It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 12-25-2005, 06:37 PM   #1
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 73
quamen HB User
can i still be friends with her?

My ex gf who i was with for almost a year,cheated on me with her ex bf. She was at a party and says she wasnt drunk,but decided to sleep with him. After that she apologized so much but i had to dump her. She pops up here and there with calling me or sending me an im message.Im confused and think she wants to be friends or what not,but i dont know what to do.I want to be friends,but i dont know if it would be a health friendship.WE got along really well and were like best friends,until she cheated on me and i exploded and got really upset. She called me the other day,and i was very happy to here from her. for some reason ithink she wants to be closer again,but im not sure what to do without getting hurt again?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 12-25-2005, 06:47 PM   #2
Inactive
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

It's up to you. Nothing in life is certain. She may never do it again or she might. I personally do not trust anyone that sleeps with someone else. I think it's nasty. What kind of consideration is that when your partner could be giving you an STD? Being a woman I can tell you that she wants her cake and eat it to. Of course she wants you back. I just don't understand why you were not good enough that she had to get a taste of someone else. I would think about that. Do you really have to settle for a person like that? Good luck whatever you decide.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 12-25-2005, 07:01 PM   #3
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 73
quamen HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

i kind of blame myself at times for her cheating. We didnt have sex for a very long time,because i became very paronoid of her getting pregnant.She refused to take any type of birth control,but stayed with me anyway with no intimacy in our relationship. I think she might have just gotten very frusterated and decided to do what she did, but she said that wasnt the case. She said he took control of her,but i didnt beleive that or she would have taken further steps to get him in trouble.

 
Old 12-25-2005, 08:20 PM   #4
Inactive
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

Your very right about that. I can gaurentee you also that a woman CAN withhold from sex. Also, rape is rape and if that was the case she would have said it to you up front like it was or been really shook up and not said anything rather then "oh by the way I met my ex and we slept together" that doesn't really sound like she was forced but then again you never know. There is NO excuse for cheating, none, zero, zip. Bottom line is she should not have done what she did. Sure you can be friends but I really doubt that's what she's after. Sounds like she wants things she can't have and then goes in for the kill and then your history again and then on to the next pray.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 06:19 AM   #5
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 396
wildcat66 HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

If I were in this situation I would not talk to her but avoid he altogather . Why would you want to have a friend that betrayed you as a girlfiend? As far as the sex goes rather than not have it I would have used condoms but this was still not a reason for her to cheat, she obviously still has feelings for her EX or she wouldnt have done it so dont let her trick your mind into thinking you are to blame. Dude this woman sounds like my ex she did similar things when we were togather and I can assure you that deep down inside you will never regain the trust so the best thing to do is get her out of your life and find someone that is honest. NO CALLS ANO VISITS NO E-MAILING OR LETTERS.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 10:25 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 777
OutToLunch HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulcatcher
There is NO excuse for cheating, none, zero, zip.
I agree 100%, but I've heard a number of women excuse themselves by saying they were drunk. Do you think that's a valid excuse? I sure don't.

Last edited by OutToLunch; 12-26-2005 at 12:39 PM.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 10:36 AM   #7
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 73
quamen HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

I dont think that is a valid excuse at all,and you guys helped me see the real problem. I think one of the biggest problems is that i was in a comfort zone. I already knew her well,she knew me well and everyone likes to go back to what they know. I just was thinking of all th time and effort put into making something work,but then the other person just ruins it all. I think i should just broaden my horizens and start dating more and getting out there. one of the problems I have to encounter is being so damn nervous around girls. I do have some confidence,but i always get worried of what they think of me,being rejected etc. I believe that is how come i never get many dates or have any friends that are girls. Im about to be 24 and my dating life is nill,but the only person who can change that is myself. I just felt so heartbroken because i cared for her so much and treated her with so much respect etc. I couldnt beleive she would go back to her ex for that night,when he cheated on her multiple times throughout their relationship. After that night she called it quits with him,and then i dont know what happened. It seems like im to nice sometimes and end up getting taken advantage of and walked over.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 10:37 AM   #8
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 151
muzicman66 HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

No. When one starts using alcohol as an excuse for their behavior, they tend to later use other excuses for their actions.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 01:05 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 777
OutToLunch HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

quamen,

It's understandable that you feel like you're in a comfort zone with this person. I remember when an ex-gf cheated on me. We had started out as friends so I was used to having her in my life. And when I found out that she cheated, I ended the relationship, but there was a part of me that didn't want her to be completely out of my life. At first, I thought we could go back to being friends. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't have any respect for this person and didn't find her trustworthy. So I not only ended the relationship, I ended the friendship as well. That might seem extreme, but if a person cheats, how can you respect them as a person? And if you can't respect someone, how can you be friends with them? All of my friends have flaws, but I accept them despite those flaws. However, infidelity is one of those things I can never forgive. I can't respect someone who cheats. I don't care how drunk they were. There are some mistakes you just don't make. This girl who cheated on you is not the person you thought she was. Everytime you get involved with someone, you open yourself up to get hurt. But if you don't take that risk, you might miss out on something great. I know what you mean about letting people walk all over you. I do that too, but I've gotten better at standing up to people and demanding better treatment. Sometimes we put up with certain things cause we want to be liked. But we also want to be treated with respect and a person who walks all over you isn't treating you with respect. If they really liked you and cared about you, they'd treat you better.

