My BF and I have finally decided we are getting married sometime in January. I have lived with him for about three years, and I loved him a lot. There are issues to do with him having a child to a very nasty ex, and a mum who loses sight of everything for the sake of her grandson. He also sometimes drinks excessively. He's got a decent job and he's a PhD student so he's not irresponsible but his attitude to spending money leaves him always skint. Now these issues have put me always under presssure, but I love him. I can't imagine putting up with trouble but I can't afford to lose him at the moment.
Now we have decided to get married, and I am very apprehensive. I am away from my family but they met him/liked him and it's now up to us...this marriage issue I mean.
I live with him already so I feel like he's my husband except in legal terms. Marriage will make life more practical to us except for the fact that we are from different countries and one of us has to move homes abroad, which he doesn't mind because he's into travelling and that.
I need your advice on what to think about before taking this massive step in my life. I feel like I really want to be with him but I am quite apprehensive of our future together.
I don't understand what you mean when you say you live with him already, but one of you will have to move homes abroad (which sounds like you live in different countries).
Please clarify.
Also, just FYI, don't go into this thinking that he will change or improve to your liking, because it doesn't work that way. If you're unsure, maybe you should wait a while.
He has drinking issues, a great potential to spend money is a way you very much will have arguments over, a wretch of an ex that you are entering into a long term relationship with, and a mother-in-law that sounds like no source for comfort...and you said you can't imagine putting up with trouble. If you won't put up with it, what power do you think you will have to change what it is that will cause the trouble...none unfortunately.
There is what's called a "functioning alcoholic" which is what I am married to. They can finish school and work but eventually down the road (and it's a long road) it gets worse. They don't wake up one day and say "umm I've had enough, I think I'll quit". I think if you do go into this marriage thinking this way you might hate yourself for it later. I would leave the situation the way it is for now. The ex might be a problem but that's what happens when the one you love has baggage. The MIL you don't really have to deal with. Why do you feel you HAVE to marry him? I know you love him but haven't you seen thus far that things are not going to change? The only thing that would concern me is the way he spends his money and the biggest would be his drinking. Good luck gir. I know it's hard because you love him and you'll probably go through with it but just know what you deserve and don't settle for less. You don't have to settle.
I would resepctfully disagree. She is marrying into the whole family, like them or not. Any trouble they cause him will also cause her the same. Because of his child, she is entering into a long term relationship with both his ex and his mother and she will be forced to deal with both - and with him when he does not handle either of those women like she wants him to.
To many negatives not worked out yet, for a happy marriage to prosper.
Uh huh. If you go into a marriage with doubts, it will never change. Sort out your issues first as best you can, then talk marriage. If you feel you can not deal with certain aspects of your lives together, then you are not ready to marry him.
Thank you everyone for your input. It's true that I dwelt on the negatives here but he also was very supportive, loving and special in many other ways.
Well, I live with him and I have to deal with these issues whether we get married or not. I am not at this point when I want to completely break it off. I want to help him. He already promised sorting out few issues. I am from East Europe and if we don't get married, I will have to leave back home in a year, after I finish my studies, and I can't come to England easily to see him. I feel that I am giving him up once and for all then. It is a very difficult situation, having lived in England for more than 4 years` now, and got very used to him. He's my first live-in bf. I found a lot of happiness with him after suffering for months with an ex (he was the one I would call Alcoholic) and I am very dependent on him emotionally now. We had our arguments, but I want this relationship to work out so bad.
I'm sure he does have many wonderful attributes as well. If you guys can seriously talk about and try to resolve as many issues as possible, then you are on your way.
However, it's not healthy to be emotionally dependant on him. Loving him very much will not be the only thing that will make a marriage work. After all, the things that you just 'deal' with now will be magnified if you were to be married because then you will feel truly 'obliged' to deal with them forever. Marriage does not always mean sunshine and happy times, it means years of working together to ensure a relationship is maintained through the rigours of life.
So being emotionally dependant on him, marrying because it's easier that way for you to be with him and because you don't want to break it off... should not be the main reasons for getting married. I just feel that there are complications in your relationship that really need to be resolved before you get married, otherwise they will never really go away and the resentment will build.
Thank you everyone for your input. It's true that I dwelt on the negatives here but he also was very supportive, loving and special in many other ways.
Well, I live with him and I have to deal with these issues whether we get married or not. I am not at this point when I want to completely break it off. I want to help him. He already promised sorting out few issues. I am from East Europe and if we don't get married, I will have to leave back home in a year, after I finish my studies, and I can't come to England easily to see him. I feel that I am giving him up once and for all then. It is a very difficult situation, having lived in England for more than 4 years` now, and got very used to him. He's my first live-in bf. I found a lot of happiness with him after suffering for months with an ex (he was the one I would call Alcoholic) and I am very dependent on him emotionally now. We had our arguments, but I want this relationship to work out so bad.
