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Old 01-03-2006, 07:01 PM   #1
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Ken-Y HB User
Waiting for her response

Well I had written before about the girl I use to date and how about I talked about getting back together with her and regretted(sp) breaking up with her. She was leaving to visit her friend in london and didnt know how long she would be gone. She basically told me that she wanted things to work out but shes leaving and doesnt want to waste my time trying a long distance thing for a month or 2 or however long. I understand where she was coming from but I wrote back telling her that I thought she was worth it to wait and try it again. I told her we could still talk and write to each other and it wasnt like she was leaving for good. She basically said to me again in the message back to just give her a few minutes while she collects her thoughts and that she would write me back. I assumed it would be that same night because she said a few minutes but that wasnt the case and neevr wrote back.

I understand she might need time but it just doesnt look good because I think that if she wanted to do this again she would have already told me by now. She called me for the first time after about 2 days of not talking to her and we talked like everything was cool and fine.We use to talk everyday tho and once again i havent heard from her in a while. Her phone was shut off because she didnt pay her bill which makes it hard for her to call obviously but she never had a problem before because whenever she was with friends she would go out of her way and use their phones to call me. Not the case now as I really dont hear from her much now. I figure its 2 things:

1) Shes still kinda mad at me for breaking up with her. It was kind of unexpected and when we talk sometimes she will still bring it up which hurts me because i have told her i regret doing it.

2) She has prob lost interest in me and just doesnt feel the need to talk to me even tho she will call me still sometimes. Maybe she is just trying to give me a hint that she doesnt want this without telling me directly and stalling until she has to leave or something

Im not really sure exactly whats going to happen. Ultimately I think she is going to say no but she hasnt told me that yet and when we have seen each other after the break up she has flirted with me on occasion to the point where others think we are still going out which leaves me in wonder because she still shows some interest. I feel also that maybe she doesnt call me as much anymore because shes unsure of me now or is just trying to think things through and doesnt want to have alot of contact with me while she does but i think maybe its just some type of reassurance for me so that I dont believe she doesnt want to get back with me. I dont really know guys, she shows interest, calls and flirts sometimes when i see her then goes a while without even calling or anything. Im not sure what to think and I dont want to keep bringing this subject up. what should i do and what do you perceive shes thinking? please help

Last edited by Ken-Y; 01-03-2006 at 07:03 PM.

 
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Old 01-03-2006, 09:14 PM   #2
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eve40 HB User
Re: Waiting for her response

Hi Ken,
Is this the same young lady you were writing about before or a different one? Perhaps it's time to start fresh and find a new love.

 
Old 01-03-2006, 09:20 PM   #3
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Waiting for her response

Yeah, I agree with Eve--if this is the same girl you have posted about several times in the past, it definitely sounds like she is causing you far more stress, confusion, uncertainty, and unhappiness than a healthy relationship that has only existed for a short time should generate. Maybe you could provide a little more background on your relationship with this particular girl in order for us to give you more specific and applicable advice?

 
Old 01-03-2006, 10:04 PM   #4
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Ken-Y HB User
Re: Waiting for her response

Yes in this case it is the same girl. I agree he has caused me alot of stress but I think I am blinded by all that by the fact that I care about her so much. I tried to find someone else but i feel the break up was to recent and I just cant seem to settle for anyone else. I think because I have known and liked her for so long about 2 years ive known her, that its just kinda hard to move on. I still am waiting for her to write me back when she gets a chance but in the mean time I am having a stressful time thinking about her and how this is all going to workout.

 
Old 01-04-2006, 12:09 AM   #5
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Re: Waiting for her response

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken-Y
I'm not really sure exactly whats going to happen. Ultimately I think she is going to say no but she hasnt told me that yet and when we have seen each other after the break up she has flirted with me on occasion to the point where others think we are still going out which leaves me in wonder because she still shows some interest. I feel also that maybe she doesnt call me as much anymore because shes unsure of me now or is just trying to think things through and doesnt want to have alot of contact with me while she does but i think maybe its just some type of reassurance for me so that I dont believe she doesnt want to get back with me. I dont really know guys, she shows interest, calls and flirts sometimes when i see her then goes a while without even calling or anything. Im not sure what to think and I dont want to keep bringing this subject up. what should i do and what do you perceive shes thinking? please help
Hi Ken,

I went back and read your old threads and posts about this girl, and I hope you don’t mind if I be completely honest and candid about my take on your situation…often times that means that I am more blunt than I should be considering what sensitive issues people discuss on these boards, but I will try my best to be tactful and just want to apologize in advance in case anything I say comes out as more harsh than I intended. I’m going to try and err on the side of honesty if it comes down to a choice between honesty and placating you. Anyway, the most obvious thing that jumped out at me is that every one of your previous posts about this relationship is almost identical, and I really don’t think that a new relationship should be so full of stress, drama, uncertainty, and pathos. You both sound pretty young and especially with young couples, the first few months of being together should be like a honeymoon, where everything seems wonderful and perfect and none of the everyday problems and annoyances that eventually plague every relationship have crept into either of your conscious perceptions yet.

