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Old 12-24-2005, 07:44 PM   #1
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Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Does this make me a bad person?

My five year older sister and my five year younger brother are both engaged to be married within the next year and though they want me to, I'm not planning on attending either wedding.

Am I happy for them and hope both marriages work out? Sure... though at the sametime I must admit to loathing my own situation so much, that my happiness is somewhat curbed.. certainly more curbed than what it should be.

I guess my own situation is just made that much more difficult under these circumstances. Here I am alone.... miserable... haven't went 'all the way' at 26, haven't so much as went on a date in over five years... get ZERO interest from the opposite sex... the list goes on and on.

Needless to say my own situation seems pretty hopeless and I'm become more understanding (though not anymore accepting) of the fact that things may never change and I may spend the rest of my days alone and without someone to share my life with.

 
Old 12-24-2005, 07:57 PM   #2
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

I think you should put on a smile, attend, and be happy for your siblings. To skip them would be hurtful and insulting. IMO, you need a better reason than that not to attend their weddings.

 
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Old 12-24-2005, 08:23 PM   #3
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Perhaps you are right... this is just so hard for me to accept.

The whole being single and craving what they both have and there being no end in sight to my own lonliness.

I guess I'm going to have to mearly suck it up and go....

I think if I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel this would be alot easier, but I don't... you know the whole why do they deserve happiness and not being alone and I don't deserve these things.

I firmly believe I'm forever going to be alone single (and virgin.... both the alone thing and the virginity hurt in different ways). There sure as heck hasn't been anything come up, to make me be even remotly positive about it ever being any different.

Ah well screw it I'll attend and feign a smile if need be.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
I think you should put on a smile, attend, and be happy for your siblings. To skip them would be hurtful and insulting. IMO, you need a better reason than that not to attend their weddings.

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-24-2005 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 12-24-2005, 08:33 PM   #4
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Tell me you are kidding? The weddings are so far off and you are NOW saying you wont or dont want to go? HA ha ! Silly man you could beat them to the alter and be married before both of them! If not, who knows, you could meet your future wife at one of the weddings.

Marily
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Old 12-24-2005, 08:37 PM   #5
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Doubtful.

You don't know how hopeless my situation really is. I mean FIVE years.. that says it all... well actually a little over five years. since I've even went on a date. Girls just have zero interest.... fact whether I want to accept it or not.

I guess I'm attending regardless though, Hanging In There's right... it would be hurtful and I don't want to do that.

Just because I'm forever single and alone, doesn't mean I shouldn't attentd their weddings and be happy for them... as happy as I can be anyway.

and no I wasn't kidding.... before Hanging in there made me realize how uncaring I was being... I truly wasn't going to attend




Quote:
Originally Posted by TomsWife
Tell me you are kidding? The weddings are so far off and you are NOW saying you wont or dont want to go? HA ha ! Silly man you could beat them to the alter and be married before both of them! If not, who knows, you could meet your future wife at one of the weddings.

Marily

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-24-2005 at 08:42 PM.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 12:23 AM   #6
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Hey Some, My best man who went thru a bad divorce and hardly dated in the last three years, has started dating one of the caterers. Anything can happen.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 04:59 AM   #7
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

[QUOTE=SomeRandomDude] I think if I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel this would be alot easier, but I don't... you know the whole why do they deserve happiness and not being alone and I don't deserve these things.

I firmly believe I'm forever going to be alone single (and virgin.... both the alone thing and the virginity hurt in different ways). QUOTE]

SRD, please remember that life is not even remotely driven by what people 'deserve' or don't 'deserve'. there's no magic love god that swooped down on your siblings and bestowed partners on them because they were deemed worthier than others.

if you firmly believe that you're going to be alone and single forever, then you are probably right. that kind of negative thinking will produce that exact negative outcome. what is it about you or your life that makes you believe this? because you haven't had a relationship yet? maybe it's time to change some things about yourself and your circumstances.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 06:13 AM   #8
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

