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Old 12-27-2005, 12:48 PM   #1
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We are getting married, so cofused!!

My BF and I have finally decided we are getting married sometime in January. I have lived with him for about three years, and I loved him a lot. There are issues to do with him having a child to a very nasty ex, and a mum who loses sight of everything for the sake of her grandson. He also sometimes drinks excessively. He's got a decent job and he's a PhD student so he's not irresponsible but his attitude to spending money leaves him always skint. Now these issues have put me always under presssure, but I love him. I can't imagine putting up with trouble but I can't afford to lose him at the moment.

Now we have decided to get married, and I am very apprehensive. I am away from my family but they met him/liked him and it's now up to us...this marriage issue I mean.

I live with him already so I feel like he's my husband except in legal terms. Marriage will make life more practical to us except for the fact that we are from different countries and one of us has to move homes abroad, which he doesn't mind because he's into travelling and that.

I need your advice on what to think about before taking this massive step in my life. I feel like I really want to be with him but I am quite apprehensive of our future together.

Last edited by Nina000; 12-27-2005 at 12:49 PM.

 
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Old 12-27-2005, 01:08 PM   #2
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

I don't understand what you mean when you say you live with him already, but one of you will have to move homes abroad (which sounds like you live in different countries).
Please clarify.
Also, just FYI, don't go into this thinking that he will change or improve to your liking, because it doesn't work that way. If you're unsure, maybe you should wait a while.

 
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Old 12-27-2005, 01:12 PM   #3
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Thanks Rose,

Yes we live together because I study in England. He is English, I am only studying here.

Last edited by Nina000; 12-27-2005 at 01:12 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 01:23 PM   #4
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

He has drinking issues, a great potential to spend money is a way you very much will have arguments over, a wretch of an ex that you are entering into a long term relationship with, and a mother-in-law that sounds like no source for comfort...and you said you can't imagine putting up with trouble. If you won't put up with it, what power do you think you will have to change what it is that will cause the trouble...none unfortunately.

Think this through very long and hard.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 01:23 PM   #5
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

oh I see, what is your home country? where would you prefer to live? there or in England?

 
Old 12-27-2005, 01:48 PM   #6
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

There is what's called a "functioning alcoholic" which is what I am married to. They can finish school and work but eventually down the road (and it's a long road) it gets worse. They don't wake up one day and say "umm I've had enough, I think I'll quit". I think if you do go into this marriage thinking this way you might hate yourself for it later. I would leave the situation the way it is for now. The ex might be a problem but that's what happens when the one you love has baggage. The MIL you don't really have to deal with. Why do you feel you HAVE to marry him? I know you love him but haven't you seen thus far that things are not going to change? The only thing that would concern me is the way he spends his money and the biggest would be his drinking. Good luck gir. I know it's hard because you love him and you'll probably go through with it but just know what you deserve and don't settle for less. You don't have to settle.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:44 PM   #7
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulcatcher
The MIL you don't really have to deal with.
I would resepctfully disagree. She is marrying into the whole family, like them or not. Any trouble they cause him will also cause her the same. Because of his child, she is entering into a long term relationship with both his ex and his mother and she will be forced to deal with both - and with him when he does not handle either of those women like she wants him to.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 05:24 PM   #8
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

To many negatives not worked out yet, for a happy marriage to prosper.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 05:43 PM   #9
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by muzicman66
To many negatives not worked out yet, for a happy marriage to prosper.
Uh huh. If you go into a marriage with doubts, it will never change. Sort out your issues first as best you can, then talk marriage. If you feel you can not deal with certain aspects of your lives together, then you are not ready to marry him.
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Old 12-27-2005, 05:52 PM   #10
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Thank you everyone for your input. It's true that I dwelt on the negatives here but he also was very supportive, loving and special in many other ways.

Well, I live with him and I have to deal with these issues whether we get married or not. I am not at this point when I want to completely break it off. I want to help him. He already promised sorting out few issues. I am from East Europe and if we don't get married, I will have to leave back home in a year, after I finish my studies, and I can't come to England easily to see him. I feel that I am giving him up once and for all then. It is a very difficult situation, having lived in England for more than 4 years` now, and got very used to him. He's my first live-in bf. I found a lot of happiness with him after suffering for months with an ex (he was the one I would call Alcoholic) and I am very dependent on him emotionally now. We had our arguments, but I want this relationship to work out so bad.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 06:03 PM   #11
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

I'm sure he does have many wonderful attributes as well. If you guys can seriously talk about and try to resolve as many issues as possible, then you are on your way.

