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How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

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Old 01-03-2006, 08:43 AM   #1
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raaaaaaaaaar HB User
Unhappy How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

To cut a long story short-I was dumped just over a month ago by the love of my life. We were together nearly 4 years and talked of marriage and children one day (I am only 21 and still at college). When he broke up with me he said loads of wonderful things about me and how I deserve better than him etc etc etc and said he still loved me but needed to be single to concentrate on his music and business and "find himself"
He promised me that he wasn't with anyone and planned to stay that way and I believed him.

Basically, me still with an ounce of hope for us to get back together, he sent me a text message last night. The gist of it was: I have to tell you i've met someone else, sorry but she is really special to me.
I spoke to my friend (who goes out with my ex's flatmate) and she said he met her while they were at the pub last week and doesn't think it's serious. I mean-how can you tell if someone is special when only knowing them for a week??!!

Anyway, that's not the point. Before this, I was doing my best to keep away from him, not contact him and try to forget him while I still had my self respect! So why why why does he have to send me this message? I don't know if he's doing it just to be cruel to me and hurt me even more or because he wants to make me jealous or what! Any ideas on why he would do this? He's messed me around so much and is hurting me even more now I can't get the image of him with someone else out of my head.

The pain sometimes becomes so unbearable I don't know what to do to make it better

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Old 01-03-2006, 09:05 AM   #2
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steakie46 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Well , i don't really know how much help i can be b/c my boyfriend (who I see as the love of my life) just broke up with me a little over two weeks ago. If I were you i know I would be upset and angry too as it is only natural. We were together over 3 years and also talked of marriage and children and just of a wonderful life together. His reasoning was also simliar in that he said he needed time and space to figure things out and figure out if we wanted to be together, well I know I want to be with him, so it's pretty much just him. He also said there was no one else and did not plan on there being anyone else for a while. I am exactly how you were, still having the hope he will realize his mistake and come back to me. (I am only 20 and in college, too)

I think that at this point he may THINK she's something special, but as you said it's too early to tell, so i would say that even though he may be trying to convince himself she is something special, what it boils down to is infatuation. Infatuation is not love. Looks like it, feels like it, but it isn't love. Love is when you look at someone and say "I know all their faults and even if they never change a thing - I love them enough to stay." A person who's infatuated isn't qualified to make that statement. Not that it stops them or stops them from believing it. It's just good for you to know. Ifeel that sometimes your SO finding a new "love" can be what puts your relationship back together because eventually infatuation turns into disillusionment and they wonder what they saw in the new one in the first place. If at the same time they see you're not chasing them they can far more easily find themselves thinking "Why the new one isn't as good as the other one, am I being an idiot here or what?"

Finally, i don't really know why he would send you this message, the only thing i can think of is that he still cares about you and didn't want you to find out from someone else, because I think that would hurt more to think that he was "sneaking around" or did not have the B@!!$ to tell you himself. I would not rue out the conclusion that he is trying to make you jealous, b/c maybe he is cause he wants you back but doesn't know how to go about it (not to give you any false hope, just writing what I'm thinking.).

Oh, and one last thing you say you cannot get the image of him with someone else out of your head, so, stop thinking about things that hurt, I knwo its hard, but try not to think about him with someone else. Just think about things you love and how great you are!

Old 01-03-2006, 09:36 AM   #3
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galinaqt HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Wait a little it will pass, everybody experienced similiar thing, you still young and meet somebody else. May be it is a good thing that this person doesn't become your husband, he doesn't sound like a good person.

Old 01-03-2006, 09:38 AM   #4
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Hiya HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Hello raaaaar -
So sorry you're hurting like this. I know it's hard to see when you're right in the middle of it, but love isn't always what it seems. All the excuses he gave you, "need ot be alone/need to work on my music/can't be with anyone right now" blah blah blah, these are just things men say to "cusion the blow" if you will, because it sounds nicer than "hey, I'm just not that into you." I had a break up that nearly killed me 8 years ago, and thanks to a lot of introspection and hard work, time, and thanks to the good people here on these boards, I'm just now seeing that as sad as it may seem now, love isn't like it is in the fairy tales. Men tell you all kinds of pretty things when they're in the "moment," like they love you, they're so glad they met you, you're their soulmate, etc. and maybe they mean it at they time, maybe they don't but what we must remember is that these are what Mary Poppins would call pie crust promises - easily made, easily broken. I really don't think this is an atempt to make you jealous. Perhaps he just didn't want you to find out from someone else. The important thing for you to do now is accept that he's made his decision, and it's time for you to move on. If you still have strong feelings for him, discontinue contact with him. Tell him you're glad he's found someone he can be happy with, but you need to heal now and move on, so you'd appreciate it if he wouldn't contact you for a while. Then busy yourself with getting on with your life.

