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Old 01-04-2006, 08:30 PM   #1
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bisha HB User
Hey there!

HI- I have never started a thread on here but have daily or weekly read the threads that have been posted and been very impressed with the encouragment and words of wisdom that you have so I thought I will take a try at it with my current situation!
I am 26 yrs old and getting married to my 40 yr old finace in this year actually in about 3 months. First of all I can tell you that from the begining of our relationship which has been since July of 05 not that long ago there has been a lot of things to get through- he was recently divorced and has three children he has been out of the house for a year and the marraige ended due to infidelity on his part actually an afair that went on for i think a year or so, anyhow to go back to the beginning I was a friend of the familys the family that he had before me I used to be very close to the family moved away and then moved back ran into my fiancee and things happend from there- the children are very very upset that he and I are together let alone getting married- I know they are still upset at the very reason the family broke up due to the infidelity that is a whole other issue for them- one is 18 and the other two are still in school due to some religous issues the mother is not letting the children associate with me but will let them asscoiate with my financee of course to the the fact that he is there father- here is my deal the kids only knew me years and years ago and now they are getting thrown in the situation of the fact that we are getting married they are very angry and I cannot help the situation since I cannot have anything to do with them until we are married I KNOW its a strange situation - I am very scared that I am not going to know how to handle the situation due to a new marraige three children off the bat and everyone thinking that my fiancee are doomed from the start the word around town due to his past and the bad decisions he has made. I love him with my whole heart and am so ready to spend my life with him its just very hard to prepare yourself when you have no idea how to start preparing- The children also think that we are "gross" due to the age difference and that when they knew my before I was around 12 or 13 yrs old- I can inagine how hard this is for them but at the same time I need to know how to help then deal with this - the wedding is getting closer and the more nervous I am getting about what its gonna be like-any thoughts or comments or advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you all in advance!

 
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Old 01-04-2006, 09:05 PM   #2
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Hey there!

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do to make these kids come around to liking you (at least any time in the near future). It is an unfortunate position for you, since you have not actually done anything wrong. The only thing I can think of is to just be friendly and kind to the kids whenever you should come into contact with them, but don't try to be forceful. No matter what, they will always view you as the enemy, most likely. You were a friend to them, and now you are hooking up with their dad. There is no way to toss any sunshine or rainbows into that plot.

One question I have is - What exactly do you find attractive about a man who cheats on his wife when he has three children at home? And now he is pulling the middle-aged man cliche of leaving his long-time (and probably long-suffering) wife for a younger, hotter model. That just seems a little skeevy. Not to mention - if he has cheated before, the chances are pretty good he will do it again. I hope things can work out for you somehow...

 
Old 01-04-2006, 09:25 PM   #3
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bisha HB User
Re: Hey there!

Thank you for the reponse- as I was writing that post I did assume that some reponses would be to the infidelity on his part- As for that I really dont know how to reposond - I think that I have just accepted that that was before me and not really sure what I can do about it the fact is I have fallen in love with him and never felt like this before- Does it worry me and have I thought about it yes in fact it makes me sick to my stomach I guess its a risk that I am taking. Should I end it due to the fact that he committted adultry on his wife though? or take that risk based on how I feel? I dont know the answer to that???? He has been very open to me about the affair with questions that I have asked, though that does not mean much..... ....

 
Old 01-04-2006, 09:50 PM   #4
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Re: Hey there!

Well, the thing that seems troublesome is that he obviously had little regard for the feelings or emotions of his then-wife and children to be running around with someone else for almost a year. If he is capable of doing that, then there is no saying he won't be running around on you someday. Just because he is being open about it isn't necessarily positive. What kind of things does he say in regards to the affair? Is he sorry, does he fully realize the damage he caused to his whole family? Or does he try to paint himself as somehow justified?

I really don't mean to be so negative, or try to scare you! It just seems like this man is very selfish. First the affair, which undoubtedly crushed his family, and then dating someone so much younger and who had been close to the family, having to realize how jarring that might be to his children.

