Ok I've got a bone to pick with women. I here time after time that women don't seem to care about what a guy looks like, it's what's inside that counts and apparently all women are meant to be like this.
Well while venturing onto the online world of dating a lot of the time I can see women write: I want a guy who is tall, dark and handsome and sometimes they will go as fas as saying that they want the guy to have a six pack and be waxed.
I have often heard girls chit chat about the kind of guy they want and it will often sound like the above, maybe not as extreme.
Now I'm not saying all this because I've been called ugly, some women find me attractive and some don't.
But the other night some friends and I were at a party and I have a friend who has never had a gf, he is very shy and is depressed because he wants a girl to like him.
There was this friendly looking girl in the corner with her friends and me my friends said she looks like the kind of girl he can approach comfortably, so when she got up to get a drink he approached her, he looked cool and calm and I was proud of him, he said hello I'm Chirs then she says I don't date ugly men, he froze, I tell you now I never have had the urge to hit a woman (not that I would) but I got close how dare she say that to him. He dropped his head and came back to me and I could tell he was holding back his emotions.
I went over to her and told her she was a worthless peace of crap and I will pray that she never gets any love.
He's been really bad ever since, he said he does not feel like a man he feels as if he will never love and he said he might as well go to a hooker to loose his virginity.
He said he is just giving up on women and I just donít know how to help him.
I've had issues with women, but this takes the cake I feel so sorry for him.
Many women, like many men, are very shallow. You can be sure that ANYONE who would say that, to a total stranger, is one of those people. But, there are many men and women who are not shallow. While we are all affected by a persons looks first, there are many who can, and do, become enchanted with the person within. Zen philosophy believes that the people we love become more beautiful, to our eyes, as we love them. It stands to reason, then, that the people we learn to dislike, become ugly to our eyes. I believe you saw a little of that, yourself, the other night.
Maybe seeing deeper comes with age, maybe it comes with maturity or maybe it comes with aquaintence. But, I do believe it comes, so your friend will find someone, when he meets an emotionally mature one.
Another truth is that difficult life circuminstances can help create strong, capable people who are able to handle the problems life throws at them. If your friend develops this strength, it will come through and eventally add to his attractiveness.
Now, let me ask you a question. Is attractiveness, in a woman, important to you, or are you willing to look beyond the surface to what's inside? When you dream, of the perfect mate, is she pretty or plain? Have you ever imaged MS perfection as ugly? My point is, we are drawn to what we see, but we fall in love with who we are.
Oh my gosh, that's the meanest thing I've heard in a long time! How could that girl be so cruel? Obviously she has major issues and problems that make it so that the only pleasure she experiences comes from feeling less hurt than the people around her, so she feels compelled to be vicious and hateful toward anyone she senses may be a easy target. My heart goes out to your poor friend...I just don't understand why some people feel the need to be so mean to others just when they are feeling most depressed and are most vulnerable to being deeply wounded by even a careless and thoughtless, to say nothing of a blatantly malicious and cruel, comment. It's almost like some people have a special sensor for sensitive people around them who are feeling down and would be most likely to be profoundly hurt by an insult targeting whatever is that person's biggest insecurity. Anyway, the whole incident is just terribly mean and sad, and I feel just horribly for your poor friend who did nothing at all to warrant being insulted and humiliated in front of a bunch of bystanders.
I do hope you encourage him to stay away from prostitutes though, as I doubt it would help his self-esteem, overall outlook, or ability to connect with real women, not to mention his health and physical safety, if he was to pay for sex. I feel bad for people who are virgins not by choice, but prostitution is not the answer...I guess it's hard for women to understand not being able to have sex on demand, but when I think it over, it must be really tough for men who aren't particularly charismatic, physically attractive, confident, or charming to find girls who such guys consider sexually appealing who are willing to sleep with them. There is a lot of competition amongst guys for the most attractive women, many of whom are unfortunately raised to believe that refraining from any kind of physical contact with men makes them moral and virtuous people. Not too many women out there genuinely love sex and of those that do, an even smaller percentage don't feel guilty about indulging in sex whenever, wherever, and with whomever they feel a strong urge. I have an extremely difficult time understanding how anyone could believe that something so wonderful and pleasurable makes people who engage in it immoral or bad people, yet puzzlingly and nonsensically enough in my view, a lot of Americans, particularly American women, are raised to view abstaining from sex as some sort of moral triumph and a demonstration of admirable restraint and virtue.