Hey Nina! Well, if it would interfere with you coming back easily, I would say don't move back to Eastern Europe. I love Eastern and Central Europe,--my family is from there, but it's still not the best place to be, economically. The people there are wonderful--very friendly and hospitable--I have many friends from Eastern, Central, and Western Europe. But if you move back, you might never be able to live in England again. Nobody will gurantee you an easy life there, unless you marry a wealthy man. Nobody here will understand it because they don't know. In Western Europe, it's easier to be ok financially, even if you're single. You will have a PhD soon. You are obviously a smart, educated woman with lots of opportunities. Is your country a EU member? If not, I think you should marry your boyfriend. I know it will sound too "calculated," but you love this man and you've spent a few good years of your life with him. You deserve a right to stay in England, and England should be lucky to have a wonderful, highly educated woman like you! If anything, you deserve to be a citizen there. Don't be foolish and lose that opportunity. My ex-fiancee's ex was Italian. She lived with him for over four years, as did I. Unfortunately, she didn't have any legal rights to stay in the U.S. Guess what, after all that time, he dumped her. Never married her. She had to go back to Italy, to her screwed up family, and start over from scratch! She had to go back to her parents and sleep on their couch as a 30--year-old woman! As much as I didn't like her because she was still trying to "steal" him from me for almost a year, I can completely understand her. You know what the smartest thing to do is.
Hi Sophia, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I am half Russian. You are quite right about the difficult financial situation if I leave (which I have to do because I am contracted to teach in a university back home, being on a scholarship from them). But honestly Sophia all I am thinking about is being able to see him unconditionally. What makes it worse is that his ex can see him any time, and she will try to manipulate the fact that he will be on his own. She even said to me once that his family can't wait for me to finish my PhD and leave for good.
I feel like I am already his wife, although not in legal terms....So there's nothing to lose in making it formal. I am very happy to stay his GF forever, if I wasn't runnng out of time here, but again, it's a lifetime decision. I am thinking about this situation a lot recently, and really really don't know what to do.
You have stated that you would be happy to stay his girlfriend forever, and also state that as his live in girlfriend, you already feel like you are his wife.
If you feel married to him already and also express you would be happy to stay with him forever, it seems how you feel and also the your decison has already been thought through and made. I am not sure what it is you are asking advice on.
I am asking advice on the marriage bit Music, although I don't mean by staying his GF forever that we are never gonna break up. I only meant that I would be pleased to remain GF as opposed to wife, if the situation was not complicated. There is more freedom in it
....So there's nothing to lose in making it formal.
That is what some opine, but the following makes an excellent point of just what it is that does make the one status significantly different from the other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
I would be pleased to remain GF as opposed to wife...There is more freedom in it
If you could stay with him forever as his gf knowing that he comes with an problem ex and troubling mother, then go ahead and get married. If you don't want to get married because of the baggage, then you likely could not stay with him as a gf either.
Well, You are right the baggage is already there, but I am trying to say is that: if we break up, I would like it not to be forced by circumstances, but because we decided to do so. Unless I marry him, I will be forced to break up with him soon.
I suppose there are issues and feelings and circumstances that make this too complicated to fully express because you have stated that you have nothing to lose in making it formal. This is what I said it seems you have already decided. If you feel there is nothing to lose in making it formal, that appears what you aught to do.
Like I told you, it IS very hard for me to decide, there is nothing to lose on the emtional level, because I have invested a 100% emotionally in this relationship. My only worry is if whether he will be able to settle downwith me back Home, although he wants to! It is not easy even for me. So I feel like I will be responsible for him there for a while at least. He needs to learn the language and all that. I always thought of this from day 1. However, the future always looked so remote and I tried put off worrying and live the day. Now I feel kind of panicking. I have to graduate, and at the same time I have to decide (together with him) on what to do.......I feel like I am at a crossroads with so many ambivalent feelings.
Like I told you, it IS very hard for me to decide, there is nothing to lose on the emtional level, because I have invested a 100% emotionally in this relationship. My only worry is if whether he will be able to settle downwith me back Home, although he wants to! It is not easy even for me. So I feel like I will be responsible for him there for a while at least. He needs to learn the language and all that. I always thought of this from day 1. However, the future always looked so remote and I tried put off worrying and live the day. Now I feel kind of panicking. I have to graduate, and at the same time I have to decide (together with him) on what to do.......I feel like I am at a crossroads with so many ambivalent feelings.
Nina, what does he say about this? Is he willing to move to your country for a couple of years (or however long your contract with the university is), try to find a job there, learn the language, etc? Seems like he's also highly educated--in a major city he could probably get a job for a British or American company. It's very nice of you to say that you would stay his girlfriend forever, but I doubt you would. Very few couples stay in a dating relationship forever--they either marry or break up eventually. I think now is a good time to decide--you've been with him for a long time. My question is, would you marry him if there was no pressure of having to go back home and possibly losing him forever? If there were NO external complications like that, would you say "yes" to his proposal?
