I've been with my bf for almost nine months, and currently I'm almost 11 weeks pregnant. We live together in a two bedroom apartment and lately, he's just been driving me crazy. He goes out 4-6 times a week with his friends to drink, and the night ends with me having to go out at two in the morning to pick him up, drunk. It's so frustrating because I go out. He expects me to stay home and clean when I'm not at work, even though I've been very very sick from the pregnancy. If I go to see my parents, he throws a FIT about how I'm not at home cleaning. I never go out with my friends, I don't even have many friends, and when I go to see my parents, it's once a week so I can go to school.
This week he had two days off of work. Wednesday he spent all day with his friends, so I asked him that night if he'd spend Thursday with me. He said he was going to his friends for about three hours and the rest of the day he'd be with me. I ended up getting very sick that day, and I even passed out in the living room, and when I called him, he said "oh, well, go clean and you'll feel better." no, are you okay? no, i'll be home soon to help you out... nothing! He didn't even care!! So then I lay down in bed to wait for him to get home... he stays out for EIGHT HOURS. I called him and started sobbing about how his friends are more important than I am, that I'm never going to get any respect from him. He said he felt really bad and he's going to be different but I don't know.
I keep hoping that he'll realize that soon we'll have a baby and he won't be able to go out... and if he doesn't get the clue soon I'm going to move back in with my parents so that they can help me since he will not. Am I being unreasonable with this or not??
Are you kidding? If it were me, I'd already be back with my parents, doing whatever I could to start building a life that did not include this jerk. I think he's already made it very clear in no uncertain terms how the relationship will play out as long as you're in it. Sure, people can change, but not without a good reason to do so. Right now he has no reason to really change, because his behavior isn't costing him anything. Have you seen a doctor this week? I'm no expert, and maybe some of the other ladies on the boards who have been pregnant can chime in on this, but it doesn't sound "normal" to be passing out due to pregnancy. You need all the help and support you can get right now, not some selfish lout who cracks the whip on you to clean all day long. Crikey, the Jetsons treated Rosie better than that, and she was a robot!! Also remember, many chemicals used in cleaning products can be unhealthy for you and the baby if you absorb too much of it through your skin or inhale too many of the fumes. He should be having his butt home cleaning for you, taking care of whatever you need. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. Surround yourself with people who will help, not hinder the process of having a healthy, happy birth. Unfortunately, your guy has already chosen not to be one of these people.
I feel sooooo bad for you. What you have described of your boyfriend is awful, and I think that you have a right to be upset with him for his thoughtless behavior. My goodness, you're pregnant, sweety, and that is the most wonderful thing in the world, and he needs to be there for you.
The other poster is right that you shouldn't be passing out due to your pregnancy . You need to make an appointment with your physician to be seen ASAP, as this is not a good sign. I don't want your child to suffer the consequences of a poor prenatal environment, and I certainly don't want you to have any problems, either.
You need to relax, put your feet up, and tell your boyfriend that he needs to help out with the house cleaning. Had you discussed any of this prior to the pregnancy? Were you aware if he was already of this mindset?
Please, please, please take it easy...and continue to write to us to let all of us on the Healthboards know how you're doing.
My heart really goes out to you . Take care of that baby and yourself .
Last edited by Musical_Muse; 12-31-2005 at 01:10 PM.
We discussed this a lot when we first found out we were pregnant. I told him flat out "You have to give up the party lifestyle" and he said he understood. He says going out now is justified because soon he'll have to be home all the time, so he wants to get it out of his system. So that makes sense, to an extent. I mean, he's NEVER gone out this much before. I think he's turning into a borderline alcoholic. Everyday, he has to drink, he can't just go and play music without alcohol. And it's not like he's just having a beer or two, his friends get him expensive whiskey, tequila, scotch... and he drinks it all up!! He bought his friend this huge bottle of tequila for christmas, and ended up drinking most of it himself!! It's bad enough for me, my ex abused me badly when he was under the influence of alcohol, so the smell has really bad memories tied into for me. His friends are so stupid, none of them even THINK about a designated driver, EVER! Because we all know how uncool that is, and how cool driving drunk and putting our lives at risk is. I told him to start calling a cab when he's drunk, because 1) I'm sick and I don't need to be going out at two in the morning where i could get in a car accident, get attacked, all that good stuff. and 2) because when we have a kid, I'm not dragging the kid out to pick his sorry butt up every night..
