I'm currently with this girl (Sharon) - living with her for the past 6+ months. She has had relationships before, but nothing serious at all. She also lost her virginity with me.
Problem: She fights with me way too much.
I had a girlfriend before who fought a lot- and that was about once a week. But this girlfriend of mine (Sharon), we have arguments almost everyday. Every happy occasion is ruined by her anger problem: birthdays, outings with friends, celebrations, etc.
I'm a very just person and if the mistake is mine, I accept it. However, she fails to ever accept her mistakes- and even if she knows its her "fault", she keeps finding excuses to prolong a fight rather than resolve it. I've sat down and tried to talk her out of being immature and causing fights- I even sat down with a friend and had a talk with her after one of her anger-attacks. But it seems she has a mental block and doesn't want to listen to anything other than what she thinks is right. In short, she is in denial of her anger problems and I have a feeling that it keeps getting worst day by day. I want a girlfriend to support me in hard-times and be that somebody I can talk to when I have a problem with the rest of the world; dont want a girlfriend that is the cause of my problems!
Now I'm afraid she has made it (her anger/fighting) a habit. I love her very much and we do get along the rest of the time pretty well- its just that those 3 hours out of every 24 are hell for me. A friend has suggested that she is like this because I'm her first. Her family is also aware of her explosive anger problems. I really want this relationship to work!
Do I give up? Is there anything I can do? Please Help!
Do I give up? Is there anything I can do? Please Help!
You don't have to give up but you HAVE to get out. She has to change big time but you cannot change her. Get out and give her a reason to wake up or not. As long as you keep this up as it is, it wil keep up just as it is. You deserve way more than this horrible situation. I am afraid you are training yourself to beleive this is how love looks - IT ISNT!
If you were with someone that loved and respected you, you would look back on these behaviors and wonder how did you ever mistake this for love.
I say, get out and give her an ultimatum and don't believe she has changed until much time has passed.
If she is like that now what will be if you are married for a while and you have to deal with much bigger issues than now. I'd certainly get out of that relationship. I have a cousin who is very talented but she can't keep any man as much as she wants to get married and have a family because of her short temper.
I want a girlfriend to support me in hard-times and be that somebody I can talk to when I have a problem with the rest of the world; dont want a girlfriend that is the cause of my problems!
I think this statement gives you the answer to your question.
You aren't going to get that with this girl, from the looks of things.
I don't know really know what you can do for her, but let me tell you, your gf reminds me a lot of my sister. She's very similar - ruins every special occasion with a fight, would rather find excuses rather than dealing with the issue at hand and ALWAYS makes things everyone else's fault.
I've been able to find NO ways of dealing with it. I've tried, and I'd say I tried pretty hard. I've tried to get her to talk to me, let her know she could express any feelings with me, but it seems the only thing that will make her happy is for everyone else to get upset like her and share her misery.
Your gf has some issues, and I wouldn't go thinking they have anything to do with you (as far as being her first relationship and all); I'd venture to say they go a bit deeper.
I really don't think you can do anything. SHE has to do it. Until she is ready to acknowledge things and willing to deal with whatever she needs to deal with, nothing is going to change her.
At most, I would tell you that you should leave her, and make your reasoning clear. Let her know you are not going to succumb to her misery loves company motto, that you intend to have a happy life, and when she decides she wants the same, maybe she should call you then.
Then, maybe as Music said, it will wake her up and kick her into action.
I am sad to say that I too was like your girlfriend. It was almost scary to read your post because I saw myself in it. I was also a virgin until I got with my boyfriend (now husband), and have only acted this way with him.
From personal experience, there can be any number of things that is bothering your girlfriend. For me, it was several things. I was always really mellow in school, very sweet and the type of person who allowed others to walk all over me. I got with Mark when I was 18. He was actually my first boyfriend, but I had grown up in a home where my mom was a constant nagger and very jealous of her boyfriends/my dad. I guess I picked up some of her ways and started acting them out on Mark.
I also started taking birth control and I had way too much estrogen in my system. This caused me to be VERY MEAN and sometimes violent. (My family saw it, as my 14 year old brother saw me hit him once when he refused to let go of my arm.) On top of it, Mark had a wondering eye for other women and it made me very unsure of our relationship. A lot of our problems was due to my insecurity and his lack of respect of being devoted to me. We fought non stop for the first few years over various things. Finally I gave him an ultimatum. Either he stop looking around or I was leaving. He started controlling it but I was still never happy with him. I too have ruined so many of our trips becasue I caught him glancing at other women.
Things didn't seem to get any better until I switched my birth control pills. Then I was able to see that I was acting just like my mom and I started to feel bad for Mark, as I did for my mom's ex's. I am a whole lot better now with controlling my anger. Now if I catch him glancing at some other girl, I just go out and find a guy to flirt with. After all, whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
I know that your girlfriend doesn't see anything as her fault, neither did I. The truth is, she probably see's it as you provoking her and causing her to be the way she is. Can I ask, what was her upbringing like? Also is she on birth control pills? If so, I would probably start there as a possible reason. If she has too much estrogen in her system, it can be making her more irritable/angry/aggressive. It is just like giving a man too much testosterone, he is likely to become more aggressive.
Sit down and talk to her about why she feels upset all the time. Have her read my post if she is willing. I was JUST LIKE HER, so I know what it is like to be her. Please don't take her behavior personally, talk to her and see what comes out of it. If she still refuses to do anything about how she is acting, then I think you should seriously take a look at how much this relationship means to you becasue you may have to move on. She may not seek help until she is given a push. Good luck.
I suppose you just bring out the passionate side of her, that could be a good or bad thing, unfortunately it is not helping in this situation. Try to communicate more, and make sure you're the one she is angry with, this may not be the case. Just get to the heart of the matter and it should be resolved rather quickly.