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Old 01-02-2006, 04:49 AM   #1
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JennaLynnK HB User
Another problem with porn

I've always had a pretty easy going out look on my boyfriends' watching porn. It bothered me slightly, but as long as they weren't using it as a substitute to being with me or you know fantazing that they were the guy in the video i was relatively ok with it. Here recently though, my boyfriends been doing a lot of it, and its really started to bother me, so we've been in a few fights about it, nothing really too big. Well, about three weeks ago I found a really disgusting program on his computer, its all purpose was for the guy to use voice commands to tell a pretaped women what he wanted her to do and a video would pop up of her doing it. It was really sick to say the least, but thats not the worst part, it cost 30 dollars to ********. We share the same bank account so I was furious when I saw it.

After that I confronted him with it and he said that he hacked and didn't pay anything for. He deleted the program and swore he was sorry and that he wouldn't ******** anything like that again. So then a couple days later I'm checking the bank account and paying a few bills when the internet site that he downloaded shows up with a deduction of 30 dollars.

I went crazy, not only did he buy porn, but he lied to me about it and I felt completely betrayed. We got into a huge fight that was mostly one sided, that ended with me deciding I was going to move back in with my parents. I tried to stick by what I said, but I couldn't leave. He was begging me to stay and telling me he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again, and I truly didnt want to leave so I stayed. But we didn't talk for two days, and it eventually started with bits and pieces of conversation here and there, and now things are for the most part back to normal.

My question is, I gave him an ulimatum. If he downloaded porn (which he said he wouldnt, his choice not mine) he has to tell me, and if he doesn't and I find out the cable internet gets canceled and he has to get dial up for two months. Then if it happens again, I'm moving out. Does this seem like I let him off to easy or is there a better way to deal with his porn problem. I just need suggestions or advice. This whole thing has really hurt me.

 
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Old 01-02-2006, 05:09 AM   #2
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muzicman66 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

The both of you need to find a better way to solve any problem. Why leave over it? Why does he feel the need to lie to you? I think his porn watching is reaching the next level. What is he missing from his life to pay money to see it?
Calmly talk with him about these questions. You may not get an answer right away . At least he will be seeing your sisde of it.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 06:29 AM   #3
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vintagegirl HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

At 33 I have seen the dating experience evolve dramatically over the years with the infiltration of internet porn. Back in the early 90's, it was never something that my girlfriends or I had to contend with....there were strippers, mags, and the cheesy rental movies....but not this. And men are always going to look--to what extent is the real issue.

The lying would bother me more. I would wonder why he felt the need to lie. He shouldn't have said he hacked the program....that proved he is very casual about lieing to you, especially on the spur of the moment. It's not as if he came back later and admitted he paid for it--he assumed he would get away with it, never expecting you to examine the bank statement.

I get really sick and tired of people turning it around on the woman and saying that he felt he had to lie (awe poor baby) because of her....people lie because they don't respect the person they are lying to.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 01-02-2006 at 07:37 AM.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 07:00 AM   #4
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Music4All HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennaLynnK
Does this seem like I let him off to easy or is there a better way to deal with his porn problem. I just need suggestions or advice. This whole thing has really hurt me.
The short answer to your direct question is, yes, in my opinion you have taught him your word and your values are as solid as jello.

You need to decide what your values are and why. He is free to do as he wishes and be guided by his own values, but you too are free to determine what is acceptable and why and to enforce in your life those values through the decisions and choices you make. Sometimes making decisions in support of what you think is right and best is very difficult becaase nothing is easy and without consequences. But if having a bf that is honest and whose word is rock solid is one of your core life values, you need to make sure you are not compromising for short term gain and perhaps more pain.

Only you can decide what values rise to the level of deserving a "last stand" position. But whatever those values are, if they rise to that level and you compromise on them, it will likely be a compromise you would later regret.

That's the philisophical; the practical is you that have essentially given him a get out of jail free card to use for at least one more serious deception. Not much backbone in that.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-02-2006 at 07:03 AM.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 10:42 AM   #5
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Gurl86 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Yes you let him off way too easy. You gave him the room to look at porn without question and yet he betrayed you buy buying this program. And you trusted him when he said he wouldnt do it again and he did anyways. I am a person who doesnt run away from my problems but I would have moved back with your parents to show him you are serious and mainly because I have a big problem with porn why would he need it if he has you. Thats the way I look at it. Make him choose you or the porn. Yes I think you need to find out why he felt he had to lie to you and why he needs to pay money for this for what he is missing in his life. I am lucky that I have a husband who willingly got rid of all his porn when I met him and we have a wonderful life and the only way he watches porn is with me. Hope this helped, good luck.

 
Old 01-02-2006, 12:10 PM   #6
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Slider27 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Porn and guys are not synonymous!
I don't bother and i'm 36 with 5 years online experience...i havent had the real need to and not through having loving partners either. There's something decidedly missing, but that i know most guys don't even look into. I'm just one of those old fashioned types that likes to have emotional feeling with sexuality.

