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Old 01-02-2006, 06:27 AM   #1
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Ester32 HB User
Help please

I got so disappointed with my husband. We are married for 5 years now and as time pass by he become everything I do not want. Last thing was now, couple of month ago, we just had a baby and he did not bring flowers or any gift for me in hospital, neither at home. He could definitely afford one but it just did not happened, as well on many occasions before. That hurt me a lot, and I am just not capable to get over it. He does not know, because I do not feel like discus anything with him. I lost all my love and respect for him. Since this is my second marriage and I already have another child who live in broken family I do not want repeat same mistake. I am thinking to wait until my second daughter leave home and then divorce, but the question is, is it possible to wait for so long ? She is only 5 month old.
Am I to hard on my husband thinking that way?

 
Old 01-02-2006, 10:29 AM   #2
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Re: Help please

Hello, and welcome to the board...
I am thinking that there has to be a lot more to your story than him not getting you a card or gift when your child was born.
Can you tell us a little bit more about what he is like and how he treats you?

 
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Old 01-02-2006, 02:01 PM   #3
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Re: Help please

I would suggest you talking to your husband. You know not all guys are into flowers etc.. since my bf is one of them. He rather buy me fake ones since fresh ones die to fast. To him it's a waste of money if it's going to whelt so fast. I can always get my bf to buy me real flowers and I'm sure you can to if you tell him that you want some. It might help to give us a bit more details regarding what is really bothering you since you seem so unhappy. Get back to us and we're here to listen.

 
Old 01-03-2006, 07:02 AM   #4
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Re: Help please

Hi again,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, there is more to it then just him not bringing gift …My problem is then he is extremely lazy and slack person and that bring all sort of problems into our life. He would not do absolutely nothing in our house but mess. Sometime I feel like his servant or maid. He accuse me of being posses and “Miss tidy pants” but it is not true! I do like to live in tidy place and do everything to keep it that way, but it is very hard with him, also I do not have time and energy to keep up with all that. I run my own business from home, have small baby and big house to take care, all shopping, washing, ironing, gardening and cooking is on me. All he does is come back home from work eat his dinner and go to sit in front of TV, or computer. Sometime he is even to lazy to take shower. Disgusting!

There is other side of this story….he is really and genuinely interested for improving our relationship and marriage and sometime trying really hard, unfortunately it does not last long because of his slackness. Yes, he would bring beautiful flowers Friday night, often, he would ask if he can help once in a while, he would ask me how I am doing and “If he is in good books?” but as answer to him when he ask last time. There is no more space to complain about you in my book, it is just too full. He disappoint me in so many ways then even as much I want it is hard to thing nice about him. And even harder live and pretend.

 
Old 01-03-2006, 07:20 AM   #5
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Music4All HB User
Re: Help please

You said he has become everthing you didn't want in a man. At the time you marreid him, was he what you wanted then? Has he changed from an undustrious hard worker to a lazy person? Has he changed from a clean and tidy person to a messy person?

 
Old 01-04-2006, 06:32 AM   #6
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Re: Help please

To “Music4All” I was just looking for some help/support here not for “you should of or could of” I now that my self by now. There is popular Yiddish saying “A man iz vos er iz, nit vos er iz geven” Mean: A husband is what he is, not what he has been. And that is so true, we all change with time, or do not recognize things on time. You don’t?

 
Old 01-04-2006, 06:56 AM   #7
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Re: Help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ester32
To “Music4All” I was just looking for some help/support here not for “you should of or could of” I now that my self by now. There is popular Yiddish saying “A man iz vos er iz, nit vos er iz geven” Mean: A husband is what he is, not what he has been. And that is so true, we all change with time, or do not recognize things on time. You don’t?
I wasn't telling you what you should have or could have done, I was asking if he is the same now as he was when you married him in order to better understand your situation. If he was different when you married him and has since become a lazy slob, that speaks to something different than if he has been this way all along and the advise and support would not be he same for both scenarios.

There is an american saying that goes, what you see is what you get. I am trying to understand if you got what you saw or if he has changed for the worse.

 
Old 01-04-2006, 07:51 AM   #8
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Re: Help please

Hi, Esther It sounds to me as if you are somewhat overwhelmed with all the changes that have occurred in your life lately. Being a new mom certainly is a BIG one. The thing is, most men are not mind readers and need to know our needs. You seem to need some relief in terms of keeping up with the house, childcare, and daily chores. You say that you work within the home and it is reasonable to request your husband's support and assistance in balancing the family responsibilities.

He demonstrates his willingness to do so by asking what you would like for him to do to help out. That is good. You need to lighten your load and allow him to share in it without feeling guilty. By taking on so much, you have become unhappy.....not with your husband but with your life in general. You have the ability to fix this by taking care of your needs and being good to yourself, and not expecting your husband to do so. "To thine own self be true."