I mean, no one can tell you what to do, or how you should feel. I can only give my thoughts. I am just saying that if I knew a man with children had had an affair, it would make me not respect him at all. It would be hard enough for me to dredge up a somewhat-pleasant greeting should we pass on the street, let alone get engaged to someone who had done that. I'm only saying, because I have cheated on a lot of boyfriends, as well as my current fiance. We aren't the most selfless sort, to say the least. When you are dating someone, you cannot just look at how they treat you. You have to take into account how they treat the people around them, as well as how they have treated those in their past that you know about.

 
Old 01-04-2006, 09:55 PM   #5
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phoenixgal77 HB User
Re: Hey there!

Just some advice and I don't mean to be rude, but it is my opinion that your relationship is never going to work. First of all he was unfaithful to his wife...he has a child that is only 8 years younger than you...there are a lot of problems I see just from hearing this story. I think you need to end the relationship before he hurts you because that is exactly what is going to happen. A forty year old only has one reason to marry a 26 year old come on lady. WAKE UP before it is too late...plus his kids are never going to accept you either why would you put yourself in this situation there are many other fish in the sea. GET OUT of this relationship!!

 
Old 01-04-2006, 10:12 PM   #6
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bisha HB User
Re: Hey there!

Thanks you both have brought out really really important issues- Gypsarcher can i ask if you are currently engaged what made you cheat and does that mean the your fiancee shuld not be with you??? Just curious?? I hope that i got that right?
The fact of the affair was that he was married for 20 years and due to problems I guess thats were things started and someone other then his wife took interest in him- The crazy thing about this is my heart dearly goes out to his wife that this happend too- I really feel bad about what she has gone through at the same time I have never had such a intense open communication, fun loving, first time I have really really been in love relationship. I am finally myself with him and feel like I can trust him- I too have had pasts where I have cheated so its hard for me to tell myself I should not be with someone who has done this is I have also done this though I was never ever married- though having children does make me think that more then anything you would think second about the selfish acts you are about to perform as a father with a family. This is all very hard for me I dont really know what to do.......

 
Old 01-04-2006, 10:17 PM   #7
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bisha HB User
Re: Hey there!

Thanks you both have brought out really really important issues- Gypsarcher can i ask if you are currently engaged what made you cheat and does that mean the your fiancee shuld not be with you??? Just curious?? I hope that i got that right?
The fact of the affair was that he was married for 20 years and due to problems and someone other then his wife took interest in him- The crazy thing about this is my heart dearly goes out to his wife that this happend too- I really feel bad about what she has gone through at the same time I have never had such a intense open communication, fun loving, first time I have really really been in love relationship. I am finally myself with him and feel like I can trust him- I too have had pasts where I have cheated so its hard for me to tell myself I should not be with someone who has done this is I have also done this though I was never ever married- though having children does make me think that more then anything you would think second about the selfish acts you are about to perform as a father with a family. This is all very hard for me I dont really know what to do.......The problem is when I am with him I dont even think of what happend at all or if I do I get over it so quick thinking its so not gonna happen to me. I guess I dont understand why he would want to get married again if he wants to be with other women or if that was the lifestyle he wants he know he can go have it ya know???

 
Old 01-04-2006, 11:34 PM   #8
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: Hey there!

Regarding the many concerns you have about your upcoming marriage. Maybe it would be wise to postpone your wedding tillthese issues and questions can be answered. What"s the rush? If it"s because he makes you feel good. A marriage needs alot more than that.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 01:41 PM   #9
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Hey there!

Quote:
Thanks you both have brought out really really important issues- Gypsarcher can i ask if you are currently engaged what made you cheat and does that mean the your fiancee shuld not be with you??? Just curious?? I hope that i got that right?
Bisha, the reason I have cheated in the past is because I was very immature and incredibly self-centered. I had a lot of problems and a lot of pain, although that is not supposed to be an excuse. I just never honestly cared about the other person's feelings and was only concerned with what made me happy. But I am glad to say I have grown a lot over the past year (am 23 now). There were a lot of red flags for my fiance that I was an airhead. I was still with my ex when I started to date him. Early in our relationship I brought my soon-to-be ex to one of my now-fiance's concerts, almost flaunting him. That's how dumb I was. But to my fiance I can Do No Wrong. With him my cheating was emotional rather than physical, but I'm over it.

