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Old 01-01-2006, 06:12 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 136
emma_j_21 HB User
Well.... Bit of an update

Hi all.
i haven't posted a topic in quite a while but i thought i should come on with me latest.
Well i'm gonna be totally honest and say i relapsed big time. i was seeing my ex in secret for a little while. At first i was only doing it so that he'd split up with the girl he was with(the one he cheated with)and also because i wanted to. My head was a mess and well it just happened. So we saw each other in secret for maybe 2 months, but then i stopped it all. I said i couldn't handle it. I needed some time alone and and to think and stuff. Well what was happening to me was i realised that i didn't have the same feelings for him that i had before we split up. I realised that i had fallen out of love with him. This was all very hard to get my head around and started raising some questions like maybe what hapened was a blessing cos if i fell out of love 3 months later then what did i feel for him before.. was it real. I knew that yes i was in love with him for certain but it still messes with my head. So anyway i can put my hand on my heart and say i don't love him anymore and don't have romantic felings for him either, however he on the other hand is begging for me back, saying how sorry he is and how madly in love with me he is blah blah blah, while all this may be true i have to go with how i'm feeling and what i'm feeeling just isn't the same. I told him i don't think( i don't i never will be told him i don' think) that i will ever get back with him again. I just don't forgive him for what he did.
Now some of u may know that he has a medical conditon, which over the months has gotten worse. I told him that i DO want him as a friend but that if he cudn't handle that, then i'd understand. He said that he needs me in his life whether it be a friend or something else( i told him something else may never happen again!!) Anyways all his mates have seem to just diseapeared and i'm the only one who he can confide in about his feeling about his illness and stuff. Goody.. u'll understand some of this in the last two weeks he's be hospitalsied, stayed in over christmas he's had a ct scan, cos od headaches, a cheast infection, so had iv's then his port in this chest went bust, so thats another operation, and he's having a camera put down into his stomach on tuesday because of stomach problems and his pancreas is on its way out. also(goody) his luing function is 35% not good). So he needs me. he's very very very depressed at the monent so i can't drop him till he's back on his feet. And i'm happy to be friedns with him cos i'm not kidding myself cos i know my true feelings towards him and well i DO want him in my life.
So that been me latley.
Now to the real stuff. On friday night i was out and i kissed someone. The first person since i split up with him. It was so strange, but so good and also confirmed that i don't have the same felings that i did for him. So yay go me. I'm so proud of me . i got his numer...he's sooo cute. so i'll keep you all updated.
So i guess i've finally moved on and gotten over a horrible few months and realised that YES there is life after people you consider to be the ONE!!!
Goody i missed u. can't wait to hear from you.-- i promised i'll be on more.
A happy emma.

 
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Old 01-01-2006, 06:30 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia!!
Posts: 880
StormGirl HB User
Re: Well.... Bit of an update

Hi Emma, I'm so pleased that you are going so well. And I wish you all the best for your new future!

I remember reading your posts back before he went overseas (not sure if you went too). I remember thinking, gee this guy is really sick and still he's being a jerk, but I rationalised it that he was just afraid and wanted to live it up as much as he could with whatever time he had left... however that didn't mean he got to hurt you in the process.

One would think that if he is so sick, he would want the ones who really love and care for him to be around him. Doesn't he have a limited time to live, or has that diagnosis changed? But honestly, you have no need to feel guilty or whatever. You tried to do your best but he chose to live a different life. He made his bed well and truly, and no one could have expected you to put up with that... for whatever reason. So he's professing his love for you now... haven't you heard it all before? He keeps playing the same vicious game with you, and I for one am so glad that you are smart enough to have changed the rules and stopped playing. But you are an angel for still wanting to be there for him in his time of need and sickness. Many others would have told him where to go, sick or not.

It's great you have been able to move on. It's been a long process, but you now only have hope and happiness ahead. Don't let him guilt you into not pursuing that will you? This new cutie, and any other guy you will encounter will be all the poorer for not having a chance with you if you do!!!

Again, best wishes to you... yes you have proven that it's possible to live and love again! Good on you!
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Old 01-01-2006, 06:40 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 136
emma_j_21 HB User
Re: Well.... Bit of an update

It was me that went away(went to south arica for 3 weeks).
Yeah he;s bentelling me for about 4 months now tha he's madly inlove with me and wants to me and lives for teh day that we will bw together again... God love him he's gonna be waiting. He bought me lots of stuff for x mass to suck up but it didn't work.
Even after all he did i still want to be there for him. I know i shouldn't but he's very sick and very depressed and has no one else.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 01:33 PM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 136
emma_j_21 HB User
Re: Well.... Bit of an update

It was me that went away(went to south arica for 3 weeks).
Yeah he;s bentelling me for about 4 months now tha he's madly inlove with me and wants to me and lives for teh day that we will bw together again... God love him he's gonna be waiting. He bought me lots of stuff for x mass to suck up but it didn't work.
Even after all he did i still want to be there for him. I know i shouldn't but he's very sick and very depressed and has no one else.

 
Old 01-03-2006, 04:23 PM   #5
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Well.... Bit of an update

Hi, Emma I've missed you too!!! Please don't beat yourself up about relapsing and going back to your ex...if you hadn't then you probably wouldn't have realized that your heart has moved on or been able to experience that awesome kiss with the other guy!!! I am happy for you too.....you surely deserve so much happiness in your life.

Now, as far as your being available to support your ex through his illness, I think it would be a wonderful gesture on your part to be able to do so, so long as you are able to continue to be honest with him as well as yourself about your wanting to do so without sacrificing yourself and your overall happiness in the process of doing so. Some people are able to do this......lend support to someone who is chronically ill and yet able to grow as a person themselves. Try not to be his sole support......I know that he trusts you and needs you and you should be there for him to the extent that you feel you can be and make it known to him that you do care for him but not in the way that he feels towards you. Allow him the gift of knowing that you do care for him and want to help him through difficult times as someone who truly cares as a friend but tell him that there are boundaries to this in the sense that your feelings for him in terms of boyfriend/girlfriend are over. Let him know that you are interested in supporting him so long as he understands this and doesn't misinterpret your support as something more than what it is.

I sure hope that you continue to stay happy and I am so glad you gave us an upsdate.....I will keep my fingers crossed that the happiness you so deserve comes your way and that you get alot more kisses like the one you got the other day. Great job on being brave enough to give the guy your number....has he called you yet???

Lots of (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-03-2006 at 10:26 PM.

 
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