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Old 12-25-2005, 10:53 AM   #1
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CMAD227 HB User
In a sticky situation...

First and foremost, Happy Holidays to everyone!

I am a 21 year old woman in college and I work with an 18 year old guy. We goof around at work when we work together, and we've actually almost kissed on several different occasions. People at work tease us all the time and think we're dating (but we're not). We've known each other for 8 months and I really like this guy. The problem is, he has a girlfriend. I know this is a very sticky situation.

Last week, he had asked me if I was busy on a certain night, and invited me to go to Church with him on Christmas Eve, just he and I. He had even asked me if I liked a couple restaurants, and I thought he was going to ask me to dinner or something. I thought him asking me to go to church with him was a little strange, but not all that much (i.e. why not go with family, or better yet, his GIRLFRIEND?) He suggested we meet where we work, so we did and we ended up driving seperately. We got to the church and sat down and talked for a few minutes. Well, I joked and said, "You must've been desperate asking ME to come with you," and he replied, "No, I wanted you to come with me." The services were nice, and he had mentioned stopping to get HIMSELF some food, but didn't suggest we go together. Then when the service let out, we walked to our cars and he thanked me for coming with him and said "See you later."

I guess I was letdown because I thought for two people who get teased all the time about liking each other, and between the two of us and how we act towards each other, the first time we did anything outside of work wasn't what I thought it would be.

I don't know what to do because I really like him and I keep telling myself he has a girlfriend but at work he acts like he is into me.

Why do you think he acted the way he did? And meeting where we work/driving seperately? Why did he keep fidgeting when we were in church? I probably know what the advice will be, but maybe I just need to see the thoughts for myself.

 
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Old 12-25-2005, 11:22 AM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Hmmmm...I'm the last person in the world who knows why men do any of the things they do. But, As long as he has a girlfriend, there really shouldn't be any question as to whether or not he's "into you." Because unless he makes it absolutely clear in no uncertain terms, he CAN'T be into you, because he's taken. When he is no longer taken and comes up to you and says "I just broke up with my girlfriend" then you can be fred to wonder if you will be next in line. If he comes up to you and says "I WANT to break up with my girlfriend," then you can tell him "I'm sorry to hear things aren't working out, but I feel we have a connection and when you do in fact break up with her, I'd be interested in going out sometime to see if you could be more than friends, if you would be interested. When you're free, give me a call." When a man is muddying the waters and being gray, it's up to you to make things clear. Keep things friendly at work, but if I were you, I'd stop the kissing and heavy flirting. If he asks you out to church or whatever again, tell him "I had fun going to church with you, but I felt uncomfortable. Since you have a girlfriend, I don't think it would be appropriate for us to go out on what could look to other people, and what sort of felt to me, like a date." That will let him know up front that you won't waste time on him if he doesn't know what he wants, and you won't be his little side dish. It's up to you to set the tone. As sad as it is to say, the truth is a man will treat you as badly and will neglect you as much as you allow him to. If you don't want him to treat you in a gray, hot/cold, confusing manner, don't let him. If you want to date him, you're going to have to do it on your terms, because his terms will keep you confused and wondering and never knowing where you stand. Don't go out on a date with him until and unless he makes it absolutely clear that's what it is. Until then, keep your head on straight and only go out with him in groups to keep away any confusion about the nature of your relationship.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 05:30 AM   #3
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TomsWife HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Run dont walk from this one. If your fantisizing how he will treat you during your relationship just imagine your first fight. He'll be taking a woman that he has interest in to "Church". I guess the same applies to you. If your unhappy in a relationship, ask yourself if you would have a problem going to "Church" with a person you find attractive. Having said that (typed that) and reread it, perhaps you both are made for eachother. How would you feel if you were this "mans" girlfriend? It appears you both have no regard for his girlfriend at all.
You ask why he acted the way he did. Because he is a cheat and is testing the water like someone else posted. And in church of all places. Thus, the fidgeting.....................
__________________
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A large group of professionals built the Titanic

Last edited by TomsWife; 12-26-2005 at 05:34 AM. Reason: I cant believe you dont see this for what it really is.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 06:20 AM   #4
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wildcat66 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

You knew he is was involved with someone therefore you should have turned him down . Next time go with someone that isnt involved with another person .Those putting all of the blame on this man is not fair, it is true he shouldnt be asking other women to church if he has a girlfriend but ones that accept knowing he does have a girlfriend are just as wrong as he is.

Last edited by wildcat66; 12-26-2005 at 06:25 AM.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 12:46 PM   #5
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CMAD227 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Thanks to everyone who replied. I really appreciate your feedback.

I know everyone's right, and I have put myself in his girlfriend's shoes (both after doing some major thinking about this and even before): I would be pretty upset if my boyfriend did with another girl what he has done with me (nothing completely sexual, but I'm sure we would've gotten there).