So therefore, the more I think about it, the more challenging it seems for all but a few very fortunate guys who for whatever reason are considered unusually desirable by many women. That said, eventually almost everyone seems to find someone who is a well-suited partner for them, and in the end, it seems to me that it's the not-so-extraordinarily-attractive people who end up settled down in the most content and stable relationships. I really think that everything will work out well for your friend in the end, as more people (especially guys) are late bloomers in terms of dating, relationships, and sex than we realize, yet all but the most unlucky and socially awkward and isolated people eventually catch up with their peers and get to experience the love and sex that eluded them for what must have seemed like forever while it wasn't happening. I really hope that your friend ends up happy and finds lasting love and that karma comes back and haunts that girl who was so cruel for no reason whatsoever so that she understands what it feels like to have someone be terribly mean to you out of the blue in front of a group of people that she's already feeling self-conscious and awkward around. For now, I would suggest just trying to be there for your friend, building up his self-esteem if you can think of any ways to do so, and to distract him from what happened at the party until the memory fades and he becomes less acutely humiliated and crushed by what that girl blurted out. Hopefully it won't be long before he doesn't feel all that hurt by her comment anymore and will soon find a sweet and loving girl who will show him the care and kindness, along with the physical expression of love, that he's been missing so far in his life.
I too can totally agree with the answers above....i'm quite new here but come back for the solid advice people give.
I've had a lot of knockbacks, huge ones and ya know, i'm not bad looking at all.
One example of the similar ways to how your friend was treated went like this, just the other day. I was on my way to the Post Office..a young lady of self confident and known to herself attractive nature was leaving the building...glammed up 20 something type with short skirt...she opened the door and kept her hand on the door to keep it open as i approached...i said 'thank you'....and was greeted with 'let me ******IN get out of the door first' !
Quite why is beyond me...as the interaction to your friend was.
Some women have a voracious appetite for a pain they wish to inflict on men. They may have recently been brushed aside, lost a lover, have worries at work or home or whatever...101 reasons for being a snotty cow as self empowerment, but they will put that grief onto the very people who 'should' find her attractive, because they feel better for doing so.
Such people become telemarketers lol, joking.
But the way to deal with it is exactly that..it's her problem, her insecurity being vocalised, dont fret it.
Dude, of course women care about looks, just as we do. Nobody can deny that the looks of a person form the basis of how attracted we are towards them upon first meeting, because that's what first impressions are all about. It's unhideable. But that's not to say that someone should give up on finding a partner just because one person made a hurtful remark!
Your mate's experience was flat out rubbish. I hope the girl in question immediately regretted how insensitive she had been and accepted any bad karma that came her way! There's no need to put someone down like that. She could easily have said "Thanks, but I'm not single". Regardless, your mate has to dust himself down and learn from this experience.
I would hate to learn that your friend felt so pressurised to lose his virginity that he turned to prostitution. I'm not saying everyone should be madly in love with their first sexual partner, but they should at least know them! There is no rush for your friend to have sex and, in my opinion, he ought to be working towards developing a relationship that reflects that.
If he is putting pressure on himself to find a girl who will sleep with him at the drop of a hat, he will never achieve it. He'd be far better off trying to meet girls with a view to getting to know them as a friend. And then when he has made a few friends, one of the friendships might naturally progress onto the next stage, by which time looks will be a side-issue.
Being a woman, I can say "Yes looks do matter - to a point". Just as with men, there has to be "something" attractive about a person to draw someone else in. But it can be something as small as their eyes, smile, hair or laugh. Personally, I believe that everyone has at least one good feature, some people, you just have to look a little closer to see it. I don't think that anyone is ugly!!! We all have our own unique look and that in itself is special. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't date someone that I'm not attracted to. But then again, I wouldn't date someone totally gorgeous that I wasn't attracted to either. Women please don't take this wrong - but I would never date Brad Pitt. Yes he is handsome, but he's not my type.
Unfortunately, we all get rejected. I have always been told that I am very pretty, although I am a little overweight and have low self esteeme at times. I have had my share of rude comments as well. One guy said I was too fat (not to my face but through a friend), another one said he liked me alot but that I wasn't the right race.
Personally, I have always been attracted to men of different nationality (I'm white). I don't have a set preference on looks, I have liked very skinny men, and hefty men. I don't usually like men with shaved heads, but think Vin Diesal is very attractive with his. I also don't like facial hair, but think that some men look very sexy with it. I'm 25, and usually like older men, but I have dated younger men than myself. My point is, we all have a preference of what we like. But if we are so shallow as to only date that preference, then it's not saying much for us as a person.