Start out by only doing what you can do without exhausting yourself. A new mom needs her rest and to provide herself with some "ME" time. There is nothing wrong with asking your husband to take care of the baby in regards to feeding and care if necessary. Same goes for dishes and household chores. Tell him that you feel tired and drained and need some support and help......men are happy to help if asked, the problem with us women is that too many times we feel guilty in asking and instead build up resentment and frustration until it comes out in the form of complaint when if we only asked in the first place, most husbands who love us are willing to help out in anyway that they can. The thing is....they need some guidance....sure it would be GREAT if they could think of these things all on their own but that seldom happens. But they are willing & able to help the woman that they love.

I hope you understand that alot of what you are facing can be easily fixed. It doesn't involve changing your husband but a change within yourself......we can only change ourselves and you are capable of changing your unhappiness into happiness with the right approach. Start tonight by sharing with your husband how you need some time for yourself & how he can help you get that by minding the baby so you can shower, or washing the dishes so that you can go out to the bookstore for an hour. You need to not complain (which men will retreat from) but lovingly ask your husband to do some things that will allow you some time to yourself so that you do not feel so overwhelmed. A man loves to be his wife's hero who can come to her rescue . If only more of us realized this!! Took me almost 18 years to figure that one out myself!!!

Hope this helps......I know that things can change by your accepting the fact that there are things with courage that you can change and things that you realize with wisdom just can't be changed but need to be accepted. The key is realizing the difference!!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-04-2006 at 07:55 AM.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 07:09 AM   #9
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Re: Help please

First of all, many thanks to “goody2shus” I liked so much what you saying, and I am going to try. It seam this is much better advice then I got from very expensive Marriage canceller! I want to do everything for my child to have a family, but it is so hard because I like him less and less every day. But I do remember times when it was good and maybe we can return to that.
To explain my situation better here, Yes, he did change, and I did not see a lot of things before we got married because I did not know him good enough. His proposal was total shock to me, I didn’t want second marriage se early after divorce, I was more after nice and fun relationship. But he was very persistent and circumstances were into that way too. So he shlep me to the another continent (where he use to live for 10 years before) with promise if I don’t like it “there” we can come back. Now, when I want to go back, we can’t because of all kind of “circumstances” again. Also at the time I meet him he was on 1 year break from work because he just finished very long and hard project. So I could not really see how he really is. His mother and sister did a lot of work for him too ..(including shopping for him even his gifts for me, organizing cleaners etc.) so everything around him was always nice and tidy. And I just could not tell. Now things are different and I am missing something he never has. His sister want to help a lot, always talk to me, offer to talk to him in my favour etc. But she cannot make him what he is not, and I am sorry I did not realize some things before I got myself into this.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 07:36 AM   #10
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Re: Help please

Esther ~ I am glad that some of the things I shared help. It seems that you got married quickly before you really knew your husband. You have a new baby, are in another country that is most likely away from your family & friends and this has to be hard on you. Remember that a man leaves his mother and a woman leaves her home and they are a new family. Try to remember this and work on doing things that will make you happy in your marriage. Perhaps it is time for you to go out and find something that interests you where you can meet other people which will not only allow you some time to yourself but also an opportunity to meet other people.

What country do you live in??? Is there a university that may have a continuing education course in something that may interest you??? Try getting out to "mommy & me" programs with your daughter and meet other mothers. Once you feel as if you have some balalnce in your life you will see that how your view your marriage & your husband may change. Sometmes when we are miserable we can't help but see everything else as being that way too.

Like I said yesterday....talk to your husband and share with him how you feel and how his lending you a hand so that you can have some more time to yourself may help. Also....do the two of you get out a little bit on your own to do some fun things together??? If not, perhaps it's time to do so.

From what you have shared, you have undergone some big changes in your life over the past 5 years. They say that marriage, moving and becoming a parent are the most stressful things that one faces in life. You have done all three so I feel alot of how you are feeling has alot to do with that.

Do not give up hope. Do what you can do to make your life less stressful. When you are stressed, everything seems worse than it really is. Relieve some of the stress and then reevaluate. I am sure that things will look a little bit better once you do and by making the little changes within yourself you may see some bigger changes occur within your marriage. They did for me.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-05-2006 at 07:50 AM.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 03:49 PM   #11
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Re: Help please

Hi Ester! I'm only assuming your husband "shlepped" you from your country to his because he was in love with you, or at least considered you a good partner for marriage. It's probably too much to assume, but he might be from the US and you from Israel? Well, doesn't really matter. The thing is, some men, no matter what their background or religion, tend to ge a lot more "relaxed" once they get the woman to marry them. Now, that's a paradox. Most women I know want to get married, but at the same time, we don't want to be taken completely for granted once that happens. But men seem to have a different agenda. I don't think my father brought my mom flowers when I was born, either. A lot of men take things WAY too much for granted once they get the girl. They are willing to try hard to get you, but once they feel comfortable, they tend to relax. Now, it all depends how much 'relaxing' we're talking about. Is he helping with the baby now? Does he act in a compassionate and understanding way? Flowers and material gifts, however nice, are not the same as someone who offers their genuine help and cares for you. Do you think he's just not 'romantic' in a conventional way, but still tries to show his appreciation and help in other ways? Or do you think he's just plain selfish? THere's a difference.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 07:03 AM   #12
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Re: Help please

