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Old 12-20-2005, 06:56 AM   #1
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Can you just fall out of love like this?

Ive been talking to my very recent ex-boyfriend the past 3 nights, who just started dental school this year and broke up with me a month ago. We were together 2 years, had the most intense relationship, and I just knew he was The One, vice versa.
We had been having trouble for a month, but he says to him it seemed longer than that because, when things started getting difficult, he started thinking back to all of our other fights in our past (specifically this past summer, he said). And I did too, I think its normal to do that when times are rough- but I always went back to the fact that the positives outweight the negatives, even in a time of challenge like this was. However, he told me last night he thought it was getting more negative than positive. It makes me feel like he lost sight of everything we had.
He started failing tests and was horribly stressed and overwhelmed and said he felt like he was treating me really badly and didnt want to treat me badly for the next 2 years (the hardest part of dental school until after the board exams). He said he couldnt give me the love, affection, attention, and time I needed and should have as a girlfriend.
He says he doesnt feel like he is in love with me right now. He said he cant pinpoint when it changed. He says he feels that if its meant to be, it will work out and we will end up together. When I asked him how he can do tihs to someone he loved so much, he said sometimes people don't know how to handle love properly if things complicate it.
To me, we had an amazing relationship. We had our arguments and differenecs here and there but so does everyone. but I never saw a break-up coming like this- he was my rock, my best friend. Im still lost, in shock, and devastated after a month.
What I'm wondering is, can people really just fall out of love with someone they seem SO in love with so quickly? He said he had wanted to marry me. Looking back, he wasnt treating me that well about a month before the break-up; however, I just assumed he was stressed/having a rough life change, and I was sticking by (although having a hard time). Im not one to just give up on someone over just a month of roughness. It really devastates me to know I trusted someone so much and their feelings had just changed like that. Is it true that intense feelings like these can just go away/change so fast? Is it more a product of bad timing? It makes me feel that our whole relationship wasnt what I thought it was, and when I say that he gets really upset and tells me he meant everything he always said/did.

Last edited by lady346; 12-20-2005 at 06:59 AM.

 
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Old 12-20-2005, 08:56 AM   #2
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

I know how devastated you must feel. But this happens all the time. And, it probably has nothing to do at all with YOU. He probably isn't ready for commitment at this time. I'm sure he at least thought he loved you, but people change and grow and when they do, their feelings sometimes change.

Please don't let this make you feel unloveable in any way. You have got to realize it has nothing to do with you as a person.

Just let him go gracefully. Don't call or email or try to change his mind. It will only make him move farther away from you.

Now, there is a possibility, that, with time, he might want to come back. Sometimes, when a man fears intimacy, and starts to feel it, he will pull away from someone he truly cares about. The worst thing you can do is to pursue him and try to get him back. If it's meant to be, he will come back. Then, if you still love him and want him back, you can start fresh.

If, however, he leaves and comes back more than 2 or 3 times and still cannot make up his mind, then he not worth anymore effort.

For now, what you should do is surround yourself with the support of family and friends. Post an online dating ad and start meeting new men. Stay as busy and possible and pamper yourself. Join a gym and get buff! If you do bump into him, smile and act like you are happy, happy, happy! The best revenge is to be happy without this man. Take care and good luck.

Remember, there are lots of fish in the sea and love is always better the second time around (or even third, fourth, or fifth, for that matter).

 
Old 12-20-2005, 10:39 AM   #3
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

I totally agree with GE here, the more you pursue him, the more he will persist. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, but maybe he needs space. It sounds that you two went through a lot. Give him time during which he will definitely appreciate you and miss you more.

I broke up with my ex, and it was so hard...I wanted out of this relationship desperately. And yet, once, he'd gone, I knew endless pain....and realised how much I loved him....We are not back together because our relationship was not fixable at all.....I am sure, yours will be fine

 
Old 12-20-2005, 12:42 PM   #4
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

I really feel for you as I am going through something very similar. Its the not knowing and having so many things going through your mind that makes it so hard.

My bf left abuot 3 months ago under similar circumstances and I have found it very very hard. However the mass of bad feeling starts to break down and I now find myself having bad periods but good periods too.

Even though it is hard, and I am the worst person for taking this advice, it probably is best to give him space. That way he will realise what not having you in his life truly means. It will no doubt be hard for you but try to find someone close you can turn to when it feels too much.

