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Old 01-02-2006, 01:14 AM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 16
Aerith_Rose HB User
Question Angel with a broken heart.

Hello everyone on healthboards.com

I am new to health board and I was hoping to seek advice on a broken heart and a relationship My story begins about 6 month ago. I meet a young woman 26 years old at a local college that was a student, but also worked there. She was hired by the school to work in the Resource Center part time. I meet her one day after school when I need help on a word 2003 project assignment. She helped me with a big smile and we began to talk a little here and there. One day I saw her working in the Resource Center about two weeks later and I decided to ask her to the mall. I was never us and a little afraid that she would think I was a little weird or something. She said she would and we met and had some fun. Little by little we began to see each other on the weekend having fun and going places. She was my all time best friend . One day she told me that she loved me and I told her that I loved her and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I loved her with all my heart and soul. To me she was my soul mate. I always told her how much I loved her. When I saw her at school or on are own time. She keep in regular contact with me threw e-mail and we talked here and there on the phone. Everthing seem ok. Then one day she said "I am not in a great mood, as I have been thinking about all the crappy things that people have been doing to me. Including my father sending my presents to my old apartment when he knows perfectly well that I live here right now... He's being passive-aggressive in terms of getting back at me for not calling him enough. It's really getting irritating and childish. To be honest, I am also not that fond of Ms. Blondey at college, either. She has been an *** to me, too...passively-aggressively, of course, as she would never want to actively get into it with anyone. As she has even said herself, she is very vain and self-absorbed. She really liked your present that you gave her, by the way, as it plays on her self-centeredness. I just would like for people to be up front with me...stop all of this bull**** with the passive-aggressive behaviors. Just say it straight out. That's all that I ask from people. I make lots of mistakes, myself, but I just want people to tell me what they want from me, and I will do the same with them.

I tried to be as support as I possible could, but she would not talk too much with me. Her mother told her I had called. She sent a response to me and this is what she said next "I would like to talk with you about one or two things, actually, so maybe we can get together sometime this week (not today). I know that this has come up in the past, but I need to talk with you about "us." I know that you haven't taken my thoughts on this issue very seriously in the past, but I think now it's time for you to take them a bit more seriously. What I'm thinking: I think that you're a great person, and there is someone out there who will appreciate you immensely for all that you bring to the table, but I am not that person. I would like to be freinds, but I think the romantic relationship is just not compatible for me. I'm not saying this out of any kind of spite or anything. I am saying this from the bottom of my heart: I need to move on from this relationship, and I need for you to understand this. Even if you don't quite understand, I just need to move on.

I to life of me could not understand why she would do that to me. I loved her so much I told my friends and family how much I loved her. I always had wonderful things to say about her. I always commented on how beautiful she looked. I loved, honor, and respected her with all my heart and soul and I could not to the life of me understand what I had done to make her stop loving me.

I try to meet with her to talk with her about all of this, but she exnord me and would not talk with me at all. I sent her an e-mail to tell her that I was truly sorry for what ever I might have done and ask forgives and told her I loved her with all my heart and soul.

It was a two days later when she got in contact with me and what she said next to me shattered my heart and soul to peaces. This what she said " "Our relationship is over" I will not be emailing you/calling you for quite a long time so that you will get this. I have even debated (due to outside suggestions) simply telling you that we're over and I no longer want any more contact with you, as for some people a clean break is the best way to go.

I want to let you know that I will be dating again and, to be very blunt and straightforward, I am not your soul mate. If I decide to resume contact with you, I will ever only be your friend--nothing more than this.

Your parents seem to believe that your the Prodigal Son and they dote on you endlessly, building up a false sense of reality. Frankly, I think this is a complete travesty to your development as a human being. You need to realize that the earth does not revolve around you, and that you are simply a speck in this huge cosmos. I do not need you to "watch over me" as I make my own destiny and I work hard to do this. You need to get out there, work hard to make your own destiny.

Goodbye.

I was very heart broken by this. I never did anything to her except tell her I love her and cared about her, her dreams, her wants , everything and love, honor and respected her. She left me in tear all alone. I have for the past 2 week been trying to get over the lost of the first and only woman that I have every loved in my life. I have tried to seek answer from friends and family. I still fill this big void inside. I am only 20 years old. I am young and new to the game of love but I know I would have lad my life down to save hers.

I don’t know how to get over this broken heart and the lose of my best friend. If this pain dosen’t go away I may just end it all. So I have come here to ask for everyone’s help. Any advice on what I can do to get over this would be greatly be honored.

Thank you for reading my post.

Aerith_Rose.

 
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Old 01-02-2006, 02:57 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 675
Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Angel with a broken heart.