However, it's not healthy to be emotionally dependant on him. Loving him very much will not be the only thing that will make a marriage work. After all, the things that you just 'deal' with now will be magnified if you were to be married because then you will feel truly 'obliged' to deal with them forever. Marriage does not always mean sunshine and happy times, it means years of working together to ensure a relationship is maintained through the rigours of life.

So being emotionally dependant on him, marrying because it's easier that way for you to be with him and because you don't want to break it off... should not be the main reasons for getting married. I just feel that there are complications in your relationship that really need to be resolved before you get married, otherwise they will never really go away and the resentment will build.
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Old 12-27-2005, 06:28 PM   #12
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
Thank you everyone for your input. It's true that I dwelt on the negatives here but he also was very supportive, loving and special in many other ways.

Well, I live with him and I have to deal with these issues whether we get married or not. I am not at this point when I want to completely break it off. I want to help him. He already promised sorting out few issues. I am from East Europe and if we don't get married, I will have to leave back home in a year, after I finish my studies, and I can't come to England easily to see him. I feel that I am giving him up once and for all then. It is a very difficult situation, having lived in England for more than 4 years` now, and got very used to him. He's my first live-in bf. I found a lot of happiness with him after suffering for months with an ex (he was the one I would call Alcoholic) and I am very dependent on him emotionally now. We had our arguments, but I want this relationship to work out so bad.
Hey Nina! Well, if it would interfere with you coming back easily, I would say don't move back to Eastern Europe. I love Eastern and Central Europe,--my family is from there, but it's still not the best place to be, economically. The people there are wonderful--very friendly and hospitable--I have many friends from Eastern, Central, and Western Europe. But if you move back, you might never be able to live in England again. Nobody will gurantee you an easy life there, unless you marry a wealthy man. Nobody here will understand it because they don't know. In Western Europe, it's easier to be ok financially, even if you're single. You will have a PhD soon. You are obviously a smart, educated woman with lots of opportunities. Is your country a EU member? If not, I think you should marry your boyfriend. I know it will sound too "calculated," but you love this man and you've spent a few good years of your life with him. You deserve a right to stay in England, and England should be lucky to have a wonderful, highly educated woman like you! If anything, you deserve to be a citizen there. Don't be foolish and lose that opportunity. My ex-fiancee's ex was Italian. She lived with him for over four years, as did I. Unfortunately, she didn't have any legal rights to stay in the U.S. Guess what, after all that time, he dumped her. Never married her. She had to go back to Italy, to her screwed up family, and start over from scratch! She had to go back to her parents and sleep on their couch as a 30--year-old woman! As much as I didn't like her because she was still trying to "steal" him from me for almost a year, I can completely understand her. You know what the smartest thing to do is.

Last edited by SophiaM; 12-27-2005 at 06:33 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 04:19 AM   #13
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

Hi Sophia, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I am half Russian. You are quite right about the difficult financial situation if I leave (which I have to do because I am contracted to teach in a university back home, being on a scholarship from them). But honestly Sophia all I am thinking about is being able to see him unconditionally. What makes it worse is that his ex can see him any time, and she will try to manipulate the fact that he will be on his own. She even said to me once that his family can't wait for me to finish my PhD and leave for good.
I feel like I am already his wife, although not in legal terms....So there's nothing to lose in making it formal. I am very happy to stay his GF forever, if I wasn't runnng out of time here, but again, it's a lifetime decision. I am thinking about this situation a lot recently, and really really don't know what to do.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 06:13 AM   #14
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

You have stated that you would be happy to stay his girlfriend forever, and also state that as his live in girlfriend, you already feel like you are his wife.

If you feel married to him already and also express you would be happy to stay with him forever, it seems how you feel and also the your decison has already been thought through and made. I am not sure what it is you are asking advice on.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 07:17 AM   #15
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Re: We are getting married, so cofused!!

I am asking advice on the marriage bit Music, although I don't mean by staying his GF forever that we are never gonna break up. I only meant that I would be pleased to remain GF as opposed to wife, if the situation was not complicated. There is more freedom in it

 
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