You should go to the wedding...you will regret not going. As someone said, you could even meet someone at the wedding! My absolutely adorable BF wasn't with anyone before me in 10 years! Although he lived with a woman for most of that...they weren't living as bf and gf as she would not even let him touch her! Strange I know!!! But in that time, he was looking believe you me and he said that noone ever paid any attention to me or gave him the time of day. As I've gotten to know him, it's easy to see why...he is very shy and if someone doesn't talk to him, he's not going to talk to them. So are you this very shy man that never talks to anyone? You can't expect to meet a woman if you look at the floor any time a woman walks past you! He's just lucky that I'm the agressive type and approach him!
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Old 12-25-2005, 10:16 AM   #9
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

What is it about me? Well I'm not overly attractive... have a major case of both clinical depresssion and social anxiety disorder... oh and of course the fact that girls pretty much ignore my existence.

I know I'm not the most confident person in the world, but I firmly believe that confidence isn't something that can simply be flipped on like a switch.

Is my negative outlook likely counter productive? To a degree sure, I don't think it's anywhere near being the deciding factor though. I'm simply not a desirable person

[QUOTE=opielonghorn]
Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
I think if I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel this would be alot easier, but I don't... you know the whole why do they deserve happiness and not being alone and I don't deserve these things.

I firmly believe I'm forever going to be alone single (and virgin.... both the alone thing and the virginity hurt in different ways). QUOTE]

SRD, please remember that life is not even remotely driven by what people 'deserve' or don't 'deserve'. there's no magic love god that swooped down on your siblings and bestowed partners on them because they were deemed worthier than others.

if you firmly believe that you're going to be alone and single forever, then you are probably right. that kind of negative thinking will produce that exact negative outcome. what is it about you or your life that makes you believe this? because you haven't had a relationship yet? maybe it's time to change some things about yourself and your circumstances.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 10:26 AM   #10
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Yeah I'm going to attend.... reluctantly. Don't like my chances of meeting someone though, would classify the odds as slim to none of that happening.

I do sound alot like your boyfriend, I don't socialize.... in fact I've lost nearly all my friends over the years for this very reason. Could only be told 'no' to everything they asked so many times, before they stopped calling altogether.

I'm horribly shy (when I'm not on stage.... been into some acting and some bands and oddly enough I'm a whole different person when performing) and my self esteem and self worth are both pretty much nonexistent.

In truth I've never been a confident person, but it's gotten worse and worse these last few years. The more time passes by, the closer and closer I get to giving up on these things ever happening for me.

I've even got to the point where I'm considering a 30 year old deadline (reasonable deadline because it's four whole years from now) If nothing happens by then, it would likely be in my best interest to just accept that it never will...

Not to mention not so much the lack of relationships, but the virginity thing.... I could NEVER admit at that point to someone, that I was still 'pure' for fear of said person running off laughing or being let down by it... the sheer shame would be too much for me to admit to.. heck it's hard enough to admit to now.

On the other hand.. and this is mere speculation at this point, I don't see myself as the type that's capable of going all the way with just anyone... so it's a revolving door in that regard. If I were it would likely be easier to get rid of that part of the puzzle (the sex thing)

I'm considering starting therapy soon, but keep in mind I've 'considered' it many times and without fail, always end up backing out of it. Assuming I go hopefully the therapist will be a certified miracle worker, because it not I'm in trouble.

On a final note unless I meet an assertive girl like you, I'm pretty much just out of luck.. and sadly from what I can see, there's aren't that many assertive girls out there. Seems like alot still go by the old sterotype of men doing the approaching... not going to pretend girls don't get the shaft in some ways... but guys... especially shy ones, sure got the short end of the stick on that one.



Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
You should go to the wedding...you will regret not going. As someone said, you could even meet someone at the wedding! My absolutely adorable BF wasn't with anyone before me in 10 years! Although he lived with a woman for most of that...they weren't living as bf and gf as she would not even let him touch her! Strange I know!!! But in that time, he was looking believe you me and he said that noone ever paid any attention to me or gave him the time of day. As I've gotten to know him, it's easy to see why...he is very shy and if someone doesn't talk to him, he's not going to talk to them. So are you this very shy man that never talks to anyone? You can't expect to meet a woman if you look at the floor any time a woman walks past you! He's just lucky that I'm the agressive type and approach him!

