I'm writing in here because I can feel myself at breaking point. My fiance who I have dated for 7 years now is causing me so much heartache. We got engaged in Dec. 2003. So, we have been in engaged for 2 years now and have not set a date. I have to say that I really dont care to set a date anymore at all. I dont even know if I can put up with him anymore. He never wants to spend any time with me anymore. He spends all of his time with his buddy working on their motorcycles and running around together. My fiance is not emotional whatsoever and this devistates me because I'm a romantic and I want to be loved in return. It has gotten worse the longer we date and I know that by marrying him it wont get any better.
I had to quit my job 3 months ago with back problems. I had surgery for this and now I'm dealing with a cancer scare as well. So, needless to say, I feel bad a lot of the time. This is something that i can't help. But I want more then anything to spend time with him...even if we are just watching a movie together. So, its Christmas Eve and I want to spend the day with him (I have cabin fever so to speak because I've been so sick for 3 months now and can't do much). And he said he had stuff to do.. I call him and he is out running around with his friend when he could have been with me. Once again, I sit here alone and crying. He never wants to spend time with me. And I asked him why today when he was with his friend and I was on the phone. He said "if you dont like it then you are just gonna have to get over it" and he had this attitude like I'm a man and you do what I say or shut up about it.
Someone please tell me that I'm right by feeling this way?? I mean..am I? Should i just shut up and deal with it?? I tell him that i want him to say he loves me and he does sometimes but not often. He isn't affectionate either. He tells me that by my needing that it is only because i have low self esteem and he isn't going to tell me that he loves me just to help my low self esteem.
I dont want to spend my life with this man if he is going to treat me like this. He makes me feel lower then dirt 95% of the time. I keep holding on to this 5% when he is nice to me. I can't do this anymore, but I need to know how to tell him. I'm scared to.
I have a guy friend who is ONLY a friend. He thinks I'm nuts for being with someone who treats me so bad. In fact, my fiance got so mad that I talked to my guy friend that he let all the air out of my friends tires. He then came to my job and started yelling at me in front on my boss. He is CRAZY and I'm scared of him. I need to know how to break the ties!!! We have been together for 7 years and its unnatural to not be with him..but I would rather be alone then to have somone and feel alone.
He makes me feel like things are my fault and that I just want to find something to complain to him about. Then I start believing him. And he always throws the fact that I'm not working in my face like I'm a loser! I cant work right now and my doctor ordered that!!!! Trust me, I miss the income and its not like I am getting to enjoy not working!! I'm sick and in bed every day of my life...Its terrible.
Why is it so hard for me to let go of someone who doesn't even care about me?? Please someone write back...I feel physically ill from all the stress that I go through with this guy and I can't live like this much longer. THANK YOU TO ANYONE WHO CAN HELP! IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS AND REPLY...
You know the worst part about all of this if feeling so much for someone who really just doesn't care if I sit here and cry..or if I am alone...and knowing that you can't make someone care about you only makes things worse. He wont ever be able to treat me like I deserve...i just pray that I'm strong enough to leave him and realize that I do deserve someone who wants to be with me and who will treat me right. I do have low self esteem and that is no excuse to not leave him but I feel like that has been a big reason why I haven't left him. I'm only 22...
By the way, he chose to spend new years out drinking with his friends. I asked him if he would concider spending half the night with them and then maybe half with me and he said that if I chose not to go with him then I would just be alone for new years!! Am I wrong for thinking that he is a jerk?? I mean, if I'm just being naggy then please let me know..I need to hear what you think. My friends want me to go out with them and i know he will get so mad if I do that but I dont want to be alone on new years. He is very jealous.
Thank you unicorn430 - I'm so glad you replied to my post. At least I know that I'm not unreasonable in feeling the way that I do. I have an extra journal around here somewhere and I am going to start dating and recording all things that happen. Thanks for your advice. I would never have thought to do that.
Yes, I dont think he knows how either. I've grown up in a loving home and we could always talk about things.
He, on the other hand, has a father and mother who I'm sure love him..but they dont say it. They are very closed off people.. And I know his father is verbally abusive and puts his mother down all the time about her weight. I was at their home one night having dinner with them and his dad (in front of a guest) actually told his mother that she looked like a beached whale!!! I was in shock but I just sat there and said nothing. What is so sad, I think this really hurts his mom but she doesn't express it. She laughed about it after he said that. I'm not the type of person to laugh if that is said to me. I would let him know if he hurt me and why...and i think my fiance feels like I nag and want to talk to him about why things are the way they are between us. I like knowing why he acts the way he does...etc. and he never wants to talk about it.