I used to have a very skewed view of love. I was involved with a man I was convinced was my "soulmate" and thought I loved him and he loved me and we were destined to be together, all that stuff and I felt I couldn't live without this guy. But it really helps if we look at romance, sex and dating the way men do. It's something we did for a while, but there's something else for us down the road. Our friends, the important people in our lives are not the men we date, they're the people who are staples in our lives, our best girlfriends who are there for us through thick and thin, our families who love us unconditionally. The guys we date are just the guys we date for awhile.

Old 01-03-2006, 09:44 AM   #5
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chevyman HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

sounds like cold feet to me.
but in all reality you maybe better off.... tha this is are will be happening now than later and end up in a bitter divorce fighting over your children.

It could be a blessing is disquise could prove what love really is to the both of you..if he loves you he will come back to you...also it could be for him to see how much you guys really and trully love your man.
sometimes beauty don't always win and our eyes are bigger than our hearts, to me its whats inside that counts mostly....I say just keep your chin up and see what happens...give it at least 6 months.
stop dewelling....get involve doing somthing..and if he comes back snatch him up and don't ever let him outta your sight ever agian.
Good Luck with your realtionships.

Old 01-03-2006, 09:54 AM   #6
Join Date: Dec 2005
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raaaaaaaaaar HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Hi steakie-thanks for your advice.

I am trying to get the images of him out of my head so much-lots and lots of distractions are needed! It was weird, earlier I was just sitting and seemingly staring into space. I then found myself looking at a picture of my gorgeous beautiful 3 year old godson on the mantelpiece and it made me smile and think of how much he absolutely adores me and always says to me "I love you darlin" (a funny word for a 3 year old I know!) Anyway after about 10 minutes I realised that the awful pain from my stomach had gone and I had been thinking about something that made me so happy! It was an amazing distraction!

I totally agree with what you said about him thinking this girl is pretty special right now but as you probably know it is so so so so hard to think rationally at this time with everything racing through my mind! When I told my Mum about the text message he sent, she said: that's absolutely ridiculous, you can't know that only a week after meeting someone. And that he's on the rebound etc.
I think he feels the excitement of meeting someone new as our relationship was feeling a 4 year itch and I spent more and more time with him in order to try and save us.
I KNOW I made him happy for the most part of our relationship and truly believe he adored me. However, he is going through a strange period at the moment and I know he can only figure things out on his own for himself.

Old 01-03-2006, 10:26 AM   #7
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Nina000 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

I am veryy sorry that you have to go through this unnecessary pain...What a petty thing of him to do and say! I only hope that you haven't replied to his text message. Let him suffer and don't show him your reactions. Let the guilt of saying it eat him up, if he's got any senses at all.

Let me tell you that there's absolutely nothing to gain by hurting someone, except to a worthless jerk who is a waste of time. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I can't help being angry too.

I also think that he's still interested in you, and maybe EXACTLY because you haven't contacted him for a while, he tried to elicit contact from you, but it's so mean of him to do it in that way!!!!!

He met her in a pub??? (with all due respect) and she became special in a week?????????? What a solid relationship!!!!! Listen, don't let this crap worry you.

Try to keep busy and go of luck

Old 01-04-2006, 05:55 AM   #8
Join Date: Dec 2005
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raaaaaaaaaar HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Hi Nina

No I didn't reply! And you're right-it is unnecessary pain. I kind of feel like he is doing this to say to me "hey I can move on and you can't-ha!" It's really destroying because he also said that he couldn't pass up the opportunity of being with this girl as she's so special. I mean-why did he have to say that?