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-25-2005 at 10:36 AM.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 10:45 AM   #11
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

SRD, no, I don't think you're a bad person at all. I can relate to how you feel. My cousin got married last spring and I didn't go. Her younger sister got married a few years ago, and I'm the oldest out of us three granddaughters, and I just couldnt' face being the poor, pathetic oldest spinster granddaughter and all the whispering, "oh, that's E's oldest daughter's girl, no, she never married, yes, she's the oldest, well you know, she's so quiet, she must not be the brightest one, I think there's probably something wrong with her..." I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with that, it can be an absolute nightmare. Although I am not really "beautiful" by conventional terms, and I have been passed up by most men, but once in a while, a man will see me and just drop his teeth. But I never met one I liked who liked me back until I was almost 31. I was almost 31 before I went out on a date, kissed a man, held hands, had a man touch me in any romantic way at all. It didn't last long, I was very naive, and didn't really know how to relate to men, how to talk to them, stroke their egos right, etc. and it fizzled out pretty quickly. That was 8 years ago and there hasn't been anyone since then. I'm 40 now, and still a virgin, and never get touched, or hugged, and it causes all kinds of pain and stress, my hair is falling out, I keep getting bad headaches that wont' go away, etc. When I think that my 20s and 30s are gone, the mos healthy, young, best years of my life are over and I never got to make love with anyone, and now all I have to look forward to is thinning, graying hair, getting fatter and less attractive, menopause, brittle bones, and basically drying up, it breaks my heart and I just feel like I'll never stop crying. BUT...

I'm not as close to my cousin as I am to my brother, and if he got married, I would certainly be there. Not only because I love him more than I want to be sad for myself, but also because a lady I work with told me that sometimes when you want something like kids or to meet someone, sometimes participating in other people's joy can open up the possibility to it being in your life, too. At the time I thought it was sort of silly, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I desperately want children of my own, but always sort of felt uncomforatble around other people's children, but a friend of mine recently had a little birthday party for his 4-year old son, so I went and hung out with the little guy, and really enjoyed it. And as silly as it may sound, at the very least, I feel a bit more "prepared," just by spending time with the boy and hugging him and talking to him, more prepared IN CASE a miracle happens in the next 6 months or so and a way for me to have a child to raise somehow presents itself. I think shutting yourself off from others' joy and blocking your heart from being happy for them is bad karma. I don't know if I totally buy all that "think positive and positive things will happen" stuff, but I know that if you don't go to the weddings, you'll most likely be sitting a home feeling bad. If you go to the weddings and sulk, you'll have a bad time. But if you go to the weddings and find some joy in your heart for your brother and sister, and focus on toasting and being a part of their joy, you at least will have a little fun, enjoy hearing the band, getting dressed up and partying with family and friends, and who knows? You might even make a friend or two. Hang in there. You're not alone, and you're not as old as you may feel to still not have the love that you long for.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 11:49 AM   #12
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Confidence has a lot to do with finding a girlfriend, because by being shy and self-conscious you are just giving off the vibe that you don't WANT to be approached, you don't WANT to have anything to do with anyone. So while you're miserably reinforcing your own belief that you are worthless and unwanted, people are probably thinking it is you who want nothing to do with THEM.

Depression and Social Anxiety I understand real well. You'll likely argue, but that probably clouds the way you see yourself. I don't know why this, but I've always had a history of falling head over heels for guys who it turned out thought they were tragically unappealing. There once was this guy I worked with who was the most adorable thing...so adorable in fact that me and another girl got into a huge fight over him. And all the while he would go around telling people how ugly he thought he was, how no one was ever going to fall for him. Meanwhile there are these two girls about to kill each other over him. It was funny.

I know a lot of other guys who I (and others) found cute as heck, but because they don't believe it they block everyone out. I've had my heart broken many times because guys just did not really believe I (or anyone, for that matter) could actually like them, so they shut me out, and meanwhile I've built them a shrine in my bedroom. You just never know. Being 26 and a virgin is not as bad as you think. Perhaps you will meet a girl who is saving herself for marriage and will be tickled pink that you are still a virgin. Not long ago I slept with my friend who was a 26 year old virgin, and I was thrilled and honored to be his first. I didn't think it was weird at all, he was just like you, very self-conscious.

