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Old 12-28-2005, 05:09 AM   #1
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Internet dating advice

Hi

I've been using the Internet as a tool to find a girl friend and I'm in need of some advice.
I've had a quite a few signs of interests sent to me by women but when I send them a message they don't reply back. This would have nothing to do with my picture as it's on my profile and I don't need send it to them when I send a message.

I usually write a simple message to get the ball rolling. It's usually along the lines of I'm quite interested to find out more about yourself, I would love to offer you some more insight about who I am as well. You may contact me here: ***** at this email address.
If there is something I can comment about on their profile I will also do that, but a lot of girls have quite bland profiles with nothing much I can work on.

Can anybody and mainly the women here but guys are welcome give me some advice on how to write a message to a women on an Internet dating site?
I can get their attention, but cannot hold it and it's really starting to annoy me there were some great women who contacted me too

Also a few other things:

*Should I add my phone number to my message as a means of communication, your thoughts?

*How about profile photo's, I'm not a very photogenic person so it's hard for myself to get good photographs. What kind of photographs are usually the ones that get your attention?

*And what kind of profiles get your attention?


Thanks heaps!!!

 
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Old 12-28-2005, 06:08 AM   #2
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Re: Internet dating advice

I don't have experience with this, but personally I wouldn't give out my phone number to every person I send a message to. I'd wait til they respond and you've sent a few E-mails back and forth.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 07:18 AM   #3
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Re: Internet dating advice

I think you just need to be patient. It takes a lot of time and effort to do the internet dating thing. To me, it's been a whole lot of wasted time and disappointments, however, I have met a couple really great guys who would make awesome friends but who for sure weren't the "one." An interesting, well written profile with a lot of descriptive information gets my attention more than anything else. I HATE guys who just list the cheesy clichés or the "I like to go out but have just as much fun staying in" or "I like a girl who can dress up but is equally comfortable in a pair of jeans" or "looking for Mrs. Wright, not Mrs. Right-now." What I did when I first created my profile was go online and look at other girl's profiles who were in my age category and area, just to see what was out there. I then took a great deal of time writing my profile, making it unique. I often get emails from guys who aren't even interested but wanted to write and complement my profile. It gets attention and at the same time it's sort of a weeding-out device, for lack of a better term. Don't get discouraged about the unreturned emails. It happens all the time. I will say this... the guys who I have actually met and hit it off with were the ones who were very persistent and kept contacting me. I like to do the email thing for a little while before actual phone conversations. I think it's ok to give a girl your number but you should also follow it up with something like this, "but I would be happy to call you if you would like to give me your number." That's what I usually do. I like the guy to make the first call.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 09:34 AM   #4
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Re: Internet dating advice

I'm a woman who's done the internet dating thing, so I think I can offer you some perspective.

If a guy gave me his personal email address in his initial response, I dropped him immediately. I wanted the safety of going through the dating site's server so that weirdo's couldn't track me down.

Also, I never allowed phone calls because of the caller ID thing. I didn't want some weirdo stalker able to find out my home phone number and possibly address.

I did have some successful email relationships and coffee dates with guys who didn't push for personal email/phone info and dated one guy for several months.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 03:16 PM   #5
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Re: Internet dating advice

Well with us males it's a lot of wasted money too, were the ones who have to fork out the $ to make some communication. I don't think I've ever had a woman send me a message before.
I just wish women would be more upfront instead of just ignoring me, they give me a sign of interest and then just ignore me, it's really frustrating sometimes I feel like writing back and giving them a word or two. Who the hell do they think they are!

 
Old 12-29-2005, 08:53 AM   #6
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Re: Internet dating advice

Sometimes when I didn't respond to a guy's email it was simply because the guy couldn't spell or there was a hint of hostility in a simple turn of phrase- as in your "who do they think they are"?

 
Old 12-29-2005, 09:17 AM   #7
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Re: Internet dating advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Art_930
Sometimes when I didn't respond to a guy's email it was simply because the guy couldn't spell or there was a hint of hostility in a simple turn of phrase- as in your "who do they think they are"?
Yes, the misspelled emails without punctuation are a huge turn-off.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:12 PM   #8
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Re: Internet dating advice

I've had zero luck with this.

thought it would be easier than dating in the real world (being shy and all) but nothing... I've had all of 12 people look at my profile (been up since October or so) and not one message. Likely doesn't help that I'm waiting on a girl to do the approaching and to make the initial contact. I'm a firm believer that guys shouldn't always have to abide by doing the approaching... especially when said person is shy (this may or may not get me in trouble)

Sterotypes be damned.. I'm waiting on a mere 'one' girl to have the courage to say "Screw sterotypes.... I'm going to message this guy"

Hasn't happened and if it doesn't soon, I may get impatient... suck it up and start doing the approaching myself after all

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-29-2005 at 12:13 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:13 PM   #9
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Re: Internet dating advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
Hasn't happened and if it doesn't soon, I may get inpatient... suck it up and start doing the approaching myself after all
Good idea!

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:17 PM   #10
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Re: Internet dating advice

Point taken! but really why is it that way? I mean hell it's damn near 2006... it seems like girls would have gotten to the point of doing the approaching at least some of the time...

....and for the record I know that they already do to an extent, but it's so few and far between that it's almost nonexistant and the rare times I've seen a girl approach a guy, it's only been the guys who are perfect 10's.. or close to it and thus likely confident enough to do the approaching themselves, leaving us 'average' guys to fend for ourselves.

Yes it's true I AM shy enough that I have trouble even approaching in an online setting and if more girls would simply get the initiative to help out, it would make it so much easier on guys like me... especially in the 'real time' dating scene, as opposed to the online one.