Marriages are so tricky, oy. People don't go into them realizing that the passion and the excitement aren't going to last forever. (Well, the majority of marriages at least). I'm sure that after twenty years the newness would have more than worn off. I've only been with my fiance two years and I already feel we are at the point when we don't need to be having sex anymore. But just because somebody else catches your eye and takes an interest in you really isn't an excuse. You have to be interested enough in YOUR values, which should say that you won't deliberately hurt your wife and innocent children because you have an itch.

I mean, I'm not saying that this man isn't delighted by you and I'm sure he does want to make a commitment. But what happens when the marriage starts to get old and he comes across another woman who pays him more attention? I'm just worried that you are going to drive yourself crazy feeling like you need to be the perfect wife so that he won't stray again. I would try to communicate with him and let him know that if he ever feels like he wants to cheat on you, you want him to come and talk you and get all of the issues out in the open. Either that, or he wakes up next to a horse's head.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 03:34 PM   #10
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bisha HB User
Re: Hey there!

Gypsyarcher- thank you! I totally agree with what you said above. I have to say that I am torn in half I mean I am really really in love and not just the attraction I feel but the way that he makes me feel the way that I am with him the respect we have for each other is huge to me. I think that the fact of what he did in his past is either something that I can worry about or choose not too- I will never know if he indeed will do the same to me. I too have cheated and it purley selfish like you said it was emotional. But when I think of the chance of loosing him over me living with the question of WHAT IF??? I choose to take that risk as far as he knows I could also cheat on him (since I too have done that in the past) even though to me when you are married that commitment is so huge I could never do that - I actually made him talk to me about this last night- he didnt know I went on here and posted but I had some questions of why and what if's that I needed to hear- He was very open and understanding about anwering them and making sure that I dont have any doubts of him and I getting married and if I do then he said maybe we should wait on marraige.
So thank you for making me think out loud and making sure that I got all the questions and conerns out of my head and most importantly that I did this with him and feel as satisfied as I can be with the anwers that were giving in this situation or your right he will be waking up next to a horses head!!!!

 
Old 01-05-2006, 03:35 PM   #11
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Re: Hey there!

Bisha ~ Hi, welcome to the boards It is my thinking that one must look at things as they are before them.....a leopard doesn't change his spots and it is apparent that you only have been together with this man for less than a year which doesn't give you much time to really know for sure whether or not he has changed. What you do know of him is that his longest standing relationship has failed and due to his infidelity. Unfortunately that is his track record that you have to go by.

You are young and haven't been married as of yet, whereas he has. You have your whole life ahead of you and from what you share with us here you are choosing to share it with a man who has been unfaithful in marriage and who has 3 children who do not like you. And an ex wife who will not allow you to be a part of their children's life. Marriage is difficult enough without all of these negative factors and shouldn't be entered into lightly. The fact is his first family will come first and as I see it there will always be issues involving you and his children. And his children will always be a part of his life and indirectly yours. These are thngs you must really think about.

I just think that there is an awful lot of baggage here and things that will make your life complicated perhaps even stressful......you may love him but will that be enough??? I am sure that his first wife loved him too but apparently that just wasn't good enough....fr some reason he needed more. Are you sure that once you are married that he won't seek more outside of you to make him happy??

Just some things to think about before you take the big step in your life. Personally, I think you deserve better, because if this man had problems and someone pursued him the fact is in marriage there will be problems at one time or another and there are always opportunities to seek solving them with somebody else....the thing is, will you be sure that he won't do the same with you as he did with his wife??? What if anything has he done to make sure that he won't do the same again when the going gets tough???

These are difficult questions but only you will know if you are sure enough that his weaknesses of the past won't become the weaknesses in his future.

I just feel that somebody as young as you deserves a life less complicated. There is no guarantee that our spouse won't cheat, however, the odds are so much better with somebody who hasn't done so before.

~ Goody

 
Old 01-05-2006, 07:18 PM   #12
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: Hey there!

Very good post, Goody. As usual.

 
Old 01-05-2006, 07:57 PM   #13
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bisha HB User
Re: Hey there!

Thank you goody I am going to make sure that I think long and hard about those questions you pointed out and see if I am up for the risk or not- shoot love can really be complex cant it???? thank you again!!!

 
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