I've just tried everything i could think of. I tried forbidding him from going out, which didn't work, i tried being supportive and not voicing my opinion too much, but that didn't work! I just get treated like a doormat instead of a girlfriend or a mother!! I can't get any respect no matter which way I go, and it's getting to the point that i just want to throw a brick at him!!!!!
Luckily, I'm going to my parents for New Years eve and staying the night, so maybe i can get away from this stress for a little while. As for the passing out, it's only happened once, and I think it's because I was just so sick and i hadn't had much to eat or drink the day before or that day, but I will mention it at my appointment (which is the fifth of January... i get to hear the heartbeat.. )
I'm sorry, sweetie, I just can't have any respect for a man who would make the woman who's carrying his child inside her come out at 2am to pick him up because he's too drunk to drive himslef and too cheap and/or irresponsible to call a cab. Nothing has worked because you can't change anyone else's behavior, only your reaction to it. He needs to choose to change himself, and he never will as long as his current behavior never costs him anything. If you can, stay longer than just overnight at your folks'. I'd stay until the dr. appointment if I could. You need the support. Please dont' feel it's your responsibility to go out and get him home safely after he's been out drinking. He's a grown man. He's responsible for himself. If he chooses to go out and get so drunk he can't get himself home and none of his stupid friends can get him home either, then he must deal with the consequences.
Move out. Don"t worry about the how your leaving is going to affect your child. You and the baby do not need another child to take care of.
When he comes around, Tell him he needs to clean up before he can see you and spend time with his child.
You have to set the standards you will tolerate right now.
So he's partying because he wants to get it all out out of the way before the baby comes? Is he getting his uncaring additude out of the way too? Sorry, I got to be blunt here, but the type of person you are describing will probably not change. He doesn't sound like he is respecting you in the slightest. He doesn't sound like father material either. It sounds like he wants a cleaning slave that is there for his service. He also sounds very controlling and selfish. Please think of your baby's health and get out of this stressful situation.
I can only imagine how you must feel. From what you've now written, I would probably want to throw a brick at his idiotic head, too . But remember that he is the father of your baby, and you may need him (as sick as this sounds right now ) later on down the road, so don't maim him just yet .
Does he know about your past with your abusive ex? You should explain this to him so that he will have a much better idea about all of the reasons that you object to his thoughtless drinking behaviors. How old is he, by the way? Maybe he is nervous about being a father, and he is using drinking as a way to escape it. Have you tried family counseling? One-on-one counseling? This may be a good way to go if he will agree to it. What has your family said about his craziness?
Like Hiya said, I would also recommend staying over at your parents' house until your appointment. I agree that you need all the support that you can get, and you deserve all the support that you can get, too .
I have yet to have a baby, myself, but I think that I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. Weird, huh ? Many of my friends have children (or will be having a child very soon--one friend is nearly eight months now ), and I love them sooo much.
I wish that I could hear that heartbeat. I hope that it's loud and strong . Let us know how the appointment goes, okay. Until then, surround yourself with people who love and support you. I know that the solution to this difficult problem will come to you...
As for the passing out, it's only happened once, and I think it's because I was just so sick and i hadn't had much to eat or drink the day before or that day, but I will mention it at my appointment (which is the fifth of January... i get to hear the heartbeat.. )
p.s. as for feeling sick, try holding a sliced lemon to your nose, that will help with the nausea.
Meatball, I am so sorry for what you are going through.....I can imagine everything you said...because I am in a very similar situation but the big difference is that you are pregnant and poorly .... and your current BF sounds more of a heavy drinker than mine.
The other thing that strikes me is that your BF SO selfish, asking you to tidy up the flat and freaking out for wanting to go out???? That's more than extreme! He is trying to control you.
My ex has caused me severe anxiety because he was alcoholic, violent and he ended up miserable, losing his job....and everything..
He used to go mental at me, he would lie, and even hit me to go out, never predictably, and for nothing wrong I did. He always threw the blame on me for everything that went wrong in his life such a loser!
Even today I have panick attacks...and I feel very insecure when my current BF drinks...I actually freak out, so I am not at all surprised that you are feeling that bad!
The best thing to do is to try to spend as much time with your family as possible. Once you have your baby and hopefully feel healthier, you should stand up for yourself and be the master of your own self...never allow him to tell you what to do and what not to do!
Let him take it as a matter of fact that you are going out with your friends, or to visit your mum's. Don't ask him if you can do something, just do it and let it be his problem to accept it! But for now, try to take it easy and just be in a better company as much as you can.