He makes it sound like she's the most amazing person he's ever met and I can't match up to her. Its awful But you can't know that after less than 2 weeks can you? I just don't know-I am going mental over this!!

Old 01-04-2006, 07:33 AM   #9
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Nina000 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Raaar!!!! Don't let him destroy your self-esteem. If anything, he is the one whois lacking a lot and can't behave like a man.
No I don't think it's like trying to say to you "hey, I can move on". If he really could, he wouldn't be texting you. He just wants you to be angry. He wants you to be hurt and maybe rush back to him and initiate contact.
I know that it's hard for you now but I am sure that you will one day find a man who is really *special*, not a few-hour-pub-acquaintance special!!!! Ugh!!!!
Just think to yourseld that he's such a loser who is not worthy of you...and trust me people like her might dump him sooner than he can imagine.

Last edited by Nina000; 01-04-2006 at 07:46 AM.

Old 01-04-2006, 07:39 AM   #10
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galinaqt HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Man doesn't take things as serious as woman (often), for him say one day that he loves you and want to marry you and change his mind later is fine. You are still young and meet another person.

Old 01-04-2006, 07:31 PM   #11
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MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Originally Posted by Hiya
love isn't like it is in the fairy tales. Men tell you all kinds of pretty things when they're in the "moment," like they love you, they're so glad they met you, you're their soulmate, etc.

Well if women wouldn't have broken our hearts after we said those words and they think we're wimpy just because we say them and seemed "attached" when we're not, then they go after "bad exciting guys" who treat them like a garbages, maybe these type of "fairy tales" would still have exist. Matter of fact today is that you see women willing to sell their bodies and allow themselves to be called names, to allow the women as a whole to be degraded (porno anyone?), doesn't make guys feel too good. We're talking about millions of women right? if they could do that, surely any women would do it too. It makes men feel even more insercure and thus, treat women bad just simple because women allow themselves to, just like women in porn do. Not to mention that "true love" is rarer because of change in economy today, back then, before 1970's, women were expected to be "housewives", love wasn't as complicated back then. Since then, women have grew bigger and powerfully in term of economy in a good way, socially, to allow themselves to be treated equally as men. Now it's very hard for both men and women to know what they want in life. They both want to have a wild, sexually active life and be independent but yet at the same time, they do desire to be married and be with one person for the rest of their life. I believe women have a huge role in how we men perceive love and so on. I have much more to say but I am kinda getting off the topic here, sorry about that.

To Gaar, forget about that guy, he doesn't know what he want in life. He doesn't deserve you, I'm sure any guy would be lucky to have you.

Old 01-04-2006, 10:31 PM   #12
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Unicorn430 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

Decided to Delete My Post

Last edited by Unicorn430; 02-28-2006 at 11:59 PM. Reason: Decided to Delete My Post

Old 01-05-2006, 06:44 AM   #13
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phoenixgal77 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

My man did the same thing to me after five years! He left me and then pretended to be single for four months but I think he left for the other woman. Nobody leaves 6 days before christmas unless there is someone else. I thought mine was trying to make me jealous until he moved back to texas from arizona with this girlfriend and now it has been a year. I lied and sent him a message telling him my daughter and I won the arizona lottery it made me feel sooo much better. I mean think of how he must have felt to be with me for five years, leave me and a year later I won the lottery. I also wanted to say that just to see what he would do to see if this "newly won money" would make him come back...this is the e-mail he sent me....

Got your two messages. I am happy for you and Kendra. Go have fun with it and travel like you always wanted. I hope it brings you the happiness that you have been yearning for. I am beginning to find the happiness I have been searching for, and it is not money (surprisingly). Have fun and be careful. Give Kendra my best.


it hurt me to read this "I am beginning to find the happiness I have been searching for?" So he wasn't happy when he was with me? Men I tell you! I feel for you something like I did it sure makes you feel better. That was my closure now he can kiss off!

Old 01-10-2006, 11:43 AM   #14
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lady346 HB User
Re: How can someone who told me they loved me hurt me so much?