Many thanks “goody2shus" for advices, I am trying….your advices are great, and on that level (small favours etc.) it works but the question is what to do with bigger issues?
Just to explain myself better here. I live in Australia and originally both, my husband and I, are from Israel, but he move here long before me because of work. We meet when he come back home (Israel) for his 1year long break. In the beginning he claim he want to stay and live there for good, but then he change his mind wanting go back to Australia, with promise to me if I do not like it here we can go back any time. Now we can’t he got “good” reasons. Not then I do not like it here, it is lovely, but I do miss my family, country, everything. I did made a lot of friends here, and I am happy with my job (I am designing/making hats and hair decorations) and the best thing is and I am absolutely “over the moon” with my baby-daughter. The only problem is our relationship really. For instance, how to deal with this problem:
He want me to work only when he is working (which is only business hours), no weekend, and that is not good for me because my clients usually have time exactly after hours and weekends. So I cannot expand my business to the level I want to. From other side he want to manage our finance himself, and with some things I do not agree, but what can I say, he earn the most…..(even thou I did bring fair bit money into this marriage, and still do)
Does he have right to limit me in what I want to do in the name of our “together life and family?”
He is person who is not prepared to do any sacrificing but in the same time looking for same from me, even thou he would not admit, and say, he is not forcing me. He is above average smart and it is just very difficult to deal with him. I do need loving and supporting partner, can he learn how to be like that? And how to teach him? But most of all, do you believe he want to???

 
Old 01-06-2006, 01:19 PM   #13
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Re: Help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ester32
For instance, how to deal with this problem:
He want me to work only when he is working (which is only business hours), no weekend, and that is not good for me because my clients usually have time exactly after hours and weekends. So I cannot expand my business to the level I want to. From other side he want to manage our finance himself, and with some things I do not agree, but what can I say, he earn the most…..(even thou I did bring fair bit money into this marriage, and still do)
Does he have right to limit me in what I want to do in the name of our “together life and family?”
Ester ~ there is something we call compromise and in this situation I think it is the way to go. Okay.....your husband wants you to work the usual business hours so that you have family life together, however, with the type of business you run in order to have the best success in your business you need hours after work and/or weekends. How many hours are you talking about??? If you think this is everyday for 3 hours and the weekend how about 2 or 3 days a week and every other weekend??? You must meet halfway so that each one of you is willing to make some type of sacrifice. I think if you sit down with your husband and present it in this manner he will be more open to a compromise in order to make each of you happy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ester32
He is person who is not prepared to do any sacrificing but in the same time looking for same from me, even thou he would not admit, and say, he is not forcing me. He is above average smart and it is just very difficult to deal with him. I do need loving and supporting partner, can he learn how to be like that? And how to teach him? But most of all, do you believe he want to???
I think that if you were to say to your husband in a gentle way that you have made the sacrifice of leaving your country to be with him so that he can succeed at his business and that you need to see him demonstrate the same type of support for you in your business interests, that he may be able to see things differently. If he sees that your business is what makes you happy and that you are still available to meet the families needs I cannot see him having a problem with supporting you in something that fulfills you. A man who truly loves you will be able to do so.

Tell him that you love him and are proud of how successful he is at his business and want him to be able to be just as proud & supportive of you. Tell him that this is important to your growth as a person and will benefit your daughter and the entire family when you are doing something that you feel happy doing. If he understands it that way then perhaps he will be able to be as supportive & loving as you need him to be. Sometimes in certain cultures it is difficult for a man to see the wife doing something other than tending to the family and it's needs....could this be the case??? If it is then you may have more work cut out than we originally thought. But I think that so long as you can show your husband that you can work and balance your family along with it, that he should be supportive of you and your needs.

The important thing in marriage or in any relationship is being able to compromise. If one or the other are not able to do so, then we are in a relationship in which one is controlling and that is not a healthy way to live.

I really hope that you & your husband can work this all out. Talk to him and allow him the opportunity to work with you on formulating a plan that will make each of you happy. Good luck.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-06-2006 at 01:26 PM.

 
Old 01-09-2006, 04:16 AM   #14
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Re: Help please

Thanks Goody!
I can see you mean well, and I appreciate it. But all I can think at the moment is: "Why I got this life from God and what to do whit it... "

 
Old 01-09-2006, 06:26 PM   #15
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Re: Help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ester32
Thanks Goody!
I can see you mean well, and I appreciate it. But all I can think at the moment is: "Why I got this life from God and what to do whit it... "
You were given this life to be a good mother and show your new daughter how strong you are and be a good example of how to feel good about yourself and find happiness in life by being good to yourself always. Taking care of yourself and giving your best in life in everything you do is essential to loving your daughter.

Sometimes us moms forget that it's important to take care of our needs too so that we can be at our best for our children/spouse. Your self worth is the most important part of yourself....always remember to keep it full so that in feeling good about yourself you can feel good about almost everything else in your life. Look within yourself and you will surely find what it is that you need the most to do this.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
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