Well, it is New Year's Eve and I planned on staying home all day and night, just watching football with my family. My boyfriend is playing until midnight so I wouldn't be ringing in the New Year with him anyway. Then he tells me a few days ago that his friend is having a big New Year's party and he wants me to go with him. I told him I didn't want to. I am not much of a party person. Besides that, I am working on one week of sobriety, and there is sure to be a lot of liquor at the party. It isn't that I am afraid I will drink, but I don't really want to be surrounded by people who are this early in my recovery.
His friends are nice enough, but I don't really know anyone who is going to be there. I went to the Christmas Eve party and didn't have much of a good time. I told him I would be plain miserable if I went, but he did not care. We had a big fight last night, where he begged me literally for hours to go. (And he's 27, not 17!) I said I didn't understand why he could not just go to the party by himself. What happened to all of those guys out there who like to be away from their girlfriends every now and then to hang out with the "boys"? My boyfriend needs to drag me everywhere.
So now we are not speaking to each other and I just don't get it. I finally told him this morning that I would go, if he needed me to be there SO badly. Then he just got grumpier and said he didn't want me to come now, anyway. What the heck? He insists that I don't want to spend the New Year with him, but that is not true. I do want to be with him, as we are together every single night, without fail. I just don't want to go to a PARTY. I said if he wanted to see me so bad then he should come over and see me either right after his concert or else after the party. Another thing is that the party is set to go until morning, and I don't want to be up that late.
So who owes who an apology here? Who should relent?
Without question, he is wrong. You should not be badgered into going to a party you do not want to go to. This is not the same as a personal invite to join another couple or two in an evening of conversation and friendship. This is a bunch of people you don't know and a place you don't care to go on a night you would rather stay home.
This to me would signal a red flag beyond just this incident. That you are off the wagon is enough to be supportive of your wish not to be around alcohol. But it should not even take that. It should be enough that you have said repeatedly you do not want to go.
If you give in you are training him to understand that even on issues you feel strongly about, he can expect you to not hold to your position. If he stays grumpy or mad, you have a bigger problem than just New Years Eve.
Well, I don't think it will necessarily help matters to try to get into a "who's right, who's wrong" thing. Congrats big time on your sobriety!! That's huge, and no doubt the most important thing you've got going on right now. Does he know you've had a problem and are in recovery? Is he aware of how important it is for you to be around people and situations that support, not undermine, your sobriety? If he nows these things and still insists you come to a party where you will feel uncomfortable for many reasons, maybe a little break wouldn't be the worst thing for you. If you've let him know you love him, really want to spend the night ringing in the new year with him but for many reasons wish to and need to stay away from parties right now, then you've done all you can do. The ball's in his court. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's about what you really need to maintain your sobriety and whether he can support that or not.
Thanks guys. Yes, he knows that I am trying to remain sober. But he has the exact same attitude my mother has. Neither believes that drinking is really a "problem." Nor can they comprehend how hard it has been for me. But I understand that I cannot make people change their mindsets. I can only focus on changing my own behavior.
Er, after all this I've decided to go to the party, simply because I don't want to spend all night alone on New Years. I know I'll be fine with the drinking thing. Just hate to be the one to give in I hope everyone has great night and a good New Year...
Well I hope you had a good New Years regardless. However, the need that you have for someone to be right or wrong, is in my book... wrong. Why is it his fault because he wants to welcome the New Year with his partner? Okay so you spend every night together, but this is a special night right? I just can't for the life of me see why you would think that he is in the wrong or that you have to 'give in' to him. It's just a little bit petty.
I'd hate to think what the reaction would be to a major life compromise...
Well Gypsy, I sure hope you check in and let us know how the night went. It's a shame he can't see that you had a problem you sought help for. Is it that he doesn't believe there's such a thing as "alcoholism" or that you can just quit if you want to bad enough? Either way, it's a pretty ignorant, myopic view he holds, and it is a bit worrisome that he can't or won't be more supportive.
