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Old 12-22-2005, 07:07 PM   #1
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HelpHelpHelp HB User
self-esteem

I am not sure where to post this, but I figured relationship board was best. This pertains to my relationship with myself and all others (because they get treated horrible as a result).

To make a long story short, I am a horrible person. I have a rotten attitude. I despise myself, and feel no passion for anything at this point in my life other than straightening myself out. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I want to forget my past, am very anxious about the present, and the future is black.

I want to stop treating other's horribly. I am very cold and grumpy. No, I am not outright disrespectful, but I am impatient, short, and obviously distressed.

I want a life. Please tell me how to get one.

Any career advice? I don't even know what is out there. I want to find something that I am good at, will help others, is not monotonous, pays at least decent, and will allow me time to have a life outside of my career.

I am not into material items---clothes, hair, makeup, shoes, possessions---it all means very little to me. I would much rather do things, but unfortunately was raised playing with dolls and going to church, and nothing much else. So i here i am in my 20s and i dont know how to play sports. no wonder very few males have ever expressed interest in me. i probably come across as helpless, boring, and it certainly does not help that my looks are only so-so. When i try to learn to play, people have little patience with me. They are very good, usually, and want to play with someone that they dont have to teach. And who wants to hang around a jerk anyways? which is what i am.

Most of the time I feel guilty about those that are less fortunate than myself. Whenever i possibly consider a manicure or such because it might make me more attractive or make me feel better about myself, I very quickly grow more self hatred because I ask myself, HOw can i spend money on this when there are people right down the street with very little to eat? it plagues me. Spending time and money on such things just feels so wrong to me.

I am afraid of myself.
I am sick of myself and the life i lead. It sucks. And i am sick of hating it.

I am in counseling, btw. But you all are usually so helpful, I want you insight, too!!! THANKS A BAJILLION!

 
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Old 12-22-2005, 08:42 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: self-esteem

HelpHelpHelp ~ I think that you picked the perfect place to post.....for the most important relationship any one of us can have is with ourselves. I am a firm believer that until you can understand yourself and care about yourself enough to really like yourself, then it is difficult to relate to another. Think about it....would you be attracted to anybody who doesn't even care about themselves??? By learning to take care of ourselves and address our needs and get to know ourselves enought to know what they are, we are then equipped to be able to do the same for another.

It is good that you realize the areas in your life that need taking care of so that you can be happy. There is a place deep within us that needs to be full....our inner core of self worth and the only one capable of filling that is us.

You say that you do not know what you want in terms of a career. You need to look within yourself and find your strengths. To do this you need to first take care of your basic needs. Start first with your physical self. Eat healthy and take vitamins. The B complex alleviates stress and also stregthens our overall thinking. Also incorporate some type of exercise into your day. Even a brisk walk will do you good. Joining a gym may serve you well by putting you out there with other people.

Next you need to strengthen your emotional self. Put yourself in positive places.....around other people doing something positive whether it be in terms of volunteer work or perhaps a course which interests you. Sometimes you won't know what you like to do unless you try new things. See what your local library has to offer or perhaps what a high school continuing education program has to offer. Surely something will spark your interest. Pick something and give it a try. Also....stop off at your favorite bookstore and look for a new book or CD that also is positive. Sit down and have a latte as you look it over. Go home and play your new CD and on your way pick up a bouquet of flowers. Soak in a bubble bath if it makes you feel good....anything to make yourself feel positive....do it!!! Do not feel guilty...taking care of yourself & your needs is good.

Feeding your spiritual self is important too. If you belong to a church get involved. Attend services or a group that is sponsored through your church. Nourish your soul by feeding it with community interaction and personal reflections. Keep a journal and try to write down a few good things that happened during your day.

Once you begin to take care of yourself enough to feel better about yourself and comfortable enough to like who you are the rest will all fall into place. It all begins with you.....doing everything you can to learn to love yourself is the key to being happy with another. Why give only a little bit of yourself to another when you can give them 100% which is a person who knows that they are worth something and really truly cares about themself. You can get there.....you just have to care.

When reading your post it sounds as if you may be depressed. Perhaps the first step would be to go to your doctor and have a checkup and discuss how you are feeling. You may need an antidepressant to get you started.

I hope this helps. ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 12-22-2005 at 08:57 PM.