I know it's not possible to make confidence just magically appear. I always get so sad when I meet guys like you, because you are usually the most hauntingly beautiful. I wish you well, and hope you can make some progress.

As for the weddings...well the correct answer of course is to just put on a smile and go, but being like you I never liked going to my sister or brother's weddings either. The latter I found unbearable...just sitting by myself for four hours. Maybe you can just stay for a little while at the reception, long enough to eat dinner or something. Then if it gets unbearable find an excuse to leave.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 01:13 PM   #13
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired of how your life is progressing, THAT is when you'll take the steps to change it. We can all too easily hide behind the pain of being alone, and venting our feelings to someone that will listen. And yes, that is a stage one goes through. But, when you just can't take it anymore, that's when you'll do something to change...YOU! Perhaps you're just not ready yet???

Are you interesting? What are your talents? Do you have a sense of humor? What are your hobbies? Any courses that you are interested in taking? Anything you want to learn? These are things you can do to work on 'you' whether you meet someone or not. Do these things for yourself! When you're sick (and please don't take that the wrong way), ok, let me rephrase...when we have unhealthy thoughts about ourselves, that is also a time when we attract other unhealthy people. Not such a good thing. I speak from experience!!!

When we work on ourselves, and enjoy being in our own company, in our own skin, THAT is when we attract others that are happy with themselves as well. That is a GOOD thing!!

Counseling is a great idea for anyone who wants to change their lives for the better, but just aren't quite sure how to do it.

About the weddings....your choice of course. But maybe think about how much it would mean to them to have you there...and then if you relax and enjoy yourself....well, that's just icing on the cake!!!

 
Old 12-25-2005, 01:38 PM   #14
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

What Gypsy says is so true, guys will think they are so unattractive but in reality are very cute. OK, I can't see what you look like and maybe you really are not that cute...SO WHAT!!!!!...look around you, there's someone for everyone. Look at the ugly as a mud fence guy that works with you that's been married 10 years and has 2 lovely kids!!!!! It seems to me that when people are obscessed with their looks...9 times out of 10, they are some of the most attractive people! It seems truely unattractive people don't care what they look like...haha! I have a niece that would absolutely make Angelina Jolie look like a horny toad standing next to her...she is so obscessed with every body part that isn't perfect and thinks this is ugly and that is ugly...for loved ones, it's very frustrating always trying to assure her she's gorgeous! I think that therapy wouldn't hurt and I don't mean go get on a pill...that isn't the answer. You can't say that you will give up at 30, I didn't meet my BF until he was 49...no he wasn't a virgin but he had never been truely in love before!

I agree with the poster that said to go take some classes perhaps. You can't meet someone sitting at home in front of the tv or computer.

At least work on getting out some with friends and making eye contact with women you find attractive...who knows you may even get a "HI" out of someone and the next thing you know you could end up talking.
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Old 12-25-2005, 05:40 PM   #15
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Re: Not attending my brothers or my sister's wedding....

Hey Dude, it's MamaRuth!!
You can set all the deadlines you want, but it will still happen when it happens.
Say I had set a deadline of 30 yrs like you say you plan to do.
So, when I met Mr. Ruth at age 34 I was supposed to say, "No, I can't date you and love you for the rest of my life because the deadline passed for me four years ago" ???

There is someone out there in the fabric of time & space who will be looking for someone just like you. Who won't be bothered by your social anxiety and whose very presence in your life will lift you up just a bit from your usual level of depression. Who is outgoing enough to need the balance of your shyness. In return, your shyness end up a little less shy over time.

I know its hard, but what you're looking for right now is faith that you will ever meet someone. No one can tell you that - but I can tell you that I felt as unloveable as you and dear Hiya. And no one can make us feel less unloveable.
But I did meet someone who loves me exactly for who I am - and I think that's the best deal of all.
Faith.

 
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