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Old 12-25-2005, 10:56 AM   #1
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Sister in-law is prego

Hi,

I'm not sure how to explain this, but I'll try. My brother and I are very close, have been all our lives. We are both married now and still remain close. He just moved to my town. I've always had this competition thing with my sister in-law. She's nice but opinionated and bossy. When we would do stuff together like biking or such, you could tell we were in a race of some sort. Well, now she's pregnant. I am very happy for them, but I can't help the feeling of being put lower on my brother's list of important people, which I know is NORMAL!! This is all very selfish I know, but I can't help it. Plus, my hubby and I probably aren't going to have kids by choice, but now this makes me think about it. I'm 39 and he's 48 so we're pretty old anyways. Will I regret not having kids? I'll be the old aunt who "never had any children".

For so many years, my brother and I have just had eachother, and now it's so different.

Thanks for listening.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 11:01 AM   #2
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Have you ever done anything "girlie" with just you and your sister in law, like shopping and going to lunch, antiqueing, or just to a movie, just to get to know her a little more and get a little closer with her? Perhaps if you forge your own relationship with her separate and apart from your brother, you won't feel like you have to compete against her so much for position in your brother's affection ladder. Aren't there also times when your husband comes before your brother? That's only natural. Dont' sweat it. It will take a little readjusting, but you can get through this.

 
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Old 12-25-2005, 11:32 AM   #3
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Actually we do do stuff together and have a great time. I think it must be really hard for her because she knows how close we are. I can only imagine what it would be like if my hubby and his sister were so close. I think this will bring us closer, I really do. I'll get over the jealousy stuff I'm sure, right now it's just all so strange. Maybe it's just jealousy. A baby is something I don't really want, but am just not sure. I'm at that age where it's now or never, right??

 
Old 12-25-2005, 11:59 AM   #4
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Yeah, pretty much. But no one says you HAVE to have kids. If it's somethin you really don't want, then certainly don't have one just to keep up with your SIL. If you're not sure, maybe when your brother's little one is born, that will help you decide once and for all. Offer to babysit a few times and see how releaved you are when it comes time to hand Denice or Denephew back over to his/her mom and dad. Maybe this is a good thing for you in disguise. Maybe this will help settle your mind once and for all on the issue of having kids of your own.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 05:48 PM   #5
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

My husband and I don't have children, and I am not only the aunt who didn't have kids, I'm the GREAT-aunt who didn't have kids.
I am also the all-time FAVORITE aunt & great-aunt precisely for that reason. I am a grown-up who doesn't talk to them like a parent. I am fun, and treat them like individuals.
I also had an aunt who never married or had children and she has a fond spot in my heart and in my siblings heart because - here was an adult who WANTED to be with us, who treated us with special individual care, who didn't talk like a parent to us.
She even was the stepping stone to independent living for many of us. We rented a room for a year at her house and got our feet wet.

Do I have regrets? Not for not have children. Sometimes I miss having a grandchild to spoil - but then I have 10 great nieces & nephews so I pick up the phone and off I go.

There are alot of reasons to have children. I'm thinking you might want to think about your reasons and talk it over with your husband before you jump in...

 
Old 12-25-2005, 08:52 PM   #6
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

39 is now or never, after 35 only 25% of the women able to have kids. Your own baby is different. Some women don't like other people children but like there own. Babysit somebody's kid would only turn me off, with my own is different. I would not do for the aunt as much as I would do for a parent, it could be different in some cases.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 10:12 PM   #7
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt
39 is now or never, after 35 only 25% of the women able to have kids. Your own baby is different. Some women don't like other people children but like there own. Babysit somebody's kid would only turn me off, with my own is different. I would not do for the aunt as much as I would do for a parent, it could be different in some cases.
Interestingly enough, I just had this conversation with someone this weekend. He said his wife used to have a strong aversion to having kids and was very irritated by friends' and family's children. But once they had their own kid, she completely changed her mind! I guess what you're saying can be true. Also, another friend of mine told me that she has A LOT more patience for her own kid than she ever had for anyone else's kids. It must be something that nature programmed. And I agree, 39 IS now or never, as much as people get influenced by news of 45-year-old actresses having babies for the first time. It only does women a huge disservice because they think they, too, can wait till 45 and have no problems. But what they don't know that these wealthy actresses got a lot of help from technology and a lot of them had frozen their eggs years ago. An average woman does not have the same means or the options that a famous person does. I'm not saying everyone should hurry up and have kids before their biological clock runs out, but I think it's wise to at least consider the pros and cons very seriously, so as not to regret the decision later.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 06:25 PM   #8
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Ohh, home after a loooong day of travel.

