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Old 12-30-2005, 07:09 PM   #1
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Unhappy Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

I'm worried that my gf is taking me for granted and that I'm getting a bad deal out of the relationship - I really want to know what other people think because i'm to embarrassed to tell any of my friends the details.

We're 22 & 23 and have been together for four years. I'm really crazy about her, and I think that's the problem - she's realised that even if she makes no effort I will still adore her, so surprise surprise she takes me for granted, and IMO treats me badly.

The main problem is sex. She hardly ever used to be sexual with me, blaming it on her stressful job. Then she quit the job and for a while things were fantastic, with frequent and exciting sex. But now she's just slipped into her old useless habits, and the more I get frustrated and complain the less she sleeps with me - we've only had sex twice in the whole of December. Ideally I would like to be having sex 3 or 4 times a day, but realistically 3 times a week would be fine, is that asking too much? She admits herself that sex with me is great, but she hardly makes any effort to try to be intimate with me, she often pushes my hand away when i try to touch her, and she won't wear sexy lingerie or even be naked with me usually. When we go to bed she just puts her pyjamas on and rolls over, just like a damn kid, like no-one ever told her that when adults go to bed there are other options besides sleeping.

Also, she insists on being allowed to sleep with other men occasionally. She hasn't actually done this yet (I know cos I tap her MSN, email and cellphone messages, oh come on do you blame me!?!) and probably won't do it much or ever cos she hardly has any friends and little social life, but it's the principle that counts. She says I can do the same if I really want to but I don't particularly want to, I want to have sex with her. I'm not happy with her not giving me sex, yet wanting to do it with other people, do you see?

What I think but can't admit is that she just wants to keep me on hold for later, just because I'll be earning a lot of money and she thinks she can have her way all the time, but I want to be her lover not some ****ing d1ckhead to be taken advantage of.

It hurts so bad that she treats me like this, I feel literally exhausted because of the constant effort I make to try and make her happy, not upset her, do and say the right things. I feel like i'm treading on eggshells, the slightest wrong move (such as "why are you in a bad mood with me tonight honey?") can (and does) result in tantrums, shouting and her threatening to dump me. I know it should be me dumping her but I can't bear the thought, once when she dumped/threatened to dump me i couldn't stop crying for half an hour, the first time i've cried for years and years, i just broke, i couldn't stop, and i had no-one I could talk about it with... which is where you guys come in!

I think that the only way to make her realise how rubbish she is being would be to dump her, then she would suddenly miss having me to cuddle her, spoil her, pay for the expensive appartment and bills, and tell her she's beautiful every five minutes and she'd hopefully regret everything. But then it would be too late and we'd be finished, which doesn't help me.

Or does it? I'm so paranoid and so scared about losing her, I don't think I'd ever meet anyone else I was so crazy about, I'd just be alone for years and years and possbly forever, luck has blessed me with brains, money, humour and talent, but unfortunately not confidence when it comes to getting girls, plus I'm not getting any younger and I'm not as handsome as I once was. What should I do? If i try and have an adult conversation with her about sex or her behaviour she puts her hands over her ears and won't take them off till I leave the room. When she's not threatening to dump me she says she loves me, and i believe her but she just doesn't seem to realise that a relationship requires effort from two people.

I've tried so ****ing hard to be the ideal boyfriend, I give give give and she is just take take take.

 
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Old 12-30-2005, 07:17 PM   #2
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guinea-Pig
Also, she insists on being allowed to sleep with other men occasionally. She hasn't actually done this yet (I know cos I tap her MSN, email and cellphone messages, oh come on do you blame me!?!)
that statement provides the answer to the question in your subject line.

 
Old 12-30-2005, 08:24 PM   #3
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

YES. It's quite simple. She treats you like that because you let her, so you have no one else to blame.

And you forgot to add "utterly childish" in your description of her. Oh my goodness, I can't tell you what I'd do if I was trying to say something and a GROWN ADULT put their hands over their ears???????? That alone should be enough to answer your questions... such immature behaviour... but I've never quite seen anything to that extent.

