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Old 12-28-2005, 12:33 PM   #1
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when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

When I grew up everybody wanted to have a family and parents encourage kids to have one. I am suprised that today mothers telling kids it is ok if you do not have husband or kids. Were our ancestors not as smart as us, why did they prefer having families? To tell the truth most of the people I know were good enough parents, why so many people this day don't believe they can do it or want it.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 12:59 PM   #2
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

i don't know... do you really think this is a great question to post here when you see so many people on these boards in emotional pain because they're upset about the lack of a husband/family? i don't know that they need to be made to feel even more inadequate. i'm sure that wasn't your intention, but i can see this causing a great big problem, and it's not even a relationship issue, which is what these boards are supposed to address, theoretically.

 
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Old 12-28-2005, 01:21 PM   #3
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

galina -

I think it's just because times have changed - women are now independent, going to college, making their own money. No longer do they need to go straight from their parents homes to a husband's - they are enjoying being on their own and not having to answer to anyone, having freedom and flexibility, not to mention much easier access to birth control - seems like an awful lot of kids back in the day were "accidents."

Also, in my opinion, my generation (I am 27) has grown up with a ballooning divorce rate and dysfunctional families. A lot of my peers are afraid that if they get married or have kids it won't work out, and they simply do not want to go through all the heartbreak their parents went through. Their parents also don't want them to go through it so they encourage their kids to grow up first and become independent before settling down.

I always visualized myself married and with kids by the time i was 24. I just got married last year and still have no interest in kids...I'm a little concerned about it...sometimes I worry I won't want to have any at all. Then again, I do not think people should feel like they have to have kids just because it is what you are supposed to do. I don't believe everyone is cut out to be parents and to make them feel like bad people if they choose not to have them is wrong. I have tremendous respect for people who choose not to have kids because I think it is a responsible choice. God knows the world is overpopulated enough and there are already enough neglected and unwanted children, the last thing we need is more.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:03 PM   #4
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

I guess my mom was ahead of her time. She always told me that she would not break her heart if I never married or had kids, so I shouldn't feel pressure to marry and give her grankids for her sake. She was, and still is, very unhappily married, and she didn't want me in the same rut she found herself, which didn't make me feel real great, knowing she regreted having kids and regreted everythign she gave to have them, and me being one of them, but I could see her point. I still really wanted to get married someday, but it did make me a bit defensive and protective of my freedom and esteem, which may have contributed to the failure of my one stab at romance. But I think people in general just don't see marriage and the nuclear family the way they used to. It's still really important to some people, but men do their own laundry and cooking and women make their own money these days, so there isn't such an urgency to marriage as there used to be.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:14 PM   #5
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

I too think that it has alot to do with female independance. It used to be that women didnt have carrer options .. and now we do. I wouldnt go so far as to say people my age (I am 28) were encouraged not to mary so much as we were encouraged to get our education, choose a carrear path and then have a family.

Plenty of people of my generation have families and have done so by choice (and many of us by surprize), I do not think it is an epidemic of people not getting married and reproducing.

And it is very true that the world is a very poplulated place .. and many things make up a family .. and they are not often theese days ... mom, dad, kid ...

I choose to have a family ... of 2. A married couple without children is no less a family because they are also a family of two.

Its a matter of choice theese days ... or cirucumstance.
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Old 12-28-2005, 02:30 PM   #6
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

I have 3 y old at home. I'd like to understand this thing, so I know how to talk to her one day. I'd like her to have traditional family.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:35 PM   #7
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt
I have 3 y old at home. I'd like to understand this thing, so I know how to talk to her one day. I'd like her to have traditional family.
no offense, but do you really think that's for you to decide? what if she's gay? or doesn't want kids? and she's only three! i can't even imagine the pressure of growing up knowing that if i didn't have a 'traditional' family, my mother would be disappointed.

