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Old 12-28-2005, 03:20 PM   #1
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Need advice, comfort, something...anything

I am at a total loss. My boyfriend of over three years broke up with me a week and a half ago. It was a total shock. I don't know what to do with myself, he was literally my life. I feel horrible because I think it was my fault we broke up because I became very naggy for some reason and forget to tell him the things that I loved about him sometimes, although I think I was very affectionate and emotional. Anyways, when we broke up i was living at his parents house with him which was a big mistake. We had been living at my house and were fine but decided to move over there because my brother and his wife were moving into my house and were pregnant. Anyways I did not really like it over his house and I think that made me unhappy and I took it out on him. i didn't mean too though. I also think I was unhappy because he works a lot, 50 something hours a week , and i felt kinda lonely over there without my mom (we are very close). but I also think that me being there made him feel like he had to come home after work and not hang out with friends. Now i can admit that I got mad sometimes when he wanted to ahgn out with his friends, and now that I think about it was stupid of me.

Anyways to fix this problem, i decided to move home.I don't know if that had anything to do with it. maybe he felt betrayed or like I didn't want to live with him anymore. But it was not that, it's just I did not want to live there anymore. Anyways, I came home (still at his house) last week and he asks if he can talk to me. SURE! ...... " I think we should take a break.."

DEVASTATION

The next day I came back to my house with out my things, and with no room at my house and have been here since. I got my things a few days ago but still have no room here. i am at a loss, I don't know what to do, I don't know what went wrong. we lived together for almost two year, I love him so much, I cooked for him and did his laundry for him b/c I love him, I love his family and thay love me, I realize I am a bit clingy and jelaous and have abit of a low self esteem problem, but I don't know what I coudl have done differently except been more understanding, but he must realize my side of the situation....I was not unhappy because of him I was unhappy with the situation. I thought I was going to marry him and I thought he would make a great dad......he was my everything and we did everything toegether and he treated me so well, loved me, and I loved him. but I think I screwed it up by not realizing that yeah he had some little things that bothered me and made me mad but the good things outweighed the bad, now I feel like I have lost the love of my life because I could not accept him for who he is....

Also when we broke up he gave me the spiel about being freinds and tha tthis does'nt mean we will never get back together but I can't help but feel like this has not an affect on him like me. I am a total mess and he seems to be fine. Granted, he has never been very emotional, but a little feeling or for him to at lest let me know what is going through his head would be nice. I am just really scared and there is so much more to the story....I keep hoping he is going to change his mind because I think he loves me as much as I love him, but who knows....he is just hangin out with friends and having a good ole time while I am really sad. It may be his way of dealing with it but I really hope that he would really give it some thought. without him i feel like nothing we got along so well and had so much fun going to disney, on disney cruises etc. I hate to think he would throw it all away for a couple months of "fighting". I say "fighting" because I thought thing s had gotten better and I thought moving back home would make them even better. Everything reminds of him b/c he was my life...i don't know what to do without him...and I can't tell how he is feeling about me...

We have a credit card, under my name, that we put money on, and he wants to pay it off asap, also he pays for cell bill and asks when I am getting a new phone, we also have two dogs together so I can't just cut off completely.....but I cant just be friends with somone I love so much, but I know he isn't going to miss me unless I am gone, but it is going to behard to be gone with the dogs and credit card....Also it will kill me when he moves on and gets someone new.

He is so hard to read b/c the day I left I felt as if he was second guessing himself when he said kind of anxiously "this does'nt mean that we are never getting back together" and he says he still loves me more than I know and that I am his best friend..but...then the other day he called to see if I had been to his house when he knew I had been there because I took some of his stuff over and left it there, so it makes me wonder why he called..but then on christmas I went over there and it was really awkward and for x-mas he got me a giftcard.... I don't know what to do I can't get over him when I have so much tied to him and I want to have hope that he will come back but I just don't know....sometimes it seems he misses me and then it doesn't...I don't think he'll ever find a girl who loves him as much as I did and I really realize now how much I love him and should have accepted him more for the little faults he had...it just really sucks that It took this for me to realize I was having low self esteem and being overbearing and naggy and not appreciating him for all he did do.....help me

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST.....