Anyway, how should I act towards him at work now? Just be cordial and professional and nothing more? And what about the 'church' thing (i.e. if he asks me to go again?) Was he just using that as a way for he and I to do something together outside work, just the two of us? We don't have any mutual friends (well I mean other than co-workers) so even though it was a very good suggestion, the 'going in a group' idea wouldn't work.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 01:11 PM   #6
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muzicman66 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

There can be a difference in how one handles a relationship when one is 21, compared to 18.
As for how to act? Say nothing about it. Chill on the flirting though.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 04:03 PM   #7
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Hiya HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CMAD227
Anyway, how should I act towards him at work now? Just be cordial and professional and nothing more? And what about the 'church' thing (i.e. if he asks me to go again?) Was he just using that as a way for he and I to do something together outside work, just the two of us? We don't have any mutual friends (well I mean other than co-workers) so even though it was a very good suggestion, the 'going in a group' idea wouldn't work.
Like I said before, if he asks you to go anywhere, including church, alone with him again, just tell him thanks, but you felt uncomfortable going to church just the two of you when he has a girlfriend, it's not something you feel is appropriate, and something you feel you just shouldn't do with a man who has a girlfriend, and feel free to say it with a smile. No harm in being just friends, as long as that's where you both keep it as long as he's commited elsewhere.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 07:50 PM   #8
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CMAD227 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

I know this sounds a little silly, but what could I do to seem less interested in being around him at work, or enjoying his presence at so much? How about what I should say if he calls me on my acting differently? Should I just come right out and say, "The nature of our relationship is going to change from this point forward for a couple reasons" ? Goodness, for someone who thought she had good communication skills, I seem to be pretty clueless about this one.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 08:04 PM   #9
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

I know alot of Christian men who flirt. The preacher/principal at the school where I teach is a flirt. He is so in love with his wife and he does it just to be funny. He invites me to his church all the time. Maybe this guy just wants to be friends and go to church with you? Maybe his girlfriend isn't into going to church? I don't see the big deal. If you like his church then go. He didn't take you to a strip club and he wasn't out of line right? I would still be friendly with him, who knows maybe you will become great friends. Or maybe something in the future. If he's a true Christian then he's just trying to be friends. I think it's kinda cute he asked you to church, I love a man that openly admits his love for Christ. That's sexy. lol

 
Old 12-26-2005, 08:42 PM   #10
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Hiya HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CMAD227
I know this sounds a little silly, but what could I do to seem less interested in being around him at work, or enjoying his presence at so much? How about what I should say if he calls me on my acting differently? Should I just come right out and say, "The nature of our relationship is going to change from this point forward for a couple reasons" ? Goodness, for someone who thought she had good communication skills, I seem to be pretty clueless about this one.
I'm not sure if you really have to say anything. Just cool it on the stuff like kissing if that is going to lead you to feel like you want more than just platonic friendship. If he says anythign about it, just be honest. Tell him you've begun to have romantic feelings for him and you felt he was reciprocating them, but as long as he has a girlfriend, you think it's best you not go there.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 04:19 AM   #11
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

I'm going to go out on a limb here.
I don't know how long this guy has been dating his girlfriend, but here goes:
Back in the olden days people actually dated - they didn't become exclusively monogomous after 1 or 2 dates. People might actually date more than one person (which did not automatically translate into having sex by the way)

I dated a guy who was going out with me and also with another girl who was of the same religious denomination as him. She got the guy. So, for me going to church is a potentially more interesting sign than the rest here.
Ruth

 
Old 12-27-2005, 10:36 AM   #12
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CMAD227 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I dated a guy who was going out with me and also with another girl who was of the same religious denomination as him. She got the guy. So, for me going to church is a potentially more interesting sign than the rest here.
Ruth
Thanks Ruth, for the reply, but I'm not sure what you meant by the last part...Do you mean him asking me to church is a sign of his interest? And to answer part of what you have asked, he said a long time ago that they have been dating for nearly two years. From what I gather (not that this matters in the least bit regarding what I should do about the whole thing) she is a different denomination that he is. He had told me before that he was getting back into attending church; I just thought it a tad peculiar that he asked me to go with him, a co-worker whom he knows does not attend church regularly (although I never told him I was against it).

 
Old 12-27-2005, 11:27 AM   #13
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TTBABM HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

cmad

He is testing the waters, it's an ego game with some guys. If it was just a friendly get together he would have made it clear why you and not the girlfriend. Just remember he will do the same to you no matter how good of a person you are. Be careful!!! His girlfriend probably does not know and does not deserve to be treated that way.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 01:19 PM   #14
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CMAD227 HB User
Re: In a sticky situation...

Good day everyone.

Thanks for all the advice and feedback. I will see this guy tomorrow for the first time since we went somewhere together outside work. I'm a little nervous to see him tomorrow, but with everything I've been told, I feel confident about seeing him then.

 
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