Seems to me she is only using you. And it's not going to change, no matter how much you give, or compliment, or buy, or pamper. She is a spoilt brat who loves no one but herself and is using you to live the lifestyle she wants... hence why she doesn't want to give anything back. And you're right, if she doesn't want to have sex with you (although 3 or 4 times a day would be enough for me to want to avoid you too!! sorry!!), but she wants to be 'allowed' to have sex with others. STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER, STOP SPOILING HER, STOP GIVING IN TO HER DEMANDS. Again, oh my goodness, what are you doing with her? Talk about having someone under the thumb... she has you so far under she is literally crushing you. Why would you want to be with a girl like this? What is there possibly to love? Do you ever think it is seriously going to change? And do you know how many women (regardless of your age and looks) would absolutely KILL to have a partner like you? They would think you were heaven on earth... so why you waste your time with this ungrateful little child is just beyond me. We all suffer a bit of heartbreak in life, but we all survive and move on. As will you. And I'd rather have a bit of heartbreak (and relief) at letting this girl go than a whole lifetime of feeling like crap being with her...

Where is your pride man?
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Last edited by StormGirl; 12-30-2005 at 08:26 PM.

 
Old 12-30-2005, 09:42 PM   #4
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Ok, just to let you know...I too share your girlfriend's attitude towards sex (not the cheating part). I would rather just go to sleep than to sleep with him, if you get my drift. In the past, he showed that sex was the only thing that mattered to him by gropping me in public, grinding on me everytime I bent over or begging for me to go down on him everytime we sat down to watch tv. Not to mention his constant eyeing of other girls. It pushed me away to the point where I learned to not be intimate with him, and now that the relationship is better, I still see no need for the intimacy. Don't get me wrong, I do occassionaly enjoy sex, but it just isn't all that important to me.

In no way, am I suggesting that you do any of the above. From what you described yourself as, you seem like a dream come true. I don't understand why she wouldn't want sex with you but would suggest involving other men or women into the picture. Is she seriously ok with you having sexual relations with other women? If so, then she obviously does not love you as much as she suggests. Jealousy is normal in any loving relationship! If there is no jealousy, then love is also lacking, in my opinion.

Perhaps you baby her too much. Sometimes women like to be dominant, or treated badly, to be attracted to someone. Is she by any chance on birth control pills? They can lead up to a lot of irritability in women.

23 is not that old. You seem like you are running out of time. Maybe for a five-year-plan, but you still have so many years ahead of you. If you aren't happy with the present situation or can't see it getting better in future years, then perhaps you should save yourself some time and end it now. If you and your girlfriend got together at a young age, perhaps she is bored or feels like she is missing out on something. I wouldn't count on "absence makes the heart grow fonder" in this situation. If you bluff by breaking up with her, you just may be giving her the opportunity that she may be looking for or is too scared to make.

 
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Old 12-30-2005, 09:47 PM   #5
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Hang on, you're only 23???? I must have overlooked that part...

Another reason to get out while you can. You could have so many more opportunities. Why do you want to doom yourself to a life of misery with her?
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Old 12-30-2005, 09:55 PM   #6
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

I think you need to take a long hard look at what you're getting out of the relationship, not just sex-wise, but in every way, and ask yourself if it's worth what it's doing to your self esteem. It's hard to have to say or hear, but your girlfriend is not behaving the way someone behaves when they are in love, no matter what she says. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who, even if they have a lower sex drive than you, is willing to work the problem out, someone who is more willing to pay their own way and take care of themselves, someone who doesn't want to sleep with other people, if you want that, you deserve a chance to go out and find it, which you never will if you stay with this girl. Good luck to you.

 
Old 12-31-2005, 08:06 AM   #7
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Sorry dude, didn't really read your post, only because I felt no need to: - anybody who's selfish & cheats on people, are good to let go.

Dump her pls.

 
Old 12-31-2005, 08:46 AM   #8
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?
The anwer to a question like that shoud be painfuly obvious. Is there any level of rationalization that can overlook either of those two traits?

