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Old 12-26-2005, 11:42 AM   #1
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SophiaM HB User
Feel betrayed by a friend

Hi guys, I feel SO hurt and betrayed by my male friend whose girlfriend hates me for no reason. I sent him a cute, friendly e-card for Christmas a couple of days ago, and I know he's seen it because the site sent me a notification when he opened it. However, he did not respond AT ALL. Didn't send me an e-card back, no phonecall, no text-message even. I can't believe it!! We were close friends for YEARS. And now, just because of this woman, he won't even exchange small pleasantries with me, even as little as a Merry Christmas??? I loved this guy like a brother. I can't believe people can cut you off from their lives just like that. I never did anything to him to deserve this treatment and I have a hard time understanding it. I am trying to recall if I could possibly have offended him in any way, and I just can't find anything in the past few months that I did or said that could make him be so indifferent all of a sudden. Is that normal??? I mean, I know this woman hates me because she is jealous of me, but I honestly never had any romantic interest in this guy. I would have invited him to my wedding if I were getting married, and I would hope he would do the same, but now it seems like I lost a good friend forever for NO good reason!

 
Old 12-26-2005, 12:03 PM   #2
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muzicman66 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Unfortunately, this is a common problem, when one who is friends with another of the opposite sex, starts dating exclusively. He"ll come around after the holidays.
Ask him if this is going to happen in the future.

 
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Old 12-26-2005, 12:23 PM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

When a man is faced with a jealous insecure girlfriend that he is sleeping with
vs
a girl friend that is platonic
the sleeping with part always seems to win out.
I don't think it means that your friendship means less to him, but I do think his priority seems to be the girlfriend.
I also wouldn't worry about it unless this heads towards marriage. At which point sorry to say it will still be your job to become this girls new best friend so that she will realize that she has no reason to feel threatened by you.
Which doesn't happen overnight in situations like this.
I never felt threatened by my husband's ex-girlfriends let alone any females he was just friends with.
But, I've seen alot of situtations where there IS reason to be worried if you're the girlfriend and maybe she's been through it before and got dumped for the friend. Or knew someone who had it turn out bad.

Regardless, I do understand your frustration and sense of loss. But, at this point I'm betting you'd be better off to back off - this girl will most likely be insecure and controlling in other areas and maybe your guy friend will tire of it before they get real serious...

 
Old 12-26-2005, 12:27 PM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by muzicman66
Unfortunately, this is a common problem, when one who is friends with another of the opposite sex, starts dating exclusively. He"ll come around after the holidays.
Ask him if this is going to happen in the future.
Really? I am no threat to this woman, if only she knew that! He's been with her for a couple of years now, but was always ambivalent about her. I tried to be nice to her, even invited her to my birthday a few months ago, but she didn't come. We went out to dinner once and she seemed very nice, but apparently, it was all an act! Later, when they got home, she said all kinds of horrible things about me And I was so foolish to think we got along! This woman is a real witch. My friend and I always called each other for the holidays and birthdays, and exchanged gifts. When he was broken up with her at the time of his last birthday, I took him out to a nice dinner. And now to go from that to nothing, is just bizarre. Maybe she finally managed to get more commitment out of him, but still, what does one have to do with the other? See, she is a very forceful woman, six years older than my friend, and not the most attractive by society's standards. She looks "mannish," to be honest. She tries to boss him around, and I don't really care, as long as it's fine with him, but now that she forbade him to be in any contact with me, in makes me mad. He is a bit on a "wimpy" side, which is why I never had any interest in him as a man, but to allow her to boss him around like that--it's just maddening.

I don't know...I just feel so disposable to everyone. It sucks

Last edited by SophiaM; 12-26-2005 at 12:54 PM.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 01:54 PM   #5
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OutToLunch HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

This man is not a good friend. If he truly values his friendship with you, he would treat you just as he always has regardless of how his gilrfriend feels. If she's jealous of his friendship with you, then he needs to tell her "Trust me when I say we're just friends and if you don't trust me, then there's the door." Good friends are hard to come by, which is why he should be willing to risk his relationship with her to remain friends with you. Now, if he's just worried about how it'll make her feel if continues being friends with you, then you need to tell him grow a spine and not take you for granted.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 02:50 PM   #6
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opielonghorn HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

sophia, my friend... don't feel disposable. this is soooo not about you. this is about him and what he's going through right now. i have been through this countless times in my life, although much more so with women friends who find a guy and then disappear off the earth for a little while. eventually, they have to come back to reality and they do often realize that they have been neglecting their friends. try as hard as you can not to take the unanswered e-mail as an indicator as everything that's to come. there's been plenty of times when i've opened an e-card or an e-mail and not answered it immediately. maybe i was just checking my e-mail quickly and telling myself that i'd answer it properly when i had more time. people can be very wrapped up in their own stuff, and inadvertantly inconsiderate as a result. ruth had a great point of this being a possible motivator to win this girl over. there will be lots of times in our lives when we see someone we care for with a partner who we're not crazy about, and the best course of action tends to be to stay neutral. it stinks if she is really setting down rules about who or who he can't be friends with, but eventually, that will get old for him. and if it doesn't, just feel sorry for him that he can't stand up to her and have the relationship that he deserves to have.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 02:54 PM   #7
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Hi Sophia

Hope that you had a great Christmas, apart from your friend's stupid GF.