I dont look forward to the mourning part of breaking up but its just something I know I have to face or else I will be miserable for the rest of my life...and I dont want to be married and feel stuck...I can't marry someone who can't love me back.
Once again, thanks for the advice and for reading my VERY LONG post. :-) Happy Holiday ~ Catherine
Last edited by Catherine83; 12-24-2005 at 12:44 PM.
Thanks you guys! I appreciate all the sweet words and advice. I am calling it quits with this guy because I just can't handle it anymore. I feel emotionally drained and I shouldn't have to feel like this in a relationship..at least not to this degree. I'm going to start my new year out right and turn to the few friends I have left if I start to feel down. I spoke to a friend last night who was quick to remind me that he should be building me up..not knocking me down. My only worry is how he will react. I'm very scared of him and what he might do. Believe it or not, I am going out tomorrow and buying some mace for my purse. I'd rather be safe than sorry. Thanks again and I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Much love ~ Catherine
Well, whatever you do, don't go to the male friend after you leave or he will think you left him for this man! He sounds very unstable and you can't give him any ammo! Just go and stay with your family and end this **** awful relationship asap! The way he is treating you is not the way someone that loves you would treat you! Don't be surprised or tricked by his crying for you to come back either! 7 years is long enough to know he isn't going to change!
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Excellent advice here! The stress of all this can't be helping you to recover either. I think the restraining order that another poster advised, is really important in dealing with this guy. Don't take any chances. Possessive, jealous people, in particular men, can be extremely unpredictable and dangerous. They don't love, they simply try to possess and control others. I hope all goes well, and maybe the breakup will be smoother than we're expecting. Be sure to keep your family and friends updated on everything going on. Take good care of yourself.
Catherine: I too am sorry you are going through this at holiday time....the guy sounds like a real jerk and your self esteem cannot help but sink lower the longer you are with him; it sounds like he is wanting to browbeat you into believing no one else would be interested in you so that you will cling to him only and have no life except the life he chooses for you, which does not sound like much of a life. I get very concerned when I hear of a young woman involved with a volatile man and the young woman is contemplating "leaving or breaking up": restraining orders do not do much towards actual protection, and are worth about as much as the paper they are written on. Police records are full of cases of young women who end up dead or seriously injured as a result of a jealous/or controlling boyfriend's rage. I don't mean that you should fly into a panic over the possibility of this guy's rage, but be smart....remove yourself out of his vicinity, even if you have to stay with out of town relatives for awhile....don't tell him in person (he doesn't need or deserve such courtesy) but leave him a short to the point note, without going into a lot of detail, something like: "It's been fun but I don't want to be a drag to you anymore....take care of yourself, be happy, and I'll see you around." something like that. You aren't berating him, arguing, etc. but ending the thing nevertheless. I know you would like the satisfaction of telling him why you are ending the relationship, but that would just fuel the fire....Don't mail the note until you are long gone...Do get the restraining order just to document your fear of him. Don't tell anyone who might tell him where you are going....Hopefully you have out of town family or friends that he doesn't know about....and whatever you do, don't call him, write him, or try to see him...chop it off. This is just advice, but I do think you need a change of scenery....Good luck....there are wonderful men in this world--bunches of them. He just doesn't happen to be one--and you'll never meet one as long as this guy is in your life to drive them away.
Wishing you a safe and fresh new life.
Once I've recovered a bit from Christmas I'll be back for some real moral support. But til then I wanted to tell you; it is ok to love this guy. It is NOT ok to stay with him.
Also, we came home one evening and there was a police car sitting at the curb next door and the wife was carrying some boxes up to the door.
The police WILL be at your side when you go to move if you request them to be. I'm not exactly clear whether you are living together or whose place it is if you are. Or even if you have to move.
But I agree that if you need to move, or after you tell him that you are lonlier with him than you are without him, while he's gone you need to pack a week's worth of stuff & go somewhere where there is someone who will a) say you're not there b) call the police if he does show up.
He is the controlling type and I've been there. And you are wise to plan ahead as much as possible. Also, if money is an issue you might have a domestic crisis hotline in your area that can help you with a halfway house or assistance in how to deal with an angry man.
More later - I have to finish disinheriting all of my in-laws and most of my own family after this Christmas and then I'll be back....
~Hello again to all who have written me or who will be reading this~ I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was ok, but it could have been better. He never come over for Christmas and I didn't hear from him ..I guess no news is good news. I did spend christmas with my parents though so that made things better. My parents are completely aware of this guy and the things that he does. My mother from day 1 detested him. She had a gut feeling and later on when we got engaged she was not happy. She use to tell me that he seemed like the type who would end up beating me or something extreme such as that. We argued because she would say he wasn't welcomed in our home and then it got to the point where I was in my 20's and I'm an adult now. I never rebelled so to speak but I didn't realize how right she was until now.