So here's the lowdown. I met Mark when I was 18. He approached me and I told him no. I'll admit it, he wasn't my type. He was white and I thought he was really arrogant. Basically I wasn't attracted to him and just couldn't see us together. He was 4 years older than me, and we didn't have much in common. But I got to know him and almost seven years later, we're married. At times, it is still a challenge becasue physically, I'm still not really attracted to him. But I love everything about him as a person. We also still have nothing in common (movies, music, morals, etc). But I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. He's my soul mate.
Truth is, there is someone very special out there for everyone. You just have to look to find them. Your friend will not be single forever...though it may seem like it right now. My 17 year old brother is going through the same thing...his friends can all get girlfriends but no one seems to like him. I tell him to be patient because when he does become involved with someone, it will be so much more meaningful than his friends' constant relationships. Tell your friend not to hit the club scene, as a lot of shallow men and women can be found there. There are a lot of better places to meet someone. Also tell him to be friendly, polite and confident (hard sometimes, I know), but women are drawn to it. Tell him to watch women closely, but not stalker closely. A lot of women will eye a guy, and he might just not be picking up on it. Or maybe his standards are too high, like my brother's (he picks really popular girls). There can be a number of reasons why it seems no one is interested in your friend, but chances are, someone's looked his way. Tell him good luck and no prostitutes! A lot of women look down on that even after they enter a relationship with a guy.
May I also add that looks become MUCH less important the older and more mature one becomes. I would be willing to bet that the "sweet young thing w/the mean streak" is in her late teens or twenties.
I married a WONderful guy at 35 who makes me laugh, shares my values, ethics & morals, is honest, affectionate & faithful.
He could have looked like Attilla the Hun for all I cared - and that's how the right woman will see the man that she loves.
(Mr. Ruth actually looks like a grown up nerd/geek I think, but who cares?! I sure don't!)
Thanks guys, yeah we are all in our early 20's and so was the girl.
My friend Chris did not want to score with the girl at all, he was just hoping for a great chat and maybe a dance out of it. He just wants a gf someone who will like him for him, he is an interesting really fun guy when you get to know him.
Though he is desperate for sex, heck I have not had sex in ages and it's killing me, I would hate to know what he is going through, I've warned him against hookers but he just shrugs and says 'I dunno anymore, maybe it's meant to be'
I swear if I ever see that girl again I will go off at her, the poor guy was just getting his confidence up and she goes and shoots him down, utter ***** I am fuming.
I myself don't really care about what a woman looks like, well I do need to feel some sort of physical attraction. But I've been attracted to women who were 'large' and girls that other guys would find unattractive, I don't know why exactly but maybe it's because I've always found something physically unique about them.
I've never liked the 'Blonde model' stereotype that apparently all guys are meant to like, sure they are attractive but to me they don't have real beauty. If they took away the fake died hair, tan and makeup they would look very plain indeed.
Men may prioritize looks more than women do, but women still do care about looks. But what's also true is that people generally focus less on looks as they get older. They start to realize that there are more important qualities in a person than their looks. But on some level, looks will always matter to both sexes. I'm 5'8" and I'm sure that even in my 40s, some women will still find that unattractive. As much as I would love to be taller, the best I can do is just make sure to look the best I can. So I eat right, exercise, and take good care of myself and if that's good enough for some women I meet, too bad.
Sure we do, but let your friend stick up for himself in the future. You were way out of line with the comment you made to her. I don't mean to say that she wasn't wrong, because she was extremely insensitive and rude to your friend, but if I were you I'd spend more time consoling your friend, than being hostile toward her. Yes, people are shallow its hard to get around that since everyone is attracted to different characteristics but hopefully, sooner or later, they will mature and be more concerned with personailty as well.
Has your friend considered posting an ad on a personals website, including his picture? If he did, and it wasn't an unappealing ad (no mention of wanting sex, no indication of low self esteem, no going on about how he only wants an attractive slim woman, no spelling errors), he would get plenty of responses from women who find him attractive. I guarantee it!
As for looks, I would have to say that looks don't really matter to me. I don't care if he is losing his hair or is somewhat overweight, etc. I care whether he's a nice person, has some intelligence, and simply whether I can possibly see a future with him. There are SOME limits-- I am sorry to say I can't imagine dating someone who was VERY overweight, and I really really prefer clean-shaven to facial hair, but other than that, I think I'm very open-minded, and so are many women.
It is a NUMBERS game, and your friend just needs to talk to enough females to find one (which is why I'm suggesting personal ads.)
Oh yeah, and remind him if he did visit a prostitute, he would regret it as soon as he did fall in love, someday.