Actually in reflection the online aspect it's not so much shyness, just more of a "what if she doesn't like the way I look.... or the personality I display"... those sort of thoughts and the negative reinforcement that would go along with it. I'm already at a point where my self image is detrimental, if I were to start messaging girls and getting little to no results, it would be devastating to my already fragile state of mind.

Still though the point stands, would make all the difference in the world, if a girl would simply take the time to message me on there.

Guys (well shy non assertive ones anyway) sure got the short end of the stick on the dating thing.

For what it's worth I think my profile description could use some fine tuning also, just don't have the first clue what to put on it. I would imagine that saying I'm shy's a turn off... though I did mention that once I get to know someone, I start to open up a little bit. and in all fairness the saying I tend to be shy at first, is only a small part of my description.



Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Good idea!

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-29-2005 at 12:31 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:29 PM   #11
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Re: Internet dating advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
Point taken! but really why is it that way? I mean hell it's damn near 2006... it seems like girls would have gotten to the point of doing the approaching at least some of the time.

Yes it's true I AM shy enough that I have trouble even approaching in an online setting and if some girls would simply get the initiative to help out, it would make it so much easier on guys like me... especially in the 'real time' dating scene, as opposed to the online one.

Guys (well shy non assertive ones anyway) sure got the short end of the stick on the dating thing.

For what it's worth I think my profile description could use some fine tuning also, just don't have the first clue what to put on it. I would imagine that saying I'm shy's a turn off... though I did mention that once I get to know someone, I start to open up a little bit.
Well, some girls do approach guys and do initiate the first contact. In general, though, it's true that women prefer men to do the pursuing. Nobody can explain it, that's just how things are. I have to say, I also prefer the man to take the initiative. When I tried to email some guys, they either don't respond, or they do but it never goes anywhere. When they initiate the contact, at least chances are better they're really interested. It's more socially acceptable for men to be the pursuer and to try and "win the woman over." I know some women who date and even married guys who are not that attractive by conventional standards, only because the guy was really charming, funny, and somewhat persistant, and knew how to treat a girl. Now I don't think if a woman to whom a man is not that attracted started pursuing him and trying to win him over, the effect would be the same. I highly doubt it.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:34 PM   #12
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Re: Internet dating advice

Sigh.... I guess I just fear that I'm never going to date or more importantly find 'the one'

I don't see my personality ever changing to the point, that I do the persuing... just don't think I've got it in me. I can see myself going through therapy and feeling better about myself, but I still don't think I would change enough to be the aggressor in that regard.

Guess I better luck into finding a girl who likes a shy guy... I know they are out there, just rare as can be.

I think you might be right about most men... well actually I know you are. Men tend to be superficial and go on mostly looks and ignore everything else. To be fair I think girls... well alot of them anyway focus on looks too much as well, though I would tend to agree that it's to a much lesser extent.

By the way added to my post that you quoted, since you quoted it. Left out a few things, I meant to put in there. Feel free to read it again if you choose... might explain more of the 'shyness' aspect (in terms of online dating in particuliar... it's not really a shyness issue at all)


Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Well, some girls do approach guys and do initiate the first contact. In general, though, it's true that women prefer men to do the pursuing. Nobody can explain it, that's just how things are. I have to say, I also prefer the man to take the initiative. When I tried to email some guys, they either don't respond, or they do but it never goes anywhere. When they initiate the contact, at least chances are better they're really interested. It's more socially acceptable for men to be the pursuer and to try and "win the woman over." I know some women who date and even married guys who are not that attractive by conventional standards, only because the guy was really charming, funny, and somewhat persistant, and knew how to treat a girl. Now I don't think if a woman to whom a man is not that attracted started pursuing him and trying to win him over, the effect would be the same. I highly doubt it.

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 12-29-2005 at 12:39 PM.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:38 PM   #13
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Re: Internet dating advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
Sigh.... I guess I just fear that I'm never going to date or more importantly find 'the one'

I don't see my personality ever changing to the point, that I do the persuing... just don't think I've got it in me. I can see myself going through therapy and feeling better about myself, but I still don't think I would change enough to be the aggressor in that regard.

Guess I better luck into finding a girl who likes a shy guy... I know they are out there, just rare as can be.
By pursuing I don't mean that you have to be super-aggressive. Just send someone a nice email, give them a compliment on their profile and photo, say a sentence or two about yourself, and ask them a question. Tell them you would love to hear from them. What do you have to lose? Already you have it easier since it's the internet and it doesn't require as much courage to write to someone as it does to walk up to them in person. Why not at least try?

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:42 PM   #14
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Re: Internet dating advice

Ok I suppose it wouldn't hurt.

I'm determined to keep this post short and sweet, as I keep on making edits to my other posts haha... get it all out this time.

Just hope that I have 'some' luck with it. If I were to message 30...40....even 50 girls and have it go nowhere, that would be yet another ego blow.

Ah hell nothing ventured, nothing gained eh?

 
Old 12-29-2005, 12:47 PM   #15
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Re: Internet dating advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
Ok I suppose it wouldn't hurt.

I'm determined to keep this post short and sweet, as I keep on making edits to my other posts haha... get it all out this time.

Just hope that I have 'some' luck with it. If I were to message 30...40....even 50 girls and have it go nowhere, that would be yet another ego blow.

Ah hell nothing ventured, nothing gained eh?
Just treat it as an "experiment" of sorts. Don't write 50 emails! LOL. Just pick two or three girls you find appealing and email them. Don't get discourage if they don't respond right away. People are traveling and busy with the holidays right now. Why don't you start with three emails--see how it goes.

 
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