And you're right. You do need to get out there and meet people. Dating is a numbers game so the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone who's right for you. It's OK to be nervous around girls, but one thing you'll hear over and over and over and over again from women is that they like a man with confidence. What you need to do is find confidence in yourself. Think of all your good qualities, things you're proud of, things that make you someone worth knowing. Don't dwell on the things you don't like about yourself or the things you fear women will be turned off by, especially if they're things you can't change. We all have the fear of rejection. Just ask yourself what's the worse that happens if you're rejected by someone. You get turned. Sure it stings, but always remember there are plenty of other women out there. Also, chalk it up as a learning experience. Maybe your approach needs refinement. Learn from what you did and resolve to not do it again.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 01:32 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

And may I say that whatever the reason someone chooses to say no to sex outside of marriage (and fear of pregancy is a very good one since no method is foolproof) I am standing here applauding you - and telling you that anyone who would sleep around because their partner has a good reason not to have sex with them is NOT marriage material.
What if you ended up with diabetes? or a spinal cord injury like Christopher Reeve?
Being faithful is something you CHOOSE to be.
She didn't.
(nuff said)

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:42 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,542
keepsgoin HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

Man you guys are brutal! Never a second chance? I'm a woman, I can see if she was frustrated at you not wanting to make love to her...you can use condoms and then as an extra precaution you pull out before...ya know....this kept me from getting pregnant my entire life, I wasn't able to take the pill. She said she wasn't drinking...I think a lot of people misunderstood that in your original post of this thread. I cannot sit here and say for you to not give her a second chance or be her friend...I'm human...I have made some bad mistakes that I was fogiven for!
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 12-26-2005, 05:59 PM   #12
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 73
quamen HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

are you a cheater, it seems like everyone is aganist what she did except you?

 
Old 12-26-2005, 06:30 PM   #13
Inactive
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

If you get rejected then they are not the right one for you. If it were that easy then we would all have someone. A real girl will like a less assertive guy. I personally look for the quiet guy that isn't starring at all the girls. I sit back and watch. You can't just sit there and say nothing. If you see someone you like at least look over and smile and say hi. IF she's interested she'll come up to you. No offense to your age but there will be PLENTY of girls out there. Seems like when you get older there is a shortage of good guys so you will do just fine.
Some things don't deserve a second chance, would you want a second chance at someone giving you HIV? umm no. It's not like a guy bought her a drink, he was intimate with her. sorry but yuck.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 07:54 PM   #14
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 151
muzicman66 HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

HIV, The topic I find on the board that"s not mentioned by all these people, when their talking about being intimate so quickly with another.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 09:52 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia!!
Posts: 880
StormGirl HB User
Re: can i still be friends with her?

Well, I'm not a cheater, and while I am totally against what she did, I think it's important to point out that some people do value sex very highly, and feel very neglected and unwanted if their partner does not want share that with them - even women. You have your views, and she has hers. If you are unable to be physical for whatever reason etc, then that's a different story... but if the only concern was pregnancy, then there are other precautions to take and maybe she did not fully understand your motives for not wanting to be intimate with her. She may have said she did, but the feelings of being unwanted may have negated them. It's just another point of view. It still doesn't excuse what she did, but sometimes there are 2 sides to a story... not just the most obvious one.

In saying that, she should have at least spoken to you about her concerns first before she ran out and had sex with someone else. And of course, as mentioned, she puts herself and others at risk of STD's which is never pleasant.

Whether you want to be friends with her or not... entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong answer. Just do what feels right, but keep in the back of you mind that you also need to have your best interests at heart. Not just talk to her because it will make her happy, because it might end up hurting you.
__________________
StormGirl

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas? zm1111zm Relationship Health 17 06-02-2010 10:09 PM
Broken up but still very in love ICF Relationship Health 30 11-01-2007 04:21 PM
My bf is still close friends with his ex betterdays20 Relationship Health 22 06-19-2007 02:58 PM
One Year Clean And Still Goin Strong!!!!!.....long... jaysonismyheart Addiction & Recovery 5 05-04-2007 01:28 PM
Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal? ladyjustice Relationship Health 16 11-16-2006 01:57 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:52 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!