Okay , hi all , heres my story. I have been seeing my 22 yr old bf , for 3-4 months, I'm 26, and I met him about a year ago. I was over at his place sometime before christmas and we had spent about 12 hours just hanging out like we usually do, watching movies, talking about life and our holiday plans.
It was a beautiful, and joyful as always. But then a little before I was about to leave, he panicked and 'couldn't find his card' . He always loses something , has a hard time keeping track.
Anyways, he called somebody to ask to borrow money, then he called his ex girlfriend and asked her if he could borrow money from her , and then he says "you know I love you" , to her, right in front of me.
This sort of put up a red flag for me. His tone of voice was completely different with her than it is with me. At first I thought she was his aunt, with the way he was talking. He talks really differently with me.
Well anyways, that aside. I didn't feel threatened at first but I have been thinking about this for days and days now. And I feel bad because then he called me later and asked to borrow some money. And I said 'no, I don't have it' why don't you ask your ex. I feel sorry for telling him to do that . I don't know why I did. I dont' know what to think about all of this.
What do you think ?? I don't know whether he loves me or her. He makes me so happy in my life , I don't want to lose him.
P.S. I also feel bad about asking him to lie to someone else. Shouldn't he tell her about me? Why wouldn't he tell her about me? He told me a little about her. Also he always says 'ex' gf with other people instead of just saying oh that was my friend. I am so confused.
Dreambee.....well-done saying no to him. He sounds like a manipulative person.
To start with, he rang two girls asking them for money!!!!! This speaks volumes about how dependent, irresponsible he is to say the least. Does he have a job? What did he want the money for?
Second, to say to his ex "I love you" in front of you, just shows that this person has got not respect for you, and for himself.
Let him know what is acceptable and what is not, if he doesn't naturally feel it. I amso sorry but I don't think that he loves either of you, he loves HIMSELF. If he loves you, he wouldn't make you question it.
Nina000. He just finished college and is looking for work right now. I am wondering if I should be more helpful , but I didn't feel comfortable with it. Also, I want him to genuinely, sincerely like me. And I'm afraid to loan a new boyfriend money .
You are absolutely right...You will help him more if you force him to rely on himself rather than thinking of you as a source of money.
Bee, men don't appreciate it and he will only take you for granted then: If you give him once, he will ask you twice and forever. Trust me, it's nothing to do with loving you more or less. Teach him from the start to separate between your love and money.
Bee, no one was more giving than I was. It never pays off.
Have you had a discussion with him as to the terms of your relationship? Are you exclusive? I know that it is never an easy time to discuss "where is this going", but maybe you should find out what his intentions are before he puts you in the position to be his loan manager.
Obviously, he still has ties to his ex - otherwise he would not feel comfortable enough to call her up for money. My ex and I are on good terms, but he is the last person I would ever call for money. For him to tell her that he loves her in front of you is almost outright saying that she is number one in his book. Does she even know about you? If you are being kept a secret and he is still declaring feelings for her, then maybe he has no longterm plans for your relationship? If he is invested in you, the people close to him would know about your relationship and he would respect your feelings over hers...
I saw your post. Sweety your relationship sounds a lot like mine. I had a dear GF, who was also 26 I had been seeing her for 6 months she was doing some of the same things that you have described. I would come to see her and do just like you described just hanging out like usual, watching movies, talking about life and our life plans and like you it was beautiful, and joyful as always. Scare enough she to like you BF would use a different tone of voice completely different with other people than with me. At first I didnít pay much addiction to her about the tone of voice, but as time would go by she talks really differently with me and then I would find my self wondering?
I fill you are justified, in telling him No. If I had been in your BF shoes I would have ask one of my family members or would have gone to my love of my life for help. Not and Ex. That brings up big red flag to me that he called and ex when you are standing right there and could have help him then. As for telling her he loves her? BIG FLAG there.
If it not to personal Dreambee, how dose you BF treat you when you go out? Has he treated you weird lately? I ask because I have been in something like this and found that my true love was seeing ex boyfriends and spending time with them with out telling me and then she told me goodbye with out any real reasons. It broke my heart to peaces because just like you She made me so happy in my life , and I don't want to lose her but she didnít really love me and that hurt the most.
Dreambee, set down and talk to him face to face about all of this. Let him know that you are concerned about his behavior. Then after that trust your self and your instincts and you will know what to do.
If he loves you as much as you love him then he will be honest and up front with you about the relationship and his EX. I do think that this something to bring up ASAP so that you can put you mind to rest.
Take care of your self and like I said trust you heart and soul and you will know what to do when the time is right.
My heart and prayer go out to you go luck. Please keep us posted on future events.
His tone of voice was completely different with her than it is with me. At first I thought she was his aunt, with the way he was talking. He talks really differently with me.
You said you thought he was speaking with his aunt. Which leads me to believe he speaks more tenderly with you. Is that correct? If so, then I feel you have nothing to worry about. People say things like that to each other sometimes. I don't believe he should've been saying that to her, especially in front of you, but it doesn't sound like he's trying to be sneaky.
Btw...what did you mean when you said you asked him to lie to someone? Not sure I understood the rest of your post.
Wow, what is even the issue here? Telling his ex that he loves her, right in front of you? Whether or not he meant it is irrelevant. I would have been showin' myself right to the door.