 
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Old 12-28-2005, 04:26 PM   #2
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

ADD

Also I don't think he didn't want to be with me necessarily, but do you think i may have made feel like he wasn't good enough or that he couldn't provide for me? i only think this b/c he knew I did not really want to move back to my house and that also I did not want to be at his house, so maybe he felt like he couldn't be there for me because I had stuff about getting a house, but you would think instead of doing this he would try and save money for a house or apt. i just don't know...

 
Old 12-28-2005, 04:49 PM   #3
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

Hello, I'm so sorry that you are going through this... you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself though.

My first point to you would be this... don't ever assume that no other girl on earth would love him as much as you do - and don't ever say anything like that. It's a big mistake. There are millions of girls on earth who are lovely and caring and giving, there are some who even put up with waaaaay less than they deserve and adore absolute jerks... so there would be many who would love him just as much as you do, as I assume he has many wonderful qualities. Which is important to remember when we start treating the person we are supposed to love not as well as we should.

I think it's also important not to beat yourself up so much. I'm sure it's not ALL your fault. There could be many other factors that do not involve you. He may feel alot of pressure and just need a break to relieve some of it. He may feel he needs to be on his own to find out what he wants in life. Whatever... you know what I mean. You have identified many issues that you feel that you contributed negatively. While it's good to do that, there is no point whipping yourself for it. It's done and in the past now and can't be changed. You can only use that information to make sure you are more aware of it if you think it will have a negative impact on a relationship in the future.

Okay, now you need to take a few deep breaths and calm down. Have you really discussed why the break is needed or what has changed for him? Have you tried to explain why you have felt so uncomfortable lately and that you feel bad that it may have made him feel upset? Have you discussed what will happen in the future (eg will you still see each other because of joint interests etc), or does this mean a clean break where there will be limited contact? I know it's a shock for you to go through this, but if you get the opportunity, talk to him CALMLY and RATIONALLY about what is going on with your relationship. Don't try to change his mind or cry or beg him to come back. Just talk and leave out as much emotion as possible and listen to what he has to say without jumping to conclusions. You have to accept whatever he has to say at the moment though, and if he just needs some time, you should give it to him. I think you just need to get a few things clear in your own mind so you are not sitting around waiting for him to call and say "okay i'm ready, we can start up again". It may never happen, but it might if he just has some issues to sort out on his own.

At this time, it's best if you avoid any whiny, crying, hysterical, nagging, clingy type behaviour. He doesn't want to see that. Try to stay calm and not jump to conclusions or ask questions in accusatory ways. Just have a casual and light talk so that you can better understand the situation and how it will affect you and your lives going forward (eg with the dogs, the credit card etc). You need to sort at least that part out because at the moment he appears to want to end the relationship and you need to clear things up as best as possible to give yourself the best chance of being able to move on if it comes to that.

Good luck to you.
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Old 12-28-2005, 05:03 PM   #4
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

StormGirl said :::Have you really discussed why the break is needed or what has changed for him? Have you tried to explain why you have felt so uncomfortable lately and that you feel bad that it may have made him feel upset? Have you discussed what will happen in the future (eg will you still see each other because of joint interests etc), or does this mean a clean break where there will be limited contact?

