.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 07:20 PM   #14
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MIpigpen HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Quote:
Originally Posted by sad79
Hi

We have talked about the "affair" (can i call it that even though we arent married??) I have tried to move on but i just cant get it out of my head. How could he do thid to me after 10 years together? Now im wondering if this is the first time it has happened even though he swears it it.

He is always going out with his friends from work, who i have never met, staying out all night drinking, while i am left here by myself with not one friend in this country. I feel like i am going mad!!

I just need some advice. As much as i want to get married i dont think i can now. Not after what he has done. Will i ever be able to trust him?

Please, any advice would be great.


I am so sorry for you! A broken heart is pain like no other.

1st...yes AFFAIR is what you call it. 2nd...something like this is not something that you can "get out of your head" quickly. 3rd....think about what your partner has done to win you back and promise it will not happen again.

I read that 70% of men have cheated on their girlfirend/wife at least once during their relationship. (Not sure how that can be calculated) Only 30% of that 70% admit to doing it agian. Even once is horrible, but men are weak when sex is there.

My soon-to-be ex-husband was with an old college girlfriend and I was so surprised that I believed him when he said he called her and he would not ever talk to her again. (Oh, she even called me and told me the same...she's married and a mother of two small children). Five months later I found out they were still in a relationship.

God gave Jonah a 2nd chance. (sorry if this brief religion stuff is not great for you). Do you feel he should have a second chance? Does he want a second chance? Did you tell him he can have a second chance...but only that? If you can give him a second chance....I suggest you think about two things. 1) You gave him the 2nd chance and if you love him and beleive him-let him have a 2nd chance. This means...you need to trust him again. If you are trying to forgive him, you can't tell him you trust him and spend the next years of your life going thru his pants or wallet. 2) Perhaps talk to someone to help you emotionally just in case the next months are two much for you. Oh wait...3) I really do think when men cheat they really don't do it for the reasons women do. Ego,lack of control, thinking their still 20, yeah, that 19 year-old stripper really likes you-much like the 70 year old 300 lb man that just paid her for a lap dance...

I'm no expert..in fact..I was a fool...but after he acted like a 18 year old trying for something...he owes you. he needs to know it is not okay. Maybe even tell him YOU would like to put the wedding on hold.

You sound like a very nice, good hearted person. Us United States people are pretty cool. Don't believe the TV shows about those nasty, heartless women. Well...some are, but I live in a tough city and I have found some of the most wonderful female friends..(still, move on if their nasty-ha,ha)

Use these Boards. Update us. Give it time, but don't wait until you can't take care of yourself. Heck, if he got busted-you must be samrter than him!

Good luck.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 07:53 PM   #15
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MsInspiration HB User
Re: cheated on after 10 years together

Sad Hello,

I feel for you and the position you are in. I am an Australian, living in Melbourne but I have also lived in France where for a long while I did not know anyone else except for my husband. I can understand how lonely and isolated you must feel. Even though I am sure you don't feel very emotionally strong, perhaps now is the time to join some social groups and start little by little building up a network of friends. Perhaps you could volunteer with something that interests you - here in Australia we are always looking for volunteers for so many things.

As for the betrayal, I have once been cheated on in a long term relationship. It was the most hurtful and devasting thing I have ever gone through. We went to counselling for about a year after the affair, the counselling certainly helped us. Our relationship failed for another reason - but in had nothing to do with infidelity (in fact I ended up trusting him more that any person I ever have - because we both learnt some painful lessons out of that experience).

If you are unsure what to do, don't make any irreversable decisions just yet. But do start to get out and make some friends, as soon as you start to feel stronger about yourself - the answers will come to you.

If you need any help regarding Australia just let me know! Big hug, keep strong.

 
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