well, i have posted here before and recently read Ken-Y's post and it seemed like the exact same situation.. (Quick Recap) I dated a girl for 6 years and she moved in with me.. a year or so later we broke up cause i was not ready to commit and she was tired of it.. we continued to live together and kind of did our own things.. recently i realized i wanted her back and i was ready to make a comitment.. she said "i dont know" and wanted time to think about it.. this was nearly two months ago.. she never brings it up and when i do she gets frustrated with the conversation and doesnt want to discuss it.. she keeps saying she needs time.. i keep pleading with her to just make a descision and told her if she didnt want to, just say no and i will be ok with it. despite this, she wont give an answer and keeps saying she is confused and needs time.. meanwhile she has been spending alot of time with this other guy.. she insists there is nothing more than friendship at this point although it is clear that he likes her allot and she thinks he is very nice as well as cute.. i keep saying she needs to make a decision befor pursuing another realtionship but she insists they are only friends and needs time to think... she also told me that she is spending new years eve at his house this weekend but still says they are just friends.. I feel like i am stuck.. she wont allow me to show her i am ssincere and she wont give me an answer.. i dont want to pressure her but i also dont want to keep feeling hurt when she hangs out with this dude... at first i didnt think she cared about me but now i believe her becasue these conversations we have get emotional and she hates them... if she didnt care it seems it would be easier just to say she doesnt want to be with me and it would be over... I guess i feel like i need to draw a line in the sand. I thought about telling her that if she goes to this guys house on new years eve than that would be it for me and everything would be over... is this being selfish? do i deseve to have to go through this since i put her through hell? should i not object to her going over there and just be a sucka? i know sometimes people want to figure things out but how long cn somebody wait? i feel Ken-y's pain and he has only been doing this for a couple days.. Advice is apreciated
The lady has asked for time - she gave you 6-7 yrs from what I can see...
Back off and let her figure out if you're serious or not, OR break it off with her if this guy friend of hers is too much for you.
Either way - back WAY off - even if it means just giving her a call once a week to say Howdy if that's what it takes. IF you want a chance at her taking a chance that you are committment material finally.
seems like when i post the women on here get angry cause i had waited so long to commit...i have to think this would be better than saying you were ready and have doubts that would surface later in the relationship
I agree with the other posters as far as your past actions. The issue now is, she will be spending New Year"s at another man"s house while she still lives with you. Is this man hosting a party or is it just a twosome? If it"s a party, why aren"t you invited? It"s NY"s and he"s just a friend (perfect way to show you he's a friend). If it is just the two of them. You already have your answer.
Male or female, scorned or not. When one is thinking about whether they should stay with another. At least seperate first. Show respect to the other person, the friend and themselves.
Last edited by muzicman66; 12-28-2005 at 04:08 PM.
Have you ever thought of biting the bullet and 'showing' her you are really ready for commitment. For a woman, hearing it (yeah, yeah, heard it all before... it will happen 'soon'), and actually SEEING it, are two totally different things. I mean, she has waited so long... why should she believe you just because you think you may be ready? Don't talk about it, do it if you are as ready as you say you are...
Maybe you have left your run too late, but maybe not. She's still there and you still have some sort of chance...
I do think it's a little unfair to expect an answer because you hurt. I'm sure she did too for the last few years. But from her point of view, nothing much has changed has it? It's still exactly where it left off.
Ultimatums are never a good thing for a relationship. Let her know that by her wanting to spend a night like NY"s eve with a friend instead of you, will show you how much the relationship has changed. Ask her to think about these questions, What does she expect to happen, by going with her friend, yet still wanting to live with you? How will this improve things? Do not wait for answers. Her actions will give you them.
Did you have your living arrangements before you met her or did your purchase it together?
Last edited by muzicman66; 12-28-2005 at 04:51 PM.
we bought the house while we were going out... we had been living in an apartment and i wanted to buy a house... it is entirely in my name and i paid for everything so it isnt really "our" house but i did get it while we were together... we officially split up like 2 years ago but kept living together in seperate bedrooms.. i guess i always kind of figured we would eventually get back together
Interesting. Officially breaking up is when one or both move on with their lives. Neither of you have at this point. Sound like you both are just playing a game with each other. Think about it. Two years of living together, seperate bedrooms, and not dating others. What were you waiting for?
well we have been very busy at work and other things and neither of us really met anyone to date.. until now i guess.. i just cant see how she could spend new years with the guy if she still had feelings for me ya know?
Two years? No wonder she doesn't take it seriously...
It's now or never. Tell her you want to take her out shopping for an engagement ring to show her your intentions.
To me, she is caught in a bit of a trap. She probably likes this other guy, hence why she wants to spend New Years with him. The reason she keeps telling you he is only a friend, is probably because she still has some feelings for you too? Just a thought. But if it was really on with this guy, why would she be afraid to tell you?
I agree. She"s trying to push the issue. If you want her. Go for it now. Right now.
Yep, right on... Go go go!!!
But just a question... have you really decided you want to be with her (after 2 years), or is it just because someone else may be on the scene and you don't want to commit to her, but you don't want anyone else to have her either?
That's why I'm saying, if you really aren't prepared to make a commitment NOW, step aside and maybe this other guy will fulfill her dreams...
I'm too old to be "angry" about other people's relationships!!
But I am saying that 6 yrs is waaaay too long for most women to wait for a commitment if they do want marriage.
Its kind of a basic reality that if the INTENT hasn't happened within a year or two at the most, it just probably ain't gonna happen.
If you really wanted to be sure that this woman was in your life forever wouldn't you have walked down the aisle with her long before now?
And if you didn't propose after 2, or 3, or even 4 years from now most women would deep down wonder if you truly wanted them in your life.
It's just that where is YOUR patience with HER in return for all the years that you two were together?
Fair is fair is all I am saying.
well i didnt come here to get bashed... i had allot of things happen in my life over this time including caring for my father who had cancer and died.. my mother also has alzheimers and we had to put her in a home... these are no excuses but there were allot of things going on and mariage was not #1 on my priority list and i didnt fel like i had a sound mind to make a descision like that at that time... should i have married her while i still had doubts in my head that wouldhave grown until they drove me nuts and caused a divorce.. i think it is strange how much I hear guys being bashed on here about not commiting despite the fact that most marriages end in divorce.. maybe if people made sure of there feelings before they jumped into marriage people would stay married longer
Could it be the fact that after 6 years, you still had doubts... and THAT is the reason she left? If I had put effort into a relationship for so long and my bf still had "doubts" or had to "make a decision" as to whether he wanted to marry me... I'd be hurt, offended and think that my life with him had been a waste of my time. Can't you understand how offensive that is to her? WE don't understand why a guy wants to play house and expect her to play wife, but he 'doesn't know' if he can commit???? Come on. If you don't want to commit to her, let her go to find someone who really does love her and doesn't have to wait 6 years to be sure of his feelings for her.
We were just encouraging you to do it now if you don't want to lose her - which inaction will achieve. But you are getting so defensive that you are probably still making excuses because you are afraid to commit. If that's the case... like I said, step aside and let her find happiness with someone who IS sure they want to be with her and don't have to "decide".
You didn't answer any of the questions either. Which to me indicates that you probably are just upset because someone has come onto the scene and might steal her away. Either give her the happiness, or let her go to find it. Can't have it both ways.