 
Old 12-23-2005, 04:40 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: irerland,dublin
Posts: 81
sarakellieye HB User
Re: self-esteem

hi i think you should try and get a job in aid work, or with homeless ppl or the basically unfortunate as it sounds as though you would like to help others,

DONT feel guilty about getting a manicure or a facial or a new outfit etc, it is your money and you spend it as you wish.

i also think it would be GOOD for you to buy some thing new , do makeup, manicure ..it can make you feel a million dollars and when you feel good on the inside it shows on the outisde...
__________________
sara

 
Old 12-23-2005, 07:47 AM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 485
opielonghorn HB User
Re: self-esteem

hi help. that is quite an agenda you've set for yourself. i think it's great that you want to change. just be careful that you're not too hard on yourself. we all could use improvement, but sometimes when we want too much too fast, we are disappointed if it doesn't work out and feel even worse as a result.

you sound pretty depressed. do you like the therapist that you see now? is there anyone else in your life that you can talk to?

i have known (and still know) people in your position. the best thing i can tell you is to break it down (similar to what goody was saying) and figure out what you can change and how you can change it. one thing at a time. if your most pressing concern right now is a career choice, focus all your energy on that. it might mean a lot of internet research into potential careers. in my early twenties, after college, i was literally crying almost every night because i couldn't understand how everyone else knew what they wanted to do. and i didn't. the key to figuring it out was that i had to stop thinking that things were out of my reach. i would think of a potential job and then say to myself, 'i could never do that. only younger/more talented/prettier people could have that job!' as soon as i let that idea go, things started happening for me.

as far as your grumpiness to others... of course it's hard to be pleasant when you're feeling so down. but if you catch yourself being impatient or short with people, just tell them that you're sorry. it's okay to screw up, just own up to it.

keep writing here. we will all help you as best as we can. let go a little bit of some of the guilt and the self-hatred. you are not a bad person. the past is past. don't give it that kind of power over your life now. you said the future is black, and i know what you mean. i've felt that in my life. but hopefully, you will begin to see that the future is very white, wide-open, empty and waiting for you to fill it with really good things.

 
Old 12-23-2005, 11:14 AM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: California
Posts: 395
Musical_Muse HB User
Re: self-esteem

Help x 3,

I agree with all of the other posters. You need to take some time out for yourself, even if you don't necessarily like what you see at first. Only when you can truly love yourself, faults and all, will you be happy...because we all make mistakes and do things that we later regret.

For me, I like to do things such as taking warm baths, jogging outside, spending time with people doing something as a team/unit, and just being with myself sometimes. It's okay to pamper yourself even if you aren't yet the CEO of a national corporation . In fact, it's necessary to do that in order to get there.

Another thing that may be helpful is that you need to practice separating yourself from your negative behavior. You are not your behavior, and you have the power to change your negative behaviors into positive ones. For example, if you really want to smile at someone, then just smile. Don't overthink it, and don't beat yourself up for not having done it in the past. Just smile and see what happens. I can almost guarantee a positive result, as I, for one, like to smile and be smiled at . Just do little things to get you toward your goal of meeting new people. What changes can you make that would allow you to meet that goal?

I have just started a new job, broken up with a boyfriend, and am stressed by the holiday season, but I am trying my best to take care of myself (by going for a jog this morning, for instance) and taking warm showers/baths in the mornings and evenings to "wash away" my stress. Of course, it helps if I have a radio nearby, as I love to sing along and dance around. Such a GREAT stress reliever for me, and it's REALLY fun .


~Colleen

 
Old 12-23-2005, 09:09 PM   #6
Senior Member
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 206
SomeRandomDude HB User
Re: self-esteem

Sounds alot like me.... I'm much the same way.

You're already one up on me though.... I always tell myself I'm starting therapy and then lack the commitment to do it. (doesn't help that I'm scared to death of it... there I said it)

There's alot of wonderful people on here, who give great advice.

Do yourself a favor and don't blow it off "as being hopeless and nothing truly being able to help you" like I continue to do and feel...

I wish you well with everything



Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpHelpHelp
I am not sure where to post this, but I figured relationship board was best. This pertains to my relationship with myself and all others (because they get treated horrible as a result).

To make a long story short, I am a horrible person. I have a rotten attitude. I despise myself, and feel no passion for anything at this point in my life other than straightening myself out. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I want to forget my past, am very anxious about the present, and the future is black.

I want to stop treating other's horribly. I am very cold and grumpy. No, I am not outright disrespectful, but I am impatient, short, and obviously distressed.

I want a life. Please tell me how to get one.

Any career advice? I don't even know what is out there. I want to find something that I am good at, will help others, is not monotonous, pays at least decent, and will allow me time to have a life outside of my career.