I know you said he is just out of college and all that jazz, but dating a guy who has to call up other women, included ex's, for money is something I stopped doing when I was 18. You are 26 and should be already grounded in life, what do you want with someone who is barely even a man yet who hasn't got his feet on the ground? 22 year old guys were too young for me to date even when *I* was 22. I just don't know. If you think he is good for you, then by all means. I just know that any of that crap would not fly with ME.
On some level I do have to agree with Gypsum. I wouldn't even be a question for me on how I would react if a boyfriend of 4 months called up his ex in front of me and during some point in the conversation told her he loved her. Maybe I'm young, but that kind of behavior is pretty disrespectful unless for some reason (that YOU should know about) he's still a very close friend to her (ie: they were best friends who tried dating and it didn't work out - which would STILL be kinda fishy to me but at least more understandable).
Even with all things considered, just not cool. Anywhere an ex is invovled the words "I love you" should be saved for the current gf in a situation like this. Just my opinion, but I'd never tell one of my ex boyfriends I loved him, especially in front of my boyfriend. How rude...
You said you thought he was speaking with his aunt. Which leads me to believe he speaks more tenderly with you. Is that correct? Btw...what did you mean when you said you asked him to lie to someone? Not sure I understood the rest of your post.
Hi, thank you for making that piont. He seems to let his gaurd down around me, but sometimes I have a hard time trusting people and don't know what to believe. I've been hurt and lied to before in past relationships. He is usually a very, actually, extremely assertive person, exept with his siblings,and some of his friends and I am a usually a pretty laid back, no worries-type. I really like him alot even though he is only 22.
I guess that is why we get along so well, for him being 22 and me 26, I am a lot more laid back, and playful, and he is sometimes serious and always focusing on something. So it kind of balances out in that way, I think.
About the lying I told him to tell her, she heard his TV, because she wouldn't lend him anything because she heard me in the background.
It was the wrong thing to say. I can't believe I said that, but then later on I realized what I did.
It was as -Drowning- pointed out, why is he keeping me a secret from her? Is he trying to still keep options with her open, or have her available to borrow money?
But what it is that I am worried about is,what if he still is trying to stay involved with her. Friends are one thing but then they shouldn't mind if he has a gf and she is talking in the background on the phone, shouldn't they?
Sorry that was so long! Thank you each for your posts , they have given me alot of insight
Oh yes, we sort of had a talk about it before. And he called me his gf. But we hav'nt said "I love you" to eachother until that day He called me after this whole borrowing moment , kind of typsy, and says. "I want you to understand, l love you as a friend" . And I gasped and said "don't say 'I love you' unless you mean it" and I told him I had to go. Then I was wonder why he said as a friend. Then 5 hours later he called again said on my voicemail and I love you, I love you, I love you 5 times in a row very endearingly. And now I am confused.
I am majorly confused!!! I have a big problem with him telling his ex-girlfriend that he loves her. And I say this from personal experience.
When Mark (my now-husband) and I first started dating, he had been broke up with his ex for about 6 months. He was still very much in love with her. Long story short, she left him and moved five states away. One day out of nowhere, he stood me up on a date. For the next week, he never even called me to apologize or let me know what happened. Naturally, I knew it was over and just waited.
A week goes by, and I couldn't take it anymore. I called him up and asked what happened. He told me that his ex called him up to see how he was doing and he realized that he still loved her and wasn't ready to date someone else. We decided to stay friends and two weeks later, we were back together.
A couple of months go by and she calls him up again. I wasn't there and this time, he told me about it and didn't break up with me. He said that she was coming back to California and wanted to get some of her stuff from him. I came right out and asked him what his feelings about his ex were, becasue I was not going to sit around by his side until she came and got her stuff, if he was going to break up with me again.
He told me that he loved her still but that he now loved me too. He even asked me if I wanted to go with him to drop off her stuff. I asked him if he would want to go with me if it were vice versa and he said "No, becasue I may kiss or hug my ex". I just gave him a look and he understood what I meant. Time went by and his ex never contacted him. We had been living together for several months, when his ex called his mom to contact Mark. Mark lied to me about the call he received from his mom. I could hear the change in his voice when he was talking to his mom, and I knew it had to do with HER. I asked him what his mom wanted and he told me "nothing". That was the first time he was quiet about something. It confirmed what I thought.
Guys always think women are stupid and have no idea what is going on. I gave Mark a really hard time about lying to me. Needless to say, he never gave her her stuff back. He gave it to his mom - to do what she wanted with it. He came to the conclusion that their relationship hadn't worked out and if she really wanted her stuff, she would have taken it with her.
I admit, I am a jealous person. I try not to be but it just doesn't work. I don't know how you stood by and allowed him to say he loved her. That would be a huge red flag to me, and I think you need to talk to him about it and about his feelings for his ex. If they are that good of friends, then perhaps, you will never feel comfortable with your relationship. To be on good terms is great, but to call each other up and declare that you love them is just wrong to me, whether it was right in front of you or behind your back. Imagine what is said when you are not in the room/house. Be leery, he is still harvesting some strong feelings for her, because the I LOVE You's should have stopped when they stopped seeing each other.
Come on the answer is as plain as the nose on your face. men mature at a rate of about 5 years slower than their actual age so his maturity level is 17 right now...and it shows! If he said that to her right in front of you that is more than a red flag I say get rid of this loser!