My heart really goes out to you though, especially at this time of year when it all seems to be happy couples

Keep smiling and wish you all the best x

 
Old 12-20-2005, 03:41 PM   #5
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

I really appreciate all the responses. And I agree with all of you. I gave him space/left him alone for almost a whole month, while he told me he would hope to have answers for me after his finals were over. Finally, here I am (hence talking to him so much lately) and it just seems that I cant control myself. I am so devastated that I didnt see this coming.
I really feel like he wont come back. and even if he did, could I ever be confident being with him again? but I want him back so badly- he was my everything.
It hurts to know that something that seems so strong just changes so fast. And that he felt that it was better to leave me. I just have a hard time thinking about the future- he was everything I wanted in every single way- the large things and the small, shallow things. The most gorgeous guy, totally my type, and very moral and sweet and caring and respectful. We had so much in common. How do I not compare every single person with him from now on?

 
Old 12-20-2005, 04:00 PM   #6
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by citygirl23
I really appreciate all the responses. And I agree with all of you. I gave him space/left him alone for almost a whole month, while he told me he would hope to have answers for me after his finals were over. Finally, here I am (hence talking to him so much lately) and it just seems that I cant control myself. I am so devastated that I didnt see this coming.
I really feel like he wont come back. and even if he did, could I ever be confident being with him again? but I want him back so badly- he was my everything.
It hurts to know that something that seems so strong just changes so fast. And that he felt that it was better to leave me. I just have a hard time thinking about the future- he was everything I wanted in every single way- the large things and the small, shallow things. The most gorgeous guy, totally my type, and very moral and sweet and caring and respectful. We had so much in common. How do I not compare every single person with him from now on?

I know what you're going through, I know it's hard, and I think it's only natural that every man you see will fall so short in every way for a while, but hopefully in time, that will change. I dont' believe true love changes like that overnight. I think it's closer to the truth to say he realized he never really was in love in the first place. I know it's hard not to feel betrayed, and hard not to feel he lied to you, maybe he thought he meant what he said when he said it, but things changed for him.

I agree with Stacy, though. I believe giving someone who has already rejected you another chance is only giving them another chance to reject you again. He's made his choice, and you need to do whatever you have to do to move on with your life, as hard as that sounds. When I went through the same thing, I went through a period of about a month where I wrote two notes to my ex, left a very long message on his answering machine, and even drove by his house on Valentine's Day. As driven as I was to do these things, and as much as I don't think I could have stopped myself, I am now embarrassed I didn't walk away more gracefully, in fact I wish I had been the one to break up in the first place, looking back I really should have, and deep down knew I should have but didn't. When your whole future changes in a blink of an eye, the house you were going to live in, the husband, the kids, what dinner every night was going to be like, what the weekends were going to be like with your growing family, all of a sudden, that's all gone, and the future is suddenly black, a big void you can't see anything good in. But just because you can't see it doesn't mean there can't be something there. You didn't know what the future held before you met this guy, either, and even if you do meet your prince charming, you never really know what the future holds. All we can really do is stand on our own two feet, follow our own bliss, and hope for the best. Myself, I made a big career change after my break up, which I don't think I ever would have done if I had stayed with the guy, and I love my new career so much more than the old one, and am so much happier in my work. I love not hating Sunday evenings because it meant the weekend's almost over and I have to go back to work the next morning, and I love not waking up with a knot in my stomach, dreading what I will have to do today. I talked about making a career change when I was with him, but he didn't want me to, thought I was too old and it was just too late in the game, and we needed to keep things moving.

I know the pain won't go away overnight, and you will miss him for a good while, but please try to resist the temptation to shelf the rest of your life and put everything else on hold. You still have you, and all your hopes and goals and dreams, and everything you've worked so hard for up till now. He's not worth losing all that. No man is. It will take a while, but I think in time, when you're back on your feet, you'll start to see men individually and judge them by their own merits rather than think about how they measure up to your ex.

Last edited by Hiya; 12-20-2005 at 04:01 PM.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 07:20 PM   #7
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Oh my god...he could really not be in love with me from the beginning? How, if it was so intense...? I just knew he was The One and he said the same...