I have tried to discuss with him why the break is needed but pretty much all he's says is that it's because we have been fighting a lot and I shouldn't blame myself for it, because it's both our faults. Also, the first time I said something about moving home he said that he did not want me to and that he would miss me and he needed me. Then when I told him I was he didn't seem to hurt or anything by it and i told him it had nothing to do with us but i just didn't like living there. When he broke up with me he said that he still wanted to be friends but he has been very awkward and he said that he never wants to not talk to me but yet he does'nt call and i don't to call because if we do have a chance at getting back together it won't happen if he thinks I chasing him or trying to change his mind out of guilt or pressure. Also, everytime i try to talk to him he says he does'nt want to talk about and that this is just what WE need right now, then I say that I did not need this in order for me to know that I wanted to be with him, to which he responds well I guess I just need time to figure out what I want. The problem is i would listen to what he has to say, but he has nothing to say! i guess he just needs some time, but I am scared to think that he will never come back because he thinks that my family hates him or because he thinks that I won't forgive him or that it can't work out.

i want to better understand the situation but I can't when I have no idea what he's thinking and doesn't want to talk about it. i guess the only conclusion I can come to is that he needs time to think and he'll either move on or come back...It's just so scary to think he'll move on....I really, Truly, whole-heartedly love him...

Last edited by steakie46; 12-28-2005 at 05:04 PM.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 05:21 PM   #5
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

Of course it's scary. And the worst thing for you, is not knowing exactly why or what will happen. I'm sorry he doesn't want to talk about things right now, and if that's the case... don't push it. Maybe he doesn't even understand it himself.

I don't really know what else to say. I know how heart breaking it is for you. And I'm sure he DOES know how much you love him. Believe me he is probably feeling just as much pain and confusion as you. No one wants to be a part of a relationship that is constantly in the battle groud where no one seems to be happy anyway. And he's right, it takes 2 to have a fight. It IS both of your faults in different ways. So stop trying to take on the whole responsibility here.

My advice then would probably be to give him the space that he wants. Tell him you are sorry for all that went on in the last few months and realise that it wasn't the right way for either of you to handle things. Tell him that you care and love him very much, and although it's hard for you to let it go, that you will give him the space he needs to figure things out, but that you are always there for him if he needs to talk things through or try to resolve an issue (and no this doesn't mean he can use you for any sort of intimate behaviour - if he wants space, have it - if he wants to be intimate, then be in the relationship... don't back down on this or you could end up very hurt). Tell him if he feels the relationship can be resolved in the future, that you are quite willing to talk and to come to some sort of compromise that will make you both happy and able to have a great relationship. Tell him that you will miss him and it will be hard for you, but you will respect his wishes and you hope he can sort things out for himself as quickly as possible. Then maybe you may have to talk about what to do with the dogs, credit card in the mean time until he knows what he wants etc. Let him know you don't want to intrude too much into his 'space' so maybe come to some arrangement that will suit you both in that time. You really don't want to be around him too much at all or else he will never want to resolve things... why if you are always there and he gets the good part without the responsibility of a relationship?

So for the meantime, let him go and get on with your own life... hard as that is. If he loves you, he will come back... but don't wait around for it in case it doesn't happen.

I will have my fingers crossed for you.
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Old 12-28-2005, 05:44 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

Thanks Stormgirl for all the advice. I only have one question, I do want to tell him all those things you said becasue that is how I feel. However, how do I go about saying them to him, becasue everytime I bring up something about us he doesn't want to talk about it and I don't want to be annoying about it. Should I write it in an e-mail (I have already written one e-mail to him about us) should I leave a message on his phone, write him a letter, what? thanks in advance.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 05:49 PM   #7
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

If he is not listening to you... best do it in either an email, but I prefer letter. And in writing, you can't be tempted to break down in tears and beg!!! Just be very careful with your wording though, because sometimes things can be misinterpreted (eg something you mean to sound very nice may seem to him a ultimatum etc). Write it, and when you are happy with it, send it. Do not send any others after that. When you have sent it, leave him be to his 'space'. But do include that you would like to hear back asap on the issue of the credit card, or the dog situation etc so that you do not have to bother him anymore. But most of all, let him know you RESPECT his decision and will abide by it to give him the time he needs. That way, it puts the ball in his court.