The thing is about 'use' . A guy uses porn and while he may have the fantasy at that moment of him and the mostly inanimate women doing sexual favours on each other or/and himself, he doesnt then imagine life with a nice house and two kids with her does he lol
It's the very real difference in how some women relate to porn and their guy. He's their guy, these bodies and sex acts are for self pleasure and leave the mind just like memories of chatting to a cab driver after a night out.

But..where things seem to have developed in this instance, in my opinion, is with regard to lies and deception. I totally agree with the other replies in the way he felt able to lie and cover up....however, he doesnt do it very well does he. You found out easy enough...mind you, the need to check bills is a little awkward within a loving relationship.

One idea.....ask him what he really likes with the porn. Is it big boobed ladies ?, sexual environs ?, uniforms? what ?
Is some of his wish to use porn related to things he and you don't do...things he wouldnt really know how to raise without you screaming off..and that he can get from the specific things he watches.
Then you could have an evening of role play..acting out just what it is he likes.
Perhaps theres something in this that could REALLY get bedroom athletics motoring !!!
Becoming a little lighter in approach may help the both of you out.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 10:11 PM   #7
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pradasweets1983 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Ted bundy was addicted to porn..He said on tape that porn had a part to play in why he murdered. For him it got to the point where porn no matter what level of hardcore he got to,it just didn't do it for him anymore. He needed to go out and get the real thing.

Sorry I am going for my PhD in psychology and that is something I came across awhile ago. Now what I said is a bit extreme. But look how far porn has come of recently. How is this easy access to horrific, carnal, vulgar acts of sex going to affect people in the years to come?
And how can it not?

 
Old 01-13-2006, 10:42 PM   #8
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Hiya HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by pradasweets1983
Ted bundy was addicted to porn..He said on tape that porn had a part to play in why he murdered. For him it got to the point where porn no matter what level of hardcore he got to,it just didn't do it for him anymore. He needed to go out and get the real thing.

Sorry I am going for my PhD in psychology and that is something I came across awhile ago. Now what I said is a bit extreme. But look how far porn has come of recently. How is this easy access to horrific, carnal, vulgar acts of sex going to affect people in the years to come?
And how can it not?
Studies also show that although not everyone who uses porn becomes a sex offender, every sex offender serving time now has used porn. Studies also showed that a group of young men were shown an interview with an actual rape victim and their level of empathy and compassion for her and her situation were measured. Then over the course of a week they were shown different types of porn movies. Then at the end of the week they were shown another rape victim and their empathy and compassion levels dropped significantly. There was a higher percentage of the men saying it wasn't really rape, she "asked for it," etc. It certainly does have a desensitizing effect.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 11:34 PM   #9
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V6 Jeep 4x4 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Of course just about every sex offender has used porn. You don't just wake up one day and go out and molest/rape someone. I imagine that most get urges to do something to a women, turn to porn to try to fulfill those urges and when that no longer is sufficient, than they rape/molest someone.

However, if porn was not available, most, if not all, of these people would still be serving time. In fact, if porn wasn't so readily available, sex crimes IMO would go up due to the fact that these guys would have nothing else to fill their urges. (Just a theory I have)

Your guy, however, doesn't seem to be too intelligent. First off, the fact that he lied to you about buying it when you share a bank account isn't too bright. Add to the fact that he's paying for porn in the first place when it is readily available for free online is quite dumb as well.
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Old 01-14-2006, 12:19 AM   #10
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justinluck HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by V6 Jeep 4x4
Add to the fact that he's paying for porn in the first place when it is readily available for free online is quite dumb as well.
I second that!!!

 
Old 01-14-2006, 10:06 AM   #11
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pradasweets1983 HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Here is a quote from Ted Bundy from an interview he did the day before his execution.
On porn" In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a seperate entity inside."

The reporter, James C. Dobson said,"You feel that hardcore pornography, and the door to it, softcore pornography, is doing untold damage to other people and causing other women to be abused and killed the way you did."

Ted then replied,"I'm no social scientist, and I don't pretend to believe what John Q. Citizen thinks about this, but I've lived in prison for a long time now, and I've met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography - deeply consumed by the addiction. The F.B.I.'s own study on serial homicide shows that the most common interest among serial killers is pornographers. It's true."

ALL I have to say is WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone----Charly

 
Old 01-14-2006, 11:57 AM   #12
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Hiya HB User
Re: Another problem with porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by pradasweets1983
Here is a quote from Ted Bundy from an interview he did the day before his execution.
On porn" In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a seperate entity inside."

The reporter, James C. Dobson said,"You feel that hardcore pornography, and the door to it, softcore pornography, is doing untold damage to other people and causing other women to be abused and killed the way you did."

Ted then replied,"I'm no social scientist, and I don't pretend to believe what John Q. Citizen thinks about this, but I've lived in prison for a long time now, and I've met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography - deeply consumed by the addiction. The F.B.I.'s own study on serial homicide shows that the most common interest among serial killers is pornographers. It's true."

ALL I have to say is WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone----Charly
Thanks for the valuable info, it goes along with what I was saying. Porn is not a catharsis, use it and it will curb any violent or deviant behavior, nope. It's a motivator, a catalyst that desensitizes and makes these acts that are socially unacceptable suddenly seem more acceptable and ok.

 
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