Hi there and welcome to the boards . I hope you will find it helpful to post and seek advice from us--the overwhelming majority of posters here are wonderfully caring, upbeat, and supportive people who will do everything in their power to help you feel better and cope with whatever obstacles unfortunately pop up in your life. I am so truly sorry to hear about the painful ordeal you're going through and glad that you reached out to us for support during such a difficult time...please though, whatever you do, DO NOT EVER TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE no matter what happens and no matter what the people you care about do. Nothing is worth such a permanent and drastic action--I really hope that if you are seriously considering suicide, you seek immediate help from a suicide hotline or a professional therapist/counselor/psychiatrist. No matter what is wrong, that is never a solution, OK? You sound like an extraordinarily caring and loving man who undoubtedly has a wonderful life, full of amazing relationships, ahead of him...having lost someone I loved more than I ever thought possible when I was fresh out of college, I completely understand how crushing, devastating, and earth-shattering it is to be faced with losing someone you cherish so much especially at such a young age, but I promise that you WILL get through this stronger and happier than ever if you just hang in there and take it one day at a time. I had been fortunate enough to have had several relationships before the one which broke my heart in which I was truly in love before, which in some ways may have made it easier to get through the first heartbreak I’d ever experienced, despite how horrible the pain it caused was. Since this girl is the first one you have ever truly loved, it is completely understandable that you are feeling desperate, lost, and panicked at the idea of losing her…please believe me that the way you’re reacting is totally normal and that you will be okay, and that nothing, including this (which hasn’t even been resolved one way or another yet) is worth giving up your entire future and the rest of your life over.

Okay, so as far as your situation specifically is concerned, the most important thing to realize is that when you open your heart and love someone as passionately as you love your GF, you leave yourself vulnerable to having your heart broken, which while absolutely devastating, is ultimately worth risking because of how amazing and wonderful it is to let yourself fall deeply in love. Still, that risk is very real and very dangerous—anytime we open ourselves up completely to another person, we expose ourselves to very negative as well as overwhelmingly delightful emotions because they now have the power to crush us by taking away the love which makes us so happy and on which we’ve come to depend. So you’re in a very vulnerable position, which makes the way you’re feeling all the more understandable and natural. Unfortunately, the problem with loving someone is that they have the power to break our hearts by taking away that love, and they may even withdraw their love while still loving us deeply, even if they don’t do so maliciously…but the sad truth is that there is nothing we can do to make someone love us or want to continue a relationship with us if they don’t want to do so voluntarily. I think that might even be part of what makes it so sweet and fulfilling to be deeply in love with someone, that risk that no matter what we do, no matter how much we love our partner and no matter how lovingly and wonderfully we treat them, they can still leave us alone and heartbroken at anytime, for any reason, and often seemingly for no reason at all.

As someone who has, up until the first time I had my heart broken, always been the one to end both my casual and long-term, serious relationships in the past, I think I understand where your GF is coming from and what she is trying to say to you. If it’s any consolation, I think that her leaving was inevitable, at least going from what she said in her note, and if you are with someone who feels you love them more than they love you, while it may be impossible to gain any solace from this right now, it is ultimately easier on you and better for you for them to end the relationship sooner rather than later so that they don’t unnecessarily deepen your attachment and increase the pain you’ll experience upon losing them. While having your heart broken is never easy, I think almost anyone would agree, once they have some time to reflect objectively, that they would rather be left as soon as their partner realizes the relationship is not something they want to continue indefinitely than have the end put off and be strung along, which ultimately causes more pain and resentment for the partner left behind than being left as soon as the other person realizes the relationship is effectively over does. In addition, if this is any consolation, it sounds to me like her decision has a lot more to do with her issues than it does with you doing something wrong or not being good enough…actually, it sounds like it’s quite the contrary. She clearly thinks you are a wonderful, unusually caring partner who deserves nothing less than for all the love you give to be reciprocated by the person you extend your love to. She seems to think that you love her more than she loves you, and as painful as it is to have her leave, it’s ultimately an act of love on her part to cut you loose if she just doesn’t feel the same degree of love for you as you feel for her and to grant you the freedom to someday find someone who will love you every bit as much as you love her. I’m not sure if that makes much sense, and I’m sure it’s not at all comforting at this point, but it does sound like she cares deeply for you and is trying to do the right thing that is ultimately best for each of you. Her last comment was unnecessarily blunt and mean, but all in all, it sounds like she is trying to be as honest as possible with you and give you the information you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has chosen to end this relationship.