I really do wish you all the best. It's a horrible feeling to be stuck in limbo and not know what is going to happen...
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Last edited by StormGirl; 12-28-2005 at 05:51 PM.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 05:56 PM   #8
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

Yeah the thing that sucks about the dog situation is that we have two so naturally I took one and he took one but he wants to still see the one I have and I would not mind seeing the one he has but then I will constantly be in his life somehow and then how can he miss me? Also, he said something about me dropping off mine for a week, but I'm thinking well then I'll be lonely...hmm...i don't know, but I can't have both at the same time, but I don't want to not have either either..and like I said if we are still talking and seeing eachother because of the dogs he is not going to realize whats missing in his life without me....


Also one thing I forgot to mention is sex. He is my first and I was his first and it just makes me sick to think of having sex with anyone else but him, and I feel like I will feel really sh**ty if i get with someone now that I have had sex with him, but I don't want to have sex with anyone else!!!

 
Old 12-28-2005, 06:11 PM   #9
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

The dog situation is a hard one... but maybe set up a routine so that once a week or once a fortnight or something, you can exchange dogs? How would that be? Arrange to meet at a park at a certain time or something every week or whatever, and change dogs over. That way you get to see both of them. And if this guy hasn't heard from you or whatever since the last week or fortnight... don't you think he might be a little excited to see you and wondering what you might be up to? That way, you get to stay in touch without it being because you miss him like hell and can't help but contact him, but it's a legitimate excuse (of course it's a necessity in the best interests of the dogs ). And when you see him, simply exchange pleasantries, swap dogs and go on your way. Don't stay any longer than is necessary, and try not to show too much emotion. You don't want to guilt him into coming back... he needs to do so of his own accord.

I was in the same situation as you regarding sex. But no one is expecting you to run out and have sex with someone immediately, as I'm sure he won't either. He is hurting and confused to you know. If he decides that it is totally over, and you end up meeting someone else one day, your feelings will change... believe me. It won't matter so much that it's someone different because you should have feelings for this new person by then. And if in the meantime you meet someone else anyway to hang around with, you don't have to have sex with them. You only have to have sex when you feel like it's right for you. So although you can never imagine being intimate with anyone else ever right now, in time if you do not get back together with this guy, believe me your feelings will change (especially if you find a hot guy who adores you!!! ). But don't have sex with your ex. Even if he begs and you think it may mean a chance for you, don't do it. It won't change anything other than you will be hurt. Show him he needs to have respect for you and if he wants to act like he's in a relationship, then he needs to be in one with you...
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Old 12-29-2005, 10:24 AM   #10
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

Thank you Stormgirl

again, good advice, and I am going to write him soon to say those things. I freel a little better but I still don't understand why all of the sudden he needs "time and space to figure things out" we have been together for three you you think he would have had them figured out by now. I don't understand what went wrong he got plenty of time away from me working and hanging out with his friends once in a while. I am just so confused, because when you know you love someone so much yet they aren't sure about you it really hurts. I am only afraid that while he is getting his space he'll "move on" because the friend he has been hanging out with is probably just glad because now he can hang with him all the time. Also he is not talking to anyone about this and I would hate to think that he is talking to his friend about it because his friend knows nothing about relationships! And, i hate to think it, but what if its becuase of another girl..... I mean we spent all our time together so i don't know when he would have met someone except at work, but that happens. But since he is not talking to me and I have no idea whats going on it makes me wonder. I mean he never gave me a reason not to trust him, but if he doesn't tell me and we aren;t together then he does'nt have to tell me. I did ask when we broke up and he said it was not becuase of another girl he just needed time apart to sort through his feeling, but how can he do that when all he does is hang out with his friends!?!?!?!

 
Old 12-29-2005, 10:25 AM   #11
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

laso if anyone has had a simliar experience or advice feel free, i am open to advice and support from all. maybe a guy can give some insight?