I have to say that I do agree with the person who wrote in about him bringing me down so much that I feel like I need him and can't do any better. I lost it the other day in the kitchen with my mother. I try to be strong and not worry any of my parents about it but sometimes it just builds up and I have to cry and talk to them. I did this and I told them that I felt like a loser..because I do most days and my mother was quick to tell me that I feel like this because of him...that I am not and I'm a wonderful, talented 22 year old who has her whole life ahead of her.
I should have been smarter and gotten out of this as soon as I knew what he was like...but I didn't and now I am here. It could always be worse though, right?
My living situation is with my parents. I was working full time and going to college and its just easier to live with mom and dad right now. I'm paying my own way through school and apartments are expensive. They welcome me with open arms.
The worst part about all of this is this guy lives right down the road..I mean, he can see every move I make! Its terrible. He can see when my car is there or isn't there...when I leave, when I get the maill..everything. I told my parents that I hate living down the road from him.
As far as my health goes, I go back the first week in Jan. to my doctor. The stress of all this is not helping. It only makes it worse and my mother fears that I am showing signs of depression. Its just between the health issues, not working, being at home 24/7, having a jerk for a fiance, etc.. its enough to bring a person down. I was never like this before. I was always a very positive, happy person until now.
He use to be so jealous of my having any friends.. I was always a people person in school.. everyones friend..I made a point to sit with people who sat alone.. I mean..I hate seeing people hurt so I naturally had lots of friends as a result. For the first 3 month, my fiance was ok with this and then he would yell if I went out with my friends (always in groups of guys and girls..) so at first it was about there being guys there. Then it got to the point that it was girls too. He just didn't want me to have anyone. Years passed and I found myself with hardly any friends...and I felt the need to sneak these people into my life...not guys but even my girl friends. And I can't complain about this now because I gave in and made myself alone now. At the time I felt like I had to do what he wanted just to keep him and then I started feeling terrible about myself. I can remember times when he would put me down and I would sit there in front of him and just cry so hard. And he did nothing. Its so sad to me when I reflect back on that because I gave up a lot of friendships for a guy who didn't deserve me.
I know this sounds weird...but I want him to miss me when I go. I want him to actually realize that I did leave (he doesn't think I will) and that he messed up. I'm not perfect by any means, but I really feel like he is the cause of this. The thing is, he probably will not miss me or even care and I have to stop wanting that so bad... I need to learn to focus on me now and grow from that.
Once again...thanks for everything. You all are wonderful and I'm so happy that I found such a great group of people to talk to. If I dont talk to you all before then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Red flags all over the place. He's a control freak first and foremost. One of the signs of this typical kind of person is making you feel useless and worthless. Then throw on top of that, the fact that he tries to keep you from your friends - Alienating you from the rest of YOUR world, only to keep you in HIS world when he feels the need. And only when HE feels the need.
I knwo you have been in this relationship for years, but you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. DON'T let him make you look back years from now and say "Why did I stay with him and waste all that time"?
Get out now - You have an ideal situation - Your parent's love and support you and you have a place to live. You don't NEED or DEPEND on him like so many other poor women do and they feel trapped.
Keep your dignity and set yourself free from this loser.
Catherine, believe me... he WILL miss you and care that you have gone. But will it change him? Probably not.
You have done the right thing and are so lucky to have such wonderful and caring parents. Absorb their love as it is the real deal that you have been missing out on. You sound like you have many lovely and caring friends too. So feel great about yourself, just because one loser doesn't know how to love or treat you, so many other people do!!! They must all see something wonderful about you.
I do have one little question though that doesn't really relate to anything... but I was just curious. You said that your fiance (or ex) was going to spend New Years with his friends etc, and he had said if you didn't want to come then stay at home on your own (or something to that accord). My question is, if he didn't have an issue with you going out with them, why wouldn't you? I understand you are sick, but you mention that you would go out with your own friends, but not with him and his friends?
Doesn't change anything, he's still a jerk and you deserve so much better... but the original point of your post was that he didn't spend time with you but when you had a chance you didn't seem to want to, that's all.
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You really do deserve better than what this mans giving you. The worst thing is that when you tryed to speak to him about it he acted as if it didint matter and told u its because you have low self esteem. that is very mean and he is wrong. Every women deserves to be loved and that has nothing to do with self esteem he sounds like he doesnt have that much of a heart. Im sure there is someone out there that will love you more than he ever could. Im also going to do the same and find some guy that really deserves me