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Old 12-27-2005, 12:39 PM   #1
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New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

About 2-3 months ago I started dating a guy who had pursued me relentlessly for the past 7 months (though, we hung out as friends for that whole time). The mental/emotional part is great - he's very affectionate, we spend hours talking, he tells me how I'm the love of his life, tells all our mutual friends how he's the happiest that he's ever been and told me he could totally spend the rest of his life with me.

However, he hardly ever initiates sex - in fact, in the last 10 days we only had sex once and I initiated it. He's most definately a sexual person as - before me - he was known as being girl-crazy.

I asked him about our lack of sex twice; one time he told me that his past encounters were based on sex and that we he loves and respects me deeply and wants "to do the right thing" and not have it be all about sex, the second time he told me that it was situational - that we're both always on our way to work or coming from work and are mostly tired (though, he seems to find time to watch movies and surf the net)

I make an effort to look cute even in the house; wearing cute little tops and I know I'm generally consided very sexy. I even got a brazilian bikini wax - which I know he finds sexy - but he hardly seemed interested. I even bought new lingerie and showed him but he was just like 'thats cute' but never told me to put it on.

So, whats going on with him?? It makes me so sad that he seems so disinterested in me sexually. Does he just not find me attractive any more? Is he losing interest already?

Just for background, he has been spending a lot of time at my house lately, is at somewhat of an impasse in his life and is not entirely comfortable with his body (he thinks he needs to lose a little wieght but is a VERY confident guy generally)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - especially from guys.

Last edited by confusedandsad; 12-27-2005 at 12:44 PM.

 
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Old 12-27-2005, 12:44 PM   #2
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

I was with a guy like that for 2.5 years, and I kept telling him to kick it up a notch, turn up the heat, etc....but he just didn't seem interested.
I always wondered if he was gay or bi. I would explain to him how I felt, and he would nod his head, and still nothing would change. I found out after the fact that he has narcissistic personality disorder.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 01:38 PM   #3
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

i was with a guy like this, once, too. in the beginning our sex life was okay, but i think about six months into it he stopped initiating. i did the same thing- bought outfits, tried to look my best, did the initiating myself. he told me that he felt self-conscious about his weight, when he was maybe about ten pounds overweight. then he lost the weight, and was in the best shape of his life, yet it still didn't change. we dated for years, and because i loved him i overlooked it and made excuses for it. but ultimately we broke up largely do to this problem, and it did an absolute number on my self-esteem. i hope that you don't let it get to that point.

in hindsight, i think he may have been depressed, and also had some problems with being intimate, because that's what sex in a relationship is really about. i think that the closer we got mentally and emotionally, the scarier having sex became for him. of course, that could just be me trying to get my self-esteem back, haha!

 
Old 12-27-2005, 01:47 PM   #4
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

I know it's hard to believe, but some guys just don't have a high sex drive. Sometimes it could be due to stress or other factors, but then some people are just naturally at a lower level than others. I'm a male who loves sex, but it's kind of like pizza or steak. If you have it once in a while, you love it. If you have it too often, you get bored with it. So maybe he doesn't want to do it very often so that he'll enjoy it more.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:12 PM   #5
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
I found out after the fact that he has narcissistic personality disorder.
What does that mean?

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:22 PM   #6
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

I would vote that you two just have differing sex drives. If he is still being affectionate, spending time with you and all of thoes good things, perhaps you should just tell him that you find him sexy .. you enjoy the closeness that sex brings and you would like to have it X amount of times per week ..
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Old 12-27-2005, 02:23 PM   #7
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by opielonghorn
in hindsight, i think he may have been depressed, and also had some problems with being intimate, because that's what sex in a relationship is really about. i think that the closer we got mentally and emotionally, the scarier having sex became for him. of course, that could just be me trying to get my self-esteem back, haha!
Yes, I definately think he has intimacy problems. Before we dated he hadn't had a girlfriend in 2 years. He said that he fell in love with me and knew I'd be the right girl for him the first time we met but that after a few months of pursuing me backed off coz he so afraid of being hurt. He said his greatest fear is to feel emotionally vulnerable and that being with me scares the hell out of him coz he feels so emotionally fragile. He also has trust issues. He said he's never trusted a girl and that he trusts me more than anyone in his life other than his own mother.

Sigh. Is there hope for us?

Last edited by confusedandsad; 12-27-2005 at 02:24 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:32 PM   #8
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdrop333
I would vote that you two just have differing sex drives. .
The ironic thing is that initially when I met him I thought he was somewhat of a horndog!! I kind of avoided dating him because I thought he might just be wanting me for sex!! haha. Boy was I wrong!!! As i hung out more - even though he was still a bit of a horny guy - I saw such a kind, sweet, considerate and tender side to him.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 03:08 PM   #9
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandsad
Yes, I definately think he has intimacy problems. Before we dated he hadn't had a girlfriend in 2 years. He said that he fell in love with me and knew I'd be the right girl for him the first time we met but that after a few months of pursuing me backed off coz he so afraid of being hurt. He said his greatest fear is to feel emotionally vulnerable and that being with me scares the hell out of him coz he feels so emotionally fragile. He also has trust issues. He said he's never trusted a girl and that he trusts me more than anyone in his life other than his own mother.

Sigh. Is there hope for us?
there is always hope. if my experience can help you at all, i can say that i wish i had handled it better from my end. i should have just kept initiating, because i've read a lot about this and it seems that in order to WANT to have sex, you have to HAVE sex. i don't mean forcing it on someone, just kind of reinforcing the idea that having it isn't scary and that nothing bad will happen afterwards. and i think that the way that i brought it up to him wasn't so great, either. i think i made him feel like there was something wrong with him, all because i was hurting by the rejection. just proceed delicately, is all i can say.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 03:16 PM   #10
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

It is very true that what is happening in your head TOTALY affects your sex drive .. he very well could be having all sorts of quiet issues going on inside his head and just not be sharing them with you at this time.
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Old 12-27-2005, 03:20 PM   #11
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Re: New relationship, little sex - whats going on?

OK, this is how my BF is...he absolutely loves to have sex...2,3,4 times a day would be fine with him but he doesn't initiate sex...I have to...so I just stopped worrying about it and if I want to have sex I start kissing him and that's all it takes. I think he's afraid that if he initiates it, it's not going to be the right time or something and I may not want to. He was in a long...very disfunctional relationship with a woman that didn't even want him to touch her, but yet she was so jealous she wouldn't let him watch an R rated movie with frontal nudity..ha! She depended on him for financial support so he wouldn't kick her to the street but he should have a long time ago. She used him for a roof over her head and food in her mouth for 10 years...what a sorry excuse for a person! She didn't even work anywhere, just sat at home and did nothing...she didn't even cook or clean.. OK, I'll stop now...that's a whole other story?

About the sexy lingerie...my BF thinks that a G sting just looks uncomfortable...heehee!!! So sexy lingerie isn't always the answer...
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Last edited by keepsgoin; 12-27-2005 at 03:26 PM.

 
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