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Old 12-27-2005, 03:32 PM   #1
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ShellBell78 HB User
When is the Right Time to Break the News?

I have been married for 15 months and I found out in the end of October that my husband has been having an affair with his ex-girlfriend. He said they it only got physical one time over the summer, but I don't believe it. The phone calls started in May.

I feel like I am done with him. I have bent over backwards to make his life comfortable and have not gotten the same in return. He is 33 years old and went back to school so I am paying for that and also supporting the house bills. But somewhere along the line, he thinks we became emotionally disconnected. I think I just got fed up with is laziness and irresponsibility. When he went back to school, he also stopped working. He thinks that not working took a part of him. The problem is, he could've gotten a part-time job so he had his own money in his pocket, but was too lazy.

My issue is that I want to completely break it off and I don't know how. He has been out of the house since Dec 1st and since the day he moved out, I have felt like leaving him was ythe best decision for me. I truly love him and wouldn't have married him 15 months ago if I didn't, but I truly believe in my heart that I will never get over the affair. I knew this woman well and I can't get the picture of her face out opf my head. But how do I tell him? He is so hopeful that I will find a way to let him back in my life and I don't think I feel the same. Today I told him my heart wasn't in it. Tomorrow I want to tell him that it is over, but I just don't know how. He is living with his sister and has a little part-time job, but does not make enough money to put a roof over his head and he can't stay there much longer b/c she lives in a 2-bedroom apartment with her 2 kids. Any advice?

Last edited by ShellBell78; 12-27-2005 at 03:33 PM.

 
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Old 12-27-2005, 03:39 PM   #2
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

Without hurting your feelings, I think your doing the right thing because it sounds like you were a bit of a meal ticket for him. When is the right time? ummmmm NOW! Did he spare your feelings while he was sleeping with another woman. You phrased it well, It's over. Let him find a sucker who will put up with junk like that and take care of him. You are going to do great and you deserve someone who treats you with all the respect in the world. I think you did what I did and that's fall in love with what you THOUGHT he was. It's hard to swallow that they are not the man of our dreams and it hurts so bad when they cheat but at least we find out and know we need better. Lots of luck to you girl.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 03:43 PM   #3
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StormGirl HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

Well, firstly I want to say sorry to hear that you are going through this terrible ordeal. It's great that you are able to look at things rationally and see that you may never be able to move past this betrayal... as many people wouldn't. You don't have unreal expectations, and it's good that you can be honest with yourself.

For him, well, all actions have a consequence, right? He would have known this when the affair began. But he still took his chances for whatever reason. There are just no excuses. You were giving him everything to make life easier. So after what he has done, why are you still trying to make his life easier. Yes, when you tell him it's over he will hurt. But he needs to deal with that, just like you are dealing with the pain he has caused you. Don't sugar coat it for him, it will only give him further false hope. Just be honest. Tell him that you have tried, but you just can not see it working, or that you will ever be able to have that trust back. That you don't want to string things along, and think it's best if you now went you separate ways because the hurt you feel is too much to resolve. Tell him that you do love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough to make a relationship work and too much has been lost and you feel that you can never get back what you originally had.

Be honest without making it into a blame game. You both know what he did was wrong, so no point rehashing that over and over. Speak from your own point of view, how YOU feel, and how you think it has affected the relationship to the point where you don't feel comfortable anymore. He will probably still persist, and if that is only harming you further, you may have to ask him to respect your decision and move on.

Don't worry about his circumstances or how he will cope or feel or be upset. That is his problem to deal with. He put himself in this position, and now has to battle it out himself. He's a big boy, he'll survive. The only person you have to worry about is YOU, and doing the best thing for yourself.

Good luck.
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Old 12-27-2005, 03:53 PM   #4
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Nina000 HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

Yes Shell, break it off NOW! You sound very gentle, worrying about his welfare when he cheated on you!!!!!!! Let him grow up, he did a good thing finding a part-time job but he should have done that ages ago. He sounds like he's taken advantage of your good heart. You are softening now because he is away but imagine living back together, the trust will be broken, and you will be prone to fear of repeated betrayal. Did he try to fix it between you two? Maybe you should leave him in suspense right now until your mind is clearer about what you want to do.
My suggestion is cut off all contact with him, and try to live without him for a while, and see how YOU feel about it, then decide accordingly. Think of YOU, not of him.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 03:55 PM   #5
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opielonghorn HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

if you truly love him, it seems worth it to at least try. i certainly don't condone cheating, but i do believe in second chances to some extent. i say give it another try, but if nothing changes, it's time to move on.

on the other hand, if you're totally sure you want to end the relationship, obviously as soon as possible is the best choice. why prolong the inevitable, right?

 
Old 12-27-2005, 04:59 PM   #6
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Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

I agree with Nina. Cut off contact for a while. Live without him for a while. Clear your head. I for one, don't think he deserves another chance but only you can decide that. You need some time to think seriously about this. Give yourself a month without him in your life to decide. It's a big decision and one that shouldn't be made quickly.

 
Old 12-27-2005, 05:48 PM   #7
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

If you are going to end things for good - you need to tell him now.
The sooner you tell him, the better for you and HIM. If you are concerned about his living arrangements, you are not doing him any favors by leaving him sitting in wait for your answer. Tell him now, so he can know what he needs to do, and can start looking into getting something together. He's not gonna go look for a solution to his problem if he is thinking he's going to end up back with you.

After you tell him, it's not your responsibility to worry about it. He's a grown man, and he made his bed. Let him take care of it himself.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 06:55 AM   #8
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ShellBell78 HB User
Re: When is the Right Time to Break the News?

Well...today is the day. I am meeting my husband this afternoon for coffee to tell him that I want to file for divorce. I am really nervous. And...I don't know what to do next. I have been trying to read up on divorce in NJ, but it is confusing. I contacted a mediator and they said it was $250/hour and if all goes well, it should be max 3 hours. Then I have to file for divorce. Do all divorces filed through a lawyer have to be put in front of a judge? We have been married for 15 months. He had an affair, has used cocaine and has gambled all in the 1st year of our marriage. Is he entitled to any of my 401k? Am I going to have to apy him alimony? He is a full-time student who recently ot a part-time job, but with his school schedule, he won't be able to make enough to afford an apartment. We will sell the house and each take about $40k. But I don't think he is entitled to half of the house. He cheated on me. He took cash advances out to use drugs and gamble. He did this to us. I wish some one would just hold my had through this. Any advice?

 
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