Again, I’m extremely sorry that you have to experience the horrible pain of losing someone you obviously love so deeply, but having been through something very similar myself, I promise you that in time the pain will lessen and that eventually, you’ll love again. This woman is just not the right partner for you, no matter how strongly you feel about her, because if she was, then she would want to be with you and love you as much as you love her. She knows that this isn’t the case and therefore wants to spare either of you further pain by ending things now rather than stretching them out any further…however, I know that this fact doesn’t make you feel any better now and that it will probably take some time before you’re able to feel some comfort (or anything but devastating pain and loss) over this breakup. For what it’s worth, everything you are feeling now is totally normal and while unfortunate, you’ll ultimately be better off without a woman who doesn’t fully appreciate you and wholeheartedly want to be with you. But losing someone you love, particularly when you are a person who loves as deeply as you do and when the loss is your first love and your first heartbreak, is one of the most painful experiences humans go through, and it is going to be very difficult for awhile until you get some time and distance from this situation and your pain starts to lessen a bit. Until then, the best thing to do is not ignore or shut out your feelings—cry, yell, vent, whatever you feel the need to do, try to surround yourself with supportive people who care about you, try to maintain as normal a routine as possible and keep busy when you feel up to it, don’t put pressure on yourself to “get over it” according to any arbitrary timetable, and consider seeking professional help. There is absolutely no shame in finding someone who is professionally trained to assist people through traumatic and extremely painful periods of their lives to talk with as you try to heal and move on from what is probably the biggest heartbreak you’ve yet experienced at this point in your life. My heart goes out to you—my breakup was nearly a year ago, and it wasn’t too long ago that I finally stopped crying every day and feeling completely empty to the point where my grief felt like physical pain. Posting on this board and having the support of those who had been through similar experiences really helped, as did talking about my feelings, relying on friends and family for love, companionship, and support, and not putting any unnecessary pressure on myself to do anything more than get through one day at a time. Again, I’m just so sorry for you, although I think this is ultimately for the best and was sadly inevitable…I really hope you will lean on us here at healthboards whenever you feel even the slightest need to vent, talk about your feelings, seek advice, or just have someone listen and offer support. Hang in there…it will eventually get easier, and in the meantime, just go easy on yourself, try to be as good a friend as you can to yourself, and just focus on surviving each moment of the present without dwelling on the past or future. Good luck and take care .

 
Old 01-02-2006, 03:21 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 151
muzicman66 HB User
Re: Angel with a broken heart.

The first love breakup is always the most painful. Respect her wishes and leave her alone. Later, down the road, If she does contact you and wants to be friends (common occurance). Do not contact her until you are over the initial feelings you are now experiencing over her leaving. It will only leave you open to more heartache.
You may have moved to fast for her. It was only a 6 month relationship.
You may be the type who loves hard. If this is the case. You need to slow down and make sure the one you desire, is of the same thinking. At least now, you can move on knowing what you want in a relationship. At the age of 20, your ahead of most people. Over time, you will meet more than a few women who meet your needs and vice versa. Remember this, When you break one of these women"s hearts, try to be nicer than this woman was to you. Chalk up her insult to you at the end ,as her being immature, on the subject of letting go of another.
Seek counseling for yourself if needed.

Last edited by muzicman66; 01-02-2006 at 03:23 AM.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 02:31 PM   #4
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 16
Aerith_Rose HB User
Re: Angel with a broken heart.

Thank you, Veronica_Mars for talking to me. Your kind words have helped me very much and have taught my heart. I fill better, but still in my heart I fill very alone. I remember one day she gave me a letter and this what it said:” Thank you for being there for me, sweety *big bear hug* I'm glad that I could be there for you when you've needed it, and I'm still there for you--how did your midterm go? I know that you said you think you did well because you had our picture near you...awwwwwww . I do need your support right now BIG TIME. I would love to see you at the lunch times at college, etc." That is one of the sweet letters she wrote me once.

I know that it hard. She was one of my dearest person in my life. I prayed for many, many years and nights that my angel would come and we could go and have fun and be are self’s. When I found her, I felt this joy in my heart that I never felt before. I felt compete. We would run all over the park together laughing chasing each other. Looking up at the stars at night, and think all about the wonders of the universe.

In my short life that I have lived, so far, I have always believed that my true love and soul mate is connected to my heart. I thought I had found her. But there was so much she didn't tell me and end the end she broke my heart.

Knowing you have been in these shoes, how did you get threw all the pain?

It is going to be hard for a while to get over her for she go to the same college as me. She still has two more weeks left at College and then she will be gone. What should I do if she see me or if I see her? Do you have any advice on this?

There is something that I want everyone to know about her. "She is a sweet person and I know that there is someone who is just perfect for her when the time is right ." I will always love her as a friend. But I think that you are right Veronica_Mars that her decision has a lot more to do with her issues than it does with me doing something wrong or not being good enough…actually, it sounds like it’s quite the contrary and I absolutely agree with you on that. I think (and I am speaking from my own thoughts) that maybe the relationship that my GF and I had went to a leave that she has never had before and maybe she was just not ready for a serious relationship with some one who was. She thought I saw her as a stand-in mom but that was not true. I just care very much for her and I wanted her to know that since most guys will not tell or give there GF the true love and honor they deserve. I wanted her to know I was proud of her and that I cared.

I want to thank you so much Veronica_Mars and everyone on HeathBoard for hearing me. I am true grateful for all your advice, and understanding. If any one has anymore advice for me on all of this subject please fill free to leave any advice. I could use all the advice I can.

Thank you again

Aerith_roses

Last edited by Administrator; 04-16-2011 at 01:17 AM.

 
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