 
Old 12-20-2005, 07:40 PM   #8
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

i know this is so hard for you right now. but i think it's in your best interest to believe your boyfriend when he says he was truthful about his feelings for you. the fact is, people don't fall in or out of love overnight. it's more like a balancing act- sometimes when the cons of the relationship start to outweigh the pros, it seems like a better idea to move on. i know you feel blindsided, and like you can't trust your judgement anymore, but the fact is that he wasn't entirely vocal about his feelings. how were you supposed to know if he wasn't talking to you about it? you're not a mind-reader.

everyone has said it already- the best thing you can do is assume that it's over, and start doing what you need to do to feel better. don't contact him, and if you do have a weak moment where you want to, come here and we will tell you why that's not the best thing for you.

you will be okay. we have all been through it at one time or another, so we are living proof that life you will make it through this.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 11:15 AM   #9
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Its just hard to not have hope. I agree with you all and am really trying to take your advice. When he says that his stress caused him to think that our relationship was problematic, but that he doesnt know whether this change of heart is permanent or not, it just makes me think he will realize that he made a huge mistake.
He said when your situation is bad (dental school) it paints a bleak picture for everything else, and he said he felt like he wasn't there for me before (during the summer when we had a few arguments) and that it was getting progressively worse. but it seems as though its his attitude on life now due to stress. I guess I just think- if he thought THIS relationship was bad, he is going to have a hard time finding anything better- Im sure it's wrong to think so, I just can't help but feel that way.
He already said he will never find anyone like me...
Ive thought he was depressed for multiple reasons, and lately he just keeps beating himself up, saying he's a sh**&y person and asking me if I hate him. I guess I just have so many questions and I know I cant get the answers.
I'm really trying to assume its over, I really am. It just seems so surreal. If anyone has any more words, I'm very grateful.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 11:26 AM   #10
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

The thing is, that stress is always there. School stress, then work stress, then kid stress .. do you honestly want to have to worry that when things get rocky he will bolt again? This thought helped me alot ..

What if you two get back together right ... then get married and you get pregnant .. well talk about some stress ... do you want to be sitting alone on a couch pregnant while he runs off to decide if this stress is something he can deal with or not?

Life is hard .. bad things happen but so do good things ... if he can't stick it out now and he is only dealing with school not school/wife/kids/job/money issues ... how the heck would he cope with all of that?

I know HONESTLY that this is painfull. I kept thinking my ex would realize he made a huge mistake .. he even asked me to wait ... asked me to hang on while he figured out what he wanted ... and my responce was ... if you dont know by now then you will never know. If it is that easy to walk away from me and your child after 8 years ... then I dont need you ... I need someone that wants to work through the hard times ...

I feel for you ... but I agree with everyone here ... if he wants to go ... better to let him go.

I dont know if I would go so far as to say he never loved you .. but perhaps he never loved you the same way you loved him.

I wish you well.
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Old 12-21-2005, 11:27 AM   #11
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Do you think he'd be willing to go into counseling at his school while you guys take a break? Mine's trying to look into getting over his depression now that he realizes that he is depressed and that school is probably the cause of it. He's also realizing that along with the depression from school is self-destructive behavior which includes trying to push away anything good in his life, which included me, in an effort (not conscious) to make himself even more miserable. I don't understand why he would think of doing that and he doesn't even understand why he would do that. We're hoping that some outside help will shed some light on it and maybe help him get over it (in a non-medicated manner--definitely no depression drugs). Lots of love and luck. While we're still working on things, it's not like it was before--I don't know if it ever will. I know he's really trying to give more of himself in this relationship but I don't know if he'll be able to give all of himself again. I'm just taking it day by day ...

 
Old 12-21-2005, 11:43 AM   #12
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

citygirl, i know exactly how you feel. my ex-boyfriend said the same exact thing to me: i'll never find anyone like you. now that's it's been over a year since we broke up, i can laugh about that statement, because that shouldn't have been a concern for him- clearly, he didn't WANT to find anyone like me!

our situations are similar, so let me give you the only advice i have, since i have the benefit of a year's hindsight. just let him go. i know what you mean about things being really good between you guys, but as time goes on you will gain more perspective. you are way too close to the situation right now. it took me a while, but what i finally realized is that even if i thought we were the best of friends, i couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with me. and the thing that i am most proud of myself for now, after all is said and done, is that when he walked away the last time, i never contacted him again. i would not beg for him. he recently began another relationship, and although i was slightly upset at first, i quickly realized that she will never replace me. it may sound vain, but i was a really really good girlfriend and friend to him. as i'm sure that you were to your boyfriend. and at least i walk away with the knowledge that i gave 100% and it's his problem if he didn't want it anymore.