 
Old 12-29-2005, 05:10 PM   #12
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

I know how confused you are. My boyfriend of 6 years at the time did exactly the same thing. Out of nowhere, needed 'space' and 'time' to figure things out. I too, wondered why the hell they weren't already figured out... after all, I'd had it figured out for years. What was there to 'figure out'? You either love someone or you don't right? He also never spoke to me to tell me why. He was very standoffish and didn't understand that I didn't understand where he was coming from or why. I wanted answers. We got back together, and to this day... I still don't really know the answers. Sometimes looking for the answers is a waste of time, because I don't think your bf or ex really knows what's going on either.

Having been there, it really is best to give him his space. I highly doubt there is another girl. That's what I was afraid of too, but it wasn't that at all. My bf had just hit an age where things in his life weren't going to plan and he became depressed and I guess got confused about his life. We had also had a minor argument which probably tipped him over the edge and we didn't see eye to eye on, so I think part of it was to also punish me by ignoring me. But really, that's just what i think. I really don't know. And I made the mistake of pushing him by calling and asking questions all the time. It made it worse. Then one day, when I had really given up all hope, I just let it go. I sent him a message saying that I loved him, but it hurt too much for him to treat me this way. That I was sorry he was confused and hoped he worked things out. That the hardest thing in my life was to walk away from him when I didn't even know why, but that it hurt way less than what I was going through stuck in limbo. And that if he ever needed me, I would be there for him. And I stopped contact. That's when I started getting the messages. Still, I didn't reply. Oh I wanted to, but I didn't. As soon as I did (because I didn't want him to think I didn't care), he would back off for a while again. So I started going out and doing my own thing. It was really the only choice he gave me. I can't remember who initiated it, but we ended up agreeing to spend New Years together after not having spoken to me since mid November. It was weird and awkward for me and he acted like it had never happened after a month and a half of torture for me. I was expected to just get over it as well. That was the hard part. And also rebuilding a relationship that had gone off the rails for no apparent reason, or none that was being spoken of anyway. But really I think it was more about his own issues than anything else. He had lost his job, his car licence, he wanted to move out of home but couldn't, I was getting angry because I was working like a slave and trying to help him find a job while he seemed to do nothing and then wanted to keep me up until 4am playing games on his computer - but I was the bad one because I was trying to take away all his fun???? He just didn't understand me, and I didn't understand him.

But it was a long and hard road back. I didn't trust him anymore. I didn't understand he could do it to me... and he's not really one to talk about his feelings too much. A year later and things are better. We had a little argument the other day though and he said that if I was going to be like that then he would ignore me again for a few months. He didn't really mean it (wasn't said seriously) but I let him know that if he did it again, he'd only be playing the game with himself cause I'd be long gone. It's silly, childish and immature... but your boy may have valid reasons for wanting to sort himself out. Sometimes it works out for the best, sometimes it ends in heartbreak. All you can do is try to look at it rationally and do what you think is the best thing (only you know him after all), and hope that it works out and he realises how silly he is being.

So Steakie, I can identify with everything you're saying. Your fears, your doubts. Yep, they are all natural. So is blaming yourself. But it's never just one persons fault.

I don't know what else to say, other than I truly hope it works out for the best for you.
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Old 12-30-2005, 07:53 AM   #13
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

It does sound like you were in a simliar situation, my guys is also not much for emotions/feelings. So what happened exactly to get you two back together, did he realize how much he missed you and what was missing in his life without you? I assume things things are now going pretty smoothly, how long were you apart before you got back together? What did he say to you to get you back?

 
Old 12-30-2005, 12:15 PM   #14
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

First of all you should not have given up your house. Its one thing to be nice and help out but you have to draw the line somewhere. If 2 people cant provide a home for themselves they have no business making a baby. Your troubles began when you gave up your home.

 
Old 12-30-2005, 12:23 PM   #15
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Re: Need advice, comfort, something...anything

uhh, what are talking about i think you posted on the wrong thread

 
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