It is sad that some girls feel threatened by sweet women like you, and act really aggressively and protectively towards what they think are their possessions. But the fact is it is your friend to blame, not her. He might have presented you as a threat? May be unintentionally just by telling her how close you both are? Maybe she doesn't want him to have a cushion to fall on if they argue or break up? The fact that he introduced you to her, and that you were pleasant to her, should make her feel relaxed about the whole issue. The way she behaves shows that she's deeply an inconfident woman.
Regardless, he could have sent you a greeting without her knowing if she is that controlling.
I think Sophia that you should also give him some time, because it might not be that easy for him to access his email at this time of the year? Or he might be away?
Anyway, again I hope that you had a great time otherwise.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:02 PM   #8
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
Hi Sophia

Hope that you had a great Christmas, apart from your friend's stupid GF.

It is sad that some girls feel threatened by sweet women like you, and act really aggressively and protectively towards what they think are their possessions. But the fact is it is your friend to blame, not her. He might have presented you as a threat? May be unintentionally just by telling her how close you both are? Maybe she doesn't want him to have a cushion to fall on if they argue or break up? The fact that he introduced you to her, and that you were pleasant to her, should make her feel relaxed about the whole issue. The way she behaves shows that she's deeply an inconfident woman.
Regardless, he could have sent you a greeting without her knowing if she is that controlling.
I think Sophia that you should also give him some time, because it might not be that easy for him to access his email at this time of the year? Or he might be away?
Anyway, again I hope that you had a great time otherwise.
Thank you. No, he definitely saw the ecard because i got a notification that he opened it. Besides, he always used to call me for Christmas and other holidays, and we even sometimes exchanged gifts. He's been avoiding me for a few months now and I don't know why. He's been dating this woman for a couple of years now, so I don't know what changed. He breaks up with her from time to time and then he's always happy to hang out with me, but he never fell completely out of touch like this, or not even say "merry christmas." Oh well, I guess you just can't count on anyone these days.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:13 PM   #9
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by opielonghorn
sophia, my friend... don't feel disposable. this is soooo not about you. .
Maybe so, Opie, but I can't help but feel disposable. It seems like not only my relationships but now even friendships are doomed. And I always tried to be a good friend. I think if I died tomorrow, nobody would even notice or miss me that much. I have a few very good friends who are probably always going to be in my life, but all of them live far away. Nobody lives close, or even in the same city. I don't know how to live each day anymore. I have no direction in life and nothing to look forward to.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:22 PM   #10
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Oh Sophia, I think that these feelings of lonliness are aggravated due to the fact that you are a student away from your family? right? and holidays can be depressive sometimes...
I think if I were you, I would ring him, wish him a happy New Year and tell him that you are slightly disappointed with him for not replying or ringing. You are friends after all. Just don't take it to heart. I think he will not want to lose to you but maybe being a bit insensitive for reasons out of his control. I believe that he doesn't know that he's hurting you, and sometimes it only take someone to be open about the way the feel for the other to understand. Some people can really be thick sometimes. So why don't you ring him?

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:22 PM   #11
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

I am guilty of being one of those woman who will not allow my husband to have girl "friends". I am attractive and secure but I know all too well the things I pulled in my younger days. I am dominant and I am also very territorial. I do not believe for a second that a girl needs to be sending a guy emails and cards or taking him to dinner if he's my man. It's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust another woman. I think there are all types of woman out there and even though there may be good woman out there , there are still bad ones and you can't weed them out because they come off as the nicest sweetest people and when your not looking they stab you in the back. So maybe this girl has been taken advantage of too many times. Don't take it as your a bad person, it's just her territory now. Good luck

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:27 PM   #12
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

SoulCatcher, You might be right if Sophia has treated his GF as invisible and ignored her, and belittled her. She even invited her to a party. Sophia doesn't deserve to be treated with ****rudeness*** simply because he sleeps with his GF who wants to isolate him from the whole world to make sure that he doesn't betray her. That is REDICULOUS, she CAN'T cage a man like that. Sophia is his friend, not her rival.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:27 PM   #13
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opielonghorn HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Maybe so, Opie, but I can't help but feel disposable. It seems like not only my relationships but now even friendships are doomed. And I always tried to be a good friend. I think if I died tomorrow, nobody would even notice or miss me that much. I have a few very good friends who are probably always going to be in my life, but all of them live far away. Nobody lives close, or even in the same city. I don't know how to live each day anymore. I have no direction in life and nothing to look forward to.
i know it is hard not to feel that way sometimes. i would not doubt for a minute that you try hard (and succeed) in being a good friend. and not being a ny native myself (who is?) i know how it feels to have some of my closest friends so far away. it took me a very long time to make relationships here that i would call intimate. and at one point, i uttered those same words as you: that i had no direction and nothing to look forward to. that's what made me shake everything up. you've heard me say it a million times, so i won't bore you with repeating it. but i had to stop saying 'i wish' and instead had to start saying 'i will'. is there anything at all that you want to do, something that you can work towards? whatever it is, even if it seems absolutely crazy, tell us. and if you don't know, maybe we can do something about that, too. btw, i may be next door to you- wouldn't that be insane?

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:27 PM   #14
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muzicman66 HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

Thr holiday blues are happening. Been there. One day, When your married and older, you will look back on these type of holiday"s and appreciate what you have.

 
Old 12-26-2005, 03:28 PM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Feel betrayed by a friend

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand that mode of thinking. I don't want this guy romantically at all and never did. I like him as a friend. If I had my own husband or a boyfriend, I would invite the BOTH of them to various parties and events. Should we not have friends of both sexes? It's not my fault that I"m single. I don't want to be. Why should I be constantly punished for it.

 
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