I cannot believe my ears(eyes)! You mean to tell me that "BEE-aaah" told your friend he was ugly! Ya know the old saying "what goes around, comes around"...we can only hope for her about 10 fold on that one! Ha! How stupid and immature! Are you sure she wasn't 12?! Really, that sounds like something a group of early teen girls would do to the geeky kid in Jr. Highschool! I wouldn't stoop to her level and call her names to her face but I certainly would tell everyone you know what she did and let that make her feel like a total JA! Most of her peers are going to be appalled by this action!
Of course women do care about looks. Some are very shallow and can only be seen with the jock looking guy and if you aren't a jock, don't waste your time with that kind of woman. What one woman finds unattractive, another woman will find addictive. My BF isn't what I'd consider gorgeous but he's very very cute but his ex GF that was with him for 13 years told him when she broke it off with him that she didn't find him attractive...WHATEVER! I guess he was too old looking for her taste...she is 43 and he's 50...her new BF is 42. How about that for a low blow...spend 13 years with someone only to find out you aren't their type. That's what she told him "you're not my type".
Always remember that their's someone for everyone...if you aren't looking like Tom Cruise, there's a chick out there that isn't looking like Nicole Kidman either! Someone that's average looking shouldn't set their sights on someone that's gorgeous, that's unrealistic. That rarely happens except when there's lots of money involved
Hmm...I guess I am one of the rare ones. I love short men!!! I am 5'2" and like a guy I can put my arms around. To me, 6'0" is just too tall. Though if I truly liked someone and wasn't married , it wouldn't matter much. My husband is 5"9".
I also like "large" men ("Smashmouth's" Steve Harwell, Uncle Cracker, "King of Queens" Kevin James, I even found John Candy attractive...nice eyes and smile). Come to think about it, all of those guys are white, and for me usually liking darker men, I guess it really doesn't matter to me.
I agree with Moroboro. I can find something attractive in everyone! And I don't care what other people think about my choice. Your friend is lucky to have you as a friend. I can tell that that woman's comment really hurt you, as I know it did your friend. Like so many other posts have said, there's hope for everyone!
Unfortunately, we do. I feel head over heels in love with my husband the first time I saw him 49 years ago when he was home on leave. That night I listened to every story of his aircraft carrier with enthusiasm even though I was just looking at his eyes and hoping he would ask to take me home and could not wait to get into the car with him. As we get older we mature and look for other things in men but just as you a men look for great looking women, we women look for great looking men. Unfortunately this does not go away with growing older. They say that when you walk into a store or a room that within 5 seconds you can tell if someone finds you satisfactory to their taste and will smile at you. I have found this true. I find this sad but true. To a nice looking face and happy person that they find attractive they will smile at you. Take a 350 pound woman or an ugly person (by their standards only) and they will not see them. When I first heard of this I did my own test and passed great. Then I sat back and watched other people walk in and was amazed. Oh, how this has changed me in dealing with that person that is ignored. I go out of my way to greet them and make them feel good about themselves. This continues in life. Sad but true. So in essence what you are saying hold true in many ways.
I have one of our sons that balded at 23 because of a skin acne that was treated and he lost his hair. He has paid the price as your friend has. He is a marvelous person but accepts himself and has such a big position in life. I am so proud of him. Maybe someday he will find a wonderful woman but it is his life and either way I just want him to be happy. He, too, has been hurt a couple times. People are indeed funny. Sometime the best are missed and they take the great looking losers. I LUCKED OUT. OH HOW I LUCKED OUT.
for just about all men and women physical attraction is important initially...but if the person is ugly on the inside (like the one your friend met) it won't matter what they look like. ya it does hurt but your friend should realize what a piece of garbage that woman is... I would not want to be with someone who is that self centered and mean.
Like DAnne73, I too like skinny guys (Wentworth Miller from "Prison Break"). Being overweight, I had a huge crush on a guy who I easily outweighted by 100 pounds. He was pencil skinny, but he had the kindest eyes I had ever seen.
I think people are drawn to others for all sorts of reasons and not all have to be based on appearance. And yes, I have noticed that "larger" women and men seem to become invisible when they enter a room. Although, I have to say it doesn't seem to happen to me that often. I'm told that i'm very attractive...despite my size and I am always being eyed (drives my hubby crazy). I guess because I am proportionate (big boobs and butt)? But I always feel like they are staring at me and it gives me a complex. I wish I was invisible, then I wouldn't feel paranoid. There's always that fear that people are thinking nasty things about your size.
Well I cant speak for all women and hope they wouldnt speak for me..but honestly I go for personality first over looks..If youre hot but have a horrible attitude-leave me alone..
Perfect example-my current boyfriend isnt all that great looking but personality wise,he is the BEST BF I have been with and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else..Granted he isnt the best looking I have been with but I wouldnt trade him in for someone hotter..
The idle mind is the Devil's workshop.