I am not into material items---clothes, hair, makeup, shoes, possessions---it all means very little to me. I would much rather do things, but unfortunately was raised playing with dolls and going to church, and nothing much else. So i here i am in my 20s and i dont know how to play sports. no wonder very few males have ever expressed interest in me. i probably come across as helpless, boring, and it certainly does not help that my looks are only so-so. When i try to learn to play, people have little patience with me. They are very good, usually, and want to play with someone that they dont have to teach. And who wants to hang around a jerk anyways? which is what i am.

Most of the time I feel guilty about those that are less fortunate than myself. Whenever i possibly consider a manicure or such because it might make me more attractive or make me feel better about myself, I very quickly grow more self hatred because I ask myself, HOw can i spend money on this when there are people right down the street with very little to eat? it plagues me. Spending time and money on such things just feels so wrong to me.

I am afraid of myself.
I am sick of myself and the life i lead. It sucks. And i am sick of hating it.

I am in counseling, btw. But you all are usually so helpful, I want you insight, too!!! THANKS A BAJILLION!

 
Old 12-23-2005, 09:42 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: self-esteem

For starters, I don't think you're such a "horrible" person as you portraid yourself to be at all! You just seem to be a bit "down" and maybe even depressed, but not a bad person, by any means! It's so easy to be grumpy when you hate your life and don't feel fulfilled in it. I haven't really figured out my life, either, so I don't know if I can give you the best advice. Probably the others, like Goody and Opie are a LOT more evolved in this aspect, but at least I can tell you you sound cool. You MUST trust me on this one, because I have the best "fake-detector" ever embedded in my genes! Just the fact you yearn for something meaningful in your life and a way to become the person you know deep inside you are, and to get involved in a career that would somehow help people indicates you are a caring, self-aware person! You have NO idea how many people go through life thinking ONLY about their best interest!

On the other hand, feeling like you don't deserve any kind of special treatment, or to spend you hard earned money on pampering yourself is NOT good. You DO deserve the best and to treat yourself to something that will make you feel good and rejuvenated. Our physical body should not be neglected, even if it might be secondary in importance to our inner self. There's nothing shameful about it. When I go to get my pedicure, I feel so great afterwards. It's like, I'm a better, nicer person, because I had a chance to relax and to be pampered, and the little massage does wonders for your body too! Believe me, the starving children of Ethiopia will not mind if you get a manicure/pedicure once in a while. If anyone should feel guilty about it, it should be the filthy rich financial moguls and politicians, not average citizens like you and me. YOu cannot singlehandedlt solve the problem of World's poverty, so just take my word for it and get a pedicure, andd a massage, if you can! There's nothing wrong with you; you just forgot how to enjoy yourself, that's it.

 
Old 12-23-2005, 10:07 PM   #8
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 468
degen95 HB User
Re: self-esteem

Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpHelpHelp
To make a long story short, I am a horrible person. I have a rotten attitude.
that's impossible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpHelpHelp
I want to stop treating other's horribly. I am very cold and grumpy. No, I am not outright disrespectful, but I am impatient, short, and obviously distressed.
stop "wanting" to stop doing it and just STOP doing it. it might be hard and unnatural in the beginning but YOU have to put out the effort and over time, it will be easier.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpHelpHelp
I want a life. Please tell me how to get one.
you already have one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpHelpHelp
Any career advice? I don't even know what is out there. I want to find something that I am good at, will help others, is not monotonous, pays at least decent, and will allow me time to have a life outside of my career.
what are you interested in?? what do you like doing? there has to be some occupation out there that always fascinated you. only you can find out what that is. once you find in, figure out how to get started in such a career and get started. most likely you'll have to back to school or something like that to have a worthwhile career. before you do all of that, you first need to STOP comparing yourself to others. we all have different backgrounds and circumstances. you can only focus on yourself. unfortunately we live in a world that loves to define what's good and what's not, what one should have, how much money they should make, what type of life they should have, what they should believe in, etc..and if you're not these things, you suck and are less than the next guy. in reality, there is no "better" or "best" at all. we have such a long way to go. forget about other people's expectations of you and focus on what you want for you.

 
Old 12-24-2005, 02:18 PM   #9
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: michigan
Posts: 264
MIpigpen HB User
Re: self-esteem

[QUOTE=HelpHelpHelp]I
To make a long story short, I am a horrible person.

Nice try...but you don't seem like a horrible person. You later said you feel guilty for having things others do not. You make ME feel like a horrible person! It took me until 33 years old to realize other people hurt and I should remember that everyday!

I wish I had an answer for you, but I can only say, don't beat yourself up too much, your "horrible" side is nothing like the people that have come my way over the last five years. I wish I could help. I can only give you a wish of good luck...oh, and happy holiday's!

Keep us posted, there are such wonderful people here!

 
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