Last edited by opielonghorn; 12-28-2005 at 02:36 PM.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:39 PM   #8
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by galinaqt
I have 3 y old at home. I'd like to understand this thing, so I know how to talk to her one day. I'd like her to have traditional family.
Well, I think we all want our kids to have the "American Dream," a nice job, a nice house, and great spouse, 2.5 great kids, the dog, the white picket fence, happy Christmases with the cute kids running down the stairs to see what Santa brought, happy Thanksgivings with family and friends gathered around enjoying each other's company, happy happy joy joy, the whole shebang. But that doesn't guarantee happiness. And even if it did, not everyone gets it. No matter how you plan, work, strive, try, sometimes, it just doesn't happen. I think the best thing we can say when talking to our kids about planning their future is to respect themselves, respect others, be true to themselves, and be open to possibilities. There's a whole mess of other stuff as well, but that's the nutshell.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 03:14 PM   #9
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by opielonghorn
no offense, but do you really think that's for you to decide? what if she's gay? or doesn't want kids? and she's only three! i can't even imagine the pressure of growing up knowing that if i didn't have a 'traditional' family, my mother would be disappointed.
Everybody in mine generation knew that familys prefers them to have a family and didn't look at it as a pressure. I personally was afraid to have a baby 'cause I didn't know what to expect and happy that my mother convienced me, I am regreting that it happened too late and I unlikely give her a sibling.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 03:42 PM   #10
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

All I can do for my daughter is encourage her to be happy .. I think that is all we can do for our kids.
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Old 12-29-2005, 08:30 AM   #11
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdrop333
All I can do for my daughter is encourage her to be happy .. I think that is all we can do for our kids.
I think to some, happiness equates family+kids for adults. Of course, most of you single and happy women or men out there knows that this is untrue. One can find happiness in many other things. Just look around and appreciate little things or help out those in need. It does me wonders when I am feeling low and alone. True happiness is not one size fits all. What may bring happiness to one may not be true for another. It's based on one's personal preference. Not that I am not planning on having a family or kids because I would love to. I just chose to believe that love and happiness comes in many forms and I chose to accept where I am and be appreciative of the simple things in life instead of feeling doomed about what we don't have. Happiness is a state of mind.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 08:40 AM   #12
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

I think it's more to do with our world these days ... political unstability, general globalization, pollutions, deadly diseases, extremely competitive living environments ... I also used to think that I would want a family with @ least 2 kids too, now I'm really not sure ...

 
Old 12-29-2005, 08:55 AM   #13
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdrop333
And it is very true that the world is a very poplulated place .. and many things make up a family .. and they are not often theese days ... mom, dad, kid ...
.
The world is only overpopulated because a lot of people flock to the same areas, mainly large cities. The truth is, there is not enough children and young people, especially in western countries, but the trend is spreading to other countries too. Countries like Germany and Italy, for example, have a natural growth below the population replacement level. Less than one child per woman (statistically speaking). Population replacement level is two children per woman, and that is already low because not all children survive to adulthood, and not all are healthy and able to contribute to society in the future. It's becoming a huge problem because the population is rapidly aging and there no new people to work and to support the older people. It's not as visible in the U.S. because many immigrants have children, but in Europe it's becoming a big issue. Even when I look around me, most of my friends either don't have any kids, or only have one child. And we are all in our late 20s to early 30s. Only ONE friend of mine just had a second baby and she's 31. It is a growing trend to not have children. I don't think it's good for the society in the future or for the economy, but that's what it is.

 
Old 12-29-2005, 09:07 AM   #14
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

My point was more that many things make up a family.. mom, grandma and baby ... mom and baby ... dad and baby ... man and wife .... wife and wife ... I mean you can have a happy family and its not always man woman and child ... there are so many diffrent things that make a familiy.

I would rather not pigion hole my life by saying that I will only be happy with a husband because regardless of what I am going through I am happy .. I have a family ... me and my daugher... WE are a family ... and I am happy. I want my child to have the same, and nothing less.
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Old 12-29-2005, 09:11 AM   #15
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Re: when and why mentality about having kids and family change?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dewdrop333
My point was more that many things make up a family.. mom, grandma and baby ... mom and baby ... dad and baby ... man and wife .... wife and wife ... I mean you can have a happy family and its not always man woman and child ... there are so many diffrent things that make a familiy.

I would rather not pigion hole my life by saying that I will only be happy with a husband because regardless of what I am going through I am happy .. I have a family ... me and my daugher... WE are a family ... and I am happy. I want my child to have the same, and nothing less.
Oh, yes, I completely understand. I wasn't really commenting on your post as much as addressing the overpopulation/too many kids issue, which many people brought up. I agree that families have different shapes and forms nowadays.

 
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