But that is not at all what has taken place with this relationship, which makes me think that this has been pretty much a one-sided relationship from the very start. She just doesn’t, and never really has, seem that interested or committed to building and nurturing a relationship with you, and unfortunately, there is little that you can do to make things work out unless both partners are putting in a sincere and wholehearted effort. If one person just isn’t that into being together, the other partner can’t really do anything to change their mind about that or to make them feel more strongly than they feel on their own…I’ve had several close male friends who tried over and over to become more than friends and to develop dating relationships, but in most of these cases, I wasn’t interested in being anything more than platonic friends with the guys, and therefore no relationship ever really developed, no matter how hard they tried to make things work and create a romantic bond between us. It just doesn’t work unless both people are equally determined to form and sustain a committed romantic relationship and unless both people feel genuinely attracted to the other person as a sexual and romantic partner…if either of these conditions aren’t present, there is little that can be done to force a relationship to arise out of such a situation no matter how much one partner might want to do so.

I think that your situation, unfortunately Ken, is a pretty clear cut case of one half of a would-be romantic partnership not being genuinely interested in and committed to building a relationship. I’m sorry to be so blunt here, but if this girl really wanted to be your girlfriend and be part of a relationship with you, she would be making a lot more heartfelt and consistent, and a lot less half-hearted and listless, effort to develop and then sustain such a partnership. You have been extraordinarily patient, understanding, and creative in your attempts to change her mind and build a relationship with her despite her not fully cooperating and working in tandem with you toward a common goal, but there is only so much you can do if she’s not into it, and I think you have exhausted your options at this point. You have a tremendous amount of love and care to offer a girlfriend, and you deserve a great girl who you feel passion for who reciprocates your affection and interest…for whatever reason, the girl that you are currently focused on is not going to be that girl, because she doesn’t feel as strongly or as romantically toward you as you feel toward her.

Some of your posts in which you acknowledged that you were not getting nearly the same amount of effort and devotion from her compared to what you were putting into your efforts to develop a relationship and that therefore for the sake of your emotional well-being, you needed to move on and find a girlfriend who wants to be with you every bit as much as you want to be with her. It is only causing you to feel negative emotions about yourself, this girl, and likely also about women and dating in general, for you to continue to attempt to pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t reciprocating your efforts. This girl has made it pretty consistently clear that she’s just not that into being with you, and while I’m really sorry that is the case because you obviously care about her a great deal, it’s ultimately not doing you any good and could in fact be unnecessarily prolonging your unhappiness, angst, and stress not to give up on her and move on without looking back or giving her any more chances the way you have following your previous decisions to let her go. This time you really need to stick to that resolution firmly and probably cut off all communication with her at least for the time being to give yourself a chance to emotionally detach from her and begin the process of healing following a failed relationship, which is always challenging and difficult but can become especially tough when we hold out hope of reconciling and/or remain in contact with the ex we are trying to move past and therefore make it a lot more difficult to let go and get on with our lives without exes playing any part in our futures.

Anyway, I apologize for taking so long to make what essentially boils down to a quite simple argument, but I hope that this post makes sense and is at least somewhat helpful to you. I’m sorry that I don’t have a more upbeat perspective to offer you, but I just don’t see anyway for you to continue a relationship or even a friendship with this girl and not have it negatively affect you and continue to cause entirely too much unhappiness and confusion in your life. I know it is really tough to let go permanently of someone we care so much for, especially when that person is our first serious boyfriend or girlfriend, but sometimes such difficult decisions are necessary in order to protect our own emotional best interests and to ensure that we are free and emotionally available when a suitable partner finally does show up in our lives. Please don’t ever second guess yourself or feel like this girl not wanting a relationship was your fault or because of anything you did wrong—it’s pretty clear that she’s struggling with way too many of her own issues to devote the kind of energy and attention to a new relationship as one deserves and needs in order to thrive. So you need to resolve that you deserve better and that you refuse to settle for a woman who doesn’t reciprocate your depth of feelings for her and your level of commitment to building a serious, long-term relationship with her. You deserve nothing less than a woman who loves you and wants you just as much as you want her, and I hope that in the future you will hold out for that kind of woman and not cause yourself unnecessary angst or pain by getting involved with anyone who doesn’t meet that standard. Please take care and good luck, and remember that the way you are feeling is completely natural and understandable, that your pain will lessen in time, and that you will eventually find the kind of love that makes all previous experiences seem dwarfed in comparison…for now, just hang in there, try to be strong and refrain from contacting this girl, and try to get through one day at a time, without hesitating to lean on your friends here whenever you need support or advice. For now though, you need to accept that this isn’t going to work out, that it needs to be over for the sake of your emotional well-being, and that you deserve better…and I have a feeling it won’t be too long before you find someone who loves you as much as you love her. Good luck Ken!