First end it, then second work on yourself in a serious way to fix the part of you that feels compelled to mull over if a cheating selfish gf is someone worth keeping. You deserve a person that fully appreciates and respects you for you and if you are willing to even remotely consider someone that is selfish AND cheats, you have some self esteem work to do.

 
Old 12-31-2005, 08:49 AM   #9
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

GET OUT NOW!!! She's taking you for granted and you don't trust her. How many more reasons do you need before you realize this relationship is broken? Dump her now and maybe she'll learn not to take a guy for granted.

 
Old 12-31-2005, 12:41 PM   #10
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

I also hear the sounds of a woman who has been in a relationship for four years with no promises that it is going anywhere.

Marry her, or let her go.
(I gather you're living together, why haven't you married her yet? 4 yrs is long enough to know.)

 
Old 12-31-2005, 01:04 PM   #11
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I also hear the sounds of a woman who has been in a relationship for four years with no promises that it is going anywhere.

Marry her, or let her go.
(I gather you're living together, why haven't you married her yet? 4 yrs is long enough to know.)
I like the way you think, mamma ruth! I may not always completely totally agree with you, but we can alwasy count on you to see the valuable aspects that we may miss!

 
Old 12-31-2005, 02:27 PM   #12
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Obviously there are some wires crossed somewhere in this mess BOTH of you have made. I feel that your selfish and callous behavior has caused her to turn away from you and give you less emotional support. I don't believe for a minute that she is the total blame for the chaos that has been created between you two. She is a woman, not a scape goat for your own insecurities and doubts. I think before you continue the relationship that both of you need to evaluate the maturity level that both of you have pertaining to this relationship. It is not going to help you to continually blame her for things that have gone wrong, when all you have done here is complain and not even half-heartedly tried to come up with a practical solution to prevent this relationship from crumbling into dust. My advice is to sort out your behavior and the consequences of your actions within the relationship that has caused this rift of despair and not acts of a loving, devoted relationship. She could be feeling the same way about you in these matters, but unless the lines of communications unfold and the boundaries are clearly drawn, I do not see how this can work. In order to salvage this relationship, you need to refrain from the drama and blame and change your negativity into a brainstrom of solutions. Do you think this would be possible for you?

 
Old 12-31-2005, 02:55 PM   #13
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
I think you need to take a long hard look at what you're getting out of the relationship, not just sex-wise, but in every way, and ask yourself if it's worth what it's doing to your self esteem. It's hard to have to say or hear, but your girlfriend is not behaving the way someone behaves when they are in love, no matter what she says. If you want to be in a relationship with someone who, even if they have a lower sex drive than you, is willing to work the problem out, someone who is more willing to pay their own way and take care of themselves, someone who doesn't want to sleep with other people, if you want that, you deserve a chance to go out and find it, which you never will if you stay with this girl. Good luck to you.
I agree he seems to be highly upset about the sexual aspect . If thats all he wants he shouldn't be in a commited relationship, and again he only whines and complains all the while offering to valid solutions .

 
Old 12-31-2005, 03:00 PM   #14
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degen95 HB User
Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kentucky_Miss
I agree he seems to be highly upset about the sexual aspect .
how about her wanting to have sex with other guys??

 
Old 12-31-2005, 03:06 PM   #15
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Re: Should I dump my selfish, cheating girlfriend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by degen95
how about her wanting to have sex with other guys??
Well, that's the other huge red flag. If the person you're seeing wants to sleep with other people and you don't want them to, then there's not a lot of wiggle room in that negotiation. You don't fix relationship problems by turning outside of it to other people. Saying straight up, "hey, I want to see other people" is really just saying "hey, this relationship isn't doing it for me anymore, and I don't want to invest any more time and energy in it, but I dont' have the guts/conscience/courage/strength/maturity to end it outright, so I want to shop around for my next relationship while still having you at home as my fall back just in case I don't immediately find anything better than you. Sound like a plan?"

Man, I wish y'all had been around when I was going through all my relationship crap! You would have been so much help!!!

Last edited by Hiya; 12-31-2005 at 03:08 PM.

 
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