Thanks for all your replies. Ruth, you are music to my ears. I know there are lots and lots of couples out there who have not had kids, It's just hard to find them. I know I'll be an awesome aunt like you. I'll be the fun one with horses. It's just hard knowing this is it for me as far as having our own kids. My hubby and I have agreed that we'd adopt if we really wanted kids. I guess as time goes by I will get used to the idea. My brother having a kid is even harder for me then when my Dad remarried and had two more kids. Their about 21 years younger than me, so I didn't see the competiton like I do now. I'm sure it's just a bit of jealousy on my part.

Thanks!!

 
Old 12-26-2005, 06:36 PM   #9
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Look at all the positives. You SIL will have new respect for you when you can take the baby and give her a break, she'll need one. Also being a mom of three I can tell you that there are times I wonder what freedom is. I would NOT want my life to be any other way but with my babies but I still wonder. I waited until I was 27 to have mine and I have more patience for waiting. Also I wanted to add that being an adopted parent is honorable and selfless and if you did decide to do that you would make an awesome mom because you "chose" that child. Other peoples kids sometimes irratate me too if they are not disaplines properly and they disrespect their parents. I love the one's that are sweet and loving, you never know what type of child you will get. At least with your SIL's child you can always send him/her home.
My brother and I only became close after he had a child and now my neice babysits for me all the time and I pretty much have her more then he does. Him and I are closer now then ever. He knows that I treat that child just like she is my own. So this child will only bring you all closer. Have fun spoiling this baby. You'll get to see your brother in a whole new way.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 07:30 PM   #10
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Lot of agency won't allow 40+ person to adopt a baby, you can check it out. One thing is wait until you are 27, another until you are 39. I am 40y old with 3y old baby. Don't I wish it happened earlier and I could of give her relative. At this stage is too hard phisically and financially, she is at daycare and still in diapers. I have much less energy and patience than I had in early 30th.
Another thing with adopted baby he is very likely be unhealthy and have emotinal and other problems. You can imagine who could be his/her parents. I am not against adoption but I don't think it is for everybody. If you don't want hardships with your own baby unlikely its for you. It is nice to be an aunt although unlikely kids will do for you what they would do for there mother.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 07:32 PM   #11
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Lot of agency won't allow 40+ person to adopt a baby, you can check it out. One thing is wait until you are 27, another until you are 39. I am 40y old with 3y old baby. Don't I wish it happened earlier and I could of give her relative. At this stage is too hard phisically and financially, she is at daycare and still in diapers. I have much less energy and patience than I had in early 30th.
Another thing with adopted baby he is very likely be unhealthy and have emotinal and other problems. You can imagine who could be his/her parents. I am not against adoption but I don't think it is for everybody. If you don't want hardships with your own baby unlikely its for you. It is nice to be an aunt although unlikely kids will do for you what they would do for there mother. I don't tell you what to do just some thoughts.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 09:11 PM   #12
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Due to the competitive nature of your relationship with the SIL, that's probably what's caused the second guessing of your original decision not to have children. Did you ever have any concerns before? Hopefully it will pass.

And just to add, my Aunty that does not have any children is my all time favourite Aunt. Yes because she treats me like an adult, because I don't have to compete for her attention from her other kids (so like having another Mother), she's fun, carefree, can do anything at the drop of a hat, and because she doesn't have children of her own, she adores me... and it makes me feel special. AND, she has HORSES TOO. With that combination, what could beat it???
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Old 12-27-2005, 03:54 AM   #13
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Gosh Stormgirl, until we got to the HORSES part I was starting to wonder if one of my own nieces had found their way to HealthBoards!

Honestly, I think that having a baby just because other people are doing it is not such a good idea. Keeping up with the Jones'es (and sister-in-laws) should draw the line at big screen TV's, cars & motorcycles. (Yes, in my husband's family they actually do this - the brother gets a motorcyle, the brother-in-law gets a motorcycle)

I'm sure not putting down having children - I'm sure glad my mom decided to (!!) but there are alot of reasons that women don't have children - and alot of wrong reason to have them.

I agree that it is the rivalry & competition issues that need to be dealt with in this case..

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 12-27-2005 at 03:55 AM.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 07:27 AM   #14
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I'm sure not putting down having children - I'm sure glad my mom decided to (!!) but there are alot of reasons that women don't have children - and alot of wrong reason to have them.
:
Good point; some people should not have children. My parents, for example, are among these people. Unfortunately, it's too late now.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 10:48 AM   #15
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Re: Sister in-law is prego

Ruth and Stormgirl, thanks for making me feel a whole lot better!! I was thinking in Yoga today how I don't have any close Aunts. I have one Aunt who doesn't even talk to our family, and my other Aunt is great but we just aren't close. I guess I am an Aunt by marriage, but those kids are older and we don't have much to say to eachother.

I'm sure the competition thing is bringing up these feelings of thinking I should have kids. I had one friend once tell me I should have a kid becuase if my hubby ever dies, I'd have a piece of him with me. That's all true, but is that a reason to have kids? Probably not. Kind of a morbid thing to say.

Oh, I'm sure the new child will love us, we'll have horses and motorcycles.


 
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