What makes it "wrong" has nothing to do with expressing a desire for your partner to be with you on New Years Eve, what is wrong is the way in which he behaved. She told him she would be miserable if she went and he indicated he didn't care and followed it up with hours of begging. Taking this to the extreme of starting an argument over it and insisting she go where she said she didn't is bullying.
If it was only about being with her on this "specal" night, she asked him to join her for a personal opportunity to ring in the year together. He didn't want only to be together on this specail night, he wanted to whine and complain for hours as to why she shoud go with him to a party she did not want to go to.
I think it fair to categorize those behaviors as "wrong".
Hello again. Well as it happens, my New Year wasn't all that great. I did not drink, but I did end up slightly overdosing on something else. (Ugh...I really don't want to go into detail. But it was NOT intentional). I ended up not going to the party because of how sick I was. My boyfriend was annoyed, but he could see I was not doing so well so he just went by himself. Later on that night I went over his house, but unfortunately I spent the entire rest of the night and morning locked in his bathroom, sick to death. I thought I was going to die! But I made it through, and now I am very serious about not doing any drugs at ALL. (I know, that is kind of a big DUH). I've got a lot of learning to do, clearly.
Well, I guess I ended up ruining my boyfriend's night anyway, without meaning to! But I now wonder if I am being too self-centered or what. Some things kind of bothered me. Like, I was in his bathroom for around 45 minutes before he came to check on me. What if I had passed out or something? And then the whole time I was in there he just kept on smoking joints out in the livingroom. I know he cares about me, but that just all struck me as kind of insulting. But it was my fault for getting sick though, I did it to myself.
Ick, sorry for all of my depressing-ness. I'm doing a lot better now. I regret that I did not have a better New Year, but at least now I've learned my lesson.
Edit: Hiya, it is more that he does not see how drinking can be an addiction, and that if you want to stop, then you should just be able to. That simple. He insists he has several friends with drinking problems who stopped and can still hang out in bars all the time without a problem. I'm used to the attitude, though. When I told my mom about my problem and asked if she could look into rehab for me, she said that if I was really drinking that much, then she didn't want me to living in her house anymore. Well, the point was that I didn't want to be drinking that much anymore, doh. But I think it has made me stronger to have to fight this thing on my own, instead of relying on other people to carry me. Thank you for your response
Last edited by GypsyArcher; 01-01-2006 at 05:12 PM.
I just believe that the his way or my way mentality, or someone has to be right or wrong theory will only get people to singledom much faster than they expected. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong... but if it's so important, then you doom your relationship to always be in the battlefield and proving who is right or wrong and finger pointing, instead of finding ways to compromise and resolve. It's all in how you handle the situation.
There are much bigger issues going on here than to worry about him being wrong or not because he wanted you to accompany him to a party.
And if his influence is having a negative impact on your health and well being and the way you want to turn your life around, I suggest that you stay away from him. After living your lives a certain way and accepting him for who he is, you can't expect him to change overnight because you want to improve your own life and he doesn't necessarily understand that just yet.
After living your lives a certain way and accepting him for who he is, you can't expect him to change overnight because you want to improve your own life and he doesn't necessarily understand that just yet.
hmmm ... I would say ... @ least feel good about the fact that he really wanna go everywhere with you. Believe me, it's some kind of a luxury. He NEEDS you ... he wanna take you everywhere, to meet all his friends. You MUST be a very good GF. You must be such a hot babe with perfect personality that would make a BF feels so proud of. He must feel so good when you are around him.
Having said that, of course he's not right. You should have your complete rights & freedom to choose what to do & what not to do on any day of the year. I'd suggest, next time, if this happens again, talk to him more. Explain that you really appreciate his offerings & conerns, but you also have your own things to do. A 27 year old man should be able to understand that, if you be patient & express yourself to him.
O ... & just to answer your question: - There should be no right or wrong, only communiaction.