 
Old 01-04-2006, 12:12 AM   #6
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Waiting for her response

Hi Ken,

I thought I would cut and paste some of your comments together so you understand which quotes made me form the opinion I formed about whether or not this girl is worth pursuing any further. You deserve a lot better, Ken, and I hope you find someone who reciprocates your interest and affection very soon...it usually happens just when you stop looking and when you least expect it. Anyway, here are the quotes of yours that I found most enlightening:

She calls me sometimes and she flirts with me and everything but I can tell that she doesn't like me like that because usually you know when a girl likes you and she just doesnt seem to show it.

She doesnt seem interested anymore but continues to flirt. Almost like she likes playing these games but I try not to let them get to me.

She just talks to me about her problems with ex boyfriends and situations she is going through. She has told me that they dont have their stuff together and they some dont have jobs while others keep getting locked up. Which leads me to believe she just considers me a friend and maybe she just needs someone to talk to about these issues.

When she tells me about her previous boyfriends it hurts me because one night she just said "wheres my prince charming?" which kind of hit me really hard because here I thought she was interested and this probably seals the deal in that she isnt interested.

She seems to lead me on I guess… She said something like that and at that point I knew i was to good to be true and she prob didnt like me.

The girl that I was talking to at work I have decided has become a waste of my time because I feel she has been leading me on. She told me that she liked me but when I ask her out she doesn't jump at the fact I asked her out or doesn't really seem interested.

As much as I hate to say it, I agree that maybe she is just using me for emotional support

I dont get that vibe that she likes me though and I dont know why. I always see it as her just seeing me as a good friend but I think because I like her so much that I get blinded by her calling me all the time and think that she is interested. Its hard because I want to get over her because I dont think she wants to be with me like that.

After I told her about how I felt she basically gave me the "lets just be friends" speech without actually saying lets just be friends and gave me an excuse.

Then when we started talking about tattoos and she said she has 3 but only 1 had meaning. I asked which one and she said " oh well you'll never see it because its on my hip"

It has always been a struggle to meet women and this was my first relationship and I thought it would be a good one but I was dumb enough to think she could change. Now I feel like I can never trust or find a good girl again. Thanks for all the previous advice you all have given me but obviously now I have to cut her off because I refuse to be someone's second man while she goes and screws this guy who just got out of jail and is getting nowhere in life.

She seemed mad about me asking her about getting back together and then she just acts cool and talks to me like nothing happened. We talked for about an hour and I mentioned that I just would really like some straight answer about this. Before we hung up I had told her that and she said that she would think about it.

I want to give her time but this girl has had some issues in the past and I want to trust her and everything but I feel she doesn’t want to tell me an answer because she wants to mess around with this guy before we get back together.

She told me though when I didn’t even ask her she said "and there is no one else if that’s what your thinking". I would really like to believe her and wish it were true but my gut is telling me she wants to get with this guy at least once more before we get together again.
I told her I wanted to try things out again and she told me she would think about it. She wrote me the other day and told me she doesn’t think it would work out.

The past 2 nights I would leave the phone next to my bed like I use to and wait to hear from her, but she never called.

I know I need to move on I guess but it just feels so lonely now.

but I wrote back telling her that I thought she was worth it to wait and try it again. I told her we could still talk and write to each other and it wasn’t like she was leaving for good. She basically said to me again in the message back to just give her a few minutes while she collects her thoughts and that she would write me back. I assumed it would be that same night because she said a few minutes but that wasn’t the case and never wrote back.

Im not sure what to think and I dont want to keep bringing this subject up. what should i do and what do you perceive shes thinking? please help

 
Old 01-04-2006, 08:41 AM   #7
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Ken-Y HB User
Re: Waiting for her response

thanks for the advice and responses. I really appreciate it. I think I realize that as hard as its going to be I am just going to have to stop talking to her at least for a while and move on. It will be ok because she is leaving for london soon for a month or 2. Its just so hard because I cared about her so much and she was the only girl who ever gave me any kind of attention like she did. I hope I can meet someone better but in the mean time I feel so lonely right now and its hard because I see alot of my friends in successful and good relationships and I feel I could never have that. I guess only time can heal but thanks for the advice guys

 
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