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Old 12-27-2005, 01:57 PM   #1
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Question Break up or turn it down a notch

Ok, here is the question. I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. He proposed well ... I think even before we were offically dating. At that time I though how could I go wrong .. get married to someone that has been a friend for years (9 years) and it will be bliss.

Lately I have been feeling very unhappy .. I get frustrated at his lack of drive in business (he has no goals in this regard), and his general imaturity. He acts like he is still a kid.

Christmas was kind of a quiet blow out. He was over at my house and WATCHED as I ran around cleaning, getting presents for his family (he had none and I wasnt going to show up to that house with nothing) making food to bring to both his and my family's houses, cleaning as we were going to be having company .. all of this while he watched TV. Now, I did ask him to help me clean up so I could sit, relax and enjoy a movie with him before we had to get to sleep. He piled up some stuff next to the christmas tree and went back to resting on the couch. Keep in mind that I have strep and am on antibotics .. not feeling so good but still keeping up my cheer.

Anyway .. Christmas eve night went ok, we went to my sisters house and had a nice visit. Came home Christmas eve night and he wanted to .. be intimate. I asked if we could just cuddle given that I am sick and was worn out from the day. He pouted, and told me ok I guess.

I have a 2 year old daughter, when my boyfriend comes to stay the night he sleeps on the couch. The christmas tree is in the living room. She wakes up and comes out for 'Santa Time' I tired to wake him up 3 times. He rolled over and said he was tired still. My daughter tried to give him a hug and tell him thank you for the gift and he didnt even budge. I sat there taking pictures of my daughter opening all of her gifts alone .. while he was snoring on the couch. After the presents I went to the kitchen to make Christmas breakfast .. still he snored. I brought him breakfast he woke up for that, at it set it on the coffee table and proceeded to go back to sleep. He did not wake up until I told him that we had to leave in 20 minutes if we were going to see his mother for Christmas.

I spent time with his mom and hung out at her house for about 2 hours before my daughter and I left. He left to go hang out with his friends. I went back to my sisters and opened more presents there.

Here is the question, I was VERY mad about the sleeping through christmas thing and not helping when I asked him to. He says that he wants to be a father to my child but he isnt acting like it. I want to know if this is something that I should break up over or if I should just take it down to a casual dating thing (in which case he wont be spending time with my daughter). I am not happy with the way he behaved. I dont want to rush to break up with him ... but I feel like ... I dont need another kid .. I need someone who wants to do this stuff with me ..

I dont know, I am soo sorry for the novel .. but I am very torn. We do have a good time together but he doesnt seem to understand that my child comes first and always will. He says he wants to parent, he wants to make a life .. but he is acting very selfishly ..

Tell me what you guys think, break up .. or take it to a more casual level.
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Old 12-27-2005, 02:09 PM   #2
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I'm sorry to be judgemental, and give such a short answer,
but my advice would be to lose the loser.
you don't need him......is he enhancing your life in any way?

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:13 PM   #3
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

Have you sat him down and told him how upset you were with the way he acted over Christmas? I probably would (after discussing the reasons why as you said above) take a step back and tell him to really consider what he wants because he isn't acting all that responsibly.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:16 PM   #4
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I try not to see him as a looser .. but its hard .. I sat around yesterday (not taking his calls, sending him only texts saying I was busy doing house stuff ect) and I was thinking .. am I staying with him only so that I am not alone ... he is my first boyfriend since my ex .. and I was with my ex 8 years ...

I have no idea why I am staying ... he does make me laugh ... the sex is good ... but is that enough to make a relationship last?

Would you guys have been upset about what happenend on Christmas too? No I have not yet told him ... I was trying not to talk about it when I was still angry
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Last edited by dewdrop333; 12-27-2005 at 02:18 PM.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:40 PM   #5
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

Yes, I would have been mad, too!

I stayed with my ex-husband far too long because the sex was good. It was by far his best attribute. I finally decided it wasn't worth it. I spent more time aggravated than I did 'glowing' in the bedroom.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:40 PM   #6
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I have a son who will be two in february. I am married but if I wasn't I would want a boyfriend who was sensitive to the child's needs and maybe even took a father roll on. From what he did I don't think he cared much and was being selfish. I would be mad about christmas too if I were you. You need to tell him about it and his response should let you know whether or not to break it off.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 02:46 PM   #7
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I'm sorry again to be harsh, but he is basically useless.....if you're keeping him around just for sex, you can buy yourself a vibrator.....and a vibrator won't talk back.
you were sick, needed help and he was too LAZY to get off the couch, while you bought and wrapped presents for HIS family?
Is he enhancing your life in ANY way????
Ask yourself this question.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 03:04 PM   #8
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

You are not being harsh at all, I come here for straight forward advice. I think deep down I know what I have to do. I was concerned that I was over-reacting .. that the Christmas thing was not such a big deal ... that I was being picky.

It is sad/crappy .. or maybe mean ... but I kind of dont want to break up unitl after New Year as I planned to go to a party at his house with several friends ... I guess if I was being kind .. I would do it before .... or would it be more kind to wait ...
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Old 12-27-2005, 03:49 PM   #9
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

Just wait until after the holidays. No harm in a few more days. But also remember that his *isn't* your daughter's father.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 04:03 PM   #10
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I understand that he is not her father .. I think the thing that hurts me most is that he said he wanted to be ... he wanted to build a life with me and her and wanted to be DAD ... I didnt ask him to fill the job .. he applied ....

My daughter only sees her biological father once a month .. if that ... and I want very much for her to have a 2 parent home .. but I think a GOOD one parent home is better than a crappy 2 parent home
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Old 12-27-2005, 04:08 PM   #11
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

That's right.

And she's only two. In another year, she won't even remember him.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 04:23 PM   #12
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

I guess I am going to wait until after New Year and then talk to him. I am talking to him but not about what happened and I am going to start distancing myself a bit.

I still feel like a jerk I guess... but I dont imagine that anything is going to make that go away. You cant change people ... you have to love them the way they are .. and I guess the hard truth is that I dont ... and that means that we are not going to make a life together ...
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Old 12-27-2005, 07:31 PM   #13
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Re: Break up or turn it down a notch

dewdrop - don't feel bad, you're not being picky. We need to trust our gut more. You know he's not right. I give you a lot of credit for looking at the situation for what it is and realizing that it just isn't enough. Being with him would be settling. You can do just fine on your own! Enjoy your own and your daughters company.

 
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