i absolutely promise that you will be okay. there probably is some element of stress and depression involved with his decision, but you can't try to convince him to stay with you, or save him. you are very young, and have so much great stuff ahead of you. keep as busy as possible, even when you just want to stay home and cry. that will only prolong your pain. change everything that you've ever wanted to change about your life, so that if he does come back to you, you have something to show for the time you were apart. come here and vent whenever you need to.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 11:44 AM   #13
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by citygirl23
Its just hard to not have hope. I agree with you all and am really trying to take your advice. When he says that his stress caused him to think that our relationship was problematic, but that he doesnt know whether this change of heart is permanent or not, it just makes me think he will realize that he made a huge mistake.
He said when your situation is bad (dental school) it paints a bleak picture for everything else, and he said he felt like he wasn't there for me before (during the summer when we had a few arguments) and that it was getting progressively worse. but it seems as though its his attitude on life now due to stress. I guess I just think- if he thought THIS relationship was bad, he is going to have a hard time finding anything better- Im sure it's wrong to think so, I just can't help but feel that way.
He already said he will never find anyone like me...
Ive thought he was depressed for multiple reasons, and lately he just keeps beating himself up, saying he's a sh**&y person and asking me if I hate him. I guess I just have so many questions and I know I cant get the answers.
I'm really trying to assume its over, I really am. It just seems so surreal. If anyone has any more words, I'm very grateful.
Of course it will take time for it to really sink in. But the things you have to consider are:

If he's stressed because of school and can't decide if he wants to be with you through hard times like dental school, what would happen if you married and one of you got really sick or the market crashed or one of you lost your work/business and suffered severe financial distress? What if you had a child who was born with a severe illness or developmental problem? What if the stress of daily life wears on for a few years, then a pretty young assistant joins his office and starts hitting on him mercilessly, making him feel attractive and young and "alive" again? Life is going to throw you both all kinds of curve balls. If his love for you isn't strong enough to handle dental school...

I am still in the process of learning that there really aren't any answers that will make you feel any better. My ex said we just weren't compatible enough, we started to argue all the time about mostly political and religious differences. He claimed his main issues were that I wasn't Catholic enough. He drew a really hard line, and constantly gave me grief about the fact that I didn't turn my nose up at divorce enough, I didn't think women with small kids who worked outside the home were awful, he insisted on only natural family planning, no artificial birth control whatsoever, was dead set against living together outside of wedlock, so I wasn't close enough to what he was looking for. I thought, just like you, he'll never find a woman who was close enough to his age to be as much on the same wave length as far as culture and all the stuff that seemed so important to him, who had never been married, never had any kids from another man, who would only practice natural family planning, etc. I was certain one day he'd realize I was the the best woman for him and he'd come back. Until the day I learned he had shacked up with and then married a fresh out-of-court divorcee with three kids, a pi$$ed off ex and tied tubes. My point is it doesn't matter what his "reasons" are or what his "answers" to all your questions would be. I still struggle with it myself. It's been almost 8 years for me and I still want to grab him by the throat and scream at him how he could lie to me, how he could use my religion, who and what I was at my heart, as lame excuses to not be with me. The bottom line is, I just gave my heart to the wrong person, and even though it felt like being blindsided at first (one week he was telling me how proud and honored he was to be my boyfriend and how I changed his life for the better and how loving me made him a better man, and one week later he was dumping me) looking back, I can see all the red flags I ignored. If I had been more experienced and less desperate, I would have ended the relaitonship myself long before he did. I can see now so clearly that he never cared about me at all. He may have thought he did at the time, but little things like, when we were at the park with his friends and a Bud Girl model walked by and he bugged his eyes out, stuck out his tongue and right in front of me and all his friends proclaimed "oh my god, where did THAT come from??!!" I took him aside afterward and told him it was rude and insulting to me for him to do that in front of me and all his friends and he got irritated with me, thinking I was being insecure and overreacting, then he was talking to relatives of a friend of his and his wife, who was his girlfriend at the time, saw him and thought he was making time with some bar chippies, and started screaming at him in front of everyone, and he just stood there and took it. Why would he treat me with such disrespect and not even care how it upset me, yet allow her to tear him a new one in front of everyone and kiss her a$$ afterward? Because he loves her in a way he never loved me. I know it hurts like no other kind of hurt to hear, but I would not be surprised if one day soon, your ex takes up with a woman you would never have expected him to be with, and see him treat her with all kinds of attentiveness and respect and caring he never showed to you. Like Minnie Driver said in Gross Pointe Blank, "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it's broken." If he does come back to you, it will probably only be out of loneliness and fear of ending up alone. I hope in time you will see how much better off you will be without him in your life. Hang in there.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 12:14 PM   #14
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