I won't go into too much because I have a very extensive thread ("Can you just fall out of love like this?") and my story is in there. But, I ask myself (and I asked my ex when he broke up with me) the same exact question as your title.
Im 23, my ex was 22, and he always seemed very mature, and Im pretty mature and directed. But just recently I found out he isn't and he is in fact a very selfish person. VERY selfish. Our relationship was never equal- I sacrificed A LOT for his religious beliefs, compromised, went long-distance for a year while I made my life transition and he finished college, gave 120% all the time- I was so totally in love with him. He was amazing to me too, we were so intense and stable, blah blah blah, we hardly ever fought, had great communication, I just knew he was The One and we talked about marriage within the next 2 years and kids...the whole deal.
Anyway, I was blindsighted. He got into dental school and all of a sudden, when tests piled up, he just 'couldn't see me' anymore. He sort of snapped and became this studying machine. But, deep-down, it just seemed more like he didnt' WANT to see me, or, more precisely, both couldn't AND didn't want to. He never showed any huge signs or making any effort, instead it was sort of my problem- this is the situation, I can't do anything about it, so deal with it. That was his response to it all.
Now, we were together about half the time that you and yours were, but to me he felt like my 'other half', so it just felt longer than 2 years, and we were so serious. I did a lot of partying and dating in college, so when I got into grad school, moved and started my whole new career life in a big city, I just felt ready to settle down, and with HIM. I guess, for my ex, this year during HIS transition he felt ready to just start anew and do whatever he wanted to make it easier on him...who knows. I could analyze it to death. I basically just narrow it down to his selfishness, immaturity, cowardness and confusion.
What is funny is that my ex used similar lines that yours used. The whole "I need space", "I need to find myself", "I dont know who I am anymore", "I need to be alone for awhile", etc etc etc. I swear he got them from a textbook or something. The whole time crying hysterically and then saying, 'it doesn't have to be all or nothing'. I was so confused. Then, the next day, ignoring my phone calls pleading for him to talk to me. It was all such a joke, looking back. He didn't care about me if he could do this to me- it was all about how to make himself feel better about HIMSELF. He wasn't doing so hot in school, and he wasn't doing so hot in our relationship, so to ignore his crushed ego he ignored me. I think it is true that men (or boys, haha) realize they just don't want to give up their 'personal space', decide they'd rather be selfish and do what they want b/c its easier than being mature and committed, and then they want the easy way out when they break up with us. I.e., letting us down easy with those silly words because they probably still do care about us or love us in some regard. But they're too selfish to know how to fit us in to their life at this point in time. I don't quite get it, but I'm a very giving, altruistic person. And I think my boyfriend took me for granted. Throughout our whole relationship, and I just realized it too late.
Sorry if I am talking about myself too much, I am still trying to heal and am also trying to give you a situation to parallel yours with. All in all, I don't know how someone can do what our exs did to us, after being so sturdy and stable and loving for so long. Its such a slap in the face. I was completely blindsighted and at times I truly feel that I have lost all faith in people- how can you trust people again if they turn on you like this, esp. after being so intimate and vulnerable with each other? My ex is like a stranger to me now.
I think the text your ex sent you is a reflection of his insecurity/selfishness. He assumes you are still upset about him and aren't over him yet. Im sure he still cares about you and again, doesn't want to hurt you if you found out elsewhere beacuse then HE"D feel bad about his own character (not necessarily about your feelings bc then he wouldn't have hurt you in the first place). I think it scares him to think that you are out meeting other guys, or out NOT thinking about him at the very least, and maybe he wants to see if he still has the upper-hand and is in control of your emotions. I started seeing someone recently (just for fun) and i would NEVER EVER even think of telling my ex about that because I'd rather him sit and wonder what I'm doing and miss me. Plus, I'm not hurtful and spiteful like him- I'm better than that.
Anyway, I dont know. I could be way off. This whole experience has really made me bitter, but I know it will make me stronger in the long-run. Ive learned what a wonderful girlfriend and person I really was/am, and I'm sure you are the same type- would have given your right arm for your guy, etc. Stuck by him til the end. It sucks that this is the treatment we get in return, but try to remember that its a reflection of THEIR character, and they will be the ones having troubled relationships if this is how they deal with things.

Last edited by lady346; 01-10-2006 at 11:54 AM.

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