Wow, a lot of you have hit the nail on the head-
Ive asked him the exact same questions you have mentioned- If you can't handle this stress now, what about when you're 40 and your business goes under, your house burns down, etc?! - You cant just ditch your wife to the curb. He says it scares him to think of that, and he answers with "I dont know".
I think that, deep-down, I know if he doesnt want to be with me now, he probably never will. It is just easier right now to NOT think that way, but I think I really know. It is depressing to think that he either a) gave this a lot of thought before he went through with it and the whole time Im with him thinking he loves me and will marry me, or ) he didnt give it much thought at all and just did this (which is how it seems). Haha, i know its either one or the other, and both hurt like crazy to imagine.
On the flip side, I've heard of a lot of couples that broke up for whatever reason, got back together some years later in life, and are still happily married. I guess it happens. Not that I can live my life while I get over this thinking that that will happen to us, in hope! I guess I believe in 2nd chances, just not 3rd. Life is complicated, as I'm realizing.
but you're all right, I dont know if I could ever be confident with him again because if I was insecure before, the month before he broke up with me during his wierd change in behavior/acting like he didn't care about me, how could I ever be secure again after this? I've thought about that a lot from the very beginning of this. He'd have to really prove it to me.
As far as counseling, I've suggested it to him a lot. He said he'd look into it, but now he's saying he's not sure he'll get it. So I'm assuming he won't. Its funny, because I'm in the psychological field, and I guess he must not have a lot of faith in what I do if he is not willing to go see one for his problems! He says that he doesn't know 'what the f*&# is wrong with him', I think thats a good reason to go! I'm going to see one- we used to agree that we would always solve our own problems ourselves, but lately as I've gotten more into my grad studies I've learned that sometimes you just can't! I wish he would change his mind, too. I think he needs some help right now sorting out his thoughts.
Another hard thing about this is that he is being (seemingly) honest with me, and even sort of nice about things. I still want to hate him (it would make it easier) but he told me that when he answers "I dont know", he really doesn't. He said he feels mentally crazy almost, and that he'd rather just tell me the truth- that he doesn't know- vs. making something up just to appease me. He told me he has been writing things down (which is REALLY unlike him) and that he will send them to me.
It excites me AND scares me when I think of the next person I love, because I would hope that he is even better than this guy, it just seems impossible. This guy was, seriously, almost love at first sight (haha, at least major attraction), we had major sexual chemistry, he treated me like a princess and communicated with me so well, (until the last month), we NEVER fought more than a day until he asked for 'space', etc etc. How am I supposed to beat this? Guys like that don't exist- better than him is almost perfection, it seems. I always felt when I was with him that he was the one I had finally found after all the other 'not so nice' ones- that he was the one I had finally waited for. Maybe its true, I just loved him more/differently. Maybe we have different maturity levels...who knows. Sorry if I keep going on and on- you all are really helping, though, and my friends/family have heard it all enough!

Last edited by lady346; 12-21-2005 at 12:35 PM.

 
Old 12-21-2005, 12:27 PM   #15
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Re: Can you just fall out of love like this?

It's true, life is complicated and often takes unexpected twists and turns. There are couples who break up, even divorce, and end up back together. Nothing is ever written in stone. You just never know what the future might bring. I think for now, it would be best to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, for whatever reason, and try to just make peace with that choice he made. What else can you do? Just let him go, and if things are meant to be, he will come back out of his own free will. It's out of your control at this time. I wish you all the best. I've been through a devastating breakup before--after over 4 years together and even getting engaged. It really really hurts and I